Chapter 5

(PHRONESIUM and ASTAPHIUM appear before the door of the house. Enter STRATOPHANES.) STRATOPHANES: (to himself.) That I should love for this! I’m taking an atonement for my offences to my mistress! That that may be taken by her in kindly part which I’ve squandered before, I’ll add this as well.

But what’s this? I see the mistress and her maid before the house. I must accost her. (Addressing them.) What are you doing here?

PHRONESIUM: Don’t speak to me.

STRATOPHANES: You are too angry. (Pats her on the shoulder.)

PHRONESIUM: Leave me alone. Can’t you possibly cease to be an annoyance to me?

STRATOPHANES: What is the matter, my dear little Astaphium?

ASTAPHIUM: I’ faith, she’s angry with you with good reason.

PHRONESIUM: What, I? I’m not even half spiteful enough to. wards that fellow.

STRATOPHANES: My love, if I have at all offended before,

I present you with this mina of gold. If you smile upon me, deign me a look.

PHRONESIUM: My hand forbids me to believe anything, before it holds in its possession. We require food for the child; we require it for the dame as well, that bathes the child; we require it for the nurse, as well, that she may have a leather bottle full of old wine in ample style, that night and day she may tipple; we stand in need of fire; we want coals, too;

we want swathes, napkins, the cradle, the cradle-bed; oil we want; the child requires flour, for pap; all day we are wanting something; never, in the same one day, can our task be performed, but what there’s always need of something; for the children of officers cannot be reared upon medlars.

STRATOPHANES: Look upon me then. Take this (presenting the money), with which to satisfy these necessities.

PHRONESIUM: (taking it.) Give it me, although it’s very little.

STRATOPHANES: Whatever you shall order, shall be given at your demand. Give me a kiss now. (Tries to kiss her.)

PHRONESIUM: Leave me alone, I say! You are a nuisance!

STRATOPHANES: (aside.) It’s no use, I’m not loved by her; the day wears apace. More than ten pounds of silver have I lost in this short time by reason of my passion.

PHRONESIUM: (giving the money to ASTAPHIUM.) Take this, and carry it away in-doors. (ASTAPHIUM carries it in.) (Enter STRABAX, from the house.)

STRABAX: (to himself.) Where in the world is my mistress?

I get on with no business, either in the country or here, at this rate; I’m spoiling with mouldiness, I’m grown so dreadfully numbed with lying waiting here upon the couch. But look, I perceive her. Hallo! sweetheart, what are you about?

STRATOPHANES: What fellow is that?

PHRONESIUM: One that, upon my honor, I love far more than yourself.

STRATOPHANES: Than myself? In what way?

PHRONESIUM: Why, this way, that you are not to be troublesome to me. (Moves as if going.)

STRATOPHANES: Are you going now, after you’ve got the gold?

PHRONESIUM: What you’ve given me, I’ve put away in-doors.

STRABAX: Come here, sweetheart; I’ve got something to say to you.

PHRONESIUM: Why, I was just coming to you.

STRABAX: To me, my charmer?

PHRONESIUM: In serious truth, i’ faith.

STRABAX: Although I seem a simpleton to you, I like myself to have a bit of recreation. For pretty though you are, you are so to your own loss, unless I amuse myself a bit with you.

PHRONESIUM: Should you like me to embrace you and give you a kiss?

STRABAX: Do whatever you like, I’ll deem it agreable. (She kisses him.)

STRATOPHANES: What, shall I suffer her to be embracing other men before my eyes? I’ faith,’twere better that I were dead. Woman, take your hands off of him, unless, perhaps, by this sword of mine, won from the enemy, you wish yourself and him to die. (Flourishing his sword.)

PHRONESIUM: There’s no use in badinage, Captain. If you want yourself to be loved, with gold, Stratophanes, not with iron, may you prevent him from loving me.

STRATOPHANES: How, the plague, are you pretty or witty, to be fond of a fellow of that description?

