Chapter 3

(Enter AGORASTOCLES, and several ASSISTANTS walking behind him.)

AGORASTOCLES: So may the Deities love me, there’s nothing more annoying than a tardy friend, especially to a man in love, who’s in a hurry in everything that he does; just as I’m leading on these assistants, fellows of most crawling step; they are more slow than merchant-ships in a calm sea. And upon my faith, I really did on purpose wave my aged friends; I knew they were too slow through their years; I apprehended delay to my passion;

in vain I selected for myself these young fellows on their preferment, timber-legged, most tardy chaps. Well (turning round to them.) if you are going to come to-day, get on, or get off hence to utter perdition! Is this the way it befits friends to give their assistance to a person in love? Why sure, this pace was bolted through a fine floursieve; unless you have been practising in fetters to creep along thus with this step.

ADVOCATI: Hark you! although we seem to you of the commonalty and poor, if you don’t speak us fair, you rich man of highest rank, we are in the habit of boldly playing the mischief with the rich man; we are under no engagement to you, about what it is that you love or hate. When we paid money for our freedom, we paid our own, not yours;

it’s right that we should be under no restraint. We value you at nought; don’t you fancy that we’ve been made over as slaves to your passion. It’s proper for free men to go through the city at a moderate pace; I deem it like a slave to be running along in a bustle. Especially when the state is at peace and the enemies are slain, it is not decent to make a tumult. But if you were for making greater haste, you ought to have brought us here as assistants the day before. Don’t you fancy it—not any one of us will this day be running through the streets, nor yet shall the people pelt us with stones for madmen.

AGORASTOCLES: But if I had said that I was taking you to a Temple to breakfast, you would have surpassed a stag in speed, or a man on stilts in your steps. Now, because I have said that I am taking you as my assistants and witnesses, you are gouty, and in the slowness of your pace have been outdoing the snail.

ADVOCATI: Why, really, is there not good cause for running swiftly, where you are to drink and eat at another man’s expense as much as you please, until you are full, what you need never return against your will to your host, at whose expense you have been eating? But still,in some way or other, although we are poor men, we have at home something to eat; don’t you browbeat us in such a contemptuous way. Whatever that very little is, that little of ours is all at home; we neither dun any one ourselves, nor does any one dun us.

Not one of us is going to burst the veins of his lungs for your sake.

AGORASTOCLES: You are too warm; really, I said this to you in joke.

ADVOCATI: Consider it said in joke as well what we have said to you in answer.

AGORASTOCLES: Troth now, prithee, do give me this aid of yours like a fly-boat, not a merchant-ship. Do hobble along at least, for I do not ask you to hurry.

ADVOCATI: If you wish to do anything quietly and leisurely, we lend our aid; if you are in a hurry, it would be better for you to hire runners as your assistants.

AGORASTOCLES: You understand (the matter I’ve informed you of), that I have need of your assistance with regard to this Procurer, who has so long trifled with me in my amour; that a scheme is to be planned against him about the gold and. my servant.

ADVOCATI: All that we know already, if these Spectators know. For the sake of these Spectators it is that this Play is now being acted.’Twere better for you to inform them, that when you do anything, they may know what it is you are doing. Don’t you trouble about us; we know the whole matter; since we all learnt it together in company with yourself, so that we can answer you.

AGORASTOCLES: Such really is the fact; but come, that I may be sure then that you know it, repeat the matter at length, and tell me what I told you just now.

ADVOCATI: Are you trying in this way whether we know? Do you suppose we don’t remember how you have given three hundred Philippeans to Collybiscus your bailiff, for him to bring here to the Procurer, your enemy, and to pretend that he is a foreigner from a distance, from another city? When he has brought them, you’ll go there to seek your servant together with the money.

AGORASTOCLES: You remember it by heart; you have saved me.

ADVOCATI: He’ll be for denying it; he’ll suppose your Milphio is being looked for. He’ll have to pay double all the money stolen; the Procurer will be adjudged to you.

In this matter you wish us to be your witnesses.

AGORASTOCLES: You’ve got the matter fast.

ADVOCATI: I’ faith, hardly with the tips of our fingers, indeed; it is so very small a one.

