Chapter 5

(Enter MENAECHMUS SOSICLES, with the mantle on.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I did very foolishly a while since, in entrusting my purse to Messenio with the money. I suspect he has got himself into some bad house or other. (Enter the WIFE of Menaechmus of Epidamnus, from the house.)

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I’ll look out to see how soon my husband is going to return home.

But here he is; I see him; I’m all right, he’s bringing back the mantle.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (to himself.) I wonder where Messenio can be walking now.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I’ll go and receive the fellow with such language as he deserves. (Accosting him.) Are you not ashamed to come forward in my presence, you disgraceful man, in that garb?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: What’s the matter?

What thing is troubling you, woman?

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Do you dare, you shameless fellow, to utter even a single word, or to speak to me?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Pray, what wrong have I committed, that I shouldn’t dare to speak to you?

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Do you ask me? O dear, the impudent audacity of the fellow!

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Don’t you know, madam, for what reason the Greeks used to say that Hecuba was a bitch?

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I don’t know, indeed.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Because Hecuba used to do the same thing that you are now doing. She used to heap all kinds of imprecations on every one she saw; and, therefore, for that reason she was properly begun to be called a bitch.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I can’t put up with this disgraceful conduct of yours;

for I had rather see my life that of a widow, than endure this vile conduct of yours that you are guilty of.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: What is it to me, whether you are able to endure to live in the married state, or whether you will separate from your husband? Is it thus the fashion here to tell these stories to a stranger on his arrival?

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: What stories? I say, I’ll not endure it henceforth, but live separate rather than put up with these ways.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Troth, so far indeed as I’m concerned, do live separate, even so long as Jupiter shall hold his sway.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: By heavens, I’ll certainly now send for my father, and I’ll tell him your disgraceful conduct that you are guilty of. Go, Decio (calling to a SERVANT), seek for my father, that he may come along with you to me; tell him that occasion has arisen for it. I’ll. now disclose to him this disgraceful conduct of yours.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Are you in your senses? What disgraceful conduct of mine?

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: When you filch from home my mantle and gold trinkets, without the knowledge of your wife, and carry them off to your mistress. Don’t I state this correctly?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: O dear! madam, by my faith, you are both very bold and very perverse. Do you dare to say (pointing at the mantle) that this was stolen from you which another woman gave me, for me to get it trimmed?

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: A little while since you didn’t deny that you had purloined it from me;

do you now hold up that same before my eyes? Are you not ashamed?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: By my faith, madam, I entreat you, if you know, show me what I’m to drink, by means of which I may put up with your impertinence. What person you are taking me to be, I don’t know;

I know you just as well as Parthaon.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: If you laugh at me, still, i’ troth, you can’t do so at him; my father, I mean, who’s coming here. Why don’t you look back? Do you know that person?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Just as well as Calchas do I know him; I have seen him on that same day on which I have seen yourself before this present day.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Do you deny that you know me? Do you deny that you know my father?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Troth, I shall say the same thing, if you choose to bring your grandfather.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I’ faith, you do this and other things just in a like fashion.

(Enter an OLD MAN, hobbling with a stick.)

OLD MAN: According as my age permits, and as there is occasion to do so, I’ll push on my steps and make haste to get along.

But how far from easy’tis for me, I’m not mistaken as to that. For my agility forsakes me, and I am beset with age; I carry my body weighed down; my strength has deserted me. How grievous a pack upon one’s back is age. For when it comes, it brings very many and very grievous particulars, were I now to recount all of which, my speech would be too long. But this matter is a trouble to my mind and heart, what this business can possibly be on account of which my daughter suddenly requires me to come to her, and doesn’t first let me know what’s the matter, what she wants, or why she sends for me. But pretty nearly do I know now what’s the matter;

I suspect that some quarrel has arisen with her husband. So are these women wont to do, who, presuming on their portions, and haughty, require their husbands to be obedient to them; and they as well full oft are not without fault. But still there are bounds, within which a wife ought to be put up with.

