Chapter 5

(Enter NICOBULUS, wringing his hands.)

NICOBULUS: Whoever there are in any place whatsoever, whoever have been, and whoever shall be, in time to come, fools, blockheads, idiots, dolts, sots, oafs, lubbers, I singly by far exceed them all in folly and absurd ways.

I’m undone. I’m ashamed of myself; that I at this time of life should disgracefully have been twice made a fool of! The more I think of this confusion which my son has made, the more am I incensed. I’m ruined, and I’m utterly destroyed; I’m distracted in every possible way. All plagues harass me, by all modes of death do I perish. This day has Chrysalus rent me in pieces; Chrysalus has plundered wretched me;

he, the villain, by his clever tricks, has shaved, to the very quick, simple me, just as he has pleased. For the Captain says that she is a Courtezan, whom that fellow said was his wife; and he has informed me of everything, as each particular happened; how that she had been hired by him for this year; how that that much gold was left to be repaid, which I, most simple man, had promised him.’Tis this, this, I say, through which my breast boils with indignation;’tis this, in fine, by which I am distracted;

that I, at my time of life, should be made a fool of, aye, by Heaven, so made a very sport of, and with my hoary head and white beard, that wretched I should be bamboozled out of my gold. Undone am I, inasmuch as this slave of mine has dared in this way to set not the value of a nutshell upon me. And I—if any other way I had lost a greater sum—I should have taken it less amiss, and have deemed it less of a loss to me. (Enter PHILOXENUS.)

PHILOXENUS: (as he enters.) For sure, some person, I know not who, seems to be talking near to me. But who’s this I see?

Really,’tis the father of Mnesilochus.

NICOBULUS: Hah! I see a partner in affliction. Save you, Philoxenus!

PHILOXENUS: And you; whence are you betaking yourself?

NICOBULUS: From a place whence comes a wretched and a luckless mortal.

PHILOXENUS: Why, troth, I’m surely on the earth, the spot where it befits a wretched and a luckless mortal to be.

NICOBULUS: We now, as we are of like age, are meeting with similar fortunes.

PHILOXENUS: So it is. But as to yourself, what’s the matter with you?

NICOBULUS: I’ faith, mine’s the same mishap as your own.

PHILOXENUS: Does this misfortune in any way relate to your son?

NICOBULUS: Such is the fact.

PHILOXENUS: The same disease exists in my own breast.

NICOBULUS: Aye, and that very worthy fellow, Chrysalus, has been ruining my son, myself, and all my fortunes.

PHILOXENUS: Pray now, what is this mishap of yours about your son?

NICOBULUS: You shall know:

together with your own son he’s undone; both of them are keeping mistresses alike.

PHILOXENUS: How do you know?

NICOBULUS: I have seen them.

PHILOXENUS: Ah! wretch that I am! I’m ruined outright.

NICOBULUS: Why do we hesitate a moment to knock and to call them both hither out of doors.

PHILOXENUS: I don’t object.

NICOBULUS: (knocks at the door of the house of BACCHIS.) Hallo there! Bacchis! Bid the door to be opened this instant, if you please, unless you had rather the door and the posts be knocked to bits with hatchets.

(Enter FIRST BACCHIS and SECOND BACCHIS from the house.)

1st BACCHIS: Who is it that calls out my name with such a noise and tumult, and is knocking so hard at the door?

NICOBULUS: I and this person here. (Pointing to PHILOXENUS.)

1st BACCHIS: Pray, what’s the matter now? Who has been driving these sheep to us?

NICOBULUS: These most shocking hussies call us sheep.

2nd BACCHIS: Their shepherd’s asleep, as they come straying thus from the flock.

1st BACCHIS: But, i’ faith, they are not white; they both look dirty.

2nd BACCHIS: Because they have both been shorn just now.

PHILOXENUS: How they seem to be laughing at us.

NICOBULUS: Let them, just as long as they please.

1st BACCHIS: Don’t you think that these sheep are shorn three times a year?

2nd BACCHIS: I’ faith, to-day one of them has been already shorn twice, that’s sure.

1st BACCHIS: They are old and fleeceless, both of them.

2nd BACCHIS: But I think they have been in good plight once.

1st BACCHIS: Prithee, do you see how they are looking with a sheep’s eye at us?

2nd BACCHIS: By my troth, I really do believe they are without any ill design.

PHILOXENUS: This happens to us deservedly, for having come here.

1st BACCHIS: Well, let them be driven in-doors to fold.

2nd BACCHIS: I don’t know what occasion there is for that, as they have neither milk nor wool. Let them stand as they are.

Of whatever value they have been, they are now out of date; all their fruit has fallen off them by this. Don’t you see, how, straying unattended, they are ranging about at liberty? Why, I fancy that they must be dumb with age; they don’t bleat even, though they are absent from the rest of the flock.

They seem both silly and worthless.

1st BACCHIS: Let’s return in-doors, sister.

NICOBULUS: Stay where you are, both of you; these sheep want you.

2nd BACCHIS: Why, surely this is a prodigy; sheep are addressing us with a human voice.

PHILOXENUS: These sheep will return you the heavy and great injury which they owe to you.

1st BACCHIS: If you owe me aught, I forgive it you; keep it to yourself; I’ll never demand it of you. But what is the reason that you are threatening mischief to us?

PHILOXENUS: Because they say that our two lambs are shut up here. (Pointing to the house.)

NICOBULUS: And besides those lambs, my dog is there concealed that bites. If they are not now produced to us and sent out of the house, we shall be furious rams; we shall attack you forthwith.

1st BACCHIS: Sister, I have something to say to you in private.

2nd BACCHIS: How now, prithee? (They go apart.)

NICOBULUS: Whither are they going?

FIRST BACCHIS: Sister, I give to you that old fellow that’s farthest off, that you may have him cleverly smoothed down; I’ll now attack this other one that’s angry; if we can only entice them here indoors.

2nd BACCHIS: I’ll manage my task with cleverness, although’tis to caress an old skeleton.

1st BACCHIS: Take care and do your best.

2nd BACCHIS: Be quiet; do you do yours; I’ll manage what I have said.

NICOBULUS: Why are these two women holding a council here in private?

PHILOXENUS: What say you, my good fellow—?

NICOBULUS: What would you with me?

PHILOXENUS: I really am ashamed to tell you a certain thing.

NICOBULUS: What is it that you’re ashamed about?

PHILOXENUS: Still, as you are a person, a friend of mine, I’m determined to entrust you with what I could wish. (Whispers.) I’m good for nought.

NICOBULUS: I’ve known that this long time; but tell me why you’re good for nought?

PHILOXENUS: I’ve been terribly touched with birdlime: troth, my heart is pierced by the goad.

NICOBULUS: I’ faith,’twere much better if your flanks were goaded, you worthless fellow.

But what is it? Although I suspect that I myself pretty well know already what it is; still, I should even like to hear it from yourself.

PHILOXENUS: Do you see that woman? (Pointing to the SECOND BACCHIS.)

NICOBULUS: I see her.

PHILOXENUS: She’s not an uncomely person.

NICOBULUS: Troth, but she is decidedly uncomely; and you are a good-for-nothing fellow.

PHILOXENUS: Why more? I’m in love.

NICOBULUS: You, in love?

PHILOXENUS: ’Pon honor.

NICOBULUS: And do you, you rotten creature, presume to become a lover at your time of life?

PHILOXENUS: Why not?

NICOBULUS: Because it’s a disgrace.

PHILOXENUS: What need of words? I am not vexed with my son, nor yet is it right you should be vexed with yours: if they are in love, they do wisely.

1st BACCHIS: Follow me this way. (They approach the old men.)

NICOBULUS: See, they are moving at last, these allurers and enticers to disgrace. (To the women.) How now? Do you this instant restore us our sons and my servant, or am I to try rougher means with you?

PHILOXENUS: Won’t you away with you? You surely are not a man, to address a pretty woman so rudely in that fashion.

1st BACCHIS: Most worthy old gentleman, by whatsoever is upon the earth, let me entreat this of you, that you will cease to attack this error with such great vehemence.

NICOBULUS: If you don’t away with you, although you are so handsome, I’ll be doing you some great mischief just now.

1st BACCHIS: I shall endure it; I don’t apprehend that any blow that you can give, will cause me any pain.

