Chapter 4

(Enter DINARCHUS.) DINARCHUS: (to himself.) There’s not a person born, nor will there be born, nor can there be found one, to whom I would now wish praises to be given, or on whom attentions bestowed, rather than on Venus. Ye great Gods, how joyous I am, and how I’m transported with joyousness! Such great tidings of joy has Cyamus brought to me this day; that my presents have been esteemed and deemed acceptable by Phronesium. While this now is a delight, then besides this in especial is rare honey-drink to me, that the Captain’s presents are held as disagreable and not acceptable. I’m all enraptured! The ball’s my own; if the Captain’s sent adrift, the woman will be mine. I’m saved, because I’m going to ruin; if I didn’t go to ruin, it’s clear I should die. Now I’ll keep watch, what’s going on there, who goes into the house, who comes out of doors; from here at a distance will I observe what is to be my lot.

Because I’ve got nothing, my feelings remind me of one thing; I’ll do everything by begging.

(Enter ASTAPHIUM, from the house of PHRONESIUM.) ASTAPHIUM: (speaking to her MISTRESS as she comes out.) I’ll cleverly do my duty, mistress; do you only take care that in-doors you do yours as well; love that which you ought, your own interest; clean that fellow thoroughly out. Now, while it pleases the fellow, while he has got something, adapt the opportunity to that purpose. Display all your charms to your lover that you may heighten his joys.

I meantime will stay here behind and watch at this door so long as he is thus transporting his presents home to you; nor, in the meantime, will I admit any one from there to you who may cause you annoyance. Do you go on, just as you please. Are you not diddling these fellows?

DINARCHUS: How now, Astaphium, tell me, who is this fellow that’s on the road to ruin?

ASTAPHIUM: Prithee, were you here?

DINARCHUS: What—am I troublesome?

ASTAPHIUM: More now than you were; for unless a person is of use to us, he is troublesome to us. But, prithee, do lend me your attention, that I may say what I want.

DINARCHUS: Why, what is it? Does it concern myself?

ASTAPHIUM: Not a rap. But what hauls he is making present of in-doors.

DINARCHUS: How? Some new lover?

ASTAPHIUM: A fresh one, and a brimming treasure she has hit upon.

DINARCHUS: Who is he?

ASTAPHIUM: I’ll tell you, but you be mum. Don’t you know this Strabax? (Pointing to his FATHER’S house.)

DINARCHUS: Why shouldn’t I?

ASTAPHIUM: He alone rules the roast here at our house. He just now is a landed estate to us. With right good spirit is he wantonly wasting away his property.

DINARCHUS: He’s on the road to ruin; i’ faith, I, too, have come to ruin.

ASTAPHIUM: You are a simpleton, to expect with words to make undone what is done.

DINARCHUS: Even Thetis, too, in weeping, made lamentation for her son.

Can I not now be admitted in-doors to your house?

ASTAPHIUM: Why so rather than the Captain?

DINARCHUS: Why, because I’ve given more.

ASTAPHIUM: But you were admitted more, when you were giving more; let those who give, in return for that which they give, enjoy our services.

You’ve learnt your letters; since you know them yourself, let others learn them.

DINARCHUS: Let them learn, so long as it is allowed me to con my lesson, that I may not forget what I have paid for.

ASTAPHIUM: In the meantime, while you, who are a master, shall be conning your lesson, she, as well, is desirous to con hers.

DINARCHUS: How so?

ASTAPHIUM: In receiving money ever and anon.

DINARCHUS: For my own part, this very day I gave five minae of silver to be carried to her, besides one for provisions.

ASTAPHIUM: I know that the same was brought; with it we are now enjoying ourselves upon your liberality.

DINARCHUS: For these enemies of mine here to be devouring my property! By heavens, I’d rather that I were dead than submit to that!

ASTAPHIUM: You are a simpleton.

DINARCHUS: How’s that?

ASTAPHIUM: Wait.

DINARCHUS: Why so?

ASTAPHIUM: Because, I’ troth, I’d rather that my enemies should envy me, than I my enemies; for to envy because it goes well with another, and goes badly with yourself, is wretchedness.

Those who are envious, are in want; they who are envied, possess property.

DINARCHUS: May I not be a partaker of the provisions bought with the mina?

ASTAPHIUM: If you wanted to be a partaker, you should have taken half home. For here an account of the receipts is entered just as at Acheron;

we take in-doors; when it’s got by us, it can’t be carried out of doors. (Turning on her heel.) Kindly farewell.

