Chapter 1

(Enter CALIDORUS and PSEUDOLUS from SIMO’S house.)

PSEUDOLUS: If, master, by your being silent, I could be informed what miseries are afflicting you so sadly,

I would willingly have spared the trouble of two persons—of myself in asking you, and of yourself in answering me. Since, however, that cannot be, necessity compels me to enquire of you. Answer me: What’s the reason that, out of spirits for these many days past, you’ve been carrying a letter about with you, washing it with your tears, and making no person the sharer of your purpose? Speak out, that what I am ignorant of, I may know together with yourself.

CALIDORUS: I am wretchedly miserable, Pseudolus.

PSEUDOLUS: May Jupiter forbid it!

CALIDORUS: This belongs not at all to the arbitration of Jupiter;

under the sway of Venus am I harassed, not under that of Jove.

PSEUDOLUS: Is it allowable for me to know what it is? For hitherto you have had me as chief confidant in your plans.

CALIDORUS: The same is now my intention.

PSEUDOLUS: Let me know then what’s the matter with you. I’ll aid you either with resources, or with my efforts, or with good counsel.

CALIDORUS: Do you take this letter: do you thence inform yourself what misery and what care are wasting me away.

PSEUDOLUS: (taking the letter.) Compliance shall be given you. But, prithee, how’s this?

CALIDORUS: What’s the matter?

PSEUDOLUS: As I think, these letters are very loving; they are climbing on each other’s backs.

CALIDORUS: Are you making sport of me with your foolery?

PSEUDOLUS: I’ faith, I really do believe that unless the Sibyl can read them, nobody else can possibly interpret them.

CALIDORUS: Why speak you unkindly of those sweet letters— sweet tablets too, written upon by a hand as sweet.

PSEUDOLUS: Troth now, have hens, prithee, such hands?

For certainly a hen has written these letters.

CALIDORUS: You are annoying me. Either read it or return the letter.

PSEUDOLUS: Very well then, I’ll read it through. Give me your attention.

CALIDORUS: That’s not here.

PSEUDOLUS: Do you summon it then.

CALIDORUS: Well, I’ll be silent; do you summon it from that wax there; for there my attention is at present, not in my breast.

PSEUDOLUS: I see your mistress, Calidorus.

CALIDORUS: Where is she, prithee?

PSEUDOLUS: See, here she is at full length in the letter; she’s lying upon the wax.

CALIDORUS: Now, may the Gods and Goddesses, inasmuch—

PSEUDOLUS: Preserve me from harm, to wit.

CALIDORUS: For a short season have I been like a summer plant; suddenly have I sprung up, suddenly have I withered.

PSEUDOLUS: Be silent, while I read the letter through.

CALIDORUS: Why don’t you read it then?

PSEUDOLUS: (reading.) Phœnicium to her lover, Calidorus, by means of wax and string and letters, her exponents, sends health, and safety does she beg of you, weeping, and with palpitating feelings, heart, and breast.

CALIDORUS: I’m undone; I nowhere find, Pseudolus, this safety for me to send her back.

PSEUDOLUS: What safety?

CALIDORUS: A silver one.

PSEUDOLUS: And do you wish to send her back a silver safety for one on wood? Consider what you’re about.

CALIDORUS: Read on now; I’ll soon cause you to know from the letter how suddenly there’s need for me for one of silver to be found.

PSEUDOLUS: (reading on.) The procurer has sold me, my love, for twenty minae, to a Macedonian officer from abroad. Before he departed hence, the Captain paid him fifteen minae; only five minae now are remaining unpaid.

On that account the Captain left here a token—his own likeness impressed on wax by his ring—that he who should bring hither a token like to that, together with him the procurer might send me. The next day hence, on the Festival of Bacchus, is the one fixed for this matter.

CALIDORUS: Well, that’s to-morrow;

my ruin is near at hand, unless I have some help in you.

PSEUDOLUS: Let me read it through.

CALIDORUS: I permit you; for I seem to myself to be talking to her. Read on; the sweet and the hitter are you now mingling together for me.

PSEUDOLUS: (reading on.) Now our loves, our tenderness, our intimacy, our mirth, our dalliance, our talking, our sweet kisses, the close embrace of us lovers equally fond, the soft, dear kisses impressed on our tender lips, the delicious pressing of the swelling bosom; of all these delights, I say, for me and for you as well, the severance, the destruction, and the downfal is at hand, unless there is some rescue for me in you or for you in me. I have taken care that you should know all these things that I have written; now shall I make trial how far you love me, and how far you pretend to do so.

CALIDORUS: ’Tis written, Pseudolus, in wretchedness.

PSEUDOLUS: Alas! very wretchedly.

CALIDORUS: Why don’t you weep, then?

PSEUDOLUS: I’ve eyes of pumice stone; I can’t prevail upon them to squeeze out one tear even.

CALIDORUS: Why so?

PSEUDOLUS: My family was always a dryeyed one.

CALIDORUS: Won’t you attempt to assist me at all?

PSEUDOLUS: What shall I do for you?

CALIDORUS: Alas!

PSEUDOLUS: Alas! do you say? Well, don’t be sparing of them, i’ faith; I’ll give you plenty.

CALIDORUS: I’m distracted. I nowhere can find any money to borrow.

PSEUDOLUS: Alas!

