Chapter 5

(Enter CHARINUS, from the house of DEMIPHO, in a travelling habit.)

CHARINUS: (looking towards the door.) O higher and lower portions of the threshold, now both of you farewell. This day for the last time do I raise this foot within my father’s house. The ease, the enjoyment, the in-dwelling, the habitation of this house is henceforth for me cut off, destroyed, and alienated. I am undone! The household Gods of my parents, the Lar the father of the family, to you do I recommend, that you will kindly protect the possessions of my parents. I shall now seek other household Gods for myself, another Lar, another city, another state. The people of Attica I do detest; for where worse manners are on the increase every day, where, those who are friends, those who are faithless, you are not able, to distinguish, and where that is torn away from you, which especially pleases your taste, there, in fact, if a kingdom were given one, that country is not desirable. (Stands aside in deep thought.)

(Enter EUTYCUHS, from the house of LYSIMACHUS, at a distance.)

EUTYCHUS: (to himself.) Thou who art the overlooker of Gods and of men, and the mistress of mortals as well, inasmuch as thou hast indulged me in this hope that I entertained, I do return thee thanks. What Deity is there now that is joyous with gladness like mine?

That was at home which I was in search of. There did I find six companions, life, friendship, my native land, festivity, mirth, and jollity. On finding these, at the same moment did I utterly destroy ten very bad things, wrath, hatred, folly, ruin, perverseness, grief, tears, exile, want, and loneliness.

Ye Gods, I pray you grant me a speedy opportunity of meeting him.

CHARINUS: (to himself, not seeing EUTYCHUS.) I’m ready prepared, as you see. Pride I cast aside; I’m my own companion, attendant, horse, groom, esquire; I’m my own master, I, too, obey myself; for my own self do I carry what I require. O Cupid! how powerful art thou.

For easily dost thou render any one resolute through thy deeds, and then again, the same person diffident forthwith from being over bold.

EUTYCHUS: (to himself.) I’m thinking which way to run in search of him.

CHARINUS: (continuing.) The matter’s resolved upon, that I’ll seek her everywhere, wherever in the world she has been carried off from hence; and neither shall any river stand in my way, nor mountain, nor the sea, indeed, nor heat, nor cold; I dread neither wind nor hail; the torrents of rain I’ll submit to; labour, heat, and thirst, will I endure. I’ll neither stop nor rest anywhere at night, or in the day, assuredly, before I shall have met with either my mistress or my death.

EUTYCHUS: (looking round.) Some voice, I know not who’s, flew to my ear.

CHARINUS: (continuing.) You do I invoke, ye Lares of the roads, that you will kindly lend me aid.

EUTYCHUS: (seeing CHARINUS.) Jupiter! isn’t that Charinus?

CHARINUS: (turning round.) Fellow-citizens, fare ye well.

EUTYCHUS: (aloud.) Charinus, stop, this instant.

CHARINUS: Who calls me back?

EUTYCHUS: Hope, Safety, Victory.

CHARINUS: What do you want with me?

EUTYCHUS: To go along with you.

CHARINUS: Look for another companion; these companions that have possession of me, will not part with me.

EUTYCHUS: Who are they?

CHARINUS: Care, misery, sickness, tears, and lamentation.

EUTYCHUS: Drive away those companions, and look this way and return.

CHARINUS: If indeed you wish to speak to me, do you follow. (Moves on.)

EUTYCHUS: Stop, this instant!

CHARINUS: You do amiss, in delaying me as I haste; the sun is setting.

EUTYCHUS: If you would make haste in this direction, just as you are hastening in that one, you’d be doing more rightly;

this way there is now a prospering gale, only tack about. Here is a fair Westerly breeze; there is a showery Southern blast. The one causes a calm; the other stirs up all the waves. Betake yourself towards the land, Charinus, in this direction. Don’t you see right opposite? Black clouds and showers are coming on. Look now to the left, how full the heaven is of brightness. Don’t you see right opposite?

