Chapter 4

(Enter PYRGOPOLINICES and PALAESTRIO.)

PYRGOPOLINICES: ’Tis a pleasure what you do, if it succeeds agreably and to your mind. For I this day have sent my Parasite to King Seleucus, to lead those soldiers, that I have levied, hence to Seleucus;

in order that they may defend his kingdom till I have leisure to attend in person.

PALAESTRIO: Why don’t you attend to your own concerns rather than those of Seleucus. What a charming new proposal is being offered to you through me as the negotiator.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Well then, I lay all other things aside, and I give my attention to you. Speak out: my ears, in fact, I surrender at your disposal.

PALAESTRIO: Look around, then, that no one here may be an eavesdropper for our discourse; for this business was entrusted me to transact with you in private.

PYRGOPOLINICES: (looks around). There’s no one near.

PALAESTRIO: In the first place, receive from me this pledge of affection. (Gives him the ring.)

PYRGOPOLINICES: What’s this? Whence comes it?

PALAESTRIO: From a charming and a handsome lady, one who loves you, and dotes upon your extreme beauty.

Her maid just now gave me the ring that I might then give it to you.

PYRGOPOLINICES: What? Is she free born or a freed woman, made free from a slave by the Praetor’s rod?

PALAESTRIO: Pshaw! Should I presume to be the bearer of a message to you from a person once a slave, who cannot sufficiently answer the demands of the free women who are longing for you?

PYRGOPOLINICES: Is she wife, or is she widow?

PALAESTRIO: She is both wife and widow.

PYRGOPOLINICES: In what way is it possible for the same woman to be a wife and a widow?

PALAESTRIO: Because she is a young woman married to an old man.

PYRGOPOLINICES: That’s good.

PALAESTRIO: She is of genteel and charming person.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Beware of misrepresenting.

PALAESTRIO: It is alone worthy to be compared with your own charms.

PYRGOPOLINICES: By my faith, you make her out to be a beauty. But who is she?

PALAESTRIO: The wife of that old gentleman, Periplecomenus, next door.

She is dying for you, and wishes to leave him; she hates the old fellow. Now she has begged me to entreat and beseech you that you will give her your support and assistance.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I’ faith, I’m ready for my part if she desires it.

PALAESTRIO: Doesn’t she long for it?

PYRGOPOLINICES: What shall we do with that mistress of mine, who is at my house?

PALAESTRIO: Why, do you bid her to be gone about her business, wherever she chooses; as her twin-sister has come here to Ephesus, and her mother, and they are come to fetch her.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Ha! what’s that you say? Has her mother come to Ephesus?

PALAESTRIO: Those say so who know it.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I’ faith, a charming opportunity for me to turn the wench out of doors.

PALAESTRIO: Aye, but do you wish to do the thing handsomely?

PYRGOPOLINICES: Speak out, and give me your advice.

PALAESTRIO: Do you wish to pack her off forthwith, that she may quit you with a good grace?

PYRGOPOLINICES: I do so wish.

PALAESTRIO: Then this is the thing you must do. You have a superabundance of wealth; bid the woman to keep as a present for herself the gold and trinkets which you have supplied her with, and to take herself off from your house wherever she likes.

PYRGOPOLINICES: It pleases me what you say; but yet, only think, if I should lose her, and the other change her mind?

PALAESTRIO: Pshaw! you’re over nice; a lady, that loves you as her own eyes.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Venus befriends me.

PALAESTRIO: Hist! hush! the door is opening; come this way a little out of sight. (MILPHIDIPPA comes out of the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.) This is her fly-boat—her go-between, that’s coming out there.

PYRGOPOLINICES: How so—fly-boat?

PALAESTRIO: This is her maid that is coming out of the house, she that brought that ring which I delivered to you.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I’ faith, she too is a prettyish wench.

PALAESTRIO: This one is a little monkey and an owl in comparison with the other.

Do you see how she hunts around with her eyes, and goes fowling about with her ears.

(They stand aside.)

(Enter MILPHIDIPPA.)

MILPHIDIPPA: (as she enters.) My Circus, then, is before the house, where my sports are to take place. I’ll make pretence, as though I didn’t see them, or knew as yet that they are here.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Hush! let’s quietly listen, whether any mention is made of me.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) Is there no one near at hand here, to attend to another’s business rather than his own?— to prowl after me to see what I’m about? No one who is feeding this evening at his own expense? I dread such men as these, lest they should now come in the way, or prove an hindrance somehow, should my mistress privately pass from her house this way, who is so enamoured of his person, who so dotes upon this very charming man with his exceeding beauty—the Captain Pyrgopolinices

PYRGOPOLINICES: And doesn’t she dote upon me, too? She is praising my beauty.

PALAESTRIO: I’ faith, her language stands in need of no ashes.

PYRGOPOLINICES: For what reason?

PALAESTRIO: Why, because her language is clean spoken and far from slovenly.

Whatever she says about yourself, she handles it in no slovenly way.

And, then, besides, she herself is a very pretty and a very dainty wench.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Troth, indeed, she has made an impression already, Palaestrio, at first sight.

