Chapter 1

(Before daybreak.) Enter at one side of the stage PHAEDROMUS, with a lighted torch, and followed by SLAVES with wine and provisions for an entertainment, and PALINURUS on the opposite side.)

PALINURUS: Whither away must I say that you are going out of doors at this time o’ night, Phaedromus, with that dress and with this train?

PHAEDROMUS: Whither Venus and Cupid summon me, and Love persuades me; whether’tis the midnight or whether the earliest twilight, if the day is fixed for pleading your cause with your antagonist, still must you go where they command you, whether you will or no.

PALINURUS: But pray, pray—

PHAEDROMUS: Pray — you are annoying to me.

PALINURUS: Really that is neither pretty nor befitting you to say. You are your own servant; in your fine garb you are showing the light with your waxen torch.

PHAEDROMUS: And ought I not to carry that which is gathered by the labour of the little bees—which has its birth in sweets—to my own sweet one, my little honey?

PALINURUS: But whither must I say that you are going?

PHAEDROMUS: If you ask me that, I’ll tell, so that you may know.

PALINURUS: If I make the enquiry, what would you answer me?

PHAEDROMUS: This is the Temple (pointing to it) of Aesculapius.

PALINURUS: That I have known for more than a twelvemonth past.

PHAEDROMUS: Close to it is that door, dear as my very eyes. (Points to the door of CAPPADOX.) Hail to you! door, dear as my very eyes; have you been quite well of late?

PALINURUS: Did a fever leave you but yesterday, or the day before, and did you take your dinner yesterday?

PHAEDROMUS: Are you laughing at me?

PALINURUS: Why then, madman, are you enquiring whether the door is well or not?

PHAEDROMUS: I’ faith, I’ve known it as a door most comely and most discreet: never one word does it whisper; when it is opened, it is silent; and when, by night, she secretly comes out to me, it holds its peace.

PALINURUS: And are you not, Phaedromus, doing, or contemplating the doing of, some deed which is unworthy of yourself or of your family?

Are you not laying a snare for some modest fair one, or for one that should be modest?

PHAEDROMUS: For no one; and may Jupiter not permit me to do so.

PALINURUS: I wish the same. Ever, if you are wise, so bestow your love, that if the public should know the object which you love, it may be no disgrace to you.

Ever do you take care that you be not disgraced.

PHAEDROMUS: What means that expression?

PALINURUS: For you to proceed with caution on your path; the object that you love, love in the presence of witnesses.

PHAEDROMUS: Why,’tis a Procurer that lives here. (He points.)

PALINURUS: No one drives you away from there, nor yet forbids you, if you have the money, to buy what’s openly on sale.

No one forbids any person from going along the public road, so long as he doesn’t make a path through the field that’s fenced around; so long as you keep yourself away from the wife, the widow, the maiden, youthful age, and free-born children, love what you please.

PHAEDROMUS: This is the house of a Procurer.

PALINURUS: A curse befall it.

PHAEDROMUS: Why so?

PALINURUS: Because it serves in an infamous service.

PHAEDROMUS: You speak out.

PALINURUS: Be it so, most especially.

PHAEDROMUS: Once more, will you hold your tongue?

PALINURUS: You bade me speak out, I thought.

PHAEDROMUS: Then, now I forbid you. But, as I had begun to say, he has a young female slave—

PALINURUS: This Procurer, you mean, who’s living here?

PHAEDROMUS: You have hold of it exactly.

PALINURUS: The less shall I be in dread of its falling.

PHAEDROMUS: You are impertinent. He wishes to make her a courtesan, while she is desperately in love with me; whereas I don’t wish to have her upon loan.

PALINURUS: Why so?

PHAEDROMUS: Because I’m for having her as my own; I love her equally as well.

PALINURUS: Clandestine courtship is bad;’tis utter ruin.

PHAEDROMUS: I’ troth,’tis so as you say.

PALINURUS: Has she as yet submitted to the yoke of Venus?

PHAEDROMUS: For me she is as chaste as though she were my own sister, unless, indeed, she is any the more unchaste for some kissing.

PALINURUS: Always, do you understand, flame follows very close on smoke; with smoke, nothing can be burnt, with flame, it can.

He who wishes to eat the kernel of the nut, first breaks the nut; he who wishes to seduce, opens the dance with kisses.

PHAEDROMUS: But she is chaste, and never yet has bestowed her favours upon man.

PALINURUS: That I could believe, if any Procurer had any shame.

PHAEDROMUS: Well, but what think you of her? When she has any opportunity, she steals away to me; when she has given me a kiss, she’s off again. This happens by reason of this, because this Procurer is lying a-bed ill in the Temple of Aesculapius; that fellow is my torturer.

PALINURUS: How so?