By my troth, my daughter never sends for her father to come to her except when either something has been done wrong, or there is a cause for quarrelling. But whatever it is, I shall now know. And see, I perceive her herself before the house, and her husband in a pensive mood.’Tis the same as I suspected.

I’ll accost her.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I’ll go and meet him. May every happiness attend you, my father.

OLD MAN: Happiness attend you. Do I find you in good spirits? Do you bid me be fetched in happy mood? Why are you sorrowful? And why does he (pointing at MENAECHMUS) in anger stand apart from you? Something, I know not what, are you two wrangling about between you. Say, in few words, which of the two is in fault: no long speeches, though.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: For my part, I’ve done nothing wrong; as to that point do I at once make you easy, father. But I cannot live or remain here on any account; you must take me away hence immediately.

OLD MAN: Why, what’s the matter?

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I am made a laughing-stock of, father.

OLD MAN: By whom?

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: By him to whom you gave me, my husband.

OLD MAN: Look at that — a quarrel now. How often, I wonder, have I told you to be cautious, that neither should be coming to me with your complaints.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: How, my father, can I possibly guard against that?

OLD MAN: Do you ask me?

unless you don’t wish.

How often have I told you to be compliant to your husband. Don’t be watching what he does, where he goes, or what matter he’s about.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Why, but he’s in love with a courtesan here close by.

OLD MAN: He is exceedingly wise: and for this painstaking of yours, I would even have him love her the more.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: He drinks there, too.

OLD MAN: And will he really drink the less for you, whether it shall please him to do so there or anywhere else? Plague on it, what assurance is this? On the same principle, you would wish to hinder him from engaging to dine out, or from receiving any other person at his own house. Do you want husbands to be your servants? You might as well expect, on the same principle, to be giving him out his task, and bidding him sit among the female servants and card wool.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Why, surely, father, I’ve sent for you not to be my advocate, but my husband’s: on this side you stand, on the other you plead the cause.

OLD MAN: If he has done wrong in anything, so much the more shall I censure him than I’ve censured you. Since he keeps you provided for and well clothed, and finds you amply in female servants and provisions,’tis better, madam, to entertain kindly feelings.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: But he purloins from me gold trinkets and mantles from out of the chests at home; he plunders me, and secretly carries off my ornaments to harlots.

OLD MAN: He does wrong, if he does that; if he does not do it, you do wrong in accusing him when innocent.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Why at this moment, even, he has got a mantle, father, and a bracelet, which he had carried off to her; now, because I came to know of it, he brings them back.

OLD MAN: I’ll know from himself, then, how it happened. I’ll go up to this man and accost him. (Goes up to MENAECHMUS.) Tell me this, Menaechmus, what you two are disputing about, that I may know.

Why are you pensive? And why does she in anger stand apart from you?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Whoever you are, whatever is your name, old gentleman, I call to witness supreme Jove and the Deities—

OLD MAN: For what reason, or what matter of all matters?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: That I have neither done wrong to that woman, who is accusing me of having purloined this (pointing to the mantle) away from her at home and which she solemnly swears that I did take away.

If ever I set foot inside of her house where she lives, I wish that I may become the most wretched of all wretched men.

OLD MAN: Are you in your senses to wish this, or to deny that you ever set foot in that house where you live, you downright madman?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Do you say, old gentleman, that I live in this house? (Pointing at the house.)

OLD MAN: Do you deny it?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: By my faith, certainly do deny it.

OLD MAN: In your fun you are going too far in denying it; unless you flitted elsewhere this last night. Step this way, please, daughter. (To the WIFE.) What do you say? Have you removed from this house?

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: To what place, or for what reason, prithee?

OLD MAN: I’ faith, I don’t know.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: He’s surely making fun of you.

OLD MAN: Can’t you keep yourself quiet?

Now, Menaechmus, you really have joked long enough; now do seriously attend to this matter.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Prithee, what have I to do with you? Whence or what person are you? Is your mind right, or hers, in fact, who is an annoyance to me in every way?

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Don’t you see how his eyes sparkle? How a green colour is arising on his temples and his forehead; look how his eyes do glisten

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: O me! They say I’m mad, whereas they of themselves are mad.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: How he yawns, as he stretches himself. What am I to do now, my father?