PALAESTRIO: What! before you have seen the other with your eyes?

PYRGOPOLINICES: What I see, in that I have faith for myself; for this mackerel, in the absence of the mullet, compels me to be in love with her.

PALAESTRIO: I’ faith, you really mustn’t be falling in love with her, she’s engaged to me. If the other weds you to-day, forthwith I shall take this one for my wife.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Why, then, do you delay to accost her?

PALAESTRIO: Follow me this way, then.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I am your lackey at your heels.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) I wish that I had an opportunity of meeting him on account of whom I came here out of doors.

PALAESTRIO: (accosting her.) It shall be so, and you shall have what you so greatly wish; be of good courage, don’t fear; there is a certain person who knows where that is which you are seeking.

MILPHIDIPPA: Who’s that I hear at hand?

PALAESTRIO: The sharer of your plans and the partaker of your secrets.

MILPHIDIPPA: I’ faith, then, what I do conceal I don’t conceal.

PALAESTRIO: Aye, but still you don’t conceal it this way.

MILPHIDIPPA: How so?

PALAESTRIO: From the uninitiated you conceal them. I am sure and trustworthy to you.

MILPHIDIPPA: Give me the sign, if you are one of these votaries.

PALAESTRIO: A certain lady loves a certain gentleman.

MILPHIDIPPA: Faith, many ladies do that indeed.

PALAESTRIO: But not many ladies send a present from off their fingers.

MILPHIDIPPA: Aye, I know now. You’ve now made the matter level for me instead of steep. But is there a certain person here?

PALAESTRIO: Either he is or he is not.

MILPHIDIPPA: Come aside with me alone, in private.

PALAESTRIO: For a short or for a lengthy conversation?

MILPHIDIPPA: For three words only.

PALAESTRIO: (to PYRGOPOLINICES.) I’ll return to you this instant.

PYRGOPOLINICES: What? Shall I be standing here in the meanwhile, with such charms and valorous deeds, thus to no purpose?

PALAESTRIO: Submit to it and wait; for you am I doing this service.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Make haste; I am tortured with waiting.

PALAESTRIO: You know that commodities of this kind are only wont to be reached step by step.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Well, well; as is most agreable to yourself.

PALAESTRIO: (aside.) There is no stone more stupid than this fellow. I now return to you.

(To MILPHIDIPPA.) What would you with me?

(Retires with her to distance.)

MILPHIDIPPA: In the way in which I received it of you a short time since, I bring you back your clever lot;

my story is as though she were dying with love for him.

PALAESTRIO: That I understand.

Do you commend his beauty and his appearance, and make mention of his prowess.

MILPHIDIPPA: For that purpose I am armed at all points, as I have shown you before already.

On the other hand, do you give all attention, and be on the watch, and take your cue from my words.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Prithee do now, in fine, give me some share in the business; step this way this instant, I beg.

PALAESTRIO: (goes up to him.) Here I am. If you wish for aught, give me your commands.

PYRGOPOLINICES: What is she saying to you?

PALAESTRIO: She is saying that her mistress is lamenting, and, in tears, is tormenting and afflicting herself because she wishes for you, and because she possesses you not; for that reason has she been sent here to you.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Bid her approach.

PALAESTRIO: But do you know how you are to act? Pretend that you are full of disdain, as though it pleased you not; exclaim against me, because I make you so common to the mob.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I remember, and I’ll follow your instructions.

PALAESTRIO: I’ll call her, then, who is inquiring after you.

PYRGOPOLINICES: If she wants anything, let her come.

PALAESTRIO: Wench, if you want anything, step this way.

MILPHIDIPPA: (approaching.) Save you, charmer.

PYRGOPOLINICES: She makes mention of my surname. May the Gods grant you whatever you may desire.

MILPHIDIPPA: To pass life with you is the wish of—

PYRGOPOLINICES: You are wishing too much.

MILPHIDIPPA: I am not speaking of myself, but of my mistress, who is dying for you.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Many others are wishing for the same thing, who have not the opportunity.

MILPHIDIPPA: By my troth,’tis not to be wondered at; you set a high value on yourself—a person so handsome, and so illustrious for his prowess, and so valorous in his deeds! O! was there ever any one more worthy to be a man?

PALAESTRIO: (aside.) I’ faith, the filthy fellow is not a human being; indeed, I think there is something more human in a vulture.

PYRGOPOLINICES: (aside.) Now I shall make myself of importance, since she so praises me up.

(Struts about.)

PALAESTRIO: (aside.) Do you see the blockhead, how he struts? (To PYRGOPOLINICES.) But will you not answer her; she is the woman that’s come from the lady whom I was mentioning just now.

PYRGOPOLINICES: But from which one of them? For there are so many courting me, I cannot remember them all.

MILPHIDIPPA: From her who strips her own fingers and adorns your fingers; for I delivered to him (pointing to PALAESTRIO) that ring from her who is sighing for you, and then he to you.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Tell me, wench, what is it you want then?

MILPHIDIPPA: That you will not despise her who is sighing for you; who lives now but in your life: whether she is to exist or not, her hope is in you alone.