CALIDORUS: Nor is there a single coin in the house.

PSEUDOLUS: Alas!

CALIDORUS: He’s going to carry the damsel away to-morrow.

PSEUDOLUS: Alas!

CALIDORUS: Is it in that fashion that you help me?

PSEUDOLUS: I give you that which I have; for I’ve a perpetual supply of those treasures in my house.

CALIDORUS: It’s all over with me this very day. But can you now lend me one drachma, which I’ll pay you back to-morrow

PSEUDOLUS: I’ faith, I hardly think I could, even though I should pawn myself for it. But what do you want to do with this drachma?

CALIDORUS: I want to purchase a halter for myself.

PSEUDOLUS: For what reason?

CALIDORUS: With which to hang myself.

I’m determined, ere’tis dark, to take a leap in the dark.

PSEUDOLUS: Who then shall pay me back my drachma * * * *? Do you wish purposely to hang yourself for the very reason, that you may cheat mo out of my drachma if I lend it you?

CALIDORUS: At all events, I can in nowise survive if she’s removed and carried off from me.

PSEUDOLUS: Why do you weep, you cuckoo? You shall survive.

CALIDORUS: Why should I not weep, who have neither a coin of silver in ready money, nor have the hope of a groat anywhere in the world?

PSEUDOLUS: As I understand the tenor of this letter, unless you weep for her with tears of silver, the affection which you wish yourself by those tears to prove is of no more value than if you were to pour water into a sieve. But have no fear, I’ll not forsake you in your love. In troth, I do trust that this day, from some quarter or other, by my good aid

I shall find you help in the money line. But whence that is to come,—that whence I know not how to pronounce; except only that so it shall be; my eyebrow twitches to that effect.

CALIDORUS: As to what you say, I trust that your deeds may be as good as your words.

PSEUDOLUS: I’ faith, you surely know, if I set my plans a-going, after what fashion and how great is the bustle that I am in the habit of causing.

CALIDORUS: In you are now centred all the hopes of my existence.

PSEUDOLUS: Is it enough, if I this day make this damsel to be yours, or if I find you twenty minae?

CALIDORUS: ’Tis enough, if so it is to be.

PSEUDOLUS: Ask of me twenty minae, that you may be assured that I’ll procure for you that which I have promised. Ask them of me, by my troth, prithee do; I long to make the promise.

CALIDORUS: Will you this day find me twenty minae of silver?

PSEUDOLUS: I will find them; be no more troublesome to me then. And this I tell you first, that you mayn’t deny that it was told you;

if I can no one else, I’ll diddle your father out of the money.

CALIDORUS: So far as filial affection is concerned, even my mother as well. May the Gods always preserve you for me. But what if you are not able?

PSEUDOLUS: Upon that matter do you go to sleep with either eye.

CALIDORUS: With the eye or with the ear?

PSEUDOLUS: The latter is too common an expression.

Now, that no one may affirm that it wasn’t told him, I tell you all (to the AUDIENCE), in the presence of the youths in this audience, and of all the people, to all my friends and all my acquaintances I give notice, that for this day they must guard against me, and not trust me.

CALIDORUS: Hist! be silent, prithee, by all the powers!

PSEUDOLUS: What’s the matter?

CALIDORUS: There was a noise at the procurer’s door.

PSEUDOLUS: I could only wish it were his legs in preference.

CALIDORUS: Yes, and he himself is coming out from in-doors, the perjured scoundrel.

(They stand at a distance.)

(Enter BALLIO, with several MALE and FEMALE SLAVES, from his house.)

BALLIO: Get out, come, out with you, you rascals, kept at a loss and bought at a loss, in the minds of not one of whom aught ever comes to do aright, of whom I can’t make a bit of use, unless I try it after this fashion. (He flogs the men all round.) At no time did I ever see human beings more like asses; so hardened are your ribs with stripes; when you flog them, you hurt yourself the most. Of such a disposition are these whipping-posts who follow this line of conduct; when the opportunity is given, pilfer, purloin, prig, plunder, drink, eat, and run away’s the word. This is their method, so that you would choose rather to leave wolves among sheep, than these fellows on guard in your house. Yet, when you look at their appearance, they don’t seem amiss; by their doings they deceive you. Now, therefore, unless you all of you give your attention to this charge, unless you remove drowsiness and sloth from your breasts and eyes,

I’ll make your sides to be right thoroughly marked with thongs, so much so that not even Campanian coverlets are coloured as well, nor yet Alexandrian tapestry of purple embroidered with beasts all over. Even yesterday I already gave you all notice, and assigned to each his own respective employment; but so utterly worthless are you, so neglectful, of such stubborn dispositions, that you compel me to put you in mind of your duty with a basting. You are so minded I suppose, to get the better of this scourge and myself through the hardness of your hides. Never, i’ faith, will your hides prove harder, than is this cow-hide of mine. (He dangles it before them.) Do look at that, please; they are minding other matters. Attend to this, and give heed to this.

(He flogs one of them.) How now? Does it pain? Ah, that’s the way it’s laid on when any slave slights his master. Stand all of you before me, you race of mortals born to be thrashed; turn your ears this way; give attention all of you to what I say. You fellow who are holding the pitcher, do you fetch the water; do you take care that the cauldron’s full this instant. You, with the axe, I appoint over the wood-cutting department.

