Chapter 5

(Enter PERIPLECOMENUS from his house, with CARIO and other SERVANTS, dragging PYRGOPOLINICES.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Bring that fellow along. If he doesn’t follow, drag him, lifted on high, out of doors.

Make him to be between heaven and earth; cut him in pieces.

(They beat him.)

PYRGOPOLINICES: By my troth, I do entreat you, Periplecomenus.

PERIPLECOMENUS: By my troth, you do entreat in vain. Take care, Cario, that that knife of yours is very sharp.

CARIO: Why, it’s already longing to rip up the stomach of this letcher. I’ll make his entrails hang just as a bauble hangs from a baby’s neck.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I’m a dead man.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Not yet; you say so too soon.

CARIO: Shall I have at this fellow now?

PERIPLECOMENUS: Aye,—but first let him be thrashed with cudgels.

CARIO: True, right lustily.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Why have you dared, you disgraceful fellow, to seduce another man’s wife?

PYRGOPOLINICES: So may the Gods bless me, she came to me of her own accord.

PERIPLECOMENUS: It’s a lie. Lay on.

(They are about to strike.)

PYRGOPOLINICES: Stay, while I tell—

PERIPLECOMENUS: Why are you hesitating?

PYRGOPOLINICES: Will you not let me speak?

PERIPLECOMENUS: Speak, then.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I was entreated to come here.

PERIPLECOMENUS: How did you dare? There’s for you, take that.

(Strikes him.)

PYRGOPOLINICES: O! O! I’ve had enough. Prithee, now.

CARIO: Am I to begin cutting him up at once?

PERIPLECOMENUS: As soon as you like. Stretch the fellow out, and spread out his pinions in opposite ways.

PYRGOPOLINICES: By heavens, prithee, do hear my words before he cuts me.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Speak before you’re made of no sex.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I supposed that she was a widow; and so her maid, who was her go-between, informed me.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Now take an oath that you won’t injure any person for this affair, because you have been beaten here today, or shall be beaten hereafter, if we let you go safe hence, you dear little grandson of Venus.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I swear by Dione and Mars that I will hurt no one because I have been beaten here this day; and I think that it was rightfully done; and if I don’t go hence further injured, I am rightly punished for the offence.

PERIPLECOMENUS: But what if you don’t do so?

PYRGOPOLINICES: Then, may I always have my word not to be trusted

CARIO: Let him be beaten once more; after that I think he may be dismissed.

PYRGOPOLINICES: May the Gods ever bless you, since you so kindly come as my advocate.

CARIO: Give us a golden mina, then.

PYRGOPOLINICES: For what reason?

CARIO: That we may now let you go hence unmaimed, you little grandson of Venus; otherwise you shall not escape from here; don’t you deceive yourself.

PYRGOPOLINICES: It shall be given you.

CARIO: You’re very wise. As for your tunic, and your scarf, and sword, don’t at all hope for them; you shan’t have them.

A SERVANT.: Shall I beat him again, or do you let him go?

PYRGOPOLINICES: I’m tamed by your cudgels. I do entreat you.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Loose him.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I return you thanks.

PERIPLECOMENUS: If I ever catch you here again, I’ll insert a disqualifying clause.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Well: I make no objection.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Let’s go in, Cario.

(PERIPLECOMENUS, CARIO, and SERVANTS go into his house.)

(Enter SCLEDRUS and other SERVANTS of the CAPTAIN.)

PYRGOPOLINICES: Here are some of my servants, I see. Tell me, is Philocomasium off yet.

SCELEDRUS: Aye, some time since.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Ah me!

SCELEDRUS: You would say that still more if you were to know what I know, for that fellow who had the wool before his eye was no sailor.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Who was he, then?

SCELEDRUS: A lover of Philocomasium’s.

PYRGOPOLINICES: How do you know?

SCELEDRUS: I do know: for after they had got out of the city gate, they didn’t wait a moment before falling to kissing and embracing each other at once.

PYRGOPOLINICES: O wretched fool that I am! I see that I have been gulled. That scoundrel of a fellow, Palaestrio, it was he that contrived this plot against me.

SCELEDRUS: I think it was properly done. If it were so done to other letchers, there would be fewer letchers here; they would stand more in awe, and give their attention less to these pursuits.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Let’s go into my house.

AN ACTOR: (to the AUDIENCE.) Give us your applause.