DINARCHUS: (catching hold of her.) Do stay.

ASTAPHIUM: (struggling.) Let me go! Leave off!

DINARCHUS: Do let me go in.

ASTAPHIUM: Yes, to your own house,

DINARCHUS: Aye, but here into your house.

ASTAPHIUM: You cannot go.

DINARCHUS: I can, very well. Do let me try.

ASTAPHIUM: No, wait here; it’s sheer violence to try.

I’d say that you are here, if she wasn’t engaged. (Runs to the door.)

DINARCHUS: Ha! Do stop!

ASTAPHIUM: It’s of no use.

DINARCHUS: Are you going to return or not?

ASTAPHIUM: I’d return, but a voice is calling me that has more influence with me than you have.

DINARCHUS: In one word

I’ll say it.

You’ll receive me?

ASTAPHIUM: You are telling a lie—be off. One word, you said; but now three words have you uttered, and those untrue. (Goes into the house, and shuts the door.)

DINARCHUS: (to himself.) She’s off, and she’s gone hence in-doors That I should endure these things to be done to me. By heavens, enticer, with my cries I’ll be exposing you to ridicule in the street, you who, contrary to law, have received money from many a one. Upon my faith, I’ll forthwith cause your name to be before every magistrate, and after that I’ll sue you for fourfold, you sorceress, you kidnapper of children. By the powers, I’ll now disclose all your disgraceful deeds. Worthless creature that I am, who have lost everything I had! I’m become desperate, and now I haven’t the slightest bit of concern what shoes I wear. But why am I trying here? What, suppose she were to order me to be let in? I could swear in solemn form that I wouldn’t do it if she wished. It’s nonsense. If you thump a goad with your fists, your hands are hurt the most. It’s no good to be angry at a thing of nothing; a creature that doesn’t value you a straw.

(Starting.) But what’s this? O immortal Gods, I see old Callicles, him who was my connexion by marriage, bringing two female slaves in bonds, the one the hair-dresser of this Phronesium, the other his own servant-maid. I’m greatly alarmed! inasmuch as one care has so recently taken possession of my heart, I’m afraid lest all my former misdeeds should be discovered. (Stands aside.)

(Enter CALLICLES, attended by SLAVES, with his MAID-SERVANT and SYRA, bound.) CALLICLES: (to his SERVANT.) Do I use ill language to you, or do I wish you so very ill? According to my ideas, you have both pretty well experienced how mild and gentle a person I am. I interrogated you both, as you were lashed and hanging up by the arms; I well remember it; the way in which you quite confessed each point, I know. Here now, I wish in the same way to learn; do you confess without a punishment.

Although you are both of you of the serpent nature, I tell you beforehand, you mustn’t be having double tongues, lest with your two tongues I should be putting you to death; unless, perhaps, you wish to be taken to the men who go clink, clink.

A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.: Violence forces me to confess the truth; the thongs do so gall my arms.

CALLICLES: But, if you confess the truth to me, you shall be relieved from the chains.

DINARCHUS: (apart.) Even now, what’s the matter, I’m at a loss to know and uncertain; except that still I’m afraid.

SYRA: What I’ve done wrong I know not.

CALLICLES: First of all, then, you stand apart. (They stand apart.) Aye, so; that’s what I mean; that you mayn’t be making signs between you, I’ll be a party-wall. (To his MAID-SERVANT.) Speak you.

A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.: What am I to speak about?

CALLICLES: What was done with the child that my daughter was delivered of? My grandchild, I mean? Tell me the circumstances of the case.

A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.: I gave it to her. (Pointing to SYRA.)

CALLICLES: (to the MAID-SERVANT.) Now hold your tongue. (To SYRA.) Did you receive the child from her?

SYRA: I did receive it.

CALLICLES: (to SYRA.) Hold your tongue; I want no more; you’ve confessed enough.

SYRA: I’m not going to deny it.

CALLICLES: By this you’ve now caused some relief for your shoulder-blades. So far, the account of each of them tallies.

DINARCHUS: (apart.) Ah wretched me!

my doings are now being disclosed, which I hoped would be concealed.

CALLICLES: (to the MAID-SERVANT.) Speak, you. Who bade you give the child to her?

A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.: My elder mistress.

CALLICLES: (to SYRA.) What say you? Why did you receive it?

SYRA: My young mistress entreated me that the child might be brought, and that all this might remