Chapter 3

(Enter EPIGNOMUS and STICHUS, followed by some SLAVES.)

EPIGNOMUS: Inasmuch as, my business prosperously carried on, I am returned safe home, thanks do I return to Neptune and to his tempests; to Mercury as well, who in my traffic has aided me, and by my profits has rendered my property fourfold. Those whom formerly I affected with sorrow at my departure, the same shall I now make joyous at my arrival. But already have I met my connexion Antipho, and from bad terms have I returned to friendship with him.

See, prithee, what money can effect. Since, my affairs prospering, he sees that I’ve returned, and brought home great wealth, without any mediators, there on board the ship, upon the deck, we have returned to friendship and good feeling.

Both he and my brother dine with me this day; for yesterday we were both in the same harbour together; but to-day my ship weighed anchor a little the soonest. Take these people in-doors, Stichus, whom I’ve brought with me.

STICHUS: Master, whether I’m silent or speak, I’m sure you know how many hardships I’ve endured in your service; now, on my arrival home, I wish to spend in freedom this one day after these many hardships.

EPIGNOMUS: You ask what’s just and right. Stlchus, you may take this day for yourself; I don’t object to it. Go where you like.

A cask, too, of old wine, I give you to drink.

STICHUS: O, grand! I’ll have my mistress this day.

EPIGNOMUS: Even ten, so long as it is at your own expense.

STICHUS: What?

EPIGNOMUS: What?

STICHUS: I’ll go and dine

’Tis thus it pleases me

EPIGNOMUS: Where do you dine to-day?

STICHUS: This plan have I thus resolved upon. I have a mistress here in the neighbourhood, Stephanium, the servantmaid of your brother. I’m going to invite her; I’ll take her to a pic-nic entertainment at her fellow-servant’s, Sagarinus We both have the same mistress; we are rivals.

EPIGNOMUS: Come then, conduct them in. I grant you this day.

STICHUS: Hold me to blame if I don’t make the most of it. Troth now, I’ll pass through the garden to my mistress, to engage her beforehand for me this evening; at the same time I’ll give my contribution, and bid the dinner to be cooked at Sagarinus’s, or else I’ll go myself and make my marketing as caterer. Sagarinus, a servant for my with stripes to take him home well thrashed,

I’ll make all things to be in readiness here; but I’m delaying myself. And don’t you be surprised (to the AUDIENCE) that men, who are slaves, drink, court, and give invitations to dinner? This is allowed us at Athens. But when I think of it, rather than meet with censure, there’s here, too, another door to the back buildings of our house. I’ll go that way to market; by that way I’ll bring back the provisions—through the garden there’s a passage that communicates with both houses. (To the SLAVES.) Do you follow me this way. I surely will pull this day to bits. (Goes into the house of EPIGNOMUS.)

(Enter GELASIMUS.)

GELASIMUS: (to himself.) I’ve consulted my books; I’m as sure as possible, that by my funny bon mots I shall recover my patron. Now I’m going to see whether he has arrived by this from the harbour, that when he comes I may smooth him down with my speeches.

EPIGNOMUS: Surely, this is Gelasimus, the Parasite, that’s coming.

GELASIMUS: (to himself.) With lucky auspices, by my troth, this day did I come out of doors;

since an omen auspiciously befel me. This was beheld by me; how a weasel carried off a mouse close at my feet. For as she found sustenance for herself this day, so do I hope that I shall do, as the augury predicts.

(Sees EPIGNOMUS.) Surely this is Epignomus that’s standing here; I’ll go and address him. My dear Epignomus, how pleased I am to see you now; how my tears are starting forth for very joy. Have you all along enjoyed your health?

EPIGNOMUS: With care it has been preserved.

GELASIMUS: Right heartily I wish you health.

EPIGNOMUS: You speak kindly, and like a friend. May the Gods grant what you wish.

GELASIMUS:

EPIGNOMUS: I, sup there with you?

GELASIMUS: Since you are returned safe.

EPIGNOMUS: Really, an engagement has been made already; but I give you thanks.

GELASIMUS: Do promise me.

EPIGNOMUS: It’s settled.

GELASIMUS: But do, I say.

EPIGNOMUS: The thing’s agreed on.

GELASIMUS: By my troth, you’d do it with much pleasure to me.

EPIGNOMUS: I know that well.

When an opportunity shall come, it shall be so.

GELASIMUS: Now, then, is the opportunity.

EPIGNOMUS: I’ faith, I cannot.

GELASIMUS: Why make difficulties? Do consider; I have I know not what luxuries at hand.

EPIGNOMUS: Do be off, now; seek for yourself another guest for to-day.

GELASIMUS: You promise, then?

EPIGNOMUS: I would make no difficulty if I could.

GELASIMUS: Really, on my word, one thing, for sure, I promise you, I’d entertain you with pleasure, beyond a doubt, if you would promise.

EPIGNOMUS: Adieu! (Moving.)

GELASIMUS: Have you resolved?

EPIGNOMUS: I have resolved. I shall dine at home.

GELASIMUS: (aside.) Since nothing has been effected this way, I’ll therefore approach him by a more open path, and I’ll speak plainly out.

(To EPIGNOMUS.) Since you, yourself, are not willing to promise to come to me, should you like that I should come to dine with you?

EPIGNOMUS: If it were possible, I should like it; but here are nine other people coming to dine at my house.

GELASIMUS: For my part, I don’t ask that I should recline on the couch; you know that I’m a man for the lower seats.

EPIGNOMUS: But these are deputies of a people, tip-top men they come here as public ambassadors from Ambracia.

GELASIMUS: Let then the deputies of a people, your tip-top men, recline at the tip-top place; I, the lowest, in the lowest quarter.

EPIGNOMUS: It isn’t proper for you to be entertained among deputies.

GELASIMUS: I’faith, and I—I’m a deputy, too, but little it does avail me.

EPIGNOMUS: I intend that to-morrow we shall dine upon the scraps. Sincerely, farewell. (Goes into his house.)

GELASIMUS: By my troth,’tis clear that I’m undone, and by no fault of my own. The number is less than it was before by one Gelasimus. I’m resolved, hereafter, never to believe in a weasel, for I know of no beast more uncertain than her. She who herself is ten times a day shifting her place, from her have I taken my omens in matters of life and death to me! I’m determined to call my friends together, to take counsel how by rule I must starve henceforth. (Exit.)