SLAVES of Ballio.: But this one is blunted on the edge.

BALLIO: Let it be so, then. And so are you yourselves with stripes;

yet am I for that reason any the less to enjoy your services? My orders I give to you, that the house be made clean. You have what you are to do; make haste, and go in-doors. (Exit FIRST SLAVE.) Be you the one that makes the couches smooth. Do you wash the plate clean, and arrange it in order as well, Take care that when I return from the Forum, I find things done; that all be swept, sprinkled, scoured, made smooth, cleaned, and arranged in order.

For this day is my birthday; it befits you all to celebrate it. Take care to lay the gammon of bacon, the brawn, the collared neck, and the udder, in water; do you hear me? I wish to entertain tip-top men in first-rate style, that they may fancy that I have property. Go you in-doors, and get these things ready quickly, that there may be no delay when the cook comes. I’m going to market, that I may make purchase of whatever fish is there.

Boy, go you before me; I must have a care that no one cuts away my purse. Or wait there; there’s something that I had almost forgotten to say at home. Do you hear me, you women? I have this charge for you—you, misses of distinction, who spend your time with illustrious men in refinements, luxury, and delights; now shall I know and make trial this day, which one has regard for her liberty, which for her appetite which thinks on her business, which on sleeping only: this day I’ll make trial which I must think of as a freed-woman, and which as one to be sold. Take you care that many a present from your lovers comes in for me this day; for if your year’s board isn’t picked up for me, to-morrow I’ll turn you adrift on the public. You know that this is my birthday; where are those youths, the apples of whose eyes you are, whose very existence, whose delight you are? Where are your kisses, where your bosoms sweet as honey? Make the bearers of presents to come here then, for my sake, before this house, in whole regiments. Why am I to find clothes for you, gold trinkets, and those things which you need? What have I, you jades, through your means, except vexation, you women, eager for nothing but the wine? You are a-soaking away yourselves and your paunches too, at the very time that I’m here a-dry.

Now, therefore, this is the best thing to do; for me to call you each by her name, that no one of you may be declaring to me by-and-by that her business hasn’t been told her. Give attention, all of you. In the first place, Hedylium, my business is with you—you, who are the favorite of the corn-merchants, men who have, all of them, immense mountains of wheat piled up at home;

take you care that wheat is brought here for me, to suffice this year to come for myself and all my household, and that I may so abound in corn that the city may change my name for me, and instead of the procurer Ballio proclaim me King lasions.

CALIDORUS: (apart.) Do you hear what the gallows-bird is saying? Doesn’t he seem a regular boaster to you?

PSEUDOLUS: (apart.) I’ troth the fellow does, and a wicked one as well. But hush now, and give attention to this.

BALLIO: Aeschrodora, you who have for your patrons the butchers, those rivals of the procurers, who, just like ourselves, by false oaths seek their gains, do you listen; unless the three larders shall be crammed for me this day with carcases of ample weight, to-morrow, just as they say that formerly the two sons of Jupiter fastened Dirce to the bull, aye, this day as well, will I tie you up to the larder; that, in fact, shall be your bull.

CALIDORUS: (apart.) I’m quite enraged by the talk of this fellow;

that we should suffer the youth of Attica to encourage here this fellow! Where are they—where are they skulking, they of mature age, who have their amorous dealings with this procurer? Why don’t they meet? Why don’t they one and all deliver the public from this pestilence?

But I am very simple, and very ignorant; they would venture, of course, to do that to those, to whom their passions compel them, to their misfortune, to be subservient, and, at the same time, prevent them from doing that against them which they would rather wish to do.

PSEUDOLUS: (apart.) Hush!

CALIDORUS: (apart.) What’s the matter?

PSEUDOLUS: (apart.) Pshaw! you are not very obliging. Why are you drowning his talk by your noise?

CALIDORUS: (apart.) I’ll be silent.

PSEUDOLUS: (apart.) But I’d much rather you would be silent, than that you should say you will be silent.

BALLIO: And you,

Xystilis, take you care and give me your attention—you whose fanciers have large quantities of oil at home. If oil shall not be brought me here forthwith in leathern bags, I’ll to-morrow cause yourself to be carried off in a leathern bag to the prostitutes’ shambles.

There a bed shall be given you, I warrant, where you can have no rest, but where, even to downright fainting— You understand what’s the tendency of that which I’m saying? Will you tell me, you viper you, you who have so many of your fanciers so right well laden with their oil, is now the head of any one of your fellow-slaves a bit the better anointed by your means, or do I, myself, get my dainty morsels a bit the better seasoned with oil for it? But I understand— you don’t care much about oil; with wine you anoint yourself. Only wait a bit; by my troth I’ll punish you for all at one spell, unless indeed this day you contrive to manage all these things that I’ve been speaking of.

But as for you, Phœnicium, I tell you this, you pet of the mighty men—you who have been for so long a time always paying down to me your money for your liberty—you who only know how to promise, but don’t know how to pay what you have promised; unless this day all your keep is brought me here out of the stores of your customers, to-morrow, Phœnicium, with a true Phœnician hide, you’ll pay a visit to the strumpets’ shambles. (The SLAVES go into the house of BALLIO.)

(CALIDORUS and PSEUDOLUS come forward. BALLIO stands near his door.)

CALIDORUS: Pseudolus, don’t you hear what he says?

