Chapter 5

(Enter STICHUS, and provisions, a table, and couches on the stage.)

STICHUS: Foolishly and unwisely is it done in my opinion, if people are in the habit, if they are expecting a person; of looking out for him; faith, ne doesn’t on that account come a bit the faster. I’m now doing that same thing, in looking out for Sagarinus;

who, still, for that reason won’t come a jot the faster. Troth, I shall just now be taking my place alone, if he doesn’t come here. I’ll now fetch that cask of wine hither from home, and then I’ll take my place. The day, like snow, is melting away apace. (Goes into the house of EPIGNOMUS.)

(Enter SAGARINUS.)

SAGARINUS: Hail! Athens, thou nurse of Greece;

country of my master, hail! How joyously do I behold thee. But I have a wish to see how my mistress and fellow-servant, Stephanium, is faring. For I bade Stichus to give her my regards, and to tell her that I should come to-day, so that she might cook a dinner in good time.

But, surely, here’s Stichus. (with a cask of wine)

STICHUS: (to himself.) A clever thing you did, master, when you presented your servant, Stichus, with this gift. O ye immortal Gods! how many delights do I carry, how many smiles, how many jokes, how many a kiss, dancing, dalliance, and good-fellowship.

SAGARINUS: Stichus, how fare you?

STICHUS: Right well, Sagarinus, most delightfully; I’m bringing Dionysus, as my guest and yours. For, i’ faith, the dinner’s cooked; free range has been given me and you at your house. For at our house there’s an entertainment; your master’s dining there with his wife, and Antipho as well;

there, too, is my master. This was given me as a present. (Points to the cask.)

SAGARINUS: How? Are you dreaming?

STICHUS: I’ faith, I’m telling you the truth.

SAGARINUS: Who then gave you this?

STICHUS: What matters that to you?

I wish us this day to wash away everything of foreign climes.

Leave them alone; let’s now attend to Athens; follow me.

Do you at once make haste, and bathe.

SAGARINUS: I have bathed.

STICHUS: Very good follow me, then, this. way in-doors, Sagarinus.

SAGARINUS: Of course, I follow. By my troth, this beginning pleases me as I return home; a happy omen and augury has met me in my path. (They go into the house of PAMPHILUS.)

(Enter STEPHANIUM from the house of EPIGNOMUS.)

STEPHANIUM: (to the AUDIENCE.) I wish that it may appear wondrous to no one of you, Spectators, why I who live there (pointing to the house of PAMPHILUS) am come out hither from this other house: I’ll inform you thereon. Just now was I sent for to this house by the back way. For as soon as news was brought that the husbands of these ladies were about to come, we all hurried thither. We attended to laying the couches, and setting all in order. Still, amid these duties, I had a care for my friends,

Stichus and my fellow-servant Sagarinus, that their dinner should be cooked. Stichus has been caterer; but for cooking it, I’ve appointed one my deputy. Now, I’ll be off hence, and attend to my friends, who, I see, are coming here. (Goes into the house of PAMPHILUS.)

(Enter STICHUS and SAGARINUS from the house of PAMPHILUS with provisions, a PIPER following.)

SAGARINUS: Come, out of doors with you; lead on the procession. Stichus, I appoint you commander of the cask. I’m resolved to prove our banquet in every fashion this day.

So may the Gods love me, we are well entertained in being feasted in this place. I will that each person that passes by shall be invited to join the banquet.

STICHUS: Agreed, so long only as, i’ faith, each man comes with his own wine; for of this, a mouthful shall be given to no person but ourselves, this day. Eating alone, let’s wait upon ourselves.

SAGARINUS: This banquet, for our means, is quite sufficient, with its nuts, beans, figs, a dish of olives, pounded lupines, and a cake.

STICHUS: It better becomes a man who is a slave to bring his expenses within moderation than beyond. Each one to his own station; they, who have wealth at home, drink from cups, goblets, and bowls; we, if we are now drinking from our Samian jug, still build our walls according to our means.

SAGARINUS: But while she who is your mistress and mine is arranging her hair, and bedecking herself, I wish us to have some diversion among ourselves. I appoint you the commander of this feast.

STICHUS: Very aptly does it suggest itself to your mind.

SAGARINUS: Wouldn’t we be more suitably entertained like Cynics on benches here, than upon couches?

STICHUS: Aye, but this is far the most pleasant.

SAGARINUS: On which side is each of us to recline by our mistress?

STICHUS: Of course you go to the upper place. And, so that you may understand it, I make a division with you on these terms: consider, and take which province you would even like now to take. (They take their places.)

SAGARINUS: But what’s your meaning about this province?

STICHUS: Whether you would choose to hold the command over the water or over Bacchus.

SAGARINUS: Over Bacchus, most distinctly.

But, in the meantime, general of ours, why stands this goblet here? See how many cups we have drunk.

STICHUS: As many as there are fingers on your hand. The Greek song is, Drink either your five cups or your three, but not your four.

SAGARINUS: (about to drink.) I pledge you. Do you take for yourself the tenth part from the fountain, if you are wise. Here’s luck to you, luck to us; here’s luck to thee, luck to me; luck to our Stephanium as well.

STICHUS: ’Tis bravely done. I pledge you in a goblet. (Drinks.)

SAGARINUS: Keep your wine; I’d very much like something by way of a relish.

STICHUS: If you are not satisfied with what’s here, there’s nothing else. Take some water.

SAGARINUS: You say right; I care for no dainties.