OLD MAN: Step this way, my daughter, as far as ever you can from him.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (aside.) What is there better for me than, since they say I’m mad, to pretend that I am mad, that I may frighten them away from me? (He dances about.)

Evoë, Bacchus, ho! Bromius, in what forest dost thou invite me to the chase? I hear thee, but I cannot get away from this spot, so much does this raving mad female cur watch me on the left side. And behind there is that other old he-goat, who many a time in his life has proved the destruction of an innocent fellow-citizen by his false testimony.

OLD MAN: (shaking his stick at him.) Woe to your head.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Lo! by his oracle, Apollo bids me burn out her eyes with blazing torches. (He points with his fingers at her.)

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I’m undone, my father; he’s threatening to burn my eyes out.

OLD MAN: Hark you, daughter.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: What’s the matter? What are we to do?

OLD MAN: What if I call the servants out here?

I’ll go bring some to take him away hence, and bind him at home, before he makes any further disturbance.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (aside.) So now; I think now if I don’t adopt some plan for myself, these people will be carrying me off home to their house. (Aloud.) Dost thou forbid me to spare my fists at all upon her face, unless she does at once get out of my sight to utter and extreme perdition?

I will do what thou dost bid me, Apollo. (Runs after her.)

OLD MAN: (to the WIFE.) Away with you home as soon as possible, lest he should knock you down.

THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I’m off. Watch him, my father, I entreat you, that he mayn’t go anywhere hence. Am I not a wretched woman to hear these things? (She goes into her house.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (aside.) I’ve got rid of her not so badly. (Aloud.) Now as for this most filthy, long-bearded, palsied Tithonus, who is said to have had Cygnus for his father, you bid me break in pieces his limbs, and bones, and members with that walking-stick which he himself is holding.

OLD MAN: Punishment shall be inflicted if you touch me indeed, or if you come nearer to me.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (shouting aloud.) I will do what thou dost bid me; I will take a two-edged axe, and I will hew this old fellow to his very bones, and I will chop his entrails into mincemeat.

OLD MAN: (retreating as far as he can.) Why really against that must I take care and precaution. As he threatens, I’m quite in dread of him, lest he should do me some mischief.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (jumping and raising his arms.) Many things dost thou bid me do, Apollo. Now thou dost order me to take the yoked horses, unbroke and fierce, and to mount the chariot, that I may crush to pieces this aged, stinking, toothless lion.

Now have I mounted the chariot; now do I hold the reins; now is the whip in my hand. Speed onward, ye steeds, let the sound of your hoofs be heard; in your swift course let the rapid pace of your feet be redoubled. (Points at the OLD MAN as he pretends to gallop.)

OLD MAN: Are you threatening me with your yoked steeds?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Lo! again, Apollo, thou dost bid me to make an onset against him who is standing here, and to murder him.

But what person is this that is tearing me hence by the hair down from the chariot? He revokes thy commands and the decree of Apollo.

OLD MAN: Alas! a severe and obstinate malady, i’ faith. By our trust in you, ye Gods even this person who is now mad, how well he was a little time since. All on a sudden has so great a distemper attacked him.

I’ll go now and fetch a physician as fast as I can. (Exit.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Prithee, are these persons gone now out of my sight, who are compelling me by force, while in my wits, to be mad? Why do I delay to be off to the ship, while I can in safety?

And all of you (to the SPECTATORS), if the old gentleman should return, I beg not to tell him, now, by what street I fled away hence. (Exit.)

(Enter the OLD MAN, very slowly.)

OLD MAN: My bones ache with sitting, my eyes with watching, while waiting for the Doctor, till he returned from his business. At last the troublesome fellow has with difficulty got away from his patients.

He says that he has set a broken leg for Aesculapius, and an arm for Apollo. I’m now thinking whether I’m to say that I’m bringing a doctor or a carpenter. But, see, here he comes.—Do get on with your ant’s pace.

(Enter a DOCTOR.)

