Chapter 5

(A Table, and everything requisite for an Entertainment, being placed before the house of CLEAERETA, enter ARGYRIPPUS, DEMAENETUS, and PHILENIUM, from the house of CLEAERETA.)

ARGYRIPPUS: Come then, father, let’s take our places, please.

DEMAENETUS: As you bid me, my son, so it shall be.

ARGYRIPPUS: (to the ATTENDANTS.) Lads, spread the table.

DEMAENETUS: Is it at all displeasing to you, son, if she takes her place by me? (They take their places.)

ARGYRIPPUS: Duty, father, keeps sorrow from my eyes; although I love her, still I can control my feelings, not to take it to heart because she takes her place by you.

DEMAENETUS: It becomes a young man to be respectful, Argyrippus.

ARGYRIPPUS: Troth, father, through proper regard for you, I can be so.

DEMAENETUS: Come, then, let’s enjoy this banquet with wine and pleasant discourse. I don’t wish to be feared, I prefer myself to be loved by you, my son.

ARGYRIPPUS: In truth, I do them both, as is proper for a son.

DEMAENETUS: I’d believe it, if I saw you were cheerful.

ARGYRIPPUS: Why, do you think that I’m sorrowful?

DEMAENETUS: Do I think so? You, whom I see as melancholy as if the day of trial had been named for you.

ARGYRIPPUS: Don’t you say that.

DEMAENETUS: Don’t you be so, then I’ll not say so.

ARGYRIPPUS: Well then, look at me; I’m laughing. (He affects to laugh.)

DEMAENETUS: I’d like that those who wish me ill would laugh thus.

ARGYRIPPUS: I know, indeed, father, why you now suppose to yourself that I’m sad; it is because she is by you. And really, father, by my faith, to tell you the truth, that matter does hurt me; and not for this reason, that I don’t desire for you that which you wish, but because I love her; another woman, indeed, I could easily endure to be by you.

DEMAENETUS: But I have a fancy for this one.

ARGYRIPPUS: Then you have what you desire; for myself, I wish for what I could desire.

DEMAENETUS: Submit to it this one day, since I’ve given you the power to be with her for a year, and have procured for you the command of money in your amour.

ARGYRIPPUS: Well, by doing that, you have laid me under an obligation to you.

DEMAENETUS: Why then don’t you show yourself cheerful to me? (They commence the banquet, PHILENIUM reclining below DEMAENETUS.)

(Enter ARTEMONA and the PARASITE, from the house of DEMAENETUS, at the further side of the stage.

ARTEMONA: Prithee, do you say that my husband is carousing here, together with my son?—and that he has carried to his mistress twenty minae of silver?—and that, with the knowledge of my son, his father is perpetrating this wickedness?

A PARASITE: Trust me in nothing henceforth, either divine or human,

Artemona, if you find me untruthful in this matter.

ARTEMONA: Wretched then am I, who have supposed that, beyond others, my husband was sober, decent, chaste, and especially fond of his wife.

A PARASITE: But now, henceforth, understand that he, before all men, is a person of the smallest worth—a drunkard, a good-for-nothing fellow, unchaste, and a contemner of his own wife.

ARTEMONA: I’ faith, if this wasn’t true, he would never be doing the things that he is now doing.

A PARASITE: Upon my word, I too always hitherto took him to be a decent person; but by this action he declares himself,—to be carousing, indeed, together with his son, and, a decrepit old man, toying with a mistress in his company.

ARTEMONA: For this it is, i’ faith, that he’s going out to dinner every day.

He says that he’s going to Archidemus, Chereas, Chaerestratus, Clinius, Chremes, Cratinus, Dinias, Demosthenes: while he’s thinking of debauchery, and public dens of infamy with his harlot.

A PARASITE: Why don’t you bid your maid-servants carry him off home upon their shoulders?

ARTEMONA: Do you only be quiet. By my troth, I’ll surely give him some trouble.

A PARASITE: I’m sure of it, that so it will befall him, so long, indeed, as you shall continue married to him.