PYRGOPOLINICES: What does she want then?

MILPHIDIPPA: To talk with you, to embrace you, and to be intimate with you. For unless you bring her succour, she will soon be quite desponding in her mind. Come, my Achilles, let that be done which I entreat; save her, charmer, by your charming ways.

Call forth your kind disposition, stormer of cities, slayer of kings.

PYRGOPOLINICES: O! by my troth,’tis a vexatious thing! (To PALAESTRIO.) How often, whip-scoundrel, have I forbidden you to make promises of my attention thus common.

PALAESTRIO: Do you hear that, hussy? I have told you already, and I now tell you again, unless a fee is given to this boar-pig, he cannot possibly throw away his attentions in any quarter.

MILPHIDIPPA: A fee shall be given, as large as he shall demand.

PALAESTRIO: He requires a talent of gold, in Philippean pieces. Less he will take from no one.

MILPHIDIPPA: O, by my troth, but that’s too little, surely.

PYRGOPOLINICES: By nature there’s no avarice in me; I have riches enough. I’ faith! I’ve more than a thousand measures full of Philippean gold coins.

PALAESTRIO: Besides your treasures.

Then, of silver, he has mountains, not ingots; Aetna is not so high.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aside.) By the stars! O, what a lie!

PALAESTRIO: (to MILPHIDIPPA, aside.) How rarely I am playing him off!

MILPHIDIPPA: (to PALAESTRIO, aside.) And I; how do I do it? Ain’t I gulling him?

PALAESTRIO: (aside.) Rarely.

MILPHIDIPPA: But, prithee, do let me go now.

PALAESTRIO: (to the CAPTAIN.) But do you give her some answer, either that you will do it, or that you won’t do it.

Why cause this poor lady so much anguish of mind, who has never deserved any ill of you?

PYRGOPOLINICES: Bid her come to me herself. Tell her that I will do everything that she requires.

MILPHIDIPPA: You now act as it is proper for you to act. since you wish the same yourself that she is wishing.

PALAESTRIO: (to himself, aside.) No poor faculty of invention has she.

MILPHIDIPPA: Since too you have not scouted your petitioner, and have suffered me to prevail upon you. (Aside to PALAESTRIO.) How now? Haven’t I played him off?

PALAESTRIO: (aside to MILPHIDIPPA.) Faith, I couldn’t refrain from laughing.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aside to PALAESTRIO.) Yes; and for the same reason I turned in this direction away from you.

PYRGOPOLINICES: By my troth, wench, you don’t understand how great an honor I am now paying her.

MILPHIDIPPA: I know, and I shall tell her so.

PALAESTRIO: To another he could have sold his favours for his weight in gold.

MILPHIDIPPA: I’ faith, I believe you in that.

PALAESTRIO: Of those that are parents by him true warriors are born, and his sons live eight hundred years.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aside to PALAESTRIO.) Fie on you for a fibber!

PYRGOPOLINICES: Why, straight on, from age to age, they live for a thousand years.

PALAESTRIO: I spoke within limits, for the reason that she mightn’t suppose I was telling lies to her.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aside.) I burst, I die! (Aloud.) How many years will he live himself whose sons live so long?

PYRGOPOLINICES: Wench, I was born the day after Jupiter was born of Ops.

PALAESTRIO: If he had only been born the day before the other was, he would have had the realms of heaven.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aside to PALAESTRIO.) Now, now, prithee, no more do let me get away from you, if I can, alive.

PALAESTRIO: Why don’t you go then, as you have your answer?

MILPHIDIPPA: I’ll go, and I’ll bring her here, on whose behalf I am employed. Is there aught else you wish?

PYRGOPOLINICES: May I never be more handsome than I am at present; so much trouble do my good looks cause me.

PALAESTRIO: Why do you stay now? Why don’t you go?

MILPHIDIPPA: I’m going.

PALAESTRIO: (aside to MILPHIDIPPA.) And tell her, too, do you hear, cleverly and correctly, what has passed.

MILPHIDIPPA: (to PALAESTRIO.) So that her very heart may leap for joy.

PALAESTRIO: (aside to MILPHIDIPPA) If Philocomasium is there, tell her to pass through into our house; that the Captain here.

MILPHIDIPPA: (to PALAESTRIO.) She is there with my mistress for, on the sly, they have been overhearing this conversation.

PALAESTRIO: (aside to MILPHIDIPPA.) ’Twas cleverly done; here after they will take their cue the more readily from this conversation.

MILPHIDIPPA: (to PALAESTRIO.) You are delaying me. I’m off.

PALAESTRIO: (to MILPHIDIPPA.) I’m not delaying you, nor touching you, nor —I’m mum.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Bid her make haste to come out here; we’ll give our first attention to this matter especially. (MILPHIDIPPA goes into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.)

(PYRGOPOLINICES, PALAESTRIO.)

PYRGOPOLINICES: What do you advise me now to do, Palaestrio, about my mistress? For this lady can by no means be received into my house before I have sent the other away.