PSEUDOLUS: I hear it, master, and I give good heed.

CALIDORUS: What do you advise me to send him, that he mayn’t devote my mistress to dishonor?

PSEUDOLUS: Don’t you trouble yourself about that; be of cheerful mind. I’ll manage for myself and for you. For some time past I’ve been on terms of goodwill with him, and he with me; and our friendship is of old standing. I’ll send him this day, on his birthday, a mischief heavy and well-matured.

CALIDORUS: What’s the plan?

PSEUDOLUS: Can’t you attend to something else?

CALIDORUS: But—

PSEUDOLUS: Tut.

CALIDORUS: I’m distracted.

PSEUDOLUS: Harden your heart.

CALIDORUS: I cannot.

PSEUDOLUS: Make yourself to can.

CALIDORUS: By what means, pray, can I prevail upon my feelings?

PSEUDOLUS: Carry you out that which is to your advantage, rather than give heed with your feelings to the thing that’s disadvantageous.

CALIDORUS: That’s nonsense; there is no pleasure, unless a lover acts like a fool.

PSEUDOLUS: Do you persist?

CALIDORUS: O my dear Pseudolus, let me be undone—do let me, please.

PSEUDOLUS: I’ll let you; only let me go. (Going.)

CALIDORUS: Stay, stay. As you shall, then, wish me to be, so will I be.

PSEUDOLUS: Now, at last, you are in your senses.

BALLIO: (coming forward from the door of his house to the other side of the stage.) The day is passing; I’m causing delay to myself. Boy, do you go before me. (Moves as if going.)

CALIDORUS: Hallo there! he’s going; why don’t you call him back?

PSEUDOLUS: Why in such a hurry? Gently.

CALIDORUS: But before he’s gone.

BALLIO: Why the plague do you go so slowly, boy?

PSEUDOLUS: You born on this day, hallo! you born on this day; I’m calling to you; hallo! you born on this day, come you back and look at us. Although you are busy, we want you; stop—it’s because some persons want to speak to you.

BALLIO: What’s this? Who is it, when I’m busy, causes me unseasonable delay?

PSEUDOLUS: He that has been your supporter.

BALLIO: He’s dead that has been; only he that is, is now alive.

PSEUDOLUS: You are too saucy.

BALLIO: You are too troublesome. (Turns away to go on.)

CALIDORUS: Seize the fellow: follow him up.

BALLIO: Go on, boy.

PSEUDOLUS: Let’s go and meet him this way. (They run and stand before him.)

BALLIO: May Jupiter confound you, whoever you are.

PSEUDOLUS: That for yourself I wish.

BALLIO: And for both of you do I. Turn you this way, boy. (Takes another direction.)

PSEUDOLUS: May we not speak with you?

BALLIO: Why, it doesn’t please me.

PSEUDOLUS: But if it’s something to your advantage?

BALLIO: Am I allowed to go away, pray, or am I not?

PSEUDOLUS: Pshaw!

Stop. (Catches hold of him.)

BALLIO: Let me go.

CALIDORUS: Ballio, listen.

BALLIO: I’m deaf.

CALIDORUS: Really, you are uncivil.

BALLIO: You are a chatterer of nonsense.

CALIDORUS: I gave you money so long as I had it.

BALLIO: I’m not asking what you gave.

CALIDORUS: I’ll give you some when I have it.

BALLIO: When you have it, bring it to me.

CALIDORUS: Alas, alas! In what a foolish fashion have I lavished what I brought to you, and what I gave you.

BALLIO: Your wealth defunct, you now are talking about it; you are a simpleton, a cause that has been tried you are trying over again.

PSEUDOLUS: At least consider him, who he is.

BALLIO: I’ve known for a long time now who he was; who he now is, let him know himself. Do you walk on (to the BOY).

PSEUDOLUS: And can’t you, Ballio, only once give a look this way for your own profit?

BALLIO: At that price I’ll give a look; for if I were sacrificing to supreme Jupiter, and were presenting the entrails in my hands to lay them on the altar, if in the meanwhile anything in the way of profit were offered, I should in preference forsake the sacrifice. There’s no being able to resist that sort of piety, however other things go.

PSEUDOLUS: (aside.) The very Gods, whom it is especially our duty to reverence—them he esteems of little value.

BALLIO: I’ll speak to him. Hail to you, right heartily, the very vilest slave in Athens.

PSEUDOLUS: May the Gods and Goddesses favour you, Ballio, both at his wish and at my own; or, if you are deserving of other terms, let them neither favour nor bless you.

BALLIO: What’s the matter, Calidorus?

CALIDORUS: Love and pinching want are the matter.

BALLIO: I would pity you, if, upon pity I could support my establishment.

PSEUDOLUS: Aye, aye, we know you quite well, what sort of character you are; don’t be proclaiming it. But do you know what we want?

BALLIO: I’ faith, I know it pretty nearly; that there may be something unfortunate for me.

PSEUDOLUS: Both to that and this for which we called you back, prithee do give your attention.

BALLIO: I am attending; but compress into a few words what you want, as I’m busy now.

PSEUDOLUS: He (pointing to CALIDORUS) is quite ashamed about what he promised you, and the day for which he promised it, that he hasn’t even yet paid you those twenty minae for his mistress.

