Chapter 2

(Enter LIBANUS, from the house of DEMAENETUS.)

LIBANUS: Upon my faith, Libanus, it really were better for you now to be waking, and to be devising some plan for procuring the money. A long time has now elapsed, since you parted with your master and went to the Forum. For that end that you might devise some plan for procuring the money, there till this time of day have you been sleeping at your ease. Why don’t you away with all slothfulness from yourself, and remove all sluggishness, and betake yourself again to your former dexterous ingenuity. Preserve your master; take you care, too, how you do the same that other servants are wont, who employ a clever ingenuity in cheating their master? Whence shall I get it? Whom shall I diddle out of it? Whither shall I steer this fly-boat?’Tis settled,’tis confirmed by auspices; on each side do the birds give good omens.

The woodpecker and the crow are on my right, the raven, as well, upon my left. They are persuading me to it: i’ faith, I’m resolved to follow your advice. (Starts and listens.) But what means this, that the woodpecker is tapping the elm-tree? That’s not for nothing. Troth, for certain, so far as I can gather omens from augury, the rods are in readiness for my own back, or for Saurea the chamberlain.

But what means this that Leonida is running this way out of breath? I fear that this bodes ill for my trumped-up schemes (Stands apart.)

(Enter LEONIDA, running.)

LEONIDA: (to himself.) Where now shall I find Libanus, or my master’s son, that I may make them more mirthful than is Mirth herself? Great booty and a triumph do I bring them on my arrival.

Inasmuch as together with me they drink, together with me they are wont to wench, why, this booty that I’ve got, together with them will I share it.

LIBANUS: (apart.) This fellow has been robbing a house, if he has been acting after his usual manner. Woe to the person that has so carelessly kept the door!

LEONIDA: (to himself.) I could be ready to be a slave for an age, if I could only meet with Libanus.

LIBANUS: (apart.) I’ faith, with my assistance, indeed, you shall never be free a bit the sooner.

LEONIDA: (to himself.) I’d give two hundred teeming lashes on my back as well.

LIBANUS: (apart.) He’s giving away all his substance, for he carries his treasures on his back.

LEONIDA: (to himself.) But if time should intervene upon this opportunity, never, upon my faith, will he hereafter obtain it again, even with white horses.

He’ll be deserting his master in the siege; he’ll be increasing the courage of the foe. But if with me he is desirous to seize hold upon this opportunity which has presented itself, very great bounties brimful of joyousness, will he, together with myself, be producing for his masters, both for the son and the father. So that, for life, they will be indebted to us both, bound by our services.

LIBANUS: (apart.) He’s talking of persons being bound, I don’t know who. I don’t like it; I fear for us in common, lest he may have been cheating in some cheatery.

LEONIDA: (to himself.) I’m utterly undone, unless I find Libanus at once, wherever in the world he is.

LIBANUS: (apart.) This fellow’s looking out for an accomplice, to unite with himself in a bad design. I don’t like it:’tis a portentous sign that instant, when a person trembles that sweats.

LEONIDA: (to himself.) But why, as I hasten, do I loiter here with my feet, and make myself so bounteous with my tongue? Why don’t I bid it be quiet, that in its talkativeness is wearing out the day?

LIBANUS: (apart.) Upon my faith, an unfortunate man, to check his patroness; for if he has done anything roguishly, his tongue perjures itself in his behalf.

LEONIDA: (to himself.) I’ll make haste, lest I should be providing a safe keeping for my spoil too late.

LIBANUS: (apart.) What spoil is this? I’ll go meet him, and enquire what it is. (He accosts him.) I wish you health in as loud a voice as my strength admits of.

LEONIDA: Exerciser of the whip, health to you.

LIBANUS: Keeper of the gaol, how do you do?

LEONIDA: Ha! colonizer of the chains.

LIBANUS: Ha! delight of the scourges.

LEONIDA: When naked, how many pounds do you say you are in weight?

LIBANUS: Upon my faith, I don’t know.

LEONIDA: I know that you don’t know; but, i’ faith, I who have weighed you do know. Tied up naked, you were a hundred pounds in weight, when you were hanging with your feet downwards.

LIBANUS: On what evidence is that?

LEONIDA: I’ll tell you on what evidence, and in what way. When you are tied up with a full hundred pounds to your feet, when the manacles are fastened to your hands, and tied to the beam, you are weighing neither more nor less, than as being a worthless and good-for-nothing fellow.