Drink away, Piper; drink, if you do drink. I’ faith, this must be drunk—don’t shirk it. (Holds the goblet to the PIPER.) Why flinch at what you see must be done by you? Why don’t you drink? Do it, if you are to do it. Take it, I tell you, for the public pays for this. That’s not your way to shirk your drink. Take your pipes out of your mouth. (The PIPER drinks.)

STICHUS: When he has drunk, either do you mind my rules, or else I’ll give up.

I don’t wish us to drink this straight out; we shall soon be about nothing; for, by my faith, almost all in a moment, the cask might be turned head downwards.

SAGARINUS: (to the PIPER.) How now? Although you did make a fuss about it, still it didn’t hurt you. Come, Piper, when you’ve done drinking, put back your pipes to your lips; quickly puff out your cheeks, just like a reptile serpent.

Come now, Stichus, whichever of the two breaks order, shall be fined a cup.

STICHUS: You propose a good regulation. You ought to have your way, who only ask what’s fair.

SAGARINUS: Mind it then; if you offend, I’ll forthwith take the forfeit on the spot.

STICHUS: You ask what’s quite right and just.

SAGARINUS: (pledging STICHUS.) Here’s to you first of all.

STICHUS: ’Tis a droll thing this, for two persons, rivals of each other, to be courting, to be drinking from one goblet, and to be kissing one wench.’Tis worthy of remark this: I am you, you are I; of one accord are we. With one mistress are we both in love; when she’s with me, still she’s with you; and when she’s with you, she’s with me as well; neither of us envies the other.

SAGARINUS: Come, come, there’s enough of it; I don’t want it overdone to weariness. I’d now like some other sport.

STICHUS: Drink on, if you are drinking.

SAGARINUS: There shall be no skulking in me.

But, troth, I’ve had enough of the feast; would but our mistress come here. If she were here, nothing else would be away.

STICHUS: Should you like us to invite our mistress out? She shall give us a dance.

SAGARINUS: I agree.

STICHUS: (calling aloud.) My sweet one, my lovely one, my pleasing one, Stephanium, do come out of doors to your sweethearts; to me you are quite charming.

SAGARINUS: But to me, indeed, most charming.

STICHUS: Make us jovial fellows more jovial by your assistance and your company.

Returning from abroad, we want you, dear little Stephanium, my honey, that is, if our lovingness is pleasing to you, if we are acceptable to you.

(Enter STEPHANIUM, from the house of PAMPHILUS.)

STEPHANIUM: I’ll indulge you, my dears; but, so may pretty Venus favour me, I should have already come out of doors here together with you, had I not been sprucing myself up for you. For such is the way of woman, when she is well washed, made clean, dressed and tricked out, still is she incomplete; and a female who is a courtesan much more quickly acquires dislike for herself by sluttishness than always keeps in favour through neatness.

STICHUS: That’s very cleverly said.

SAGARINUS: ’Tis the genuine language of Venus.

STICHUS: Sagarinus.

SAGARINUS: What’s the matter?

STICHUS: I’m in pain all over.

SAGARINUS: All over? So much the more unfortunate you.

STEPHANIUM: Where do I take my place?

SAGARINUS: Wherever you please.

STEPHANIUM: I’d like with both of you, for I love you both.

STICHUS: Whack go my savings. I’m done for;

freedom has abandoned this person of mine.

STEPHANIUM: Prithee, do give me room, where I may take my place, if, indeed, I am agreable. (She takes her place.)

Now I do long to be cozy with you both.

STICHUS: I’m ruined utterly. What were you saying?

SAGARINUS: Heyday! What’s the matter?

STICHUS: So may the Gods favour me, it never shall be otherwise this day but that this girl shall have a dance somehow. Come, my love, my sweet, do dance; I’ll dance too. (They rise and dance.)

SAGARINUS: I’ faith, you shan’t that way get the better of me, but what I’ll have a bit of enjoyment, too, that way.

STEPHANIUM: Well, if I must dance, do you then give the Piper something to drink.

STICHUS: Aye, and to me.

SAGARINUS: (holds the goblet to the PIPER.) Piper, you take first: and after that, if you tipple this off, just as has been your wont before to-day, straightway strike up some merry and amorous tune to dance to, by which we may tingle all over from our very finger nails. Pour some water here.

(The PIPER stops playing while he drinks the water.)

SAGARINUS: Take this, you; toss it off. The drink didn’t please him just now; now at last he takes it with less difficulty. Take it, you. (To STEPHANIUM.) In the meantime, apple of my eye, give me a kiss while he’s drinking.

STEPHANIUM: Why, it’s the way of a common strumpet, for a damsel to give a kiss standing to her sweetheart as he stands. (She turns away, while he tries to kiss her.)

STICHUS: Bravo! bravo! that’s the way it’s given to a thief.

SAGARINUS: Come, blow out your cheeks now; something in the amorous way at once. Give us a new tune in return for the old wine.

SAGARINUS: What person in the Ionian or the ballet line is there that can do anything like that? (He capers about.)

STICHUS: If you get the better of me this turn, just challenge me to another.

SAGARINUS: Just you do it in this fashion. (Capers.)

STICHUS: And you in this fashion. (Capers too.)

SAGARINUS: O grand!

STICHUS: O fine!

SAGARINUS: O wonderful!

STICHUS: Quiet!

SAGARINUS: Now, then, both in the same step. (They dance quietly, in the same measure.) I challenge all the dancing-masters to dance against me.’Tis no more possible for there to be enough of this for us than for there to be too much rain for a mushroom.

STICHUS: (ceasing to dance) Let’s away hence in-doors at once now; we’ve danced long enough for the wine.

You, Spectators, give us your applause, and then go home to enjoy yourselves.