DOCTOR.: What did you say was his disorder? Tell me, respected sir.

Is he harassed by sprites, or is he frenzied? Let me know. Is it lethargy, or is it dropsy, that possesses him?

OLD MAN: Why, I’m bringing you for that reason, that you may tell me that, and make him convalescent.

DOCTOR.: That indeed is a very easy matter. Why, I shall heal innumerable times as many in the day.

OLD MAN: I wish him to be treated with great attention.

DOCTOR.: That he shall be healed, I promise that on my word; so with great attention will I treat him for you.

OLD MAN: Why, see! here’s the man himself.

DOCTOR.: Let’s watch what matter he’s about. (They stand aside.)

(Enter MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: (to himself.) By my faith, this day has certainly fallen out perverse and adverse for me, since the Parasite, who has filled me full of disgrace and terror, has made that all known, which I supposed I was doing secretly; my own Ulysses, who has brought so great evil on his king—a fellow that, by my troth, if I only live, I’ll soon finish his life. But I’m a fool, who call that his, which is my own.

With my own victuals and at my own expense has he been supported; of existence will I deprive the fellow. But the Courtesan has done this in a way worthy of her, just as the harlot’s habit is: because I ask for the mantle, that it may be returned again to my wife, she declares that she has given it me. O dear! By my faith, I do live a wretched man.

OLD MAN: (apart.) Do you hear what he says?

DOCTOR.: (apart.) He declares that he is wretched.

OLD MAN: (apart.) I wish you to accost him.

DOCTOR.: (going up to him.) Save you, Menaechmus. Prithee, why do you bare your arm? Don’t you know how much mischief you are now doing to that disease of yours?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Why don’t you go hang yourself?

OLD MAN: What think you now?

DOCTOR.: What shouldn’t I think? This case can’t be treated with even ointment of hellebore. But what have you to say, Menaechmus?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: What do you want?

DOCTOR.: Tell me this that I ask of you; do you drink white wine or dark-coloured?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: What need have you to enquire?

DOCTOR.:

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Why don’t you go to utter perdition?

OLD MAN: Troth, he’s now beginning to be attacked with the fit.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Why don’t you ask whether I’m wont to eat dark bread, or purple, or yellow? Or whether I’m wont to eat birds with scales, or fish with wings?

OLD MAN: Dear, dear!

(To the DOCTOR.) Don’t you hear how deliriously he talks? Why do you delay to give him something by way of a potion, before his raving overtakes him?

DOCTOR.: Stop a little; I’ll question him on some other matters as well.

OLD MAN: You are killing me by your prating.

DOCTOR.: (to MENAECHMUS.) Tell me this; are your eyes ever in the habit of becoming hard?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: What? Do you take me to be a locust, you most worthless fellow?

DOCTOR.: Tell me, now, do your bowels ever rumble that you know of?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: When I’m full, they don’t rumble at all; when I’m hungry, then they do rumble.

DOCTOR.: I’ faith, he really gave me that answer not like an insane person. Do you always sleep soundly until daylight? Do you easily go to sleep when in bed?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I sleep throughout if I go to sleep if I have paid my money to him to whom I owe it.

DOCTOR.:

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: (to the DOCTOR.) May Jupiter and all the Divinities confound you, you questioner.

DOCTOR.: (aside.) Now this person begins to rave. (To the OLD MAN.) From those expressions do you take care of yourself.

OLD MAN: Why, he’s now really quite favourable in his language, in comparison with what he was a short time since; for, a little while ago, he was saying that his wife was a raving cur.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: What did I say?

OLD MAN: You were raving, I say.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: What, I?

OLD MAN: You there; who threatened as well to ride me down with your yoked steeds.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.:

OLD MAN: I myself saw you do this; I myself accuse you of this.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: And I know that you stole the sacred crown of Jupiter; and that on that account you were confined in prison; and after you were let out, I know that you were beaten with rods in the bilboes; I know, too, that you murdered your father and sold your mother.

Don’t I give this abuse in answer for your abuse, like a sane person?