BALLIO: That which we are ashamed at is much more easily endured than that which we are vexed at. At not having paid the money, he is ashamed; I, because I have not received it, am vexed.

PSEUDOLUS: Still, he’ll pay it, he’ll procure it; do you only wait some days to come. But he has been afraid of this, that you’ll sell her on account of his embarrassment.

BALLIO: He had an opportunity, had he wished, of paying the money long ago.

CALIDORUS: What if I had it not?

BALLIO: If you had been in love, you would have found it on loan. You would have gone to the usurer; you would have paid the interest; or else you would have pilfered it from your father.

PSEUDOLUS: Ought he to have pilfered it from his father, you most shameless villain? There is no fear that you’ll point out to him anything that’s right.

BALLIO: That’s not like a procurer.

CALIDORUS: And could I possibly pilfer anything from my father, an old man so much on his guard? And besides, if I could do so, filial affection forbids.

BALLIO: I understand you; do you then at night embrace filial affection in place of Phœnicium. But since I see you prefer your filial affection to your love—are all men your fathers? Is there no one for you to ask to lend you some money?

CALIDORUS: Why, the very name of lending’s dead and gone by this.

PSEUDOLUS: Look you now; since, i’ faith, those fellows arose from the banker’s table, with a filled skin, who, when they called in their own, paid what they had borrowed to no born creature, since then, I say, all people have been more cautious not to trust another.

CALIDORUS: Most wretched am I; nowhere am I able to find a coin of silver;

so distractedly am I perishing both through love and want of money.

BALLIO: Buy oil on credit, and sell it for ready money; then, i’ faith, even two hundred minae ready money might be raised.

CALIDORUS: There I’m done; the twenty-five year old law founders me. All are afraid to trust me.

BALLIO: The same law have I. I’m afraid to trust you.

PSEUDOLUS: To trust him, indeed! How now, do you repent of the great profit he has been to you?

BALLIO: No lover is a profitable one, except him who keeps continually making presents. Either let him be always giving, or when he has nothing, let him at the same time cease to be in love.

CALIDORUS: And don’t you pity me at all?

BALLIO: You come empty-handed; words don’t chink. But I wish you life and health.

PSEUDOLUS: Heyday! Is he dead already?

BALLIO: However he is, to me indeed, at all events, with these speeches, he is dead. Then, does a lover really live, when he comes begging to a procurer? Do you always come to me with a complaint that brings its money. As for that, which you are now lamenting about, that you have got no money, complain of it to your stepmother.

PSEUDOLUS: Why, have you ever been married to his father, pray?

BALLIO: May the Gods grant better things.

PSEUDOLUS: Do what we ask you, Ballio, on my credit, if you are afraid to trust him. Within the next three days, from some quarter, in some way, either by land or sea, I’ll rout up this money for you.

BALLIO: I, trust you?

PSEUDOLUS: Why not?

BALLIO: Because, i’ faith, on the same principle that I trust you, on that principle I should tie a run-away dog to a lamb’s fry.

CALIDORUS: Is the obligation thus ungratefully returned by you to me, who have deserved so well of you?

BALLIO: What do you want now?

CALIDORUS: That you will only wait these six days of the Feast, and will not sell her or prove the death of the person who loves her.

BALLIO: Be of good courage; I’ll wait six months even.

CALIDORUS: Capital—most delightful man!

BALLIO: Aye; and do you wish, too, that from joyful I should make you even more joyous?

CALIDORUS: How so?

BALLIO: Why, because I’ve got no Phœnicium to sell.

CALIDORUS: Not got her?

BALLIO: I’ faith, not I, indeed.

CALIDORUS: Pseudolus, go fetch the sacrifice, the victims, the sacrificers, that I may make offering to this supreme Jove. For this Jupiter is now much more mighty to me than is Jupiter himself.

BALLIO: I want no victims; with the entrails of minae I wish to be appeased.

CALIDORUS: (to PSEUDOLUS.) Make haste. Why do you hesitate? Go fetch the lambs; do you hear what Jupiter says?

PSEUDOLUS: I’ll be here this moment; but first I must run as far as beyond the gate.

CALIDORUS: Why thither?

PSEUDOLUS: I’ll fetch two sacrificers thence, with their bells; at the same time I’ll fetch thence two bundles of elm twigs, that this day a sufficiency may be provided for the sacrifice to this Jove.

BALLIO: Away to utter perdition.

PSEUDOLUS: Thither shall the pimping Jupiter go.

BALLIO: It isn’t for your interest that I should die.

PSEUDOLUS: How so?

BALLIO: This way; because, if I’m dead, there will be no one worse than yourself in Athens. For your interest (to CALIDORUS) it is that I should die.

CALIDORUS: How so?

BALLIO: I’ll tell you; because, i’ faith, so long as I shall be alive, you’ll never be a man well to do.

CALIDORUS: Troth now, prithee, in serious truth, tell me this that I ask you—have you not got my mistress, Phœnicium, on sale?

BALLIO: By my faith, I really have not; for I’ve now sold her already.

CALIDORUS: In what way?

BALLIO: Without her trappings, with all her inwards.

CALIDORUS: What? Have you sold my mistress?

BALLIO: Decidedly; for twenty minae.

CALIDORUS: For twenty minae?

BALLIO: Or, in other words, for four times five minae, whichever you please, to a Macedonian Captain; and I’ve already got fifteen of the minae at home.