PHRONESIUM: (aside, to STRATOPHANES.) Don’t it come to your recollection what an actor once said upon the stage? All people have an eye to their profit, and are not over delicate.

STRATOPHANES: That you could possibly caress this fellow, so dirty and foul!

PHRONESIUM: Although he is dirty, although he is foul, still, he’s pretty to me.

STRATOPHANES: Didn’t I give you some gold?

PHRONESIUM: To me? You gave money for the child’s food.

STRABAX: Now, if you hope to have her, another mina of gold is requisite.

STRATOPHANES: A sore mishap upon these people, and a weighty one!

STRABAX: By all means, keep that by way of provision for your own journey.

STRATOPHANES: What does she owe you?

STRABAX: Three things.

STRATOPHANES: What, pray?

STRABAX: Perfumes, her favours, and kisses.

PHRONESIUM: (apart.) He answers him like for like. (To STRATOPHANES.) But now, at all events, if you do love me, do you give me some little trifle from your most abundant treasures.

STRATOPHANES: Do say, there’s a dear, what it is that I’m to give you; only say. If I have it left, you shall have it.

PHRONESIUM: Mere kickshaws you’re talking about. Be off, be off. (STRABAX kisses her.)

STRATOPHANES: I’ve considered this over with myself. My good sir, take you care, will you, that she don’t inflict a wound upon you, whose teeth are made of iron.

She’s allowing access to her to all in common.

You take your hand off of her.

STRABAX: (striking him.) Then, by my troth, do you take that, with a hearty punch, warlike man!

STRATOPHANES: I’ve given her gold.

STRABAX: And I, silver.

STRATOPHANES: And I a mantle and a purple garment.

STRABAX: And I, sheep and wool; and many other things that she shall ask for I’ll give.’Twere better for you to contest it with me with minae than with menaces.

PHRONESIUM: Upon my faith you are a funny mortal, my Strabax. Prithee, do proceed—

(Aside.) A fool and a madman are contending for their ruin; I’m all right.

STRATOPHANES: Come, younker, do you offer something first.

STRABAX: Why no; do you squander first, and come to ruin.

STRATOPHANES: (to PHRONESIUM.) Well, here’s a talent of silver for you. It’s in Philippean coins. Take it for yourself.

PHRONESIUM: (taking the money.) So much the better. Be one of our family, but live at your own expense.

STRATOPHANES: (to STRABAX.) Where is that which you are going to give? Open your purse-strings.

PHRONESIUM: That’s a challenge.

STRATOPHANES: (to STRABAX.) What are you afraid of?

STRABAX: You are from abroad. I live here (points to his FATHER’S house). I am afraid.

STRATOPHANES: I am not. Walk off, then.

STRABAX: I’m bringing her some sheep fastened in a purse to my neck.

STRATOPHANES: Because I gave that, how I did flounder the fellow.

STRABAX: Why no, indeed, it’s I, who am going to give.

PHRONESIUM: (to STRATOPHANES.) Come in-doors now, prithee, and (to STRABAX) do you then stay with me here.

STRATOPHANES: You will give me your company then?

STRABAX: (to PHRONESIUM.) What say you?

PHRONESIUM: What?

STRABAX: What do you say? What, with this fellow? Am I to be postponed?

STRATOPHANES: I have made my present.

PHRONESIUM: (to STRATOPHANES.) You have given; (pointing to STRABAX) he’s going to give just now; the one I’ve got, the other I expect. But each of the two shall be indulged to his heart’s content.

STRABAX: So be it. As I see the matter stands, that must be taken that’s offered.

STRATOPHANES: Indeed, I shall assuredly not be letting you take possession of my couch.

PHRONESIUM: (aside.) I’ faith, I’ve cleverly netted them, and quite to my satisfaction.

(To the AUDIENCE.) And as I see my affairs successfully managed, yours likewise would I successfully manage. I’ll caress you in reality. If you are disposed to be doing anything, take care, will you, and let me know at once. For the sake of Venus, applaud; this Play is in her honor. Spectators, kindly farewell; grant applause, and then rise up.