Chapter 5

(Enter STRATIPPOCLES, from the house of CHAERIBULUS.)

STRATIPPOCLES: (to himself.) The Banker is inattentive to me, not to seek the money of me, or bring this woman who has been purchased out of the spoil. But see—here comes Epidicus How’s this, that in gloominess his brow is wrinkled? (at a distance.)

EPIDICUS: (to himself.) If Jupiter unto himself were to take the eleven Gods beside himself, even then, all of them would not be able to rescue Epidicus from torture. I’ve seen Periphanes buying the thongs; Apaecides was together with him; now, I do believe that these persons are in search of me. They have found it out; they know that they’ve been imposed upon.

STRATIPPOCLES: (coming forward.) What are you about, my ready occasion?

EPIDICUS: That which a wretched fellow is about.

STRATIPPOCLES: What’s the matter with you?

EPIDICUS: Why don’t you prepare for me the necessaries for flight before I’m quite undone? For the two fleeced old gentlemen are hunting for me through the city; they are carrying in their hands handcuffs an inch and a half thick.

STRATIPPOCLES: Be of good heart—

EPIDICUS: Of course I will, whose freedom is so close at hand.

STRATIPPOCLES: I will preserve you.

EPIDICUS: I’ faith, they’ll do it better for me, if they catch me.

But who’s this young woman, this greyish old fellow, too, that’s coming along? (are seen at a distance.)

STRATIPPOCLES: This is the Banker, and this is the woman whom I purchased out of the spoil.

EPIDICUS: What, is this she?

STRATIPPOCLES: It is she. Isn’t she just like what I told you? Look at her.

EPIDICUS: Is it she?

STRATIPPOCLES: Survey her, Epidicus. Even from her nail to the top of her hair she is most lovely! Is she not? Do look at her! Observe her! You’ll be looking at a picture beautifully painted.

EPIDICUS: Judging from your words you are foretelling that my hide will be beautifully painted; me, whom Apelles and Zeuxis, the pair of them, will be painting with elm-tree pigments. (Enter the BANKER and TELESTIS.)

STRATIPPOCLES: (to the BANKER.) Immortal Gods! I’m surprised at your slowness. The man that’s spoken of in the proverb with swollen feet, would have got here sooner than you have arrived for me.

A BANKER.: (pointing to TELESTIS.) I’ faith,’twas she delayed me.

STRATIPPOCLES: If indeed you delayed for her sake, because she wished it, you have come too quickly.

A BANKER: Well, well, dispatch with me and count out the money, that I mayn’t be detaining my friends.

STRATIPPOCLES: It has been counted out.

A BANKER.: (giving him a bag.) Take this bag; put it into it.

STRATIPPOCLES: You come discreetly provided! Wait till I bring out the money to you.

A BANKER: Make haste.

STRATIPPOCLES: It’s at home. (Goes into the house of CHAERIBULUS.)

EPIDICUS: (looking steadily at TELESTIS.) Have I the use of my eyes quite unimpaired, or is it otherwise?

Do I not behold in you, Telestis, the daughter of Periphanes, born at Thebes of your mother Philippa, and conceived at Epidaurus?

TELESTIS: What person are you who are making mention of the name of my parents and my own?

EPIDICUS: Don’t you know me?

TELESTIS: Not, indeed, so far as recurs to my mind just now.

EPIDICUS: Don’t you remember my bringing you a crescent upon your birthday, and a little gold ring for your finger? (STRATIPPOCLES returns with the money.)

TELESTIS: I remember it. What, are you that person?

EPIDICUS: I am, and (pointing to STRATIPPOCLES, at a distance) he there is your brother by another mother and the same father.

TELESTIS: (in agitation.) What of my father? Is he alive?

EPIDICUS: Be of calm and composed feelings; hold your peace.

TELESTIS: The Gods will that from being lost I should be saved, if you speak the truth.

EPIDICUS: I have no occasion to be telling untruths to you.

STRATIPPOCLES: (to the BANKER.) Take this money, Banker; here are forty minae. If any piece shall be doubtful I’ll change it. (Gives him the money.)

A BANKER: You do well. Kindly farewell. (Exit.)

STRATIPPOCLES: (to TELESTIS.) Now then you are my own—

TELESTIS: Why yes—sister, i’ faith, that you may know it as well. Greetings to you, brother.