AGORASTOCLES: This must be done quickly and with expedition. Make as much haste, then, as you can.

ADVOCATI: (moving as though going.) Kindly fare you well, then; it’s better for you to provide some active assistants, we are but slow ones.

AGORASTOCLES: You move very well. (Aside.) But very badly do you speak me, faith.

(Aloud.) Moreover, I could wish your thighs to fall down into your ankles.

ADVOCATI: And, i’ faith, we that your tongue had fallen into your loins, and your eyes upon the ground.

AGORASTOCLES: Heyday! it’s not for you to be angry at what I said in joke.

ADVOCATI: Nor for you, indeed, to be speaking ill to your friends in joke.

AGORASTOCLES: Drop this. What I want to do, you understand.

ADVOCATI: We know full well:

to undo the perjured Procurer, it’s that you wish.

AGORASTOCLES: You’ve got the matter right. See, Milphio and the bailiff are opportunely coming out together. He’s coming rigged out like a nobleman, and appropriately, for the plot.

(Enter MILPHIO and COLLYBISCUS, from the house of AGORASTOCLES, dressed as a person of quality.)

MILPHIO: Have you now got your instructions by heart?

COLLYBISCUS: Nicely.

MILPHIO: Take care you understand them, please.

COLLYBISCUS: What need is there of talking? I won’t let my own legs understand as well.

MILPHIO: Only take you care that your speeches are learnt by heart for this plot.

COLLYBISCUS: Why, upon my faith, I am more perfect than tragic or comic actors are.

MILPHIO: You are a capital fellow.

AGORASTOCLES: (to the ASSISTANTS.) Let’s go nearer to them.

(Accosting MILPHIO and COLLYBISCUS.) Here are the witnesses.

MILPHIO: (to AGORASTOCLES.) Really you could not have brought as many men better suited for this purpose; for not one of them is tongue-tied as a witness; they are genuine men of the law-courts;

there they take up their abode; there you may see them more frequently than the Praetor. At this very time there are no better cookers-up of a lawsuit, to stir up litigation, than are these men; for they, if there is no litigation, sow litigation.

ADVOCATI: May the Gods confound you!

MILPHIO: You I really do commend, inasmuch as, whoever you are, still you act both worthily and kindly in giving your aid to my master thus in love.

(To AGORASTOCLES.) But do they now know what the business is?

AGORASTOCLES: The whole matter, all in its order.

MILPHIO: In that case, do you, then, give me your attention. Do you know this Procurer Lycus?

ADVOCATI: Perfectly.

COLLYBISCUS: But, upon my faith, I don’t know him, of what appearance he is. I wish that you would point this fellow out to me.

ADVOCATI: We’ll take all care: we’ve been instructed quite enough.

AGORASTOCLES: (pointing to COLLYBISCUS.) He has got three hundred pieces counted out.

ADVOCATI: Then it’s right, Agorastocles, that we should see this gold, that we may know what to say by-and-by as our testimony.

AGORASTOCLES: Come and look at it. (Opens the bag which COLLYBISCUS holds in his hand.

COLLYBISCUS: (to the AUDIENCE.) Undoubtedly it’s gold, Spectators—playhouse gold; upon this, soaked in water, in foreign lands, the cattle become fat: but, for the carrying out of this design,’tis real Philippean gold.

ADVOCATI: We’ll make believe it is so.

COLLYBISCUS: But do you make believe as though I were a foreigner.

ADVOCATI: Just so; and, in fact, as though you, on your arrival to-day, had asked us to show you a spot for freedom and pleasure; where you might wench, drink, and live like a Greek.

MILPHIO: Dear me! Crafty fellows, upon my faith!

AGORASTOCLES: But it was I who instructed them.

MILPHIO: And who you, in your turn?

COLLYBISCUS: Come, be of’ in-doors, Agorastocles, lest the Procurer should see you together with me, and some accident might befall our plan.

MILPHIO: This person is extremely prudent. (To AGORASTOCLES.) Do as he bids you.

AGORASTOCLES: Let’s be off. (To the ASSISTANTS.) But you— has enough been said?

