Chapter 5

(Enter TRANIO.)

TRANIO: (to himself.) The man that shall prove timid in critical matters, will not be worth a nutshell. And, really, to say what that expression, worth a nutshell, means, I don’t know. But after my master sent me into the country to fetch his son hither,

I went that way (pointing) slily through the lane to our garden. At the entrance to the garden that’s in the lane, I opened the door; and by that road I led out all the troop, both men and women. After, from being in a state of siege, I had led out my troops to a place of safety, I adopted the plan of convoking a senate of my comrades, and when I had convoked it, they forthwith banished me from the senate. When I myself perceived that the matter must be decided by my own judgment, as soon as ever I could, I did the same as many others do, whose affairs are in a critical or a perplexed state; they proceed to render them more perplexed, so that nothing can be settled.

But I know full well, that now by no means can this be concealed from the old man.

But how’s this, that our next neighbour’s door makes a noise? Why, surely this is my master: I’d like to have a taste of his talk. (Goes aside, out of sight of THEUROPIDES.) (Enter THEUROPIDES, from SIMO’s house.)

THEUROPIDES: (in the doorway, speaking to SIMO’s SLAVES.) Do you stand there, in that spot within the threshold; so that, the very instant I call, you may sally forth at once. Quickly fasten the handcuffs upon him. I’ll wait before the house for this fellow that makes a fool of me, whose hide I’ll make a fool of in fine style, if I live.

TRANIO: (apart.) The affair’s all out. Now it’s best for you, Tranio, to consider what you are to do.

THEUROPIDES: (to himself.) I must go to work to catch him cleverly and artfully when he comes here.

I’ll not disclose to him my feelings all at once; I’ll throw out my line; I’ll conceal the fact that I know anything of these matters.

TRANIO: (apart.) O cunning mortal! not another person in Athens can be pronounced more clever than he. One can no more this day deceive him than he can a stone. I’ll accost the man; I’ll address him.

THEUROPIDES: (to himself.) Now I do wish that he would come here.

TRANIO: (apart.) I’ faith, if me indeed you want, here I am ready at hand for you. (Comes forward.)

THEUROPIDES: Bravo! Tranio, what’s being done?

TRANIO: The country people are coming from the country Philolaches will be here in a moment.

THEUROPIDES: I’ faith, he comes opportunely for me. This neighbour of ours I take to be a shameless and dishonest fellow.

TRANIO: Why so?

THEUROPIDES: Inasmuch as he denies that he knows you.

TRANIO: Denies it?

THEUROPIDES: And declares that you never gave him a single coin of money

TRANIO: Out with you, you are joking me, I do believe; he doesn’t deny it.

THEUROPIDES: How so?

TRANIO: I am sure now that you are joking; for surely he doesn’t deny it.

THEUROPIDES: Nay but, upon my faith, he really does deny it; or that he has sold this house to Philolaches.

TRANIO: Well now, pray, has he denied that the money was paid him?

THEUROPIDES: Nay more, he offered to take an oath to me, if I desired it, that he had neither sold this house, nor had any money him paid been.

I told him the same that you told me.

TRANIO: What did he say?

THEUROPIDES: He offered to give up all his servants for examination.

TRANIO: Nonsense! On my faith, he never will give them up.

THEUROPIDES: He really does offer them.

TRANIO: Why then, do you summon him to trial.

THEUROPIDES: Wait a bit;

I’ll make trial as I fancy. I’m determined on it.

TRANIO: Bring the fellow here to me.

THEUROPIDES: What then, if I go fetch some men?

TRANIO: It ought to have been done already;

or else bid the young man to demand possession of the house.

THEUROPIDES: Why no, I want to do this first—to put the servants under examination.

TRANIO: I’ faith, I think it ought to be done.

Meantime, I’ll take possession of this altar. (Runs to the altar.)

THEUROPIDES: Why so?

TRANIO: You can understand nothing.

Why, that those may not be able to take refuge here whom he shall give up for examination, I’ll keep guard here for you; so that the examination may not come to nothing.

THEUROPIDES: Get up from the altar.

TRANIO: By no means.

THEUROPIDES: Prithee, don’t you take possession of the altar.

TRANIO: Why so?

THEUROPIDES: You shall hear; why, because I especially want this, for them to be taking refuge there. Do let them; so much the more easily shall I get him fined before the judge.

TRANIO: What you intend to do, do it. Why do you wish to sow further strife? You don’t know how ticklish a thing it is to go to law.

THEUROPIDES: Just get up, (beckoning) this way; it’s, then, to ask your advice upon something that I want you.

TRANIO: Still, as I am, I’ll give my advice from this spot: my wits are much sharper when I’m sittings. Besides, advice is given with higher sanction from holy places.

THEUROPIDES: Get up; don’t be trifling. Just look me in the face.

TRANIO: (looking at him.) I am looking.

THEUROPIDES: Do you see me?

TRANIO: I do see—that if any third person were to step in here, he would die of hunger.

THEUROPIDES: Why so?

TRANIO: Because he would get no profit; for, upon my faith, we are both artful ones.

THEUROPIDES: I’m undone!

TRANIO: What’s the matter with you?

THEUROPIDES: You have deceived me.

TRANIO: How so, pray?

THEUROPIDES: You’ve wiped me clean.

TRANIO: Consider, please, if it wasn’t well done; is your nose running still?

THEUROPIDES: Aye, all my brains besides have you been wiping out of my head as well. For all your villanies I have discovered from their very roots; and not from the roots, indeed, i’ faith, but even from beneath the very roots.

Never this day, by my troth, will you have planned all this without being punished.

I shall at once, you villain, order fire and faggots to be placed around you.