STRATIPPOCLES: (to EPIDICUS.) Is this woman in her senses?

EPIDICUS: In her senses, if she calls you her brother.

STRATIPPOCLES: How’s this? Have I just now become her brother while going in-doors and coming out?

EPIDICUS: What good fortune there is, do you in silence keep your peace thereon and rejoice.

STRATIPPOCLES: Sister, you have both lost and found me!

EPIDICUS: Simpleton, hold your tongue! Through my endeavours, there’s ready for you at home, in fact, a Music-girl for you to make love to; I too, through my endeavours, have restored your sister to liberty.

STRATIPPOCLES: Epidicus, I confess—

EPIDICUS: Be off into the house, and order the water to be made warm for her. The rest I’ll let you know afterwards, when there’s leisure.

STRATIPPOCLES: Follow me this way, sister.

EPIDICUS: I’ll bid Thesprio come across to you. But remember, if the old gentlemen are at all savage, you, with your sister, to run and help me.

STRATIPPOCLES: That will be easy. (He and TELESTIS go into the house of PERIPHANES.)

EPIDICUS: (going to the door of the house of CHAERIBULUS.) Thesprio, come this way through the garden. Come to my rescue at home! The matter’s of importance! (To himself.) I care much less for the old fellows than I did just now. I’ll return in-doors, that the strangers may be attended to on their arrival. I’ll tell these same things that I know, in-doors to Stratippocles. I shall not take to flight; I’m determined to be there at home, and he shan’t throw it in my teeth that he has been provoked by my running away. I’ll away in-doors; I’ve been talking too long. (Goes into the house of PERIPHANES.)

(Enter PERIPHANES and APAECIDES, with thongs in their hands.)

PERIPHIANES: Hasn’t this fellow quite made a laughing-stock of us two decrepit old people?

APAECIDES: Why yes, I’ faith, you’ve really kept me plagued in a shocking fashion.

PERIPHIANES: Now do hold your tongue. Only let me catch the fellow!

APAECIDES: I’ll tell you now, that you may know it. It’s best for you to seek another companion; so much, while I’ve been following you, has the congested blood, from weariness, come down into the knees of poor me.

PERIPHIANES: After how many fashions has this fellow made sport of me and you to-day! besides, how he has disembowelled my silver resources for me!

APAECIDES: Away with him from me; for surely he’s the son of Vulcan in his wrath: wherever he touches, he sets all on fire; if you stand by him, he scorches you with his heat. (unperceived, from the house.)

EPIDICUS: (to himself.) More than the twelve Gods, the immortal Gods as many as are in the heavens, are now assistants in my rescue, and are fighting on my side. As to whatever I have offended in, I have aid and assistance at home. All my enemies I quite spurn by the heels.

PERIPHIANES: (looking about.) Where in the world shall I look for him?

APAECIDES: So long as you look for him without me, you may look for him even in the middle of the sea, as far as I’m concerned.

EPIDICUS: (coming forward, and addressing PERIPHANES) Why are you looking for me? Why are you taking this trouble? Why are you worrying him? (Pointing to APAECIDES.) See, here I am. Have I run away from you? Have I betaken myself from the house? Have I hid myself from your sight? I don’t entreat you either. Do you wish to bind me? Look then, I present my hands. (Holding out his hands.) You have got thongs; I saw you purchase them. Why do you delay now? Do bind me!

PERIPHIANES: It’s all over. He gives bail to me of his own accord for his appearance.

EPIDICUS: Why don’t you bind me?

APAECIDES: A wicked slave, upon my faith!

EPIDICUS: Really, Apaecides, I don’t want you to intercede for me.

APAECIDES: You easily obtain your wish, Epidicus.

EPIDICUS: (to PERIPHANES.) Are you going to do anything?

PERIPHIANES: What, at your pleasure?

EPIDICUS: Troth, at my own, indeed, and not at yours, are these hands to be bound by you to-day.

PERIPHIANES: But I don’t choose; I shan’t bind them.

APAECIDES: (to PERIPHANES.) He’s preparing to throw a dragnet over you; he’s framing some plan, I know not what.

EPIDICUS: You are causing delay to yourself, while I stand unbound; bind them, I tell you, bind them together.

PERIPHIANES: But I choose rather to question you unbound.

EPIDICUS: But you shall know nothing.

PERIPHIANES: (turning to APAECIDES.) What am I to do?