COLLYBISCUS: Do you be off.

AGORASTOCLES: I’m off.

Immortal Gods, I beg—

COLLYBISCUS: Nay, but why don’t you be off?

AGORASTOCLES: I’m off.

COLLYBISCUS: You do wisely. (AGORASTOCLES and MILPHIO go into the house.)

Hush! be quiet.

ADVOCATI: What’s the matter?

COLLYBISCUS: This door (pointing to the door of the house of LYCUS) was guilty of a great indecency just now.

ADVOCATI: What indecency is that?

COLLYBISCUS: It rumbled aloud.

ADVOCATI: May the Deities confound you! Get you behind us.

COLLYBISCUS: Be it so. (Goes behind them.)

ADVOCATI: We’ll walk first.

COLLYBISCUS: (aside.) They do what town-fellows are in the habit of doing: they put worthy men behind themselves.

ADVOCATI: (pointing to the PROCURER’S house.) That man that’s coming out is the Procurer.

COLLYBISCUS: He’s a real good one; for he’s like a bad man. Even now, as he comes forth, I’ll suck out his blood at this distance.

(Enter LYCUS, from his house.)

LYCUS: (speaking to ANTHEMONIDES, within.) I’ll return here this moment, Captain. I wish to find us some fitting guests, to join us. Meanwhile, they’ll bring the entrails; and at the same time, the women, I suppose, will soon be making their appearance at home after the sacrifice. But why are such a number of people coming this way? I wonder what they are bringing?

He, too, in the scarf, that’s following at a distance, who is he, I wonder? He is not an Aetolian.

ADVOCATI: We greet you, Lycus. Although against our will, we give you this salutation, and although in a very moderate degree do we entertain good wishes for procurers.

LYCUS: May you all be fortunate—a thing that I know for certain you neither will be, nor will Fortune permit it so to be.

ADVOCATI: That is a treasure hoarded in the tongues of fools, to deem it gainful to speak amiss to their superiors.

LYCUS: He who knows not the road by which to arrive at the sea, him it befits to seek a river as his own companion. I know not the way of speaking abusively to you.

Now you are the rivers to me; you I’m resolved to follow. If you speak blessings, along your banks I’ll follow you; if you utter curses, along your track I’ll go.

ADVOCATI: To do good to the bad is a danger just as great as to do bad to the good.

LYCUS: But why?

ADVOCATI: You shall learn.

If you do any good to the bad, the benefit is lost: if you do any bad to the good, it lasts for a length of time.

LYCUS: Cleverly said! But what does that matter to me?

ADVOCATI: Because for the sake of your own well-doing we came hither, although in a very moderate degree do we entertain good wishes for procurers.

LYCUS: If you bring anything that’s good, I give you thanks.

ADVOCATI: Of our own, we neither bring nor give you anything that’s good, nor do we promise you, nor, in fact, do we wish to give it.

LYCUS: I’ faith, I do believe yon; such is your kindly feeling. But what now do you wish?

ADVOCATI: (pointing to COLLYBISCUS) This person in the scarf, whom you see, with him Mars is angered.

COLLYBISCUS: (aside, to himself.) May he be so indeed with your own heads!

ADVOCATI: We are now bringing him here, Lycus, to you, for tearing asunder.

COLLYBISCUS: (aside, to himself.) This huntsman, myself, will be going home to-day with some spoil; the dogs are cleverly driving Lycus into the toils.

LYCUS: Who is this person?

ADVOCATI: We really don’t know who he is, except that some time since, after daybreak, when we went down to the harbour, at the same moment we saw him landing from a merchant-ship. Disembarking, he came up to us at once—he saluted us; we answered him.

COLLYBISCUS: (aside.) The artful fellows! how cleverly they do enter upon the plot!

LYCUS: What after that?

ADVOCATI: Then he joined in discourse with us: he said that he was a foreigner, unacquainted with this city: that he wanted a convenient place to be found here, for him to indulge his appetite. We brought the man to you; if the Gods are favourable to you, it’s an opportunity for you to ply your trade.

LYCUS: Is he eager to that degree?

ADVOCATI: He has got gold.