PHAEDROMUS: At one time he asks me for thirty minae for her, at another for a great talent; and from him I cannot obtain any fair and just dealing.

PALINURUS: You are too exacting, in requiring that of him which no Procurer possesses.

PHAEDROMUS: Now, I’ve sent my Parasite hence to Caria, to ask for money on loan from my friend; if he doesn’t bring me this, which way to turn myself I know not.

PALINURUS: If you salute the Deities, towards the right I think; now this is this altar of Venus before their door.

PHAEDROMUS: I have already vowed to bring me an early breakfast for my Venus.

PALINURUS: What? Will you then be giving up yourself as a breakfast to Venus?

PHAEDROMUS: Myself, and you, and all of these. (Pointing to the SLAVES.)

PALINURUS: Then you would have Venus to be sick outright.

PHAEDROMUS: (to an ATTENDANT.) Here, boy, give me the bowl.

PALINURUS: What are you going to do?

PHAEDROMUS: You’ll know directly. An old hag is in the habit of sleeping here, as the keeper of the door; the name of the Procuress is Much-bibber and Neat-bibber.

PALINURUS: Just as you would speak of a flagon, in which Chian wine is wont to be.

PHAEDROMUS: What need is there of words? She is a most vinous soul;

and the very moment that I’ve sprinkled this door with the wine, she knows by the smell that I’m here, and opens it forthwith.

PALINURUS: Is it for her the bowl is brought with the wine?

PHAEDROMUS: Unless you object.

PALINURUS: I’ faith, I do object; for I’d rather have it broken about him who has brought it. I fancied it was brought for ourselves.

PHAEDROMUS: Why don’t you hold your tongue?

If any’s left after her, it will be enough for ourselves.

PALINURUS: What river is it, pray, that the sea does not receive?

PHAEDROMUS: Follow me this way, Palinurus, to the door; do you be obedient to me.

PALINURUS: I’ll do so. (They advance to the door of the PROCURER’S house.)

PHAEDROMUS: (sprinkling the door with wine.) Come, drink, you joyous door, quaff on, readily prove propitious unto me.

PALINURUS: (in an afected tone.) Door, would you like some olives or a tit-bit, or some capers?

PHAEDROMUS: Arouse and send out here to me your portress.

PALINURUS: You’re spilling the wine; what matter is it that possesses you? (Takes hold of his arm.)

PHAEDROMUS: Let me alone. Don’t you see? This most joyous door is opening; does the hinge make a bit of creaking?’Tis a charming one.

PALINURUS: Why don’t you then give it a kiss?

PHAEDROMUS: Hold your tongue; let’s keep back the light and our noise.

PALINURUS: Be it so. (They stand apart, leaving the bowl near the door.)

(Enter the PROCURESS, from the house of CAPPADOX.)

PROCURESS: The savour of aged wine has reached my nostrils; the love of it has brought me in my eagerness hither in the dark; wherever it is, it’s near me. O capital, I’ve found it. (Stooping, and smelling at the bowl.) Hail to you, my soul, Joy of dear Bacchus;

how enamoured am I of your old age. For in comparison with yours, the odour of all unguents were mere bilge-water; you are my myrrh, you my cinnamon, you my rose, you my saffron unguent and my cassia, you are my vine-palm scent. But, where you have been poured, there would I most earnestly hope to be buried.

PALINURUS: (apart.) This old lady’s thirsty;

how limited is her thirst?

PHAEDROMUS: (apart.) She’s a moderate person; she swallows eight gallons only.

PALINURUS: (apart.) I’ faith, according to your account, this year’s vintage is not enough for this old woman alone.

PROCURESS: But since as yet you, fragrance, alone have penetrated to my nostrils, so in its turn afford some delight to my throat. (Feels for the bowl on the ground, which PALINURUS draws away.) I find you not; where is your own dear self? I’m longing to touch you; do let me pour your liquids into me by sip-sipping. But in this direction it has gone, this way I’ll. follow it. (Goes in the direction of PALINURUS, who has the bowl.)

PALINURUS: (apart.) It really had been more proper for her to be a dog; she has a good nose.

PROCURESS: Prithee, whose voice is it that I hear at a distance.

PHAEDROMUS: (apart.) I think that this old hag should be accosted. I’ll approach her. (Aloud.) Come back, Procuress, and look back towards me.

PROCURESS: Who is it that gives his commands?

PHAEDROMUS: The all-powerful in wine, jolly Bacchus; he who, when you’re hawking, parched, and half asleep, brings you a draught and comes to quench your thirst.

PROCURESS: How far is he away from me?

PHAEDROMUS: (holding up the torch.) See this light.

PROCURESS: Then, prithee, do quicken your pace towards me.

PHAEDROMUS: Health to you.

PROCURESS: How can I have health, who am parched with thirst?

PHAEDROMUS: But you shall drink in a moment.

PROCURESS: ’Tis long a-coming.

PHAEDROMUS: (extending the bowl.) Here’s for you, jolly old dame.

PROCURESS: Health to you, gentleman dear as my very eyes.

PALINURUS: Come, toss this off quickly into your abyss; scour out your sink right speedily.

PHAEDROMUS: Hold your tongue; I won’t have her ill spoken to.

PALINURUS: (aside.) In preference, then, I’ll do her ill.

PROCURESS: (pouring some of the residue on the altar.) Venus, of this little, this very little will I give to thee —sore against my will; for all the lovers, in their cups, to propitiate thee, expend their wine upon thee: not such windfalls often fall to me. (Drinks again.)

PALINURUS: Do look at that, please, how greedily the filthy hag swills down the pure wine into herself with distended gullet.

PROCURESS: (patting her stomach and chuckling.) Ha, ha, ha

PALINURUS: How is it? Do you like it?

PROCURESS: I do like it.

PALINURUS: And I, too, should like to goad with a spur as well.

PHAEDROMUS: (aside to PALINURUS.) Don’t you—do hold your tongue.

PALINURUS: I’ll hold my tongue; (the old woman drinks) but see, the rainbow’s drinking; I’ faith, I do believe it will rain to-day.

PHAEDROMUS: Troth now, I’m quite undone; what first to say to her I know not.

PALINURUS: Why, the same thing that you said to me.

PHAEDROMUS: What’s that?

PALINURUS: Say that you’re quite undone.

PHAEDROMUS: May the Gods confound you.

PALINURUS: Say so to her.

PHAEDROMUS: Am I to say then to her—?

PALINURUS: Say what?

PHAEDROMUS: That I’m quite undone.

PALINURUS: Well then, say so.

PHAEDROMUS: Old lady, do listen. I wish you to know this; to my sorrow, I’m quite undone.

PROCURESS: But, i’ faith, for my part, I’m altogether brought to life. But why is it that you are pleased to say you are quite undone?

PHAEDROMUS: Because I’m deprived of the object which I love. (Pretends to weep)

PROCURESS: My dear Phaedromus, prithee, do not weep; do you take care that I’m not thirsty, I’ll at once bring out here for you the object which you love. (Goes into the house.)

PHAEDROMUS: Assuredly, if you keep faith with me, in place of a golden statue, I’ll erect for you one of wine, which shall be a memorial of your gullet Palinurus, who on earth will be so blest as myself, if she comes to me?

PALINURUS: By my faith, he who is in love, if he is in want as well, is afflicted with a dreadful malady.

PHAEDROMUS: Such is not the case with me; for I feel sure that this very day my Parasite will come hither to me with the money.

PALINURUS: You attempt something mighty, if you expect that which nowhere exists.

PHAEDROMUS: What if I approach the door, and trill a carol?

PALINURUS: If you choose; I neither bid nor request you, since, my master, I see that you are of manners and disposition thus changed.

PHAEDROMUS: (sings.) Bolts, O ye bolts, with pleasure do I salute you. I love you, I court you, I seek you, and you entreat; most kindly lend your aid to me in love;

become, for my sake, as though play-actors from foreign climes; leap upwards pray, and send out of doors this fair one, who drains my blood for me distractedly in love. (Addressing PALINURUS.) Look at that, how those most accursed bolts sleep on, and none the quicker for my sake do they bestir themselves.

(Addressing the door.) I see quite clearly that you don’t value my esteem at all. Hist! hush, hush!

PALINURUS: I’ troth, for my part I’m silent enough.

PHAEDROMUS: I hear a noise; at last, i’ faith, these bolts have become complaisant to me.

(Re-enter the PROCURESS, with PLANESIUM, from the house of CAPPADOX.)

PROCURESS: (to PLANESIUM, while opening the door.) Come softly out, and prevent the noise of the doors and the creaking of the hinges, my dear Planesium, that our master mayn’t perceive that that is going on which we are doing here.

Stay, I’ll pour a little water on it. (Pours water on the hinges.)

PALINURUS: (to PHAEDROMUS.) Do you see how the palsied hag is giving her dose? She herself has learnt right well to drink up the wine; to the door she’s giving water for it to drink.

PLANESIUM: (looking around.) Where are you—you who have summoned me on the recognizances of Venus? To you do I present myself, and, in the same way do I call on you, on the other hand, to present yourself to me.

PHAEDROMUS: (stepping forward.) Here I am; for could I be absent, I wouldn’t repine for any misfortune to befall me, my honey.

PLANESIUM: My life, it is not becoming for one thus in love to be at a distance.

PHAEDROMUS: Palinurus, Palinurus!

PALINURUS: Say on; why is it that you call upon Palinurus?

PHAEDROMUS: (aside.) She is a charming one.

