Chapter 4

(Enter ANTIPHO and PAMPHILUS.)

ANTIPHO: So may the Gods favour me, and preserve for me my daughters, it is a pleasure to me, Pamphilus, that I see you both return home to your native land, your business prosperously managed, yourself and your brother.

PAMPHILUS: I should have heard enough from you, Antipho, did I not see that you are friendly to me; now, since I’ve found that you are my friend, I’ll give you credence.

ANTIPHO: I would invite you to my house to dinner, had not your brother told me that you were going to dine at his house to-day, when he invited myself to his house to dinner. And it would have been more proper for me to give you an entertainment on your arrival, than to engage myself to him, were it not that I didn’t wish to disoblige him. Now I don’t wish with words alone to insinuate myself into your favour;

to-morrow you shall be at my house, both you and he, with your wives.

PAMPHILUS: Then, the day after, at my house; for it was yesterday he invited me for to-day. But am I quite reconciled to you, Antipho?

ANTIPHO: Since you have thus thrived in your affairs, as it behoves yourselves and persons friendly disposed to wish, let there be good-will and intercourse between us. Take you care to think of this;

according as wealth is obtained by each man, so does he experience his friends. If his fortunes are flourishing, so are his friends true; if his prospects decline, so, too, do his friends decline. Fortune finds friends.

(from his house.)

EPIGNOMUS: (to himself.) I’m now returned.’Tis a great delight, if you have been long from home, when you return home again, if no anxieties come in contact with your feelings.

But, in my absence, so well has my wife taken care of my private affairs, that she has made me free and unembarrassed by anxieties. But, see, here’s my brother Pamphilus, walking with his father-in-law.

PAMPHILUS: How fares it, Epignomus?

EPIGNOMUS: How with you? How long since you came into harbour?

PAMPHILUS: Not very long ago.

EPIGNOMUS: (aside.) And is it since then that he has become on smooth terms with you?

ANTIPHO: (overhearing.) More smooth than the sea, on which you have both been borne.

EPIGNOMUS: You do as you are wont to do other things. Do we unlade the ship to-day, brother?

PAMPHILUS: I would rather go quietly to work. Let’s rather lade ourselves with delights in their turn. How soon will the dinner be cooked? I haven’t breakfasted to-day.

EPIGNOMUS: Go in-doors to my house and bathe.

PAMPHILUS: I’ll only step home to my own house, to salute the Gods and my wife.

If I do that as I wish, I’ll forthwith return to your house.

EPIGNOMUS: But your wife is hastening to come here with her sister.

PAMPHILUS: ’Tis very good; there will then be the less delay on that account. I shall be at your house this instant.

ANTIPHO: (to PAMPHILUS.) Before you go away, in your presence I wish to relate a single story to him.

EPIGNOMUS: By all means.

ANTIPHO: There was once an old gentleman, just as I now am; he had two daughters, such as mine now are; they were married to two brothers, just as mine now are to yourselves.

PAMPHILUS: I wonder how the story is to turn out?

ANTIPHO: One of these young men had, as you (to PAMPHILUS) now have, a damsel, a music-girl; he had brought her from abroad, as you have now done. Now, this old gentleman was a widower, just as I now am.

PAMPHILUS: Do proceed; this story is really à propos.

ANTIPHO: Then said this old gentleman to him to whom the music-girl belonged, just as I now say to you—

PAMPHILUS: I’m listening, and carefully giving heed.

ANTIPHO: I gave you my daughter, to be a comfortable bedfellow for you; now, I think it fair that one should be given me in return by you, to be my bed-fellow.

PAMPHILUS: Who says that? Does he say it just as though you were to say it?

ANTIPHO: Just as I now say it to you.

Aye, I’ll give you two of them, says this young man, if one’s too little; and if you are not satisfied with two, says he, two more shall be added.

PAMPHILUS: Prithee, who says that? Does he say it just as though I were to say it?