OLD MAN: I’ faith, Doctor, whatever you are about to do, prithee, do it quickly. Don’t you see that the man is raving?

DOCTOR.: Do you know what’s the best for you to do? Have him taken to my house.

OLD MAN: Do you think so?

DOCTOR.: Why should I not? There at my own discretion I shall be able to treat the man.

OLD MAN: Do just as you please.

DOCTOR.: (to MENAECHMUS.) I’ll make you drink hellebore some twenty days.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: But, hanging up, I’ll flog you with a whip for thirty days.

DOCTOR.: (to the OLD MAN.) Go fetch some men to take him off to my house.

OLD MAN: How many are sufficient?

DOCTOR.: Since I see him thus raving, four, no less.

OLD MAN: They shall be here this instant. Do you keep an eye on him, Doctor.

DOCTOR.: Why, no, I shall go home that the things may be got ready, which are necessary to be prepared. Bid your servants carry him to my house.

OLD MAN: I’ll make him be there just now.

DOCTOR.: I’m off.

OLD MAN: Farewell. (Exeunt OLD MAN and DOCTOR, separately.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: My father-in-law is gone, the Doctor is gone; I’m alone. O Jupiter! Why is it that these people say I’m mad? Why, in fact, since I was born, I have never for a single day been ill.

I’m neither mad, nor do I commence strifes or quarrels. In health myself, I see others well; I know people, I address them. Is it that they who falsely say I’m mad, are mad themselves? What shall I do now? I wish to go home; but my wife doesn’t allow me; and here (pointing to EROTIUM’S house) no one admits me. Most unfortunately has this fallen out.

Here will I still remain; at night, at least, I shall be let into the house, I trust. (Stands near his door.)

(Enter MESSENIO.)

MESSENIO: (to himself.) This is the proof of a good servant, who takes care of his master’s business, looks after it, arranges it, thinks about it, in the absence of his master diligently to attend to the affairs of his master, as much so as if he himself were present, or even better.

It is proper that his back should be of more consequence than his appetite, his legs than his stomach, whose heart is rightly placed. Let him bear in mind, those who are good for nothing, what reward is given them by their masters—lazy, worthless fellows. Stripes, fetters, the mill, weariness, hunger, sharp cold; these are the rewards of idleness. This evil do I terribly stand in awe of. Wherefore’tis sure that to be good is better than to be bad. Much more readily do I submit to words, stripes I do detest; and I eat what is ground much more readily than supply it ground by myself.

Therefore do I obey the command of my master, carefully and diligently do I observe it; and in such manner do I pay obedience, as I think is for the interest of my back. And that course does profit me. Let others be just as they take it to be their interest; I shall be just as I ought to be.

If I adhere to that, I shall avoid faultiness; so that I am in readiness for my master on all occasions, I shall not be much afraid. The time is near, when, for these deeds of mine, my master will give his reward.

After I had deposited the goods and the servants in the inn, as he ordered me, thus am I come to meet him. (Going to the door of EROTIUM’S house.) Now I’ll knock at the door, that he may know that I’m here, and that out of this thick wood of peril I may get my master safe out of doors. But I’m afraid that I’m come too late, after the battle has been fought.

(Enter the OLD MAN, with SERVANTS.)

OLD MAN: (to the SERVANTS.) By Gods and men, I tell you prudently to pay regard to my commands, as to what I have commanded and do command. Take care that this person is carried at once upon your shoulders to the surgery, unless, indeed, you set no value upon your legs or your sides. Take care each of you to regard at a straw whatever threats he shall utter.

What are you standing for? Why are you hesitating? By this you ought to have had him carried off on your shoulders. I’ll go to the Doctor; I’ll be there ready when you shall come. (Exit. The SERVANTS gather around MENAECHMUS.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I’m undone. What business is this? Why are these men running towards me, pray? What do you want? What do you seek? Why do you stand around me? (They seize and drag him.) Whither are you dragging me? Whither are you carrying me? I’m undone. I entreat your assistance, citizens, men of Epidamnus, come and help me. (To the men.) Why don’t you let me go?