APAECIDES: What are you to do? Let him be complied with.

EPIDICUS: You are a worthy person, Apaecides.

PERIPHIANES: Hold out your hands then.

EPIDICUS: (holding out his hands.) They don’t at all object; bind them fast together too.

Don’t be afraid. (PERIPHANES binds his hands.) I’m submissive.

When the job is done, then pronounce your judgment.

PERIPHIANES: There, that is good.

EPIDICUS: Now then, to the point, with your enquiries of me; ask me what you please.

PERIPHIANES: In the first place, with what assurance did you presume to say that she who was bought the day before yesterday was my daughter?

EPIDICUS: I chose to; on that assurance.

PERIPHIANES: Do you say so? You chose to?

EPIDICUS: I do say so. Even lay me a wager that she is not the daughter—

PERIPHIANES: A woman whom the mother declares she doesn’t know?

EPIDICUS: Then, if she isn’t the daughter of her mother, make me a bet about it, my didrachm to your talent.

PERIPHIANES: Why, that’s a mere catch. But who is this woman?

EPIDICUS: The mistress of your son, that you may know the whole matter.

PERIPHIANES: Did I not give you the thirty minae for my daughter?

EPIDICUS: I confess that they were given, and that with that money I purchased this Music-girl, your son’s mistress, instead of your daughter. As to those thirty minae, in fact, I imposed upon you.

PERIPHIANES: For what reason did you play a trick upon me about that hired Music-girl?

EPIDICUS: I’ faith, I really did do it, and I think it was rightly done.

PERIPHIANES: In the last place, what has been done with the silver I gave you?

EPIDICUS: I’ll tell you; I gave it to a person neither bad nor yet good —your son Stratippocles.

PERIPHIANES: Why did you dare to give it him?

EPIDICUS: Because it pleased me.

PERIPHIANES: (stamping.) Plague on it! what insolence is this?

EPIDICUS: Am I to be bawled at just as if I were a slave?

PERIPHIANES: (ironically.) As you are a free man, I rejoice.

EPIDICUS: I have deserved to become so.

PERIPHIANES: You—deserved?

EPIDICUS: Go look in-doors; I’ll let you know that this is the truth.

PERIPHIANES: What’s the matter?

EPIDICUS: The thing itself will tell you so at once. Only do go in-doors.

PERIPHIANES: Aye, aye! this is not without its meaning.

Do you keep an eye on him, Apaecides. (Goes into his house.)

APAECIDES: What’s the meaning of this, Epidicus?

EPIDICUS: I’ faith, it’s with the greatest injustice that I’m standing here bound, through whose aid his daughter has been discovered to-day.

APAECIDES: Do you say that you have found his daughter?

EPIDICUS: I have found her, and she is at home. But how hard it is, when, for services done, you reap a harvest of evil.

APAECIDES: What, her whom this day we’ve both been weary with seeking throughout the city?

EPIDICUS: I’m weary with finding, you weary with seeking. (from the house.)

PERIPHIANES: (at the door, to those within.) Why do you entreat me thus earnestly in his behalf? For I find that he does deserve that I should be pleased to act according to his deserts. (To EPIDICUS.) Hold out your hands, you, that I may unbind them.

EPIDICUS: Don’t you touch them.

PERIPHIANES: But do you present them to me.

EPIDICUS: I don’t choose.

PERIPHIANES: You don’t do right.

EPIDICUS: Upon my faith, I’ll never allow myself to be unbound this day, unless you give me satisfaction.

PERIPHIANES: You ask what’s very fair and very just. Shoes, a tunic, and a cloak I’ll give you.

EPIDICUS: What next, after that?

PERIPHIANES: Your freedom.

EPIDICUS: But after that? There’s need for a new-made freed-man to pick a bit.

PERIPHIANES: It shall be given; I’ll find you food.

EPIDICUS: On my word, never this day shall you release me, unless you beg my pardon.

PERIPHIANES: I do entreat you, Epidicus, to forgive me, if unawares in fault I’ve done anything wrong.

But by way of return for this matter, be a free man.

EPIDICUS: Against my inclination do I grant you this pardon, but I’m compelled by necessity. Unbind them then, if you choose. (He holds out his hands, which are unbound by PERIPHANES, and they go into his house.) (coming forward.) This is that man who by his roguery has gained his freedom. Clap your hands, and fare you well! Stretch your loins, and rise from your seats.