Chapter 2

(Enter PINACIUM at a distance, with a fishing-rod, hooks, and a basket in his hand.)

PINACIUM: (to himself.) Mercury, who is said to be the messenger of Jove, never bore such pleasing tidings to his father, as I shall e’en now be telling to my mistress.

So loaded do I bear my breast with joy and with delight; and really I don’t care to speak a syllable but in a highflown style. The charms of all the loves and graces do I bring; my heart, too, is overleaping its banks, and overflowing with joyousness.

Now have you the means of acquiring glory, fame, and honor; make haste, Pinacium, exhort your feet to swiftness, grace your message by your deeds, and come to the rescue of your mistress in her need who is so wretched in awaiting the arrival of her husband, Epignomus; just as becomes her does she dote upon her husband, and anxiously long for him. Now, Pinacium, do as pleases you, run on, just as you like; take care and regard no person at the value of a straw; thrust them from the path with your elbows; make right smooth your way. If a, king shall come in your way, upset the king himself forthwith.

GELASIMUS: (apart.) Why, I wonder, is Pinacium running so overladen with baggage? He’s carrying a rod, and a basket, and a fish-hook.

PINACIUM: (to himself.) But yet, I think’tis proper that my mistress should come with entreaty to me, and that she should send envoys to me, and gifts of gold, and chariots in which for me to be borne, for I can’t go on foot. Therefore I shall now go back. (Turns back.) I think it is only proper that I should be approached and addressed with entreaties. And do you really think that it’s mere nonsense or nothing at all that I am now acquainted with?

Blessings so great am I carrying from the harbour, joys so extensive am I bringing, that hardly could my mistress herself presume to wish this of the Gods, if she were to know it. And am I to carry it, then, of my own accord? It pleases me not, nor do I think that the duty of a man. This way does it seem to be better suited to this news of mine; let her come to meet me, let her entreat me to communicate to her this news.

Haughtiness and pride befit prosperous fortunes. But, at last, when I reconsider it, how could she know that I know this? (Turning round.) Well, I can’t do otherwise than return, than speak, than relate it at length, and relieve my mistress of her grief, and both mightily increase the good deeds of my ancestors, and present her with a comfort unhoped for and opportune.

I’ll outdo the deeds of Talthybius, and I’ll set all messengers at nought, and at the same time I’ll think about the running at the Olympic games. But this distance is far too short for the course; how sorry for it I am. How’s this? I see the door’s closed. I’ll go and knock at the door. (Knocks at the door of PHILUMENA’S house.) Open, and make haste, cause the door to be thrown open; away with all delay.

This matter is attended to too carelessly; see how long I’ve been standing here and knocking. Are you indulging yourselves with a nap? I’ll try whether the door or my arms and feet are the stronger. (Knocks and kicks.) I wish much that this door would run away from its master, that for that reason it might meet with a heavy punishment. I’m tired of knocking. Well, be this the last for you. (Knocks again.)

GELASIMUS: (apart.) I’ll go and accost him. (Accosts PINACIUM.) Good day to you.

PINACIUM: And good day to you.

GELASIMUS: Are you turned fisherman, then?

PINACIUM: How long is it since you ate?

GELASIMUS: Whence come you? What are you carrying? Why are you in a hurry?

PINACIUM: About that which is no business of yours, don’t you trouble yourself.

GELASIMUS: What’s there in that? (Taking up the lid of the basket.)

PINACIUM: Snakes, for you to eat.

GELASIMUS: Why are you so pettish?

PINACIUM: If you had any shame, you wouldn’t address me.

GELASIMUS: May I learn the truth from you?

PINACIUM: You may; this day you’ll get no dinner.

(Enter PHILUMENA from her house.)

PHILUMENA: Who now, pray, is breaking this door down? (To GELASIMUS.) Are you doing this? Do you come to me like an enemy?

GELASIMUS: My respects to you; I come at your bidding.

PHILUMENA: And is it for that reason you are breaking down my door?

GELASIMUS: Scold your own people; the offenders are your own. I came to see what you wanted me for. Why, for my own part, I pitied this door.

PINACIUM: For that reason your assistance was given so very readily.

PHILUMENA: Pray, who’s that, talking here so near to us?

GELASIMUS: Pinacium.

PHILUMENA: Where is he? (Looks on each side.)

PINACIUM: (coming forward.) Attend to me, and leave alone that needy Parasite, Philumena.

PHILUMENA: Pinacium.

PINACIUM: That name my elders gave me.

PHILUMENA: What’s your business

PINACIUM: What’s my business, do you ask?

PHILUMENA: Why shouldn’t I ask it?

PINACIUM: What’s yours with me?

PHILUMENA: Do you insult me, impudent fellow? Answer me, this very instant, Pinacium.

PINACIUM: Bid those, then, to let me alone, who are detaining me.

PHILUMENA: Who are detaining you?

PINACIUM: Do you ask me that? A lassitude is in possession of all my limbs.

PHILUMENA: Well, I know right well that it’s not in possession of your tongue.

PINACIUM: With such rapid speed have I been hastening from the harbour, for the sake of your own well-doing.

PHILUMENA: Why, do you bring any good news?

PINACIUM: I bring more, by very much, than you expect.

PHILUMENA: I’m saved, then.

PINACIUM: And I’m done for; lassitude is drinking up my marrow apace.

GELASIMUS: What, then, am I, the marrow of whose stomach, to my sorrow, famine has seized upon?

PHILUMENA: Did you meet any one?

PINACIUM: Many.

PHILUMENA: But any man?