ARTEMONA: I was fancying that this fellow was still giving attendance either in the senate or to his dependants: that for that reason it was, that, worn out with fatigue, he snored the whole night through. Wearied with his labours out of doors he comes home at night. Another’s farm he ploughs, his own he leaves untilled.

Both he himself is corrupted, and he corrupts his son as well.

A PARASITE: Do you only follow me this way, I’ll make you just now to fall upon the man himself in the very fact.

ARTEMONA: By heaven, there’s nothing that I could more wish for.

A PARASITE: Just stop there. (He moves stealthily forward, and examines the other side of the stage.)

ARTEMONA: What’s the matter?

A PARASITE: (returning to her.) If perchance you were to see your husband reclining, if you beheld him with a garland on, caressing a mistress, could you recognize him?

ARTEMONA: I’ troth, I could.

A PARASITE: (points to the other end of the stage.) Then there’s your man.

ARTEMONA: (moving stealthily forward with the PARASITE.) I’m undone.

A PARASITE: Stay a little. Let’s observe in private, from ambush, what business they are about.

ARGYRIPPUS: What end will you put to your caresses, father?

DEMAENETUS: I confess, my son—

ARGYRIPPUS: What do you confess?

DEMAENETUS: That I’m utterly undone with love for her.

A PARASITE: (to ARTEMONA.) Do you hear what he says?

ARTEMONA: I hear.

DEMAENETUS: (to PHILENIUM.) Ought I not to filch the mantle from my wife at home, which she is so fond of, and bring it to you? Though my wife’s life should last a whole year in consequence, by my troth I could not be dissuaded from doing so.

A PARASITE: (to ARTEMONA.) Do you suppose that he has been accustomed to frequent a brothel to-day for the first time?

ARTEMONA: Upon my faith, it was he that was pilfering me; whereas I was suspecting my maid-servants, and was tormenting the wretched creatures who were innocent all the while.

ARGYRIPPUS: Father, bid him pour out some wine;’tis a long time since I drank first.

DEMAENETUS: (to the SERVANT.) Begin, boy, from the top. (To PHILENIUM.) Come, do you meanwhile from below give me a kiss. (Kisses her.)

ARTEMONA: (to the PARASITE.) Wretch that I am, I’m undone! How the villain, the garnishing of a bier, is kissing away.

DEMAENETUS: A breath, by my faith, somewhat sweeter than that of my wife.

PHILENIUM: Tell me, there’s a dear, does the breath of your wife smell bad?

DEMAENETUS: I’d prefer to drink bilge-water, if it were necessary, rather than kiss her.

ARTEMONA: (apart.) Aye, pray, how say you? By my troth, to your own great detriment, you’ve surely said that against me. Never mind; only de you come home, I’ll let you know what danger there is in speaking abusively against a wife with a dowry.

PHILENIUM: By heavens, you are a wretch.

ARTEMONA: (apart.) I’ faith, he’s deserving so to be.

ARGYRIPPUS: How say you, father? (Takes a draught in the meanwhile.) Don’t you love my mother?

DEMAENETUS: Who—I? I love her just now, because she isn’t present.

ARGYRIPPUS: How, when she is present?

DEMAENETUS: Then, I wish she was dead.

A PARASITE: (apart to ARTEMONA.) This fellow is fond of you, according to what he says.

ARTEMONA: On my word, he’s surely laying out all this at interest; for if, this day, he returns home, I’ll especially have my revenge in kissing him.

ARGYRIPPUS: (handing the dice-box.) Father, throw the dice; that afterwards I may have a throw.

DEMAENETUS: By all means.

You, Philenium, for myself, and death for my wife. (He throws.)’Tis Venus’s cast. Lads, clap your hands, and give me some honeyed wine in my cup, in honor of my throw.

ARTEMONA: (apart.) I can hold out no longer.

A PARASITE: (apart.) If you haven’t learned the fulling trade, it’s not to be wondered at; now it’s quite fitting for you to beset his eyes. (They make their appearance before the revellers.)