CHARINUS: He has thrown religious scruples in my way; I’ll betake myself in that direction. (Turns towards EUTYCHUS.)

EUTYCHUS: You are wise. O Charinus, turn your steps, and turn your feet as well, in the opposite direction.

Extend your arm. Catch hold of me. Do you hold me new?

CHARINUS: I’m holding you.

EUTYCHUS: Hold on, then.

Whither now were you going?

CHARINUS: Into banishment.

EUTYCHUS: What to do there?

CHARINUS: As a wretched person would.

EUTYCHUS: Don’t fear; this instant shall I restore you to joyousness before you go away.

CHARINUS: I’m going. (Moves.)

EUTYCHUS: A thing that you especially long to hear, the same shall you hear for you to rejoice at. Stay this instant; I’m come as a friend, full of the kindest feelings.

CHARINUS: What is it?

EUTYCHUS: Your mistress—

CHARINUS: What of her?

EUTYCHUS: I know where she is.

CHARINUS: Prithee, do you?

EUTYCHUS: She’s safe and sound.

CHARINUS: Where is she safe?

EUTYCHUS: I know where.

CHARINUS: I’d much rather I did.

EUTYCHUS: Can’t you possibly be calm in your feelings?

CHARINUS: What if my feelings are agitated?

EUTYCHUS: I’ll bring them for you into a safe and tranquil state; don’t you fear.

CHARINUS: Prithee do say where she is —where you’ve seen her. Why are you mute? Speak—you are torturing to death wretched me by your silence.

EUTYCHUS: She isn’t far from here.

CHARINUS: Why then don’t you point her out, if you see her?

EUTYCHUS: I’ faith, I don’t see her at this moment; but I saw her just now.

CHARINUS: Why, then, don’t you cause me to see her?

EUTYCHUS: I will cause it.

CHARINUS: That means a long time for one in love.

EUTYCHUS: Are you still in apprehension? I’ll disclose it all. No person is there living more beloved by me than is he who has got her; nor is there one to whom it is right that I should be a better wisher.

CHARINUS: I don’t care about that; I’m looking for her.

EUTYCHUS: About her, then, I’m telling you.

Really, this has not come into my mind but this moment, to tell it you—

CHARINUS: Tell me, then, where she is.

EUTYCHUS: In our house.

CHARINUS: If you are telling the truth, a worthy house, and aptly built, I deem it. But how am I to credit that? Have you seen her; or do you speak from hearsay?

EUTYCHUS: I’ve seen her myself.

CHARINUS: Who took her to your house?

EUTYCHUS: Why, you’re asking an unfair question.

What matters it to you with whom she came?

CHARINUS: So long as she’s there—

EUTYCHUS: She certainly is.

CHARINUS: Then, for these tidings, do you wish whatever you please.

EUTYCHUS: What if I do wish?

CHARINUS: Pray to the Gods to bring its fulfilment.

EUTYCHUS: You are laughing at me.

CHARINUS: My fortunes, in fine, are redeemed, if I can see her.

But why don’t I lay aside this garb? (Goes to the door of DEMIPHO’S house, and calls.) Hallo, somebody, come here this instant out of doors. Come out, and bring me thence a cloak this way.

EUTYCHUS: Well, now how much you do gratify me.

CHARINUS: (to a BOY who enters, bringing his cloak.) You boy, who have come with such speed, take my scarf (giving it), and now stand aside there; that, if these things are not true, I may hasten to go upon this intended journey.

(To EUTYCHUS.) Are you telling the truth?

EUTYCHUS: Really, Charinus, you are not ashamed of anything.

Don’t you believe me?

CHARINUS: For my part, I really do believe everything that you tell me.

But why don’t you introduce me to her, that I may see her?

EUTYCHUS: Wait a little.

CHARINUS: Why am I to wait?

EUTYCHUS: It’s not a convenient moment to go into the house.