LIBANUS: Woe be to you!

LEONIDA: That, Servitude bequeaths to you by her will.

LIBANUS: I wish this skirmishing of words to be cut short. What matter is this?

LEONIDA: Am I sure in trusting you?

LIBANUS: You may, without hesitation.

LEONIDA: If you wish to assist our master’s son in his amour, there is so much of a good opportunity on a sudden, but still mingled with evil—all the hangman’s days will be rendered famous by ourselves. Libanus, now have we occasion to find some boldness and inventiveness. An exploit so great have I thought of just now, that we two may be pronounced the most deserving of all for torture to befall us.

LIBANUS: ’Twas on that account I was wondering why my shoulder-blades were aching just now, which were beginning to prognosticate that there was some danger for them at home. Whatever it is, speak out.

LEONIDA: ’Tis great booty with great risk.

LIBANUS: If indeed all persons by compact were to collect all the tortures, I have, I fancy, a back at home, so that I need not seek it out of doors.

LEONIDA: If you maintain such firmness of resolve, then we are all right.

LIBANUS: Why, if the matter were to be atoned for by my back, I could wish to seize the public money: I’ll persist in my denial, and I’ll endure all; in fine, I’ll forswear myself.

LEONIDA: Ah! that’s true valour, when occasion is, for one to endure misfortune with boldness. He that endures misfortune with boldness, that man afterwards enjoys good fortune.

LIBANUS: Why don’t you tell the matter at once? I’m longing to tempt the scourge.

LEONIDA: (breathing hard.) Ask deliberately each particular then, that I may rest me. Don’t you see that I’m still out of breath with running?

LIBANUS: Well, well, I’ll wait your pleasure, even, in fact, till you die.

LEONIDA: Where’s our master, pray?

LIBANUS: The old one is at the Forum, the young one is here in-doors.

LEONIDA: That’s enough for me then.

LIBANUS: Is it then that you’ve become a rich man?

LEONIDA: Leave off your raillery.

LIBANUS: I’ll have done; for my ears are in expectation of what you are bringing me.

LEONIDA: Give your attention, that equally with myself you may learn this.

LIBANUS: I’m silent, then.

LEONIDA: You oblige me. Don’t you remember that our chamberlain sold some Arcadian asses to a dealer of Pella?

LIBANUS: I remember it; after that, what then?

LEONIDA: Well, he has sent some money here then to be paid to Saurea, for the asses; a young man has just now come who has brought this money.

LIBANUS: Where is this person?

LEONIDA: You think he ought to be devoured this instant, if you could see him.

LIBANUS: Aye, to be sure. But, however, you are speaking, I suppose, of those asses, aged and lame, whose hoofs were quite worn away to their very thighs?

LEONIDA: Those same ones, that carried the elm twigs hither from the country, for your use.

LIBANUS: I understand you; and the same ones carried you from here, bound, into the country.

LEONIDA: You say what’s quite correct. But as I was sitting in the barber’s shop, he began to make enquiries of me, whether I knew a certain Demaenetus, the son of Strato.

At once I said that I knew him, and that I was his servant; and I pointed out our house.

LIBANUS: After that, what then?

LEONIDA: He said that he was bringing the money for the asses to the chamberlain Saurea, twenty minae in amount; but that he himself didn’t know the individual, who he was, but that he knew Demaenetus quite well.

Since he spoke thus to this effect—

LIBANUS: What then?

LEONIDA: Listen then, and you’ll know. At once I made myself courteous, and a person of consequence. I said that I was the chamberlain. Thus, in these terms did he answer me: Upon my faith, I don’t know Saurea, nor yet of what appearance he is. It isn’t fair for you to blame me; but if you like, bring here Demaenetus, your master, whom I do know; I’ll not prevent you taking the money then.

I said that I would bring him, and that I should be at home immediately. He’s about to go to the baths, from there he’ll afterwards come here. What plan do you think, now, I ought to adopt? Tell me.

LIBANUS: Why, I’m thinking of this, how to get between the money, and the stranger, and Saurea.

At present this matter is rough-hewn; but if this stranger brings here the money first, then are we both at once shut out from it. But the old man to-day took me apart at a distance from the house, and threatened me and yourself that we should be tasters of the elm twigs, if Argyrippus didn’t this very day get twenty mine of silver.