CALIDORUS: What is it that I hear of you?

BALLIO: That your mistress has been turned into money.

CALIDORUS: Why did you dare to do so?

BALLIO: ’Twas my pleasure; she was my own.

CALIDORUS: Hallo! Pseudolus. Run, fetch me a sword.

PSEUDOLUS: What need is there of a sword?

CALIDORUS: With which to kill this fellow this instant, and then myself.

PSEUDOLUS: But why not kill yourself only rather? For famine will soon be killing him.

CALIDORUS: What do you say, most perjured of men as many as are living upon the earth? Did you not take an oath that you would sell her to no person besides myself?

BALLIO: I confess it.

CALIDORUS: In solemn form, to wit.

BALLIO: Aye, and well considered too.

CALIDORUS: You have proved perjured, you villain.

BALLIO: I sacked the money at home, however.

Villain as I am, I am now able to draw upon a stock of silver in my house; whereas you who are so dutiful, and born of that grand family, haven’t a single coin.

CALIDORUS: Pseudolus, stand by him on the other side and load this fellow with imprecations.

PSEUDOLUS: Very well. Never would I run to the Praetor with equal speed that I might be made free. (Stands on the other side of BALLIO.)

CALIDORUS: Heap on him a multitude of curses.

PSEUDOLUS: Now will I publish you with my rebukes.

Thou lackshame!

BALLIO: ’Tis the fact.

PSEUDOLUS: Villain!

BALLIO: You say the truth.

PSEUDOLUS: Whipping-post!

BALLIO: Why not?

PSEUDOLUS: Robber of tombs!

BALLIO: No doubt.

PSEUDOLUS: Gallows-bird!

BALLIO: Very well done.

PSEUDOLUS: Cheater of your friends!

BALLIO: That’s in my way.

PSEUDOLUS: Parricide!

BALLIO: Proceed, you.

CALIDORUS: Committer of sacrilege!

BALLIO: I own it.

CALIDORUS: Perjurer!

BALLIO: You’re telling nothing new.

CALIDORUS: Lawbreaker!

BALLIO: Very much so.

PSEUDOLUS: Pest of youth!

BALLIO: Most severely said.

CALIDORUS: Thief!

BALLIO: Oh! wonderful!

PSEUDOLUS: Vagabond!

BALLIO: Pooh! pooh!

CALIDORUS: Defrauder of the public!

BALLIO: Most decidedly so.

PSEUDOLUS: Cheating scoundrel!

CALIDORUS: Filthy pander!

PSEUDOLUS: Lump of filth!

BALLIO: A capital chorus.

CALIDORUS: You beat your father and mother.

BALLIO: Aye, and killed them, too, rather than find them food; did I do wrong at all?

PSEUDOLUS: We are pouring our words into a pierced cask: we are losing our pains.

BALLIO: Would you like to call me anything else besides?

CALIDORUS: Is there anything that shames you?

BALLIO: Yes; that you have been found to be a lover as empty as a rotten nut. But although you have used towards me expressions many and harsh, unless the Captain shall bring me this day the five minae that he owes me, as this was the last day appointed for the payment of that money, if he doesn’t bring it, I think that I am able to do my duty.

CALIDORUS: What is that duty?

BALLIO: If you bring the money, I’ll break faith with him; that’s my duty. If it were more worth my while, I would talk further with you. But, without a coin of money,’tis in vain that you request me to have pity upon you. Such is my determination; but do you, from this, consider what you have henceforth to do? (Moves.)

CALIDORUS: Are you going then?

BALLIO: At present I am full of business. (Exit.)

PSEUDOLUS: Before long you’ll be more so. That man is my own, unless all Gods and men forsake me. I’ll bone him just in the same fashion that a cook does a lamprey. Now, Calidorus, I wish you to give me your attention.

CALIDORUS: What do you bid me do?

PSEUDOLUS: I wish to lay siege to this town, that this day it may be taken.

For that purpose, I have need of an artful, clever, knowing, and crafty fellow, who may despatch out of hand what he is ordered, not one to go to sleep upon his watch.

CALIDORUS: Tell me, then, what you are going to do?

PSEUDOLUS: In good time I’ll let you know. I don’t care for it to be repeated twice; stories are made too long that way.

CALIDORUS: You plead what’s very fair and very just.

PSEUDOLUS: Make haste; bring the fellow hither quickly.

CALIDORUS: Out of many, there are but few friends that are to be depended upon by a person.

PSEUDOLUS: I know that; therefore, get for yourself now a choice of both, and seek out of these many one that can be depended upon.

CALIDORUS: I’ll have him here this instant.

PSEUDOLUS: Can’t you be off then? You create delay for yourself by your talking. (Exit CALIDORUS.)

(PSEUDOLUS, alone.)

PSEUDOLUS: Since he has gone hence, you are now standing alone, Pseudolus.

What are you to do now, after you have so largely promised costly delights to your master’s son by your speeches? You, for whom not even one drop of sure counsel is ready, nor yet of silver * * * * nor have you where first you must begin your undertaking, nor yet fixed limits for finishing off your web. But just as the poet, when he has taken up his tablets, seeks what nowhere in the world exists, and still finds it, and makes that like truth which really is a fiction; now I’ll become a poet; twenty minae, which no-where in the world are now existing, still will I find. And some time since had I said that I would find them for him, and I had attempted to throw a net over our old gentleman; however, by what means I know not, he perceived it beforehand. But my voice and my talking must be stopped;

for, see! I perceive my master, Simo, coming this way, together with his neighbour, Callipho. Out of this old sepulchre will I dig twenty minae this day, to give them to my master’s son. Now I’ll step aside here, that I may pick up their conversation. (He stands apart.)

(Enter SIMO and CALLIPHO.)

SIMO: If now a Dictator were to be appointed at Athens of Attica out of the spendthrifts or out of the gallants, I do think that no one would surpass my son. For now the only talk of all throughout the city is to the effect that he is trying to set his mistress free, and is seeking after money for that purpose. Some people bring me word of this; and, in fact, I had long ago perceived it, and had suspected it, but I dissembled on it.

PSEUDOLUS: (apart.) Already is his son suspected by him; this affair is nipt in the bud, this business is at a stand-still.

The way is now entirely blocked up against me, by which I had intended to go a-foraging for the money.

He has perceived it beforehand. There’s no booty for the marauders.

CALLIPHO: Those men who carry about and who listen to accusations, should all be hanged, if so it could be at my decision, the carriers by their tongues, the listeners by their ears.

For these things that are told you, that your son in his amour is desirous to chouse you out of money, the chance is that these things so told you are all lies. But sappose they are true, as habits are, now-a-days especially, what has he done so surprising? What new thing, if a young man does love, and if he does liberate his mistress?

PSEUDOLUS: (apart.) A delightful old gentleman.

SIMO: I don’t wish him to follow the old-fashioned habits.

CALLIPHO: But still, in vain do you object; or you yourself shouldn’t have done the like in your youthful days. It befits the father to be immaculate, who wishes his son to be more immaculate than he has been himself.

But the mischief and the profligacy you were guilty of might have been distributed throughout the whole population, a share for each man. Are you surprised at it, if the son does take after the father?

PSEUDOLUS: (apart.) O Zeus, Zeus! how few in number are you considerate men. See, that’s being a father to a son, just as is proper.

SIMO: Who is it that’s speaking here? (Looking round.) Why, surely’tis my servant Pseudolus.’Tis he corrupts my son, the wicked scoundrel; he is his leader, he his tutor. I long for him to be put to extreme torture.

CALLIPHO: This is folly now, thus to keep your anger in readiness. How much better were it to accost him with kind words and to make all enquiries, whether these things are true or not that they tell you of?

SIMO: I’ll take your advice.

PSEUDOLUS: (apart.) They are making towards you, Pseudolus; prepare your speech to meet the old fellow.

Good courage in a bad case is half the evil got over. (Aloud, as he advances to meet them.) First, I salute my master, as is proper; and alter that, if anything is left, that I bestow upon his neighbour.

SIMO: Good day to you. What are you about?

PSEUDOLUS: About standing here in this fashion (assuming an attitude).

SIMO: See the attitude of the fellow, Callipho; how like that of a man of rank.

CALLIPHO: I consider that he is standing properly and with boldness.

PSEUDOLUS: It befits a servant innocent and guileless, as he is, to be bold, most especially before his master.

CALLIPHO: There are some things about which we wish to inquire of you, which we ourselves know and have heard of as though through a cloud of mist.

SIMO: He’ll manage you now with his speeches, so that you shall think it isn’t Pseudolus but Socrates that’s talking to you. What do you say?

PSEUDOLUS: For a long time you have held me in contempt, I know. I see that you have but little confidence in me. You wish me to be a villain; still, I will be of strict honesty.

SIMO: Take care, please, and make the recesses of your ears free, Pseudolus, that my words may be enabled to enter where I desire.

PSEUDOLUS: Come, say anything you please, although I am angry at you.

SIMO: What, you, a slave, angry at me your master?

PSEUDOLUS: And does that seem wonderful to you?

SIMO: Why, by my troth, according to what you say, I must be on my guard against you in your anger, and you are thinking of beating me in no other way than I am wont to beat yourself.

What do you think? (To CALLIPHO.)

CALLIPHO: I’ faith, I think that he’s angry with good reason, since you have so little confidence in him.

SIMO: I’ll leave him alone then. Let him be angry: I’ll take care that he shall do me no harm. But what do you say? What as to that which I was asking you?

PSEUDOLUS: If you want anything, ask me.

What I know, do you consider given you as a response at Delphi.

SIMO: Give your attention then, and take care and please mind your promise. What do you say? Do you know that my son is in love with a certain music-girl?

PSEUDOLUS: Yea, verily.

SIMO: Whom he is trying to make free?

PSEUDOLUS: Yea, verily and indeed.

SIMO: And you are scheming by cajolery and by cunning tricks to get twenty minae in ready money out of me?

PSEUDOLUS: I, get them out of you?

SIMO: Just so; to give them to my son, with which to liberate his mistress. Do you confess it? Speak out.

PSEUDOLUS: Yea, verily; yea, verily.

SIMO: He confesses it.

Didn’t I tell you so just now, Callipho?

CALLIPHO: So I remember.

SIMO: Why, directly you knew of these things, were they kept concealed from me? Why wasn’t I made acquainted with them?

PSEUDOLUS: I’ll tell you: because I was unwilling that a bad custom should originate in me, for a servant to accuse his master before his master.