MESSENIO: (running towards them.) O ye immortal Gods, I beseech you, what do I behold with my eyes? Some fellows, I know not who, are most disgracefully carrying off my master upon their shoulders.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Who is it that ventures to bring me aid?

MESSENIO: I, master, and right boldly. (Aloud.) O shameful and scandalous deed, citizens of Epidamnus, for my master, here in a town enjoying peace, to be carried off, in daylight, in the street, who came to you a free man. Let him go.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Prithee, whoever you are, do lend me your aid, and don’t suffer so great an outrage to be signally committed against me.

MESSENIO: Aye, I’ll give you my aid, and I’ll defend you, and zealously succour you. I’ll never let you come to harm;’tis fitter that I myself should come to harm.

I’ll now make a sowing on the faces of these fellows, and there I’ll plant my fists. I’ faith, you’re carrying this person off this day at your own extreme hazard. Let him go. (He lays about him.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: (fighting with them.) I’ve got hold of this fellow’s eye.

MESSENIO: Make the socket of his eye be seen in his head.

You rascals! you villains! you robbers!

THE SERVANTS: (severally.) We are undone. Troth, now, prithee, do—

MESSENIO: Let him go then.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: What business have you to touch me? Thump them with your fists.

MESSENIO: Come, begone, fly hence to utter perdition with you. (Three run away.) Here’s for you, too (giving the fourth one a punch); because you are the last to yield, you shall have this for a reward. (They all disappear.) Right well have I marked his face, and quite to my liking.

Troth, now, master, I really did come to your help just now in the nick of time.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: And may the Gods, young man, whoever you are, ever bless you. For, had it not been for you, I should never have survived this day until sunset.

MESSENIO: By my troth, then, master, if you do right, you will give me my freedom.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I, give you your freedom?

MESSENIO: Doubtless: since, master, I have saved you.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: How’s this?

Young man, you are mistaken.

MESSENIO: How, mistaken?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: By father Jove, I solemnly swear that I am not your master.

MESSENIO: Will you not hold your peace?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I’m telling no lie; nor did any servant of mine ever do such a thing as you have done for me.

MESSENIO: In that case, then, let me go free, if you deny that I am your servant.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: By my faith, so far, indeed, as I’m concerned, be free, and go where you like.

MESSENIO: That is, you order me to do so?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I’ faith, I do order you, if I have aught of authority over you.

MESSENIO: Save you, my patron. Since you seriously give me my freedom,

I rejoice.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I’ faith, I really do believe you.

MESSENIO: But, my patron, I do entreat you that you won’t command me any the less now than when I was your servant. With you will I dwell, and when you go I’ll go home together with you. Wait for me here;

I’ll now go to the inn, and bring back the luggage and the money for you. The purse, with the money for our journey, is fast sealed up in the wallet; I’ll bring it just now here to you.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Bring it carefully.

MESSENIO: I’ll give it back safe to you just as you gave it to me. Do you wait for me here. (Exit MESSENIO.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Very wonderful things have really happened this day to me in wonderful ways.

Some deny that I am he who I am, and shut me out of doors; others say that I am he who I am not, and will have it that they are my servants. He for instance, who said that he was going for the money, to whom I gave his freedom just now. Since he says that he will bring me a purse with money, if he does bring it, I’ll say that he may go free from me where he pleases, lest at a time when he shall have come to his senses he should ask the money of me. My father-in-law and the Doctor were saying that I am mad. Whatever it is, it is a wonderful affair. These things appear to me not at all otherwise than dreams. Now I’ll go in the house to this Courtesan, although she is angry with me; if I can prevail upon her to restore the mantle for me to take back home. (He goes into EROTIUM’S house.)

(Enter MENAECHMUS SOSICLES and MESSENIO.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Do you dare affirm, audacious fellow, that I have ever met you this day since the time when I ordered you to come here to meet me?

MESSENIO: Why, I just now rescued you before this house, when four men were carrying you off upon their shoulders. You invoked the aid of all Gods and men, when I ran up and delivered you by main force, fighting, and in spite of them.