LYCUS: (aside.) That booty is mine.

ADVOCATI: He wishes to drink and wench.

LYCUS: I’ll find him a nice place.

ADVOCATI: But still he wants to be quite private, in a quiet way, that no persons may know it, and that there may be no overlookers; for he has been a soldier in Sparta, as, indeed, he himself has told us, with King Attalus;

from there he fled hither, when the town was surrendered.

COLLYBISCUS: (aside.) Very clever that, about the soldier! about Sparta, most capital!

LYCUS: (in a low voice.) May the Gods and Goddesses bestow many blessings on you, for having given me kindly information, and finding me a choice prey.

ADVOCATI: Aye, and, as he himself has told us, that you may receive him the better, he has brought three hundred Philippean pieces as a provision.

LYCUS: I’m a king if I can to-day entice this man to my house.

ADVOCATI: Nay but, he really is your own.

LYCUS: By my troth, prithee, do persuade him to take up his abode at my house, as the best lodging.

ADVOCATI: It befit us neither to persuade nor to dissuade a person who is a foreigner; you’ll transact your own business, if you are prudent. We have brought the ringdove for you, even to the trapping-ground; now it’s better for yourself to catch him, if you wish him to be caught. (They move as if going.)

LYCUS: Are you going now?

COLLYBISCUS: (to the ASSISTANTS.) What about the matters that I commissioned you upon, strangers?

ADVOCATI: (pointing to LYCUS.) It’s better for you, young sir, to speak to him about your own concerns;

he’s clever in those matters which you are enquiring about.

COLLYBISCUS: (aside.) But, for my part, I could like you to see when I deliver him the gold.

ADVOCATI: (aside.) At a distance there we shall be witnesses of that.

COLLYBISCUS: (to the ASSISTANTS.) You’ve given me kind assistance. (The ASSISTANTS go out of sight.

LYCUS: (aside, so as to be heard.) The profit comes to me.

COLLYBISCUS: (aside, to himself.) Age, just so, indeed, the way that the ass kicks with his heels.

LYCUS: I’ll speak the fellow fairly. (To COLLYBISCUS.) A stranger salutes a stranger; I’m glad that you have arrived in safety.

COLLYBISCUS: May the Deities grant you many blessings, since you wish me well.

LYCUS: They say that you are in search of a lodging.

COLLYBISCUS: I am in search.

LYCUS: So those persons told me, who left me just now, that you are in search of one that is free from flies.

COLLYBISCUS: By no means in the world.

LYCUS: Why so?

COLLYBISCUS: Because if I had been looking for a retreat from the flies, on arriving here I should have straightway gone to gaol. I’m in search of this kind of lodging, where I may be treated more delicately than the eyes of King Antiochus are in the habit of being treated.

LYCUS: Upon my faith, for sure, I can provide you a charming one, if, indeed, you can put up with yourself being in a charming room, on a couch charmingly laid, a charming damsel cuddling you.

COLLYBISCUS: You are in the right road, Procurer.

LYCUS: Where, with Leucadian, Lesbian, Thasian, and Coan wine, toothless with old age, you may soak yourself. There I’ll quite drench you with the effusion of unguents. Why many words? I’ll cause, when you’ve bathed, the bathkeeper to set up unguent-shop there. But (speaking confidentially) all these things that I have mentioned let out their services for pay.

COLLYBISCUS: Why so?

LYCUS: Because they demand ready money.

COLLYBISCUS: Why, upon my faith, you are not more ready to receive than I to give.

LYCUS: Why then follow me in-doors.

COLLYBISCUS: Lead me in-doors, then; you’ve got me devoted to your will. (The ASSISTANTS come forward. LYCUS and COLLYBISCUS go apart.)

ADVOCATI: (among themselves.) What if we call Agorastocles hither out of doors, that he himself may be his own witness, past all exception? (They go to the door of AGORASTOCLES and call out, in a loud whisper. Hallo! you that are to catch the thief, come out quickly, that you yourself may witness him giving the gold to the Procurer.

(Enter AGORASTOCLES, in haste, from his house.)

AGORASTOCLES: What’s the matter? What is it you want, witnesses?