SIMO: Wouldn’t you order this fellow to be dragged head first to the treadmills?

CALLIPHO: Has he done anything amiss, Simo?

SIMO: Yes, very much so.

PSEUDOLUS: (to CALLIPHO.) Be quiet, I quite well understand my own affairs, Callipho. Is this a fault? Now then, give your attention to the reason why I you kept ignorant of this amour. I knew that the treadmill was close at hand, if I told you.

SIMO: And didn’t you know, as well, that the treadmill would be close at hand when you kept silent on it?

PSEUDOLUS: I did know it.

SIMO: Why wasn’t it told me?

PSEUDOLUS: The one evil was close at hand, the other at a greater distance; the one was at the moment, the other was a few days off.

SIMO: What will you be doing now? For assuredly the money cannot be got in this quarter out of me, who have especially detected it.

I shall forthwith give notice to all that no one is to trust him the money.

PSEUDOLUS: I’ faith, I’ll never go begging to any person, so long, at all events, as you shall be alive; troth, you shall find me the money; and as for me, I shall take it from you.

SIMO: You, take it from me?

PSEUDOLUS: Undoubtedly.

SIMO: Troth, now, knock out my eye, if I do find it.

PSEUDOLUS: You shall provide it. I warn you then to be on your guard against me.

SIMO: By my troth, I know this for sure; if you do take it away, you will have done a wonderful and a great exploit.

PSEUDOLUS: I will do it, however.

SIMO: But if you don’t carry it off?

PSEUDOLUS: Then flog me with rods. But what if I do carry it off?

SIMO: I give you Jupiter as your witness, that you shall pass your life free from punishment.

PSEUDOLUS: Take care and remember that.

SIMO: Could I possibly be unable to be on my guard, who am forewarned?

PSEUDOLUS: I forewarn you to be on your guard. I say you must be on your guard, I tell you. Keep watch. Look, now, with those same hands will you this day give me the money

SIMO: By my troth,’tis a clever mortal if he keeps his word.

PSEUDOLUS: Carry me away to be your slave if I don’t do it.

SIMO: You speak kindly and obligingly; for at present you are not mine, I suppose.

PSEUDOLUS: Would you like me to tell you, too, what you will still more wonder at?

SIMO: Come, then; i’ faith, I long to hear it; I listen to you with pleasure.

PSEUDOLUS: Before I fight that battle, I shall first fight another battle, famous and memorable.

SIMO: What battle?

PSEUDOLUS: Why, with the procurer your neighbour; by means of stratagem and artful tricks, I’l cleverly bamboozle the procurer out of this music-girl, with whom your son is so desperately in love;

and I surely will have both of these things effected this very day, before the evening.

SIMO: Well, if you accomplish these tasks as you say, you will surpass in might King Agathocles. But if you don’t do it, is there any reason why I shouldn’t forthwith put you in the treadmill?

PSEUDOLUS: Not for one day, but, i’ faith, for all, whatever the time. But if I effect it, will you not at once give me the money of your own free will for me to pay to the procurer?

CALLIPHO: Pseudolus is making a fair claim; say I’ll give it.

SIMO: But still, do you know what comes into my mind? Suppose they have made an arrangement, Callipho, among themselves, or are acting in concert, and on a preconcerted plan, to bamboozle me out of the money?

PSEUDOLUS: Who would be more audacious than myself, if I dared to do such an action? Well, Simo, if we are thus in collusion, or have ever arranged any plan, do you mark me quite all over with elm-tree stripes, just as when letters are written in a book with a reed.

SIMO: Now then, proclaim the games as soon as you please.

PSEUDOLUS: Give me your attention, Callipho, I beg you, for this day, so that you may not any way employ yourself upon other business.

CALLIPHO: Why, now, I had made up my mind yesterday to go into the country.

PSEUDOLUS: Still, do you now change the plan which you had resolved upon.

CALLIPHO: I am now resolved not to go away on account of this; I have an inclination to be a spectator of your games, Pseudolus; and if I shall find that he doesn’t give you the money which he has promised, rather than it shouldn’t be done, I’ll give it.

SIMO: I shall not change my purpose.

PSEUDOLUS: Because, by my faith, if you don’t give it, you shall be dunned for it with clamour great and plenteous. Come, now, move yourselves off hence into the house this instant, and in turn give room for my tricks.

SIMO: Be it so.

CALLIPHO: You may have your way,

PSEUDOLUS: But I want you to keep close at home.

SIMO: Well, that assistance I promise you.

CALLIPHO: But I shall be off to the Forum. I’ll be back here presently. (Exit CALLIPHO. SIMO goes into his house.)

PSEUDOLUS: Be back directly. (To the AUDIENCE.) I have a suspicion, now, that you are suspecting that I have been promising these so great exploits to these persons for the purpose of amusing you, while I am acting this play, and that I shall not do that which I said I will do. I will not change my design; so far as that then I know for certain; by what means I’m to carry it out not at all do I know as yet; only this, that so it shall be. For he that appears upon the stage in a new character, him it befits to bring something that is new.

If he cannot do that, let him give place to him who can. I am inclined to go hence into the house for some little time, while I summon together all my stratagems in my mind. Meanwhile this piper shall entertain you. (Goes into the house of SIMO, and the PIPER strikes up a tune.)