CHARINUS: You are torturing me to death.

EUTYCHUS: There’s no need, I tell you, for you to go into the house just now.

CHARINUS: Answer me-for what reason?

EUTYCHUS: She’s not at leisure.

CHARINUS: Why so?

EUTYCHUS: Because it isn’t convenient to her.

CHARINUS: Is it so? Not convenient to her who loves me, and whom I love in return?

He’s trifling with me in every way. I’m too foolish to believe him. He’s only delaying me. (Turns to the BOY.) I’ll put on my scarf again.

EUTYCHUS: Stop a little, and listen to this.

CHARINUS: (taking off the cloak.) You boy, take this cloak, please. (Puts on the travelling scarf.)

EUTYCHUS: Really this hasn’t come but this moment into my mind to tell it you.

My mother’s dreadfully angry with my father, because he has brought into the house a harlot before her very eyes, while she was away in the country. She suspects that she’s his own mistress.

CHARINUS: (not attending to him.) I’ve taken up my belt. (Puts it on.)

EUTYCHUS: She’s now enquiring into this matter in-doors.

CHARINUS: (inattentive.) Now my sword’s in hand. (Taking it from the BOY.)

EUTYCHUS: But if I were now to introduce you?

CHARINUS: (inattentive.) I’ll take my bottle, and be off from here. (Moves.)

EUTYCHUS: Stop, stop, Charinus!

CHARINUS: You are mistaken; you can’t deceive me.

EUTYCHUS: And, i’ faith, I have no wish.

CHARINUS: Why, then, don’t you allow me to proceed upon my journey?

EUTYCHUS: I won’t let you.

CHARINUS: I’m delaying myself. Boy, do you this instant be off hence in-doors. (The BOY goes into the house.) Now I’ve ascended the chariot; now I’ve taken the reins in my hands. (Imitating the action of a charioteer.)

EUTYCHUS: You are not in your senses.

CHARINUS: Feet of mine, why don’t ye betake yourselves into the chariot, straight for Cyprus, since my father determines on my banishment?

EUTYCHUS: You are silly. Prithee, don’t be saying this.

CHARINUS: (as though to himself.) I’m resolved to persist— to use my endeavours to seek her out where she is.

EUTYCHUS: Why, she’s at our house.

CHARINUS: (as though to himself.) For what that person said, he told a falsehood in it.

EUTYCHUS: Really, I told you the truth.

CHARINUS: (continuing.) Now I’ve come to Cyprus.

EUTYCHUS: Nay, but follow me, that you may see her whom you are looking for. (Moves towards his FATHER’S house.)

CHARINUS: (pretending not to hear.) Enquiring there, I didn’t find her.

EUTYCHUS: I’ll not care then for my mother’s anger.

CHARINUS: (still pretending.) I’ll still go on to seek her. Now I’ve got to Chalcis;

I see there my former host at Zacynthus; I tell him why I’ve come thither; I make enquiry if he has heard say who has brought her thither, who has got possession of her.

EUTYCHUS: Why don’t you cease that nonsense, and step with me this way in-doors?

CHARINUS: (still pretending.) My host answered that figs grew, not bad ones, at Zacynthus.

EUTYCHUS: He didn’t say false there.

CHARINUS: (continuing.) But he says that he has heard about my mistress, that she’s here at Athens.

EUTYCHUS: Really, this Zacynthian is quite a Calchas.

CHARINUS: (continuing.) I get aboard ship, and start at once. I’m now at home; now I’ve returned from banishment. My friend, Eutychus (turning towards him), greetings to you! How have you been? How are my parents? Are they well? Do you come to my mother, you say—you invite me kindly; you speak politely. At your house to-morrow; for the present at home.

So it is proper; so it ought to be done.

EUTYCHUS: How now? What are you dreaming about? This man’s not in his senses.

CHARINUS: Why don’t you, as a friend, make haste to cure me then?