He commanded that we should cheat either the chamberlain or his own wife, and said that he would give the aid he promised. Now, do you go to the Forum to our master, and tell him this, how we are going to manage; that you, from Leonida, are going to be the chamberlain Saurea, until the dealer has brought the money for the asses.

LEONIDA: I’ll do as you request me.

LIBANUS: In the meantime, I’ll amuse him here, if by chance he should come first.

LEONIDA: But what say you—?

LIBANUS: What do you want?

LEONIDA: If I give you a blow on the cheek with my fist, by-and-by, while I’m personating Saurea, don’t you be offended.

LIBANUS: I’ faith, but you’ll have a care not to be touching me, if you are wise; you’ll surely have changed your name to day with a bad omen.

LEONIDA: Prithee, do endure it with resolution.

LIBANUS: Do you endure the cuff that I, too, shall be giving you in return.

LEONIDA: I speak as it’s in the habit of being done.

LIBANUS: I’ faith, and I speak, too, of how I’m likely to act.

LEONIDA: Don’t refuse me.

LIBANUS: Why I promise, I tell you, to give you a like return, just as you deserve.

LEONIDA: I’m off; I know that you’ll put up with it by-and-by. But who’s this?’Tis he—’tis the very man himself. I’ll return here just now; in the meantime do you detain him here;

I want to inform the old gentleman. (Exit.)

LIBANUS: Well, do your duty, then, and fly.

(Enter the ASS-DEALER, with a BOY.)

THE ASS-DEALER: (to himself.) According as it was pointed out to me, this must be the house where Demaenetus is said to live. (To the BOY.) Go, boy, and knock, and call Saurea the chamberlain out here, if he’s in-doors. (The BOY goes to knock.)

LIBANUS: Who’s breaking in our door in this fashion? Enough there, I say, if you hear me at all.

THE ASS-DEALER: No one has touched it as yet: are you out of your senses?

LIBANUS: Why I thought that you had touched it, because you were steering your course in that direction. I don’t want the door, my fellow-slave, to be thumped by you; I really am attached to our house.

THE ASS-DEALER: I’ faith, there’s no fear of the hinges being broken off the doors, if you answer all who make enquiries in this fashion.

LIBANUS: This door is of this habit; it cries out at once for tho porter, if it sees any door-kicker at a distance coming towards it. But what are you come for? What are you enquiring about?

THE ASS-DEALER: I wanted Demaenetus.

LIBANUS: If he were at home, I would tell you so.

THE ASS-DEALER: Well, his chamberlain then?

LIBANUS: No more is ne at home.

THE ASS-DEALER: Where is he?

LIBANUS: He said he was going to the barber’s.

THE ASS-DEALER: Hasn’t he returned, since he went there?

LIBANUS: I’ faith, he hasn’t. What did you want?

THE ASS-DEALER: He was to have received twenty mine of silver, if he had been in.

LIBANUS: What was it for?

THE ASS-DEALER: He sold some asses at market to a dealer from Pella.

LIBANUS: I understand; you are bringing it now. I think that he’ll be here just now.

THE ASS-DEALER: Of what appearance is your chamberlain Saurea? If it’s he, I shall be able to know at once.

LIBANUS: Lantern-jawed, with reddish hair, a little pot-bellied, with glaring eyes, middling stature, sour aspect.

THE ASS-DEALER: A painter couldn’t have more correctly described his appearance— And, i’ faith, I see the very man; he’s coming this way, wagging his head.

LIBANUS: Whoever gets in his way when he’s in a passion, he’ll be for striking him.

THE ASS-DEALER: By my faith, if, indeed, he were coming filled with the threats and the courage of the grandson ofAeacus, if he were to touch me in his wrath, in his wrath he would be getting a thrashing.

(Enter LEONIDA, counterfeiting SAUREA.)

LEONIDA: (to himself.) What’s this to do here? Not a person bares a bit about my orders! How did I order Libanus to come to the barber’s shop, and he didn’t come at all. I’ faith, for sure he hasn’t consulted well for his back and his legs.

THE ASS-DEALER: (to himself.) This is a very overbearing fellow.

LIBANUS: (to the ASS-DEALER.) Woe to me this day!

LEONIDA: I bid welcome to Libanus, the freed-man! Are you set at liberty now?