NICOBULUS: How smooth of speech she is. O me! I am in alarm.

1st BACCHIS: (aside.) He’s more calm already.

(Aloud.) Step this way with me in-doors; and there, if you choose, correct your son. (Takes his arm.)

NICOBULUS: Avaunt from me, abomination! (Shakes her off.)

1st BACCHIS: Do, my love, let me prevail upon you.

NICOBULUS: You, prevail upon me?

2nd BACCHIS: For sure, I shall prevail, at all events, upon this gentleman. (Pointing to PHILOXENUS.)

PHILOXENUS: Yes, I beg of you to show me in-doors.

2nd BACCHIS: What a dear man you are.

PHILOXENUS: But do you know on what condition you are to show me in-doors?

2nd BACCHIS: That you are to be with me.

PHILOXENUS: You mention all that I desire.

2nd BACCHIS:

NICOBULUS: I have seen wicked men; but not one worse than yourself.

PHILOXENUS: I am as I am.

1st BACCHIS: (to NICOBULUS.) Step this way in-doors with me, where you may be elegantly received with viands, wine, and unguents.

NICOBULUS: Enough, enough now of your banquets; it matters not to me how I’m received. My son and Chrysalus have choused me out of four hundred Philippeans. If I don’t surely this day put him to the torture, may I never receive as large a sum again.

1st BACCHIS: What, pray, if half the gold is paid you back? Will you go in-doors here with me, and so control your feelings as to forgive them their faults?

PHILOXENUS: He’ll do it. (Takes his arm.)

NICOBULUS: Certainly not—I won’t—I don’t care—let me alone, now. (Shakes him off.) I had rather punish them both.

PHILOXENUS: Take you care, you good-for-nothing man, that through your own fault you don’t lose even that which the favouring Gods offer you. One half of the gold is offered; take it, and carouse, and enjoy yourself with your partner.

NICOBULUS: What, am I to carouse in that very place where my son is being corrupted?

PHILOXENUS: You must carouse there.

NICOBULUS: Am I to be the witness of it when she is reclining with him at table?

1st BACCHIS: Nay, so far as I’m concerned, i’ faith, I’ll recline at table with your own self.

NICOBULUS: My head does itch so. (Aside.) I’m a ruined man—I can scarce deny her.

PHILOXENUS: And has it not before this come into your mind, that if, while you live, you enjoy yourself, that, i’ faith, is for no very long time; and that, if you lose the present day, it can never return to you after you are dead?

NICOBULUS: What am I to do?

PHILOXENUS: What are you to do? Do you even ask it?

NICOBULUS: I should like, and yet I’m afraid.

1st BACCHIS: What are you afraid of?

NICOBULUS: Lest I should be exposed before my son and my servant.

1st BACCHIS: Pray now, my honey; such things do happen. He’s your own son; whence do you suppose that he is to have money, except that only which you give him yourself? Let me obtain pardon of you for them both.

NICOBULUS: (aside.) How she does work her way.

She’s now prevailing on me against that which I was quite resolved upon.

1st BACCHIS: I will love you, and embrace you.

NICOBULUS: Through your doing, and for your sake am I corrupted.

1st BACCHIS: I certainly had rather’twere for your own than for mine.

NICOBULUS: Come then, however that may be, although it is to my disgrace, I’ll submit; I’ll induce my feelings to do so.

1st BACCHIS: Have I that solemnly promised?

NICOBULUS: What I have once said, I will not alter.

1st BACCHIS: The day wears apace. Come into the house, to take your places at table: your sons are expecting within—

NICOBULUS: How soon, in fact, we may be dead, d’ye mean?

1st BACCHIS: ’Tis evening, already; come, follow us.

PHILOXENUS: Lead us in like bondsmen. (They go into the house.)

1st BACCHIS: (to the SPECTATORS.) Right cleverly are these persons entrapped themselves, who for their sons had laid a snare. (Goes in.)

The COMPANY of COMEDIANS: Had not these old men been worthless from their youth upwards, they would not, with their hoary heads, have this day done an action so disgraceful; nor, indeed, should we have represented this, if we had not, before this, seen it happen that fathers became the rivals of their sons in the houses of procurers. Spectators, we wish you Farewell! and that you will grant us loud applause.