ARTEMONA: By heavens, I will live, and you this day have made that invocation to your own great misfortune.

A PARASITE: Will some one run to fetch the undertakers?

ARGYRIPPUS: Health to you, mother.

ARTEMONA: Health indeed after this fashion!

A PARASITE: (aside.) Demaenetus is dead.’Tis time to betake myself hence: this battle bravely waxes hot. I’ll be off to Diabolus. I’ll tell him his orders are performed as he desired them; and in the meantime I’ll persuade him that we should take a meal, while these people are squabbling.

Afterwards, in fine, I’ll bring him here to-morrow, to the procuress, that he may give her the twenty mince, that, in his turn, he in his passion may be enabled to obtain this damsel. I hope that Argyrippus will be able to be prevailed upon to allow him to pass each alternate night with him in her company; for, unless I obtain that, I’ve lost my patron; so great is the passion of the man by reason of his love. (He quietly withdraws.)

ARTEMONA: (addressing PHILENIUM.) What business have you to give a retreat here in your house to my husband?

PHILENIUM: Troth, he really will this day be the death of wretched me, through sheer disgust.

ARTEMONA: (to DEMAENETUS.) Rise, wencher, be off home.

DEMAENETUS: I’m undone.

ARTEMONA: Yes, you are; don’t, i’ faith, gainsay it, you most vile of all men. Why, the cuckoo’s still on his nest. Rise, wencher, be off home.

DEMAENETUS: Woe to me!

ARTEMONA: You prophesy correctly. Rise, wencher, be off home.

DEMAENETUS: Step a little this way then.

ARTEMONA: Rise, wencher, be off home.

DEMAENETUS: Now, prithee, wife—

ARTEMONA: Do you remember now that I’m your wife? It was but just now, when you were heaping abuse upon me, that I wasn’t your wife.

DEMAENETUS: I’m utterly ruined.

ARTEMONA: Why, pray? Does the breath of your wife smell strong?

DEMAENETUS: It smells of myrrh.

ARTEMONA: Have you filched my mantle then to be giving to your harlot?

ARGYRIPPUS: By the powers—what, did he promise that he would filch your mantle?

ARTEMONA: Won’t you hold your tongue?

ARGYRIPPUS: I was going to dissuade him, mother.

ARTEMONA: (to ARGYRIPPUS.) A pretty son! (To DEMAENETUS.) Is it proper for a father to teach these morals to his children? Are you ashamed of nothing?

DEMAENETUS: I’ faith, if there’s nothing else, I’m ashamed of you, wife.

ARTEMONA: With your hoary head, your wife is dragging you, you cuckoo, from dens of infamy.

DEMAENETUS: The dinner’s cooking; mayn’t I stop, only to take my dinner?

ARTEMONA: Faith, you’ll dine to-day on a heavy mishap, as you deserve.

DEMAENETUS: (rising.) I shall repose but uncomfortably; my wife is taking me home condemned.

ARGYRIPPUS: I told you, father, not to devise ill against my mother.

PHILENIUM: (to DEMAENETUS.) Do remember about the mantle, there’s a dear.

DEMAENETUS: (calls out to CLEAERETA.) Won’t you order her to go away from here?

ARTEMONA: (to DEMAENETUS.) Be off home.

PHILENIUM: (to DEMAENETUS.) Do give me a kiss, at least, before you go.

DEMAENETUS: (to PHILENIUM.) Go hang yourself. (Exeunt.)

PHILENIUM: No, I’ll go in, in preference. (To ARGYRIPPUS.) Follow me this way, my life.

ARGYRIPPUS: Yes, I follow.

The COMEDIANS: If this old fellow, unknown to his wife, has been in any way indulging his own inclinations, he has been doing nothing new or wonderful, or otherwise than others are in the habit of doing. No one is there of a disposition so severe, or of a temper so firm, but that he will enjoy himself when he has any opportunity. Now if you wish to interpose in behalf of this old man, so that he be not punished, we think that it can be brought about if you give us loud applause.