ADVOCATI: Look to the right hand; your servant is paying gold to the Procurer himself.

COLLYBISCUS: (apart to LYCUS.) Come, take this, will you: here are three hundred gold coins, counted out, which are called Philippeans. (Gives him the bay.) With these do you provide for me. I wish these to be spent with all speed.

LYCUS: By my troth, you have found a lavish steward for yourself. Come, let’s away in-doors.

COLLYBISCUS: I follow you.

LYCUS: Well, well, walk on; and then we’ll talk together about the other matters that remain.

COLLYBISCUS: As for me, I’ll tell you about the Spartan affairs.

LYCUS: Why then follow me.

COLLYBISCUS: Lead me in-doors; lead me in, you have got me made over to you. (They go into the house of LYCUS.)

AGORASTOCLES: What do you advise me now?

ADVOCATI: To be moderate.

AGORASTOCLES: What if my feelings will not let me be?

ADVOCATI: Then be as they will let you.

AGORASTOCLES: Did you see it, when the Procurer received the money?

ADVOCATI: We saw it.

AGORASTOCLES: Did you know that he is my slave?

ADVOCATI: We knew it.

AGORASTOCLES: That it is a thing against the reiterated laws of the people?

ADVOCATI: We knew it.

AGORASTOCLES: Well then, all these things I wish you to keep in memory before the Praetor by-and-by, when occasion shall come.

ADVOCATI: We remember them.

AGORASTOCLES: What if, while the matter has so recently happened, I knock at the door?

ADVOCATI: I think you ought.

AGORASTOCLES: If I do knock, he won’t open it.

ADVOCATI: Then break the pannel.

AGORASTOCLES: If the Procurer comes out, do you think I ought to enquire of the fellow whether my slave has come to him or not?

ADVOCATI: Why not?

AGORASTOCLES: With two hundred golden Philippean pieces?

ADVOCATI: Why not?

AGORASTOCLES: Then the Procurer will be going astray at once.

ADVOCATI: About what matter?

AGORASTOCLES: Do you ask? Because a less sum will be named by one hundred pieces.

ADVOCATI: You judge rightly.

AGORASTOCLES: He’ll think that some other person is being looked after.

ADVOCATI: No doubt.

AGORASTOCLES: He’ll be denying it at once.

ADVOCATI: On his oath even.

AGORASTOCLES: The fellow will involve himself in the guilt of theft—

ADVOCATI: Beyond a doubt, it certainly is so.

AGORASTOCLES: Of however much it is that shall have been brough to him.

ADVOCATI: Why not?

AGORASTOCLES: Jupiter confound you!

ADVOCATI: Why not your own self?

AGORASTOCLES: (going towards the door of LYCUS.) I’ll go and knock at this door.

ADVOCATI: Even so. Why not?

AGORASTOCLES: It’s time to be quiet, for the door makes a noise. I see the Procurer Lycus coming out of doors; come this way, pray!

ADVOCATI: Why not? But, if you please, cover up our heads, that the Procurer mayn’t know us, who have been his decoyers into so great a calamity. (He throws the lappets of their garments over their heads.)

(Enter LYCUS, from his house.)

LYCUS: (to himself.) Let all soothsayers go hang themselves now at once. Why should I believe them in future, as to what they say? For they, just now at the sacrifice, told me that evil and the greatest disaster was portended to me.

I have since then amplified my fortune with profit.

AGORASTOCLES: (accosting him.) Save you, Procurer.

LYCUS: May the Gods bless you, Agorastocles.

AGORASTOCLES: You now salute me more kindly than hitherto.

LYCUS: A calm has come, as though to a ship at sea. Just as the wind is, to that quarter is the sail shifted.

AGORASTOCLES: May those ladies be well in your house, to whom I wish it, but to yourself I do not wish it.

LYCUS: They are well, as you desire; not for you, though.

AGORASTOCLES: Send your Adelphasium to my house, to-day, please, upon this celebrated and famous festival, the Aphrodisia.

LYCUS: Have you been breakfasting on a hot breakfast today? Tell me.

AGORASTOCLES: Why so?

LYCUS: Because now you are only cooling your mouth, when you ask me.