TRANIO: Don’t do it; for it’s my way to be sweeter boiled than roasted.

THEUROPIDES: Upon my faith, I’ll make an example of you.

TRANIO: Because I please you, you select me for an example.

THEUROPIDES: Say now: what kind of a person did I leave my son, when I went away from here?

TRANIO: One with feet and hands, with fingers, ears, eyes, and lips.

THEUROPIDES: I asked you something else than that.

TRANIO: For that reason I now answer you something else.

But look, I see Callidamates, the friend of your son, coming this way. Deal with me in his presence, if you want anything

(Enter CALLIDAMATES, at a distance.)

CALLIDAMATES: (to himself.) When I had buried all drowsiness, and slept off the debauch, Philolaches told me that his father had arrived here from abroad; in what a way too his servant had imposed upon the man on his arrival;

he said that he was afraid to come into his presence. Now of our company I am deputed sole ambassador, to obtain peace from his father. And look, most opportunely here he is. (Accosting THEUROPIDES.) I wish you health, Theuropides, and am glad that you’ve got back safe from abroad. You must dine here with us to-day. Do so.

THEUROPIDES: Callidamates, may the Gods bless you. For your dinner I offer you my thanks.

CALLIDAMATES: Will you come then?

TRANIO: (To THEUROPIDES.) Do promise him; I’ll go for you, if you don’t like.

THEUROPIDES: Whip-scoundrel, laughing at me still?

TRANIO: What, because I say that I’ll go to dinner for you?

THEUROPIDES: But you shan’t go. I’ll have you carried to the cross, as you deserve.

TRANIO: Come, let this pass, and say that I shall go to the dinner.

Why are you silent?

CALLIDAMATES: (to TRANIO.) But why, you greatest of simpletons, have you taken refuge at the altar?

TRANIO: He frightened me on his arrival. (To THEUROPIDES.) Say now, what I have done amiss. Look, now there’s an umpire for us both; come, discuss the matter.

THEUROPIDES: I say that you have corrupted my son.

TRANIO: Only listen. I confess that he has done amiss; that he has given freedom to his mistress; that in your absence he has borrowed money at interest; that, I admit, is squandered away. Has he done anything different to what sons of the noblest families do?

THEUROPIDES: Upon my faith, I must be on my guard with you; you are too clever a pleader.

CALLIDAMATES: Just let me be umpire in this matter. (TO TRANIO.) Get up; I’ll seat myself there.

THEUROPIDES: By all means: take the management of this dispute to yourself. (Pushes him to one side of the altar.)

TRANIO: Why, this is surely a trick.

Make me, then, not to be in a fright, and yourself to be in a fright in my stead.

THEUROPIDES: I consider now everything of trifling consequence, compared with the way in which he has fooled me.

TRANIO: I’ faith,’twas cleverly done, and I rejoice that it was done. Those who have white heads ought at that age to be wiser.

THEUROPIDES: What am I now to do if my friend Demipho or Philonides—

TRANIO: Tell them in what way your servant made a fool of you. You would be affording most capital plots for Comedies.

CALLIDAMATES: Hold your tongue awhile; let me speak in my turn.—Listen.

THEUROPIDES: By all means.

CALLIDAMATES: In the first place of all then, you know that I am the companion of your son;

he has gone to my house, for he is ashamed to come into your presence, because he knows that you are aware what he has done. Now, I beseech you, do pardon his simplicity and youthfulness. He is your son; you know that this age is wont to play such pranks; whatever he has done, he has done in company with me. We have acted wrong:

the interest, principal, and all the sum at which the mistress was purchased, all of it we will find, and will contribute together, at our own cost, not yours.

THEUROPIDES: No mediator could have come to me more able to influence me than yourself. I am neither angry with him, nor do I blame him for anything: nay more, in my presence, wench on, drink, do what you please.

If he’s ashamed of this, that he has been extravagant, I have sufficient satisfaction.

CALLIDAMATES: I’m quite ashamed myself

TRANIO: He grants pardon thus far; now then, what is to become of me?

THEUROPIDES: Filth, tied up as you hang, you shall be beaten with stripes.

TRANIO: Even though I am ashamed?

THEUROPIDES: Upon my faith, I’ll be the death of you, if I live!

CALLIDAMATES: Make this pardon general; do, pray, forgive Tranio this offence, for my sake.

THEUROPIDES: I would more readily put up with your obtaining any other request of me than that I should forbear sending to perdition this fellow for his most villanous doings.

CALLIDAMATES: Pray, do pardon him.

TRANIO: Do pardon me?

THEUROPIDES: Look there, don’t you see how the villain sticks there? (Pointing to the altar.)

CALLIDAMATES: Tranio, do be quiet, if you are in your senses.

THEUROPIDES: Only do you be quiet in urging this matter. I’ll subdue him with stripes, so that he shall be quiet.

CALLIDAMATES: Really, there is no need.

Come now, do allow yourself to be prevailed upon.

THEUROPIDES: I wish you would not request me.

CALLIDAMATES: Troth now, I do entreat you.

THEUROPIDES: I wish you would not request me, I tell you.

CALLIDAMATES: It’s in vain you wish me not; only do grant this one pardon for his offence, pray, for my sake, I do entreat you.

TRANIO: Why make this difficulty? As if to-morrow I shouldn’t be very soon committing some other fault; then, both of them, both this one and that, you’ll be able to punish soundly.

CALLIDAMATES: Do let me prevail upon you.

THEUROPIDES: Well then, have it so; begone, unpunished! (TRANIO jumps down from the altar.) There now, (pointing to CALLIDAMATES) return him thanks for it. (Coming forward.) Spectators, this Play is finished; grant us your applause.