EUTYCHUS: Follow me, please.

CHARINUS: (running close behind him.) I’m following.

EUTYCHUS: (turning round.) Softly, pray; you are treading on my heels. Don’t you hear me?

CHARINUS: I’ve heard you for some time past.

EUTYCHUS: I want a reconciliation to be made between my father and mother; for now she’s in a passion—

CHARINUS: (pushing him.) Only do go on.

EUTYCHUS: About that woman—

CHARINUS: (pushing him.) Only do go on.

EUTYCHUS: Therefore take care—

CHARINUS: (pushing him.) Nay, but do go on then; I’ll make her as mild as Juno is when she’s kind to Jupiter.

(They go into the house of LYSIMACHUS.)

Enter DEMIPHO and LYSIMACHUS.)

LYSIMACHUS: [Demipho, this saying of the wise, I think you have often heard, Pleasure is the bait for misfortune; because, by it, not less are men aught than are fishes with the hook Although aged people fly from it, still you don’t pay that regard to your old age: since it hasn’t even withdrawn love from you, but has forced you to it even more vehemently. Wherefore it utterly confounds yourself and your understanding and your mind, and dazzles your eyesight. Myself too have you brought into great trouble, and I know not what to do,

DEMIPHO: Lysimachus, this is the will of the Gods, not of men. If you reflect upon this with yourself, you will be of opinion that you are not doing right, in censuring so heavily a person your friend and the sharer of your secrets.]

As though you yourself had never done anything like this action.

LYSIMACHUS: By heavens, never. I took care not to do anything: wretch that I am, I am scarcely alive; for my wife is lying all in a ferment about her.

DEMIPHO: But I’ll undertake to clear you, so that she mayn’t be angry.

LYSIMACHUS: Follow me—but I see my son coming out.

(Enter EYTUCHUS, from the house of LYSIMACHUS.)

EUTYCHUS: (as he comes out, to CHARINUS, within.) I’ll go to my father, that he may know my mother’s wrath is appeased. I’ll return just now.

LYSIMACHUS: (to DEMIPHO.) The beginning pleases me. (Going up to EUTYCHUS.) What are you about? How goes it, Eutychus?

EUTYCHUS: Extremely opportunely have you both met me.

LYSIMACHUS: What’s the matter?

EUTYCHUS: Your wife is peaceful and appeased. Give me your right hands this moment. (Shakes hands with them both.)

LYSIMACHUS: The Gods are favouring me.

EUTYCHUS: (to DEMIPHO.) I bring you word that you have got no mistress.

DEMIPHO: The Gods confound you. Why, prithee, what affair is this?

EUTYCHUS: I’ll tell you. Give your attention then, both of you.

LYSIMACHUS: Well then, we are giving you our attention, both of us.

EUTYCHUS: Those who are born of a good family, if they are of bad tendencies, by their own faultiness withdraw nobleness from their rank, and disgrace their disposition.

DEMIPHO: He says what’s true.

LYSIMACHUS: Then it’s to yourself he says it.

EUTYCHUS: For this reason is this the more true; for at this time of life, it wasn’t just for you to take away from your son, a young man, his mistress, purchased with his own money.

DEMIPHO: How say you? Is she the mistress of Charinus?

EUTYCHUS: (aside.) How the rogue does dissemble.

DEMIPHO: Why, he said that he had bought her as a maidservant for his mother.

EUTYCHUS: Was it for that reason, then, you bought her, you young lover, you old boy?

LYSIMACHUS: Very well said, i’ troth! Proceed, proceed. I’ll stand by him here on the other side. Let’s both load him well with such speeches as he’s worthy of.

DEMIPHO: (aside.) I’m done for.

EUTYCHUS: Who has done an injustice so great to his blameless son;

whom, in fact, upon my faith, I brought back home just when he was setting out in self-banishment; for he was going into exile.

DEMIPHO: Has he gone then?