ANTIPHO: He says it just as though you were to say it. Then says this old gentleman, just as though I were to say it, Well, give me four, if you like, so long only as, i’ faith, you find them something to eat as well, that they mayn’t consume my victuals.

PAMPHILUS: Why surely it must have been a stingy old chap to say that, in asking food as well of him who promised them to him.

ANTIPHO: Why surely, this young man must have been a good-for-nothing fellow, who forthwith, when the other asked him, refused to give him a grain of wheat. But, i’ troth, the old gentleman asked what was fair, inasmuch as the dowry which he had given to his daughter, he wished him to have as an equivalent for the music-girl.

PAMPHILUS: I’ faith, for sure I really do think that the young man was well advised, who wouldn’t give a mistress to that old fellow in return for the dower.

ANTIPHO: The old gentleman wished, indeed, if he could, to bargain for their maintenance; because he couldn’t, he said he wished it to be done on what terms it might.

Done, said this young man. You do me a kindness, said the old gentleman. Have I the thing agreed upon? said he. I’ll do even as you wish it to be done, said the other. But I’ll be off in-doors, and congratulate my daughters on your arrival. Then I’ll go wash me at the bath; there will I take all care of my old age; after that, when I’ve bathed, lying down, I’ll await you at my leisure. (Exit.)

PAMPHILUS: A funny mortal, Antipho; how cleverly he did make up his story.

Even yet the rogue considers himself a young man. A mistress shall be given to the fellow, to sing to the old chap at night in bed; for, i’ faith, indeed, I know not of what other use a mistress can be to him.

But how fares our Parasite, Gelasimus? Is he well, too?

EPIGNOMUS: I’ faith, I saw the fellow not so very long ago.

PAMPHILUS: How fares he?

EPIGNOMUS: Like one half-starved.

PAMPHILUS: Why didn’t you invite the fellow to your house to dinner?

EPIGNOMUS: That on my arrival I mightn’t be wasting anything. But see, here’s the wolf in the Fable; here he is in person with his ravenous fit.

PAMPHILUS: We’ll have some sport with the fellow.

EPIGNOMUS: You put me in mind of a plan I had already resolved on.

(Enter GELASIMUS.)

GELASIMUS:

(to the AUDIENCE.) But as I had begun to tell you; while I have been absent hence,

I’ve now been consulting with my friends and with my relatives. They have been my advisers to the effect that I should this very day kill myself with starvation. But don’t I see Pamphilus with his brother Epignomus? Yes,’tis he. I’ll accost the man. (Goes up to PAMPHILUS.) O longed-for Pamphilus! O my salvation! O my life! O my delight! right welcome. I rejoice that you’ve returned safe from abroad to your native land. Welcome.

PAMPHILUS: Welcome, Gelasimus.

GELASIMUS: Have you been quite well?

PAMPHILUS: I have taken good care of my health.

GELASIMUS: I’ troth, I’m glad of it. I’ faith, I confoundedly wish I had now a thousand measures of silver.

EPIGNOMUS: What need have you of it?

GELASIMUS: I’ faith, that I might invite him to dinner, and not invite you.

EPIGNOMUS: You are talking against your own interest.

GELASIMUS: This, then, that I might invite you both for my part I should not avoid there is nothing so as this

EPIGNOMUS: Troth, now, I’d ask you with pleasure, if there were room left.

GELASIMUS: Well, standing, then, I’ll gobble down a bit in the scramble.

EPIGNOMUS: No, only this one thing can be done.

GELASIMUS: What?

EPIGNOMUS: When the guests have gone, that then you may come—

GELASIMUS: Hurra! capital!

EPIGNOMUS: To wash the pots, I mean; not to dinner.

GELASIMUS: The Gods confound you! What say you, Pamphilus?

PAMPHILUS: I’ troth, this day I’m engaged to dine elsewhere abroad.

GELASIMUS: How, abroad?

PAMPHILUS: Really abroad, on my word.