AGORASTOCLES: Attend to this, Procurer, will you; I’ve heard that my slave is at your house.

LYCUS: At my house? You’ll find that has never been the fact.

AGORASTOCLES: You lie; for he has come to your house, and carried off some gold there. Word has been brought me to that effect, by persons I fully believe. (Pointing to the ASSISTANTS.)

LYCUS: You are an artful fellow: you’ve come to entrap me with your witnesses. There’s no one of your people in my house, nor anything of yours.

AGORASTOCLES: (turning round to the ASSISTANTS.) Remember that, assistants.

ADVOCATI: We will remember it.

LYCUS: (laughing.) Ha, ha, ha! I now understand how it is, I’ve this instant seen through it.

These persons, who a short time since introduced that Spartan stranger to me, their brain is now fired at it, because I’m going to make a gain of these three hundred Philippean pieces; now, because they knew that this person was an enemy of mine, they have set him on to say that his slave, together with his gold, is in my house. It’s a planned contrivance for them to deprive me of it, and to divide it among themselves. They are wanting to get away the lamb from the wolf. They are wasting their pains.

AGORASTOCLES: What, do you deny that either the gold or my slave is at your house?

LYCUS: I do deny it; and, if it’s of any use, I make myself hoarse with denying it.

ADVOCATI: You are undone, Procurer; for that person whom we told you was a Spartan, is his bailiff; who brought you just now the three hundred Philippean pieces; and that same gold, too, is in his purse.

LYCUS: (shaking his fist at them.) Woe unto you!

ADVOCATI: That, indeed, is close at hand for yourself.

AGORASTOCLES: Come, you hang-dog, give up the purse this instant.

You are clearly a thief; caught by me in the fact. (To the ADVOCATI.) By my troth, I do beg of you, lend me your aid, so as to see me bring my slave out of his house. (He goes into the PROCURER’S house.

LYCUS: I’ faith, I’m now undone for certain, beyond a doubt! This has been done on purpose that a snare might be laid for me. But why do I hesitate to betake me hence to utter perdition, before I’m dragged off to the Praetor by the throat? Alas! what soothsayers I’ve been having for my diviners, who, if they promise anything that’s fair, it comes to pass but slowly; that which they promise as unfortunate, comes directly. Now I’ll be off: I’ll consult my friends in what way— they deem it best in especial for me to hang myself. (Exit.)

(Enter AGORASTOCLES, from the house of LYCUS, driving out COLLYBISCUS.)

AGORASTOCLES: Be off you, get out you, that the witnesses may see you coining out from here. Isn’t this my servant? (To the ASSISTANTS.)

COLLYBISCUS: I’ faith, I really am, Agorastocles.

AGORASTOCLES: How now, villanous Procurer?

ADVOCATI: He, with whom you have the dispute, has made off.

AGORASTOCLES: I hope he’s gone hence to utter perdition.

ADVOCATI: It’s proper that we should wish the same.

AGORASTOCLES: To-morrow I’ll bring my action against the fellow.

COLLYBISCUS: Anything further with me—?

AGORASTOCLES: You may go; put on your own dress.

COLLYBISCUS: It wasn’t for nothing that I turned soldier. I made a little booty in-doors. While the household of the Procurer was asleep, I got myself well filled with the entrails.

I’ll be off from here in-doors.

AGORASTOCLES: (to the ASSISTANTS.) ’Twas kindly done by you. Assistants, you have lent me your good services. To-morrow morning I beg you’ll meet me at the court of justice. (To COLLYBISCUS.) Do you follow me in-doors. (To the ASSISTANTS.) To you, farewell!

ADVOCATI: And you, farewell! (AGORASTOCLES goes into his house, followed by COLLYBISCUS.) This fellow wants a thing that’s notoriously unfair;

he thinks that we are to serve him at our own expense. But such are all these rich people of ours: if you do anything of service, their thanks are lighter than a feather; if there’s any offence, they show vengeance like lead. Let’s now go to our houses, if you like, forthwith, since we’ve effected that for which we lent our services, to ruin this corrupter of our fellow-citizens. (Exeunt.)