LIBANUS: I do implore you.

LEONIDA: In good sooth, to your great misfortune surely have you fallen in my way. Why didn’t you come to the barber’s shop, as I ordered you?

LIBANUS: (pointing to the ASS-DEALER.) This person detained me.

LEONIDA: I’ faith, if in fact you were now to say that supreme Jove had detained you, and he were present to sue for you, you shouldn’t escape the evil consequences. Whip-knave, did you disobey my orders? (Offers to strike him.)

LIBANUS: (to the ASS-DEALER.) Stranger, I’m done for.

THE ASS-DEALER: Prithee, Saurea, for my sake, don’t beat him.

LEONIDA: I wish, now, I had a whip in my hand—

THE ASS-DEALER: Prithee, do be appeased.

LEONIDA: —With which to lash your sides, which have grown callous with blows. (To the ASS-DEALER, who interposes.) Stand off this way; let me be the death of this fellow who is continually inflaming me with anger—a thief to whom I can never once enjoin a single thing, but that I must command the same things a hundred times, and din them in his ears. For that reason, now, by my troth, what with bawling and passion, I cannot endure the labour. Have you, you rascal, (pointing) ordered this dirt to be removed hence from the door?

Have you ordered the labours of the spiders to be swept down from the pillars? Have you ordered those bosses on our door to be brought to brightness? It’s of no use; I must walk about with a stick, as though I were a lame man. Because only for these single three days I have been giving my constant attendance at the Forum, in order to find some one who requires money upon interest, here, in the meantime, are you sleeping at home, and my master is living in a pigstye, not in a house. (He strikes LIBANUS.) There now, take you that.

LIBANUS: (to the ASS-DEALER.) Prithee, stranger, do take my part.

THE ASS-DEALER: Saurea, for my sake, I entreat you, do let him go.

LEONIDA: Hark you! has any one paid for the carriage of that olive oil?

LIBANUS: He has paid.

LEONIDA: To whom was it given?

LIBANUS: To Stichus himself, your deputy.

LEONIDA: Tut! you’re trying to mollify me. I know that he is my deputy, and that there isn’t a servant in the house who is more valuable to his master than he is. But the wines that I sold yesterday to Exaerambus, the wine merchant, has he yet paid Stichus for them?

LIBANUS: I think he has, in full; for I saw Exaerambus himself bringing hither his banker.

LEONIDA: On such terms would I always deal; before, what I’ve trusted, I’ve hardly been paid within a year after.

Now he’s quite in a hurry; even of his own accord he brings him to the house, and writes a transfer of the money. Has Dromo paid down the wages agreed upon?

LIBANUS: Less than half, I think.

LEONIDA: What about the remainder?

LIBANUS: He said that he would pay it directly it was paid to him; for it was retained until he had finished the work that was agreed on to be done by him.

LEONIDA: The cups that I lent to Philodamus, has he brought them back?

LIBANUS: Not yet.

LEONIDA: What, not yet? If you wish to make a present, lend to a person that is a friend—

THE ASS-DEALER: (aside.) I’ faith, I’m quite undone; he’ll be just now driving me away with his ill-temper.

LIBANUS: (in a low voice to LEONIDA.) Hallo! you, enough now. Do you hear what he’s saying?

LEONIDA: (in the same way to LIBANUS.) I hear, and I’ll have done.

THE ASS-DEALER: (aside.) At last, I think, he has done: now it’s best to accost him before he commences again to prate. (To LEONIDA.) How soon, sir, will you give me your attention?

LEONIDA: Oh, by all means—have you been here any time?

Troth, I didn’t observe you; pray, don’t lay it to my charge: anger has so blinded my eyesight.

THE ASS-DEALER: ’Tisn’t to be wondered at. But if he’s at home, I was wanting Demaenetus.

LEONIDA: Libanus says that he isn’t within. But still, if you like to pay that money over to me, I’ll give you an acquittance that the account is discharged as to that item.

THE ASS-DEALER: This way rather, for me to pay you in the presence of your master, Demaenetus.

LIBANUS: My master knows him, and he my master.

THE ASS-DEALER: In his master’s presence, I’ll pay him.

LIBANUS: At my peril, so you only pay him, I’ll engage the matter’s safe. For if our old gentleman were to know that confidence wasn’t placed in him, to whom he himself always entrusts the management of all matters, he would be angry.