GELASIMUS: How the plague do you like, thus wearied, to be supping abroad?

PAMPHILUS: Which do you advise me?

GELASIMUS: Order a dinner to be cooked at home, and word to be sent to him who invited you.

PAMPHILUS: Shall I dine at home, alone?

GELASIMUS: Why, not alone; invite me.

PAMPHILUS: But I’m afraid lest he should scold me, who has been to this expense for my sake.

GELASIMUS: It may easily be excused—only listen to me; do order a dinner to be cooked at home.

EPIGNOMUS: Not by my advice, indeed, will he act so as to disappoint that person this day.

GELASIMUS: Will you not be off from here? Perhaps you suppose that I don’t see what you’re about. Do you look to yourself, please. (To PAMPHILUS.) How that fellow is gaping after your property just like a hungry wolf. Don’t you know how men are set upon here in the street at night?

PAMPHILUS: So many the more servants will I bid to come and fetch me, that they may protect me.

EPIGNOMUS: He won’t stir—he won’t stir; because you persuade him so earnestly not to go out.

GELASIMUS: Do order a dinner to be cooked at home with all speed for me and for yourself and your wife.

Troth, if you do so, I don’t think you’ll say that you are deceived.

PAMPHILUS: So far as that dinner is concerned, Gelasimus, you may be dinnerless to-day.

GELASIMUS: Are you going abroad to dine?

PAMPHILUS: I’m going to dine at my brother’s, hard by.

GELASIMUS: Is that fixed?

PAMPHILUS: Fixed.

GELASIMUS: By my troth, I hope you may be struck with a stone this day.

PAMPHILUS: I’m not afraid; I shall go through the garden; I’ll not go abroad.

EPIGNOMUS: What say you to that, Gelasimus?

GELASIMUS: You’re entertaining your deputies; keep them to yourself.

EPIGNOMUS: Why, faith,’tis your own business.

GELASIMUS: If, indeed,’tis my own business, avail yourself of my assistance; invite me.

EPIGNOMUS: By my faith, I see, as I fancy, one place still for yourself only, where you may recline.

PAMPHILUS: Really, I do think it may be managed.

GELASIMUS: O light of the city!

EPIGNOMUS: If you can manage to recline in a small compass.

GELASIMUS: Aye, even between two wedges of iron.

As little space as a puppy can lie in, the same will be enough for me.

EPIGNOMUS: I’ll beg for it some way or other; come along. (Pulls him along.)

GELASIMUS: What? This way?

EPIGNOMUS: Yes, to prison. For here, indeed, you’ll not find any further entertainment. Let’s be off, you Pamphilus.

PAMPHILUS: I’ll but salute the Gods: then I’ll pass through to your house forthwith.

GELASIMUS: What then?

EPIGNOMUS: Why, I said that you might go to prison.

GELASIMUS: Well, if you order it,

I’ll go there even.

EPIGNOMUS: Immortal Gods! really, by my troth, this fellow might be induced by a dinner or a breakfast to bear extreme torture.

GELASIMUS: Such is my nature; with anything can I struggle much more easily than with hunger.

EPIGNOMUS: I know it: at my house full long enough has this facility of yours been experienced by me while you were the Parasite of myself and my brother, we ruined our fortunes.

Now I don’t wish you to be made by me from a Gelasimus into a Catagelasimus. (EPIGNOMUS and PAMPHILUS go into their houses.)

GELASIMUS: And are you gone now? Surely he is gone. Now have I need of a wise resolution. Both are gone; consider, Gelasimus, what plan you must adopt. What, I? Yes, you. What, for myself? Yes, for yourself. Don’t you see how dear provisions are? Don’t you see how the kindness and the heartiness of men have vanished? Don’t you see how drolls are set at nought, and how they themselves are sponged upon?

By my troth, not a person shall ever behold me alive on the morrow; for, this instant, in-doors will I load my throat with a bulrush dose. And by this I shall not give cause for men to say that I died of hunger. (Exit.)