PALAESTRIO: Why consult me what you are to do? So far as I am concerned, I have told you by what method that can be effected in the gentlest manner. The gold trinkets and female clothing with which you have furnished her, let her keep it all for herself: let her take it, be off, and carry it away:

tell her that it is high time for her to go home; say that her twin-sister and her mother are come, in company with whom she may go straight home.

PYRGOPOLINICES: How do you know that they are here?

PALAESTRIO: Because, with my own eyes, I’ve seen her sister here.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Have you met her?

PALAESTRIO: I have met her.

PYRGOPOLINICES: And did she seem a brisk wench?

PALAESTRIO: You are wishing to have everything.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Where did the sister say her mother was?

PALAESTRIO: The captain that brought them told me that she was in bed, on board the ship, with sore and inflamed eyes.

This captain of the ship is lodging with them next door.

PYRGOPOLINICES: And he, too, is he a very fine fellow?

PALAESTRIO: Away with you, if you please. What have you to do with him? You have your hands quite full enough with the women. Attend to this for the present.

PYRGOPOLINICES: As to that advice you were giving me,

I wish you to have a few words with her upon that subject. For, really, a conversation on that subject with her is more becoming for you.

PALAESTRIO: What is more advisable than for you to go yourself, and transact your own concerns? You must say that it is absolutely necessary for you to marry: that your relations are persuading, your friends are urging, you.

PYRGOPOLINICES: And do you think so?

PALAESTRIO: Why shouldn’t I think so?

PYRGOPOLINICES: I’ll go in, then. Do you, in the mean time, keep watch here before the house, that when the other woman comes out you may call me out.

PALAESTRIO: Do you only mind the business that you are upon.

PYRGOPOLINICES: That, indeed, is resolved upon. For if she will not go out of her own accord, I’ll turn her out by force.

PALAESTRIO: Do you take care how you do that; but rather let her go from your house with a good grace, and give her those things that I mentioned. The gold trinkets and apparel, with which you furnished her, let her take away.

PYRGOPOLINICES: By my troth, I wish she would.

PALAESTRIO: I think you’ll easily prevail upon her. But go indoors; don’t linger here.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I obey you.

(Goes into his house.)

PALAESTRIO: (to the AUDIENCE.) Now, does he really appear to be anything different from what, awhile ago, I told you he was, this wenching Captain? Now it is requisite that Acroteleutium should come to me, her maid too, and Pleusicles. O Jupiter! and does not opportunity favour me in every respect?

For those whom I especially wished to see, I perceive at this moment coming out here from our neighbour’s.

(Enter ACROTELEUTIUM, MILPHIDIPPA, and PLEUSICLES from the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.)

ACROTELEUTIUM: Follow me; at the same time look around, that there may be no overlooker.

MILPHIDIPPA: Faith, I see no one, only him whom we want to meet.

PALAESTRIO: Just as I want you.

MILPHIDIPPA: How do you do, our master-plotter?

PALAESTRIO: I, the master-plotter? Nonsense.

MILPHIDIPPA: How so?

PALAESTRIO: Because, in comparison with yourself, I am not worthy to fix a beam in a wall.

ACROTELEUTIUM: Aye, indeed so.

PALAESTRIO: She’s a very fluent and a very clever hand at mischief. How charmingly she did polish off the Captain.

MILPHIDIPPA: But still, not enough.

PALAESTRIO: Be of good courage all the business is now prospering under our hands. Only do you, as you have begun, still give a helping hand;

for the Captain himself has gone in-doors, to entreat his mistress to leave his house, with her mother and sister, for Athens.

PLEUSICLES: Very good—well done.

PALAESTRIO: Besides, all the gold trinkets and apparel which he himself has provided for the damsel, he gives her to keep as a present for herself—so have I recommended him.

PLEUSICLES: Really, it’s easily done, if both she wishes it, and he desires it as well.

PALAESTRIO: Don’t you know that when, from a deep well, you have ascended up to the top, there is the greatest danger lest you should thence fall back again from the top. This affair is now being carried on at the top of the well. If the Captain should have a suspicion of it, nothing whatever of his will be able to be carried off. Now, most especially, we have need of clever contrivances.

PLEUSICLES: I see that there is material enough at home for that purpose— three women, yourself the fourth, I am the fifth, the old gentleman the sixth.

PALAESTRIO: What an edifice of stratagems has been erected by us! I know for certain. that any town seems as though it could be taken by these plans: only do you lend your assistance.

ACROTELEUTIUM: For that purpose are we come to you, to see if you wish for anything.

PALAESTRIO: You do what’s à propos. Now to you do I assign this department.

ACROTELEUTIUM: General, you shall assign me whatever you please, so far as I am capable.

PALAESTRIO: I wish this Captain to be played off cleverly and adroitly.

ACROTELEUTIUM: I’ faith, you’re assigning me what’s a pleasure to me.

PALAESTRIO: But do you understand how?

ACROTELEUTIUM: You mean that I must pretend that I am distracted with love for him.

PALAESTRIO: Right—you have it.

ACROTELEUTIUM: And as though by reason of that love I had foregone my present marriage, longing for a match with him.

PALAESTRIO: Everything exactly in its due order; except only this one point; you must say that this house (pointing to the house of PERIPLECOMENUS) was your marriage-portion; that the old man had departed hence from you after you had carried out the divorce, lest he should be afraid just now to come here into the house of another man.

ACROTELEUTIUM: You advise me well.

PALAESTRIO: But when he comes out from in-doors, I wish you—standing at a distance there— so to make pretence, as though in comparison with his beauty you despised your own, and as though you were struck with awe at his opulent circumstances; at the same time, too, praise the comeliness of his person, the beauty of his face. Are you tutored enough?

ACROTELEUTIUM: I understand it all. Is it enough that I give you my work so nicely finished off that you cannot find a fault with it.

PALAESTRIO: I’m content. Now (addressing PLEUSICLES), in your turn, learn what charge I shall give to you. So soon as this shall be done, when she shall have gone in, then do you immediately take care to come here dressed in the garb of a master of a ship. Have on a broad-brimmed hat of iron-grey, a woollen shade before your eyes; have on an iron-grey cloak (for that is the seaman’s colour);

have it fastened over the left shoulder, your right arm projecting out, your clothes some way well girded up, pretend as though you are some master of a ship. And all these requisites are at the house of this old gentleman, for he keeps fishermen.

PLEUSICLES: Well, when I’m dressed out, why don’t you tell me what I’m to do then?

PALAESTRIO: Come here, and, in the name of her mother, bring word to Philocomasium, that, if she would return to Athens, she must go with you to the harbour directly, and that she must order it to be carried down to the ship if she wishes anything to be put on board; that if she doesn’t go, you must weigh anchor, for the wind is favourable.

PLEUSICLES: I like your plan much: do proceed.

PALAESTRIO: The Captain will at once advise her to go speedily that she may not delay her mother.

PLEUSICLES: Every way you are clever.

PALAESTRIO: I shall tell him that she asks for me as a helper to carry her baggage down to the harbour. I shall go, and, understand you, I shall immediately be off with you straight to Athens.

PLEUSICLES: And when you have reached there, I’ll never let you be ashore three days before you’re free.

PALAESTRIO: Be off speedily and equip yourself.

PLEUSICLES: Is there anything besides?

PALAESTRIO: Only to remember all this.

PLEUSICLES: I’m off.

(Exit.)

PALAESTRIO: And do you (to ACROTELEUTIUM and MILPHIDIPPA) be off hence in-doors this instant, for I’m quite sure that he’ll just now be coming out hence from in-doors.

ACROTELEUTIUM: With us your command is as good as law.

PALAESTRIO: Come, then, begone. But see, the door opens opportunely.

(The women go into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.)

(Enter PYRGOPOLINICES from his house.)

PYRGOPOLINICES: What I wished I have obtained just as I wished, on kind and friendly terms, that she would leave me.

PALAESTRIO: For what reason am I to say that you have been so long in-doors?

PYRGOPOLINICES: I never was so sensible that I was beloved by that woman as now.

PALAESTRIO: Why so?

PYRGOPOLINICES: How many words she did utter! How the matter was protracted! But in the end I obtained what I wanted, and I granted her what she wanted and what she asked of me. I made a present of you also to her.

PALAESTRIO: What—me, too? In what way shall I exist without you?

PYRGOPOLINICES: Come, be of good heart; I’ll make you free from exit, too. But I used all endeavours, if I could by any method persuade her to go away, and not take you with her, she forced me, however.

PALAESTRIO: In the Gods and yourself I’ll place my trust. Yet, at the last, although it is bitter to me that I must be deprived of an excellent master, yourself, at least it is a pleasure to me that, through my means, by reason of the excellence of your beauty, this has happened to you with regard to this lady neighbour, whom I am now introducing to you.

PYRGOPOLINICES: What need of words? I’ll give you liberty and wealth if you obtain her for me.

PALAESTRIO: I’ll win her.

PYRGOPOLINICES: But I’m impatient.

PALAESTRIO: But moderation is requisite;

curb your desires; don’t be over anxious. But see, here she is herself; she is coming out of doors.

(Enter ACROTELEUTIUM and MILPHIDIPPA from the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.)

MILPHIDIPPA: (in a low voice.) Mistress, see! the Captain’s near.

ACROTELEUTIUM: (in a low voice.) Where is he?

MILPHIDIPPA: Only look to the left.

Eye him askance, that he mayn’t perceive that we are looking at him.

ACROTELEUTIUM: I see him. Troth, now’s the time, in our mischief, for us to become supremely mischievous.

MILPHIDIPPA: ’Tis for you to begin.

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) Prithee, did you see him yourself?

(Aside.) don’t spare your voice, so that he may hear.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) By my troth, I talked with his own self, at my ease, as long as I pleased, at my leisure, at my own discretion, just as I wished.

PYRGOPOLINICES: (to PALAESTRIO.) Do you hear what she says?

PALAESTRIO: (to PYRGOPOLINICES.) I hear. How delighted she is because she had access to you.

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) O happy woman that you are!

PYRGOPOLINICES: How I do seem to be loved!

PALAESTRIO: You are deserving of it.

MILPHIDIPPA ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) By my troth,’tis passing strange what you say, that you had access to him and prevailed. They say that he is usually addressed, like a king, through letters or messengers.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) But, i’ faith,’twas with difficulty I had an opportunity of approaching and beseeching him.

PALAESTRIO: (to PYRGOPOLINICES.) How renowned you are among the fair.

PYRGOPOLINICES: (to PALAESTRIO.) I shall submit, since Venus wills it so.

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) By heavens! I return to Venus grateful thanks, and her I do beseech and entreat, that I may win him whom I love and whom I seek to win, and that to me he may prove gentle, and not make a difficulty about what I desire.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) I hope it may be so; although many ladies are seeking to win him for themselves, he disdains them and estranges himself from all but you alone.

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) Therefore this fear torments me, since he is so disdainful, lest his eyes, when he beholds me, should change his sentiments, and his own gracefulness should at once disdain my form.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) He will not do so; be of good heart.

PYRGOPOLINICES: (to PALAESTRIO.) How she does slight herself!

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) I fear lest your account may have surpassed my looks.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) I’ve taken care of this, that you shall be fairer than his expectations.

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) Troth, if he shall refuse to take me as his wife, by heavens I’ll embrace his knees and entreat him! If I shall be unable to prevail on him, in some way or other, I’ll put myself to death. I’m quite sure that without him I cannot live.

PYRGOPOLINICES: (to PALAESTRIO.) I see that I must prevent this woman’s death. Shall I accost her?

PALAESTRIO: By no means; for you will be making yourself cheap if you lavish yourself away of your own accord. Let her come spontaneously, seek you, court you, strive to win you.

Unless you wish to lose that glory which you have, please have a care what you do. For I know that this was never the lot of any mortal, except two persons, yourself and Phaon of Lesbos, to be loved so desperately.

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) I’ll go in-doors —or, my dear Milphidippa, do you call him out of doors.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) Aye; let’s wait until some one comes out.

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) I can’t restrain myself from going in to him.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) The door’s fastened.

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) I’ll break it in then.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) You are not in your senses.

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) If he has ever loved, or if he has wisdom equal to his beauty, whatever I may do through love, he will pardon me by reason of his compassionate feelings.

PALAESTRIO: (to PYRGOPOLINICES.) Prithee, do see, how distracted the poor thing is with love.

PYRGOPOLINICES: (to PALAESTRIO.) ’Tis mutual in us.

PALAESTRIO: Hush! don’t you let her hear.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) Why do you stand stupefied? Why don’t you knock?

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) Because he is not within whom I want.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) How do you know?

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) By my troth, I do know it easily; for my nose would scent him if he were within.

PYRGOPOLINICES: (to PALAESTRIO.) She is a diviner.

Because she is in love with me, Venus has made her prophesy.

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) He is somewhere or other close at hand whom I do so long to behold. I’m sure I smell him.

PYRGOPOLINICES: (to PALAESTRIO.) Troth, now, she really sees better with her nose than with her eyes.

PALAESTRIO: (to PYRGOPOLINICES.) She is blind from love.

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) Prithee, do support me.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) Why?

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) Lest I should fall.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) Why?

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) Because I cannot stand; my senses—my senses are sinking so by reason of my eyes.

MILPHIDIPPA:

(aloud.) Heavens! you’ve seen the Captain.

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) I have.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) I don’t see him. Where is he?

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) Troth, you would see him if you were in tove.

MILPHIDIPPA: (aloud.) I’ faith, you don’t love him more than I do myself, with your good leave.

PALAESTRIO: (to PYRGOPOLINICES.) No doubt all of the women, as soon as each has seen you, are in love with you.

PYRGOPOLINICES:

(to PALAESTRIO.) I don’t know whether you have heard it from me or not; I’m the grandson of Venus.

ACROTELEUTIUM: (aloud.) My dear Milphidippa, prithee do approach and accost him.

PYRGOPOLINICES: (to PALAESTRIO.) How she does stand in awe of me!

PALAESTRIO: (to PYRGOPOLINICES.) She is coming towards us.

MILPHIDIPPA: (advancing.) I wish to speak with you.

PYRGOPOLINICES: And we with you.

MILPHIDIPPA: I have brought my mistress out of the house, as you requested me.

PYRGOPOLINICES: So I see.

MILPHIDIPPA: Request her, then, to approach.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Since you have entreated it, I have prevailed upon my mind not to detest her just like other women.

MILPHIDIPPA: I’ faith she wouldn’t be able to utter a word if she were to come near you; while she was looking at you, her eyes have in the meantime tied her tongue.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I see that this woman’s disorder must be cured.

MILPHIDIPPA: See how terrified she is since she beheld you.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Even armed men are the same; don’t wonder at a woman being so. But what does she wish me to do?

MILPHIDIPPA: You to come to her house; she wishes to live and to pass her life with you.

PYRGOPOLINICES: What!—I come home to her, when she is a married woman? Her husband is to be stood in fear of.

MILPHIDIPPA: Why,—for your sake, she has turned her husband out of her house.

PYRGOPOLINICES: How? How could she do so?

MILPHIDIPPA: The house was her marriage-portion.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Was it so?

MILPHIDIPPA: It was so, on my word.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Bid her go home; I’ll be there just now.

MILPHIDIPPA: Take care, and don’t keep her in expectation; don’t torment her feelings.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Not I, indeed. Do you go then.

MILPHIDIPPA: We are going. (ACROTELEUTIUM and MILPHIDIPPA go into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.)

PYRGOPOLINICES: But what do I see?

PALAESTRIO: What do you see?

PYRGOPOLINICES: See there, some one is coming, I know not who, but in a sailor’s dress.

PALAESTRIO: He is surely wanting us, now; really, it is the shipmaster.

PYRGOPOLINICES: He’s come, I suppose, to fetch her.

PALAESTRIO: I fancy so.

(Enter PLEUSICLES, at a distance, in a Sailor’s dress.)

PLEUSICLES: (to himself.) Did I not know that another man in other ways has done many a thing unbecomingly on account of love, I should be more ashamed by reason of love for me to be going in this garb. But since I have learned that many persons by reason of love have committed many actions, disgraceful and estranged from what is good, for I pass by how Achilles suffered his comrades to be slain—

But there’s Palaestrio, he’s standing with the Captain. My talk must now be changed for another kind. Woman is surely born of tardiness itself. For every other delay, which is a delay just as much, seems a less delay than that which is on account of a woman.

I really think that this is done merely from habit. But I shall call for this Philocomasium. I’ll knock at the door then. Hallo! is there any one here?

(Knocks at the CAPTAIN’S door.)

PALAESTRIO: Young man—what is it? What do you want? Why are you knocking?

PLEUSICLES: I’m come to inquire for Philocomasium; I’m come from her mother. If she’s for going, let her set off.

She is delaying us all; we wish to weigh anchor.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Her things have been some time in readiness. Hearkye, Palaestrio, take some assistants with you to carry to the ship her golden trinkets, her furniture, apparel, all her precious things. All the articles are already packed up which I gave her.

PALAESTRIO: I’ll go.

(Goes into the house.)

PLEUSICLES: Troth now, prithee, do make haste.

PYRGOPOLINICES: There shall be no delay. Pray, what is it that has been done with your eye?

PLEUSICLES: Troth, hut I have my eye. (Points to the right one.)

PYRGOPOLINICES: But the left one I mean.

PLEUSICLES: I’ll tell you. On account of the sea, I use this eye less; but if I kept away from the sea, I should use the one like the other.

But they are detaining me too long.

PYRGOPOLINICES: See, here they are coming out.

(Enter PALAESTRIO and PHILOCOMASIUM from the CAPTAIN’S house.)

PALAESTRIO: (to PHILOCOMASIUM.) Prithee, when will you this day make an end of your weeping?

PHILOCOMASIUM: What can I do but weep? I am going away hence where I have spent my days most happily.

PALAESTRIO: See, there’s the man that has come from your mother and sister.

(pointing to PLEUSICLES.)

PHILOCOMASIUM: I see him.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Palaestrio, do you hear?

PALAESTRIO: What is your pleasure?

PYRGOPOLINICES: Aren’t you ordering those presents to be brought out which I gave her?

PLEUSICLES: Health to you, Philocomasium.

PHILOCOMASIUM: And health to you.

PLEUSICLES: Your mother and sister bade me give their love to you.

PHILOCOMASIUM: Heaven prosper them.

PLEUSICLES: They beg you to set out, so that, while the wind is fair, they may set sail. But if your mother’s eyes had been well, she would have come together with me.

PHILOCOMASIUM: I’ll go; although I do it with regret—duty compels me.

PLEUSICLES: You act wisely.

PYRGOPOLINICES: If she had not been passing her life with myself, this day she would have been a blockhead.

PHILOCOMASIUM: I am distracted at this, that I am estranged from such a man. For you are able to make any woman what-ever abound in wit; and because I was living with you, for that reason I was of a very lofty spirit. I see that I must lose that loftiness of mind.

(Pretends to cry.)

PYRGOPOLINICES: Don’t weep.

PHILOCOMASIUM: I can’t help it when I look upon you.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Be of good courage.

PHILOCOMASIUM: I know what pain it is to me.

PALAESTRIO: I really don’t wonder now, Philocomasium, if you were here with happiness to yourself, when I, a servant—as I look at him, weep because we are parting (pretends to cry), so much have his beauty, his manners, his valour, captivated your feelings.

PHILOCOMASIUM: Prithee, do let me embrace you before I depart?

PYRGOPOLINICES: By all means

PHILOCOMASIUM: (embracing him.) O my eyes! O my life!

PALAESTRIO: Do hold up the woman, I entreat you, lest she should fall.

(He takes hold of her, and she pretends to faint.)

PYRGOPOLINICES: What means this?

PALAESTRIO: Because, after she had quitted you, she suddenly became faint, poor thing.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Run in and fetch some water.

PALAESTRIO: I want no water; but I had rather you would keep at a distance. Prithee, don’t you interfere till she comes to.

PYRGOPOLINICES: (observing PLEUSICLES, who is holding PHILOCOMASIUM in his arm.) They have their heads too closely in contact between them;

I don’t like it; he is soldering his lips to hers. What the plague are you about?

PLEUSICLES: I was trying whether she was breathing or not.

PYRGOPOLINICES: You ought to have applied your ear then.

PLEUSICLES: If you had rather, I’ll let her go.

PYRGOPOLINICES: No, I don’t care; do you support her.

PALAESTRIO: To my misery, I’m quite distracted.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Go and bring here from in-doors all the things that I have given her.

PALAESTRIO: And even now, household God, do I salute thee before I depart;

my fellow-servants, both male and female, all farewell, and happy may you live; prithee, though absent, among yourselves bestow your blessings upon me as well.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Come, Palaestrio, be of good courage.

PALAESTRIO: Alas! alas! I cannot but weep since from you I must depart.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Bear it with patience.

PHILOCOMASIUM: (feigning to recover.) Ha! how’s this? What means it? Hail, O light!

PLEUSICLES: Are you recovered now?

PHILOCOMASIUM: Prithee, what person am I embracing? I’m undone. Am I myself?

PLEUSICLES: (in a low voice.) Fear not, my delight.

PYRGOPOLINICES: What means all this?

PALAESTRIO: Just now she swooned away here. I fear and dread that this at last may take place too openly.

PYRGOPOLINICES: What is that you say?

PALAESTRIO: I fear that some one may turn it to your discredit, while all these things are being carried after us through the city.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I have given away my own property, and not theirs. I care but little for other people. Be off then, go with the blessing of the Gods.

PALAESTRIO: ’Tis for your sake I say it.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I believe you.

PALAESTRIO: And now farewell!

PYRGOPOLINICES: And heartily farewell to you!

PALAESTRIO: (to PLEUSICLES and PHILOCOMASIUM as they leave.) Go you quickly on; I’ll overtake you directly; I wish to speak a few words with my master. (To PYRGOPOLINICES.) Although you have ever deemed others more faithful to yourself than me, still do I owe you many thanks for all things; and if such were your feelings, I would rather be a slave to you by far than be the freedman of another.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Be of good courage.

PALAESTRIO: Ah me! When it comes in my mind, how my manners must be changed, how womanish manners must be learnt, and the military ones forgotten!

PYRGOPOLINICES: Take care and be honest.

PALAESTRIO: I can be so no longer; I have lost all inclination.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Go, follow them; don’t linger.

PALAESTRIO: Fare you right well.

PYRGOPOLINICES: And heartily fare you well.

PALAESTRIO: Prithee, do remember me; if perchance I should happen to be made free, I’ll send the news to you; don’t you forsake me.

PYRGOPOLINICES: That is not my habit.

PALAESTRIO: Consider every now and then how faithful I have been to you.

If you do that, then at last you’ll know who is honest towards you and who dishonest.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I know it; I have often found that true, as well before as to-day in especial.

PALAESTRIO: Do you know it? Aye, and this day I’ll make you hereafter say still more how true it is.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I can hardly refrain from bidding you to stay.

PALAESTRIO: Take you care how you do that. They may say that you are a liar and not truthful, that you have no honor;

they may say that no one of your slaves is trustworthy except my-self. If, indeed, I thought you could do it with honor, I should advise you. But it cannot be; take care how you do so.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Be off;

I’ll be content then, whatever happens.

PALAESTRIO: Then, fare you well.

PYRGOPOLINICES: ’Twere better you should go with a good heart.

PALAESTRIO: Still, once more, farewell.

(Exit.)

PYRGOPOLINICES: Before this affair, I had always thought that he was a most rascally servant;

still, I find that he is faithful to me. When I consider with myself, I have done unwisely in parting with him. I’ll go hence at once now to my love here: the door, too, I perceive, makes a noise there.

(Enter a BOY from the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.)

A BOY.: (to some one within.) Don’t you be advising me; I remember my duty; this moment I’ll find him. Wherever on earth he may chance to be,

I’ll search him out; I’ll not be sparing of my pains.

PYRGOPOLINICES: ’Tis I he is looking for, I’ll go and meet this boy.

A BOY.: O, I’m looking for you; save you, dearest sir, one loaded by opportunity with her gifts, and whom before all others two Divinities do favour.

PYRGOPOLINICES: What two?

A BOY.: Mars and Venus.

PYRGOPOLINICES: A sprightly boy.

A BOY.: She entreats that you will go in; she wishes—she longs for you, and while expecting you, she’s dying for you. Do succour one in love. Why do you stay? Why don’t you go in?

PYRGOPOLINICES: Well, I’ll go.

(Enters the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.)

A BOY.: There has he entangled himself at once in the toils. The snare is prepared: the old gentleman is standing at his post to attack the letcher, who is so boastful of his good looks; who thinks that, whatever woman sees him, all are in love with him; whom all, both men and women, detest. Now I will on to the uproar; I hear a tumult within.