LEONIDA: I don’t much care; don’t let him not pay it, if he don’t like; so let him stand here.

LIBANUS: Give it him, I say. Oh dear, I’m sadly afraid that he’ll be thinking that I’ve persuaded you not to trust him; prithee, do give it and don’t be afraid. Upon my word, it will be safe.

THE ASS-DEALER: I think it will be—so long, indeed, as I myself keep it in my hand. I’m a stranger; I don’t know Saurea.

LIBANUS: Well, know him now then.

THE ASS-DEALER: It may be he, it may not be he; i’ faith, I know not; if it’s he, why then it must be he. I know for sure that I shall give this up to no person that I don’t know.

LEONIDA: (aside.) Troth now, may all the Gods confound the fellow. (Aloud to LIBANUS.) Take care you don’t entreat him with a word. He’s arrogant, because he’s fingering my twenty minae. No one will take it. (To the ASS-DEALER.) Take yourself off home, be off from here, and don’t be troublesome.

THE ASS-DEALER: You are in too angry mood: it isn’t right for a person who is a slave to give himself airs.

LIBANUS: By my faith, to your own great misfortune now are you talking uncivilly to him.

Dirty, worthless fellow, don’t you see he’s angry?

LEONIDA: (to the ASS-DEALER.) Be off then.

LIBANUS: (to the ASS-DEALER.) Scoundrelly fellow. (Aside to him.) Prithee, do give him the money lest he should abuse you.

THE ASS-DEALER: On my word, you are seeking evil for yourselves.

LEONIDA: (to LIBANUS.) By the powers, your legs shall be broken, if you don’t proclaim this shameless fellow.

LIBANUS: Troth, I’m undone. Be off, you shameless fellow.

LEONIDA: You rascal.

LIBANUS: (to the ASS-DEALER.) Won’t you venture to assist me, you rascal?

LEONIDA: Do you persist in soliciting the scamp?

THE ASS-DEALER: How’s this? (To LEONIDA.) Do you, rascal, who are a slave, speak abusively to a free man?

LEONIDA: Give him a beating.

THE ASS-DEALER: By my faith, that surely shall befall yourself to get a beating as soon as ever I shall see Demaenetus this day.

I summon you to judgments.

LEONIDA: I shan’t go.

THE ASS-DEALER: You won’t go? Remember—

LEONIDA: I do remember.

THE ASS-DEALER: I’ faith, I’ll have satisfaction out of your back.

LEONIDA: Woe unto you? What, villain—satisfaction to be given by us to you indeed?

THE ASS-DEALER: Aye, and even this very day satisfaction shall be given me for your abusive language.

LEONIDA: How now, whip-knave? How say you, hang-dog? Do you suppose that we shall run away from our master? Go this instant then to our master, where you were citing us just now, and where you were wishing to go.

THE ASS-DEALER: What, now at last? Still, you shall never get a coin of money away from me, unless Demaenetus shall order me to give it.

LEONIDA: Do so. Come, move on then. Are you to offer insults to another person, and are they not to be repeated to yourself?

I’m a man as much as you are.

THE ASS-DEALER: No doubt such is the fact.

LEONIDA: Follow me this way, then. With your good leave I would now say this: not a person has ever accused me by reason of my deserving it, nor is there in Athens one other individual, this day, whom they would think they could as safely trust.

THE ASS-DEALER: Perhaps so: but still, you shall never this day persuade me to entrust to you, whom I don’t know, this money.

A man to a man is a wolf, not a man, when the other doesn’t know of what character he is.

LEONIDA: Now at last you are appeasing me: I was sure that this day you would give satisfaction to this poor head of mine; although I’m in mean garb, still, I’m well to do, nor can an estimate of my means be formed from it.

THE ASS-DEALER: Perhaps so.

LEONIDA: Still more then I tell you: Periphanes, a merchant of Rhodes, a rich man, in the absence of my master, himself alone paid over to me, in private, a talent of silver, and trusted me, nor was he deceived in it.

THE ASS-DEALER: Perhaps so.

LEONIDA: And you, too, yourself, as well, if you had enquired about me of other people, would, i’ faith, I’m quite sure, have entrusted to me what you now have with you.

THE ASS-DEALER: I don’t deny it. (Exeunt.)