PINACIUM: Very many; but, of the many, not one a greater rascal than he is. (Points at GELASIMUS.)

PHILUMENA: How so?

GELASIMUS: I have been affronted already at his saying uncivil things to me. If you irritate me any further— (Holds up his fist to PINACIUM.)

PINACIUM: I’ faith, you’ll be plaguy hungry to eat me.

GELASIMUS: I’ll cause you to know that assuredly you’ve said that with reason.

PINACIUM: I wish everything to be made clean. (Calls to the SERVANTS from the door.) Bring out here your brooms, and a reed as well, that I may destroy all the labours of the spiders and their plaguy webs, and rout out all their looms. (The SERVANTS bring some brooms.)

GELASIMUS: The poor things will be cold in future.

PINACIUM: What? Do you think that they are just like yourself, with only one coat? Take this broom. (Gives him a broom.)

GELASIMUS: I’ll take it.

PINACIUM: This I’ll take myself. Do you sweep away there.

GELASIMUS: I’ll do so. (Sweeps away.)

PINACIUM: (calling aloud.) Will some one bring here a pail and water?

GELASIMUS: Really, this fellow’s playing the Aedile without the vote of the public even. (The water is brought.)

PINACIUM: Come, do you quickly sweep the ground, and sprinkle before the house.

GELASIMUS: I’ll do so.

PINACIUM: It needs be done.

I’ll knock down the spider-webs there from the door and from the wall.

GELASIMUS: I’ faith, a troublesome business, this.

PHILUMENA: Still, I don’t at all understand what it means; unless, perchance, some guests are about to come?

PINACIUM: (ordering the SERVANTS.) Do you spread the couches.

GELASIMUS: (aside.) The beginning pleases me, about the couches.

PINACIUM: Others, you chop the billets; others, you clean the fish which the fisherman has brought;

take you down the gammon of bacon and the collar of brawn.

GELASIMUS: (aside.) I’ faith, this is a very sensible fellow.

PHILUMENA: By my troth, as I imagine, you haven’t quite minded the directions of your mistress.

PINACIUM: Why, I’ve left all matters unattended to by reason of what you wished.

PHILUMENA: Then do you inform me upon that, on account of which you were sent to the harbour?

PINACIUM: I’ll tell you. After, with the daybreak, you had sent me to the harbour, the sun with its beams opportunely arose from out of the sea. While I was enquiring of the revenue officers whether any ship had arrived from Asia, and they were saying none had come, I beheld, in the meantime, a bark, than which I think I never saw a greater one. With a favouring breeze, and in full sail, it came into harbour.

We were enquiring one of another whose ship it was, and what it carried? In the meantime I espied your husband and his servant Stichus.

PHILUMENA: Ha! what? Did you mention Epignomus?

GELASIMUS: Your husband and my own life.

PINACIUM: He has arrived, I say.

PHILUMENA: Did you see him yourself?

PINACIUM: Yes, and with pleasure too.

GELASIMUS: I’ faith, I’ll surely take the broom, and sweep this place with pleasure.

PINACIUM: He has brought a great amount of silver and gold.

GELASIMUS: ’Tis right cleverly done.

PINACIUM: Wool and purple in plenty.

GELASIMUS: Aye, for me to clothe my carcase with.

PINACIUM: Couches, adorned with ivory and gold.

GELASIMUS: I’ll recline at table right regally.

PINACIUM: Besides—Babylonian coverings for couches, and carpets dyed in purple, has he brought.

GELASIMUS: Abundance of fine things.

I’ faith, his business has been successful.

PINACIUM: Then, as I began to say, female players on the harp, on the pipe, sackbuts too, has he brought with him, of surprising beauty.

GELASIMUS: Capital! When I’m at my wine, I’ll be quite sportive; then am I in merriest pin.

PINACIUM: Besides many unguents of numerous kinds.

GELASIMUS: I’ll not sell my bon mots; I’ll not have an auction now; I’ve got an estate in fee.

Let the mischievous hunters of auctions go to perdition. Hercules, I congratulate thee that the tenths which I vowed to thee are increased.’Tis my hope that at length, by some means or other, I may expel this plaguy famine from my stomach.

PINACIUM: And then, besides, he has brought some Parasites with him.

GELASIMUS: Alas! to my confusion, I’m undone.

PINACIUM: Right funny fellows.

GELASIMUS: I’ faith, I’ll sweep this dust back, which I just now swept together. (Sweeps it back.)

Those bon mots are now on sale, which I was saying I wouldn’t sell. I’m done for: now there is occasion for spiteful persons to rejoice at my misfortune.

Hercules, thou who art a God, thou really hast departed not opportunely.

PHILUMENA: Did you see Pamphilus, the husband of my sister?

PINACIUM: No.

PHILUMENA: Isn’t he there?

PINACIUM: Yes, they said that he had come as well. I ran hither before them, with all speed, that I might bring the welcome tidings.

PHILUMENA: Go in-doors, Pinacium; bid the servants prepare the sacred things for me. (To GELASIMUS.) Fare you well!

GELASIMUS: Do you want me to assist?

PHILUMENA: I have servants enough in the house. (PHILUMENA and PINACIUM go into the house.)

GELASIMUS: (to himself.) In good sooth, Gelasimus, I doubt you have come to but little purpose, if neither he that is here gives you any aid, nor yet he that’s coming.

I’ll off indoors to my books, and take my instructions from the cleverest sayings; for if I don’t drive away those fellows, the Parasites that are coming, most surely I’m undone. (Exit.)