LYSIMACHUS: What, do you speak, you hobgoblin? At this time of life you ought to abstain from those pursuits.

DEMIPHO: I confess it; undoubtedly I’ve acted wrong.

EUTYCHUS: What, do you speak, you hobgoblin? You ought at this time of life to have done with these guilty practices. Just as the seasons of the year, so different lines of conduct befit different ages;

but if this is proper, that old fellows should be wenching in their old age, where in the world is our common welfare?

DEMIPHO: Alas! wretch that I am! I’m undone.

EUTYCHUS: The young men are more in the habit of giving their attention to following those pursuits.

DEMIPHO: Troth, now, prithee, do take her to yourselves, with pigs and with basket.

EUTYCHUS: Restore her to your son;

let him have her, now, as he wishes.

DEMIPHO: So far as I’m concerned, he may have her.

EUTYCHUS: High time, i’ faith, since you haven’t the power of doing otherwise.

DEMIPHO: For this injury let him take what satisfaction he likes; only do you make peace, I beg of you, that he mayn’t be angry with me. I’ faith, if I had known it, or if, indeed, he had told me in the slightest way of joke that he was in love with her, I should never have proceeded to take her away from him so in love.

Enitychus, you are his companion, preserve and rescue me, I beg of you. Make this old fellow your client. You shall say that I’m mindful of a kindness.

LYSIMACHUS: Entreat him that he’ll pardon his offences and his youthful age.

DEMIPHO: Heyday now, are you still persisting in inveighing against me with your airs? I trust that a like opportunity will befall me as well for returning you a similar compliment.

LYSIMACHUS: I’ve long made an end of those pursuits.

DEMIPHO: And really so shall I from this time forward.

LYSIMACHUS: Not a bit of it. Through usage your inclinations will be leading you to it again.

DEMIPHO: Prithee, do now be satisfied. Rather, scourge me with thongs even, if you like.

LYSIMACHUS: You say right. But that your wife will do, when she comes to know of this.

DEMIPHO: There’s no need for her to come to know of it.

EUTYCHUS: What’s that? She shan’t come to know of it; don’t be afraid.

Let’s go in-doors; this place isn’t a suitable one for your practices, for there to be persons to overhear who are passing through the street, while we are talking.

DEMIPHO: Why, faith, you say what’s right; that way the story will be shorter. Let’s be off

EUTYCHUS: Your son is in-doors here at our house.

DEMIPHO: It’s very good. We’ll pass that way through the garden home.

LYSIMACHUS: Eutychus, I want this affair to be settled before I set my foot again within doors.

EUTYCHUS: What is it?

LYSIMACHUS: Each person thinks about his own concerns. Answer me this: do you know for certain that your mother isn’t angry with me?

EUTYCHUS: I do know it.

LYSIMACHUS: Take care.

EUTYCHUS: Trust me for it. Are you satisfied?

LYSIMACHUS: I am. But still, troth now, prithee, do take care.

EUTYCHUS: Don’t you believe me?

LYSIMACHUS: Yes, I do believe you; but still I’m dreadfully afraid.

DEMIPHO: Let’s go in-doors.

EUTYCHUS: Aye, but I think we must pronounce. the law for the old men before we depart, on what terms they are to keep check upon themselves and to be continent. Whoever shall be sixty years of age, if we know of any one, whether husband or, i’ faith, whether bachelor, in fact, who goes a wenching, upon these terms shall we deal with him; we shall deem him a fool.

And, i’ faith, so far as we’re concerned, he shall be in want who has squandered away his property. And let no one hereafter forbid his youthful son to be in love and to keep a mistress, so it be done in a decent manner. If he shall forbid him, let him, unknown to himself, suffer more loss than if he had openly permitted him. Let this law, then, from this night forward, be binding upon the old men.

(To the AUDIENCE.) Young men, kindly fare you well; and if this law, enacted for the sake of the old ones, pleases you, it is right that you should give us loud applause.