PALINURUS: (aside.) Aye, too charming.

PHAEDROMUS: I am a God.

PALINURUS: Why, no—a mortal, of no great value.

PHAEDROMUS: What have you seen, or what will you see, more nearly to be compared with the Gods?

PALINURUS: You are not in your senses, master; a thing that’s grievous to me.

PHAEDROMUS: You are not sufficiently respectful to me: hold your tongue.

PALINURUS: The person that sees the object which he loves, and enjoys not the opportunity while he may, is one who torments his own self.

PHAEDROMUS: Rightly does he rebuke me; really there’s nothing which for this long time past I have more eagerly desired.

PLANESIUM: Clasp me, embrace me then.

PHAEDROMUS: (embracing her.) This, too, is a reason for which I could wish to live; because your master restrains, you, in secret do I court you.

PLANESIUM: Restrain me? He neither can restrain me, nor will he restrain me, unless death should separate my soul from you.

PHAEDROMUS: Let monarchs keep their kingdoms to themselves, the rich their riches to themselves, to themselves their honors, to themselves their prowess, to themselves their combats, to themselves their battles;

so long as they abstain from envying me, let each one of them keep what is his own.

PALINURUS: (aside.) Of a truth, I cannot refrain from giving a lecture to my master; for, really, it is good to love in a moderate degree; to distraction, it is not good; but to love to entire distraction, is the thing that my master’s doing. (Aloud.) What say you, sir? Have you made a vow, Phaedromus, you’d watch the night through for Venus? For really, upon my faith, before very long hence the dawn will be breaking.

PHAEDROMUS: Do hold your tongue.

PALINURUS: Why hold my tongue? What, are you going to sleep?

PHAEDROMUS: I am asleep; don’t you make a noise.

PALINURUS: Why, but you’re broad awake.

PHAEDROMUS: Aye, but after my own fashion I’m asleep; this is my slumber.

PALINURUS: (to PLANESIUM.) A word with you, madam;’tis thoughtlessness to treat amiss one who deserves it not.

PLANESIUM: You would be angry, if, when you are eating, he were to drive you away from your food.

PALINURUS: (aside.) It’s all over with him. I see that these two are equally in love to distraction; and both of them are mad. D’ye see how intensely they hug each other? They cannot embrace enough. (Addressing them.) Are you going to part yet?

PLANESIUM: No human being has blessings that last for ever. To this pleasure, then, is that plague added.

PALINURUS: What say you, you shocking hussy? What, you little tipsy ninny, are even you with your owlish eyes to be calling me a plague, you whipper-snapper?

PHAEDROMUS: What, you abusing my own Venus? And really, is a slave well trounced with the rod to be commencing a discussion with myself? But, by the powers, you’ve surely said that to your own misfortune. (Strikes him.) There, take that, by way of punishment for this abusive language, that you may be able to put a check upon your speech.

PALINURUS: (to PLANESIUM.) Your aid, I pray, you night-watching Venus.

PHAEDROMUS: What, do you still persist, whip-scoundrel? (Strikes hint.)

PLANESIUM: Don’t, there’s a dear, be beating a stone, lest you should hurt your hand.

PALINURUS: You perpetrate, Phaedromus, a flagitious and a shameful deed of great enormity; one who directs you aright, you pummel with your fists; her you are in love with, a mere nonentity.

Is it right that you should behave yourself in this unreasonable manner?

PHAEDROMUS: Find me a reasonable lover against his weight in gold; here, take the gold of me. (Holds out his purse.)

PALINURUS: Do you find me a person for me to serve in his sound senses against his weight in double-distilled gold.

PLANESIUM: Kindly fare you well, apple of my eye, for I hear the sound and creaking of doors; I think the keeper is opening the temple. But, prithee, in this same manner shall we always enjoy our love by stealth?

PHAEDROMUS: Far from it; for I sent my Parasite four days since to Caria to fetch some money; he’ll be here to-day.

PLANESIUM: You are very long in your contriving.

PHAEDROMUS: So may Venus love me, I’ll never allow you to be three days in this house here, before I procure your liberty.

PLANESIUM: Take care to remember it. Once more, before I go hence, take this kiss. (Kisses him.)

PHAEDROMUS: By heavens, really if a kingdom now were offered me, I should not obtain it with greater pleasure. When shall I see you again?

PLANESIUM: Why now, for that expression get ready the Praetor’s rod; if you love me, purchase my freedom; don’t make any haggling. Take care to prevail with your offer. Kindly adieu! (Goes into the house of the PROCURER.)

PHAEDROMUS: And am I then left behind? Palinurus, I’m Lilled outright.

PALINURUS: And I as well, who am dying with thumps and sleepiness.

PHAEDROMUS: Do you follow me. (They go into the house of PHAEDROMUS.)