For this reason, because I rescued you, you set me at liberty. When I said that I was going for the money and the luggage, you ran before to meet me as quickly as you could, in order that you might deny what you did.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I, bade you go away a free man?

MESSENIO: Certainly.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Why, on the contrary,’tis most certain that I myself would rather become a slave than ever give you your freedom.

(Enter MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus, from EROTIUM’s house.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: (at the door, to EROTIUM within.) If you are ready to swear by your eyes, by my troth, not a bit the more for that reason, most vile woman, will you make it that I took away the mantle and the bracelet to-day.

MESSENIO: Immortal Gods, what do I see?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: What do you see?

MESSENIO: Your resemblance in a mirror.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: What’s the matter?

MESSENIO: ’Tis your image;’tis as like as possible.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (catching sight of the other.) Troth, it really is not unlike, so far as I know my own form.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: (to MESSENIO.) O young man, save you, you who preserved me, whoever you are.

MESSENIO: By my troth, young man, prithee, tell me your name, unless it’s disagreable.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I’ faith, you’ve not so deserved of me, that it should be disagreable for me to tell what you wish. My name is Menaechmus.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Why, by my troth, so is mine.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I am a Sicilian, of Syracuse.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Troth, the same is my native country.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: What is it that I hear of you?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: That which is the fact.

MESSENIO: (To MENAECHMUS SOSICLES, by mistake.) I know this person myself (pointing to the other MENAECHMUS); he is my master, I really am his servant; but I did think I belonged to this other. (To MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus, by mistake.) I took him to be you; to him, too, did I give some trouble. (To his master.) Pray, pardon me if I have said aught foolishly or unadvisedly to you.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: You seem to me to be mad. Don’t you remember that together with me you disembarked from board ship to-day?

MESSENIO: Why, really, you say what’s right—you are my master; (to MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus) do you look out for a servant. (To his master.) To you my greetings (to MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus) to you, farewell. This, I say, is Menaechmus.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: But I say I am.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: What story’s this? Are you Menaechmus?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I say that I’m the son of Moschus, who was my father.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Are you the son of my father?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Aye, I really am, young man, of my own father.

I don’t want to claim your father, nor to take possession of him from you.

MESSENIO: Immortal Gods, what unhoped-for hope do you bestow on me, as I suspect. For unless my mind misleads me, these are the two twin-brothers; for they mention alike their native country and their father. I’ll call my master aside—Menaechmus.

BOTH OF THE MENAECHMI.: What do you want?

MESSENIO: I don’t want you both.

But which of you was brought here in the ship with me?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Not I.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: But’twas I.

MESSENIO: You, then, I want. Step this way. (They go aside.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I’ve stepped aside now. What’s the matter?

MESSENIO: This man is either an impostor, or he is your twin-brother. But I never beheld one person more like another person. Neither water, believe me, is ever more like to water nor milk to milk, than he is to you, and you likewise to him; besides, he speaks of the same native country and father.’Tis better for us to accost him and make further enquiries of him.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I’ faith, but you’ve given me good advice, and I return you thanks. Troth, now, prithee, do continue to lend me your assistance. If you discover that this is my brother, be you a free man.

MESSENIO: I hope I shall.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I too hope that it will be so.

MESSENIO: (to MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.) How say you? I think you said that you are called Menaechmus?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I did so indeed.

MESSENIO: (pointing to his master.) His name, too, is Menaechmus. You said that you were born at Syracuse, in Sicily; he was born there. You said that Moschus was your father; he was his as well. Now both of you can be giving help to me and to yourselves at the same time.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: You have deserved that you should beg nothing but what you should obtain that which you desire. Free as I am, I’ll serve you as though you. had bought me for money.

MESSENIO: I have a hope that I shall find that you two are twin-born brothers, born of one mother and of one father on the same day.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: You mention wondrous things. I wish that you could effect what you’ve promised.

MESSENIO: I can. But attend now, both of you, and tell me that which I shall ask.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Ask as you please, I’ll answer you. I’ll not conceal anything that I know.

MESSENIO: Isn’t your name Menaechmus?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I own it.

MESSENIO: Isn’t it yours as well?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: It is.

MESSENIO: Do you say that Moschus was your father?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Truly, I do say so.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: And mine as well.

MESSENIO: Are you of Syracuse?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Certainly.

MESSENIO: And you?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Why not the same?

MESSENIO: Hitherto the marks agree perfectly well. Still lend me your attention. (To MENAECHMUS.) Tell me, what do you remember at the greatest distance of time in your native country?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: When I went with my father to Tarentum to traffic; and afterwards how I strayed away from my father among the people, and was carried away thence.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Supreme Jupiter, preserve me!

MESSENIO: (to MENAECHMUS SOSICLES.) Why do you exclaim? Why don’t you hold your peace?

(To MENAECHMUS.) How many years old were you when your father took you from your native country?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Seven years old; for just then my teeth were changing for the first time. And never since then have I seen my father.

MESSENIO: Well, how many sons of you had your father then?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: As far as I now remember, two.

MESSENIO: Which of the two was the older—you or the other?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Both were just alike in age.

MESSENIO: How can that be?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: We two were twins.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: The Gods wish to bless me.

MESSENIO: (to MENAECHMUS SOSICLES.) If you interrupt, I shall hold my tongue.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Rather than that, I’ll hold my tongue.

MESSENIO: Tell me, were you both of the same name?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: By no means; for my name was what it is now Menaechmus; the other they then used to call Sosicles.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (embracing his brother.) I recognize the proofs, I cannot refrain from embracing him.

My own twin-brother, blessings on you; I am Sosicles.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: How then was the name of Menaechmus afterwards given to you?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: After word was brought to us that you and that my father was dead, my grandfather changed it; the name that was yours he gave to me.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I believe that it did so happen as you say. But answer me this.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Ask it of me.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: What was the name of our mother?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Teuximarcha.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: That quite agrees. (He again embraces him.) O welcome, unhoped-for brother, whom after many years I now behold.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: And you, whom with many and anxious labours I have ever been seeking up to this time, and whom I rejoice at being found.

MESSENIO: (to his master.) It was for this reason that this Courtesan called you by his name; she thought that you were he, I suppose, when she invited you to breakfast.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Why, faith, to-day I ordered a breakfast to be got ready here (pointing to EROTIUM’S house) for me, unknown to my wife; a mantle which a short time since I filched from home, to her I gave it.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Do you say, brother, that this is the mantle which I’m wearing?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: How did this come to you?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: The Courtesan who took me here (pointing to EROTIUM’S house) to breakfast, said that I had given it to her. I breakfasted very pleasantly; I drank and entertained myself with my mistress; she gave me the mantle and this golden trinket. (Showing the bracelet.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I’ faith, I’m glad if any luck has befallen you on my account; for when she invited you to her house, she supposed it to be me.

MESSENIO: Do you make any objection that I should be free as you commanded?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: He asks, brother, what’s very fair and very just. Do it for my sake.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (touching MESSENIO’S shoulder.) Be thou a free man.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I am glad, Messenio, that you are free.

MESSENIO: Why, better auspices were required that I should be free for life.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Since these matters, brother, have turned out to our wishes, let us both return to our native land.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Brother, I’ll do as you wish. I’ll have an auction here, and sell whatever I have. In the meantime, brother, let’s now go in-doors.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Be it so.

MESSENIO: Do you know what I ask of you?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: What?

MESSENIO: To give me the place of auctioneer.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: It shall be given you.

MESSENIO: Would you like the auction, then, to be proclaimed at once? For what day?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: On the seventh day hence.

MESSENIO: (coming forward, and speaking in a loud voice.) An auction of the property of Menaechmus will certainly take place on the morning of the seventh day hence. His slaves, furniture, house, and farms, will be sold. All will go for whatever they’ll fetch at ready money prices.

His wife, too, will be sold as well, if any purchaser shall come. I think that by the entire sale Menaechmus will hardly get fifty hundred thousand sesterces. (To the SPECTATORS.) Now, Spectators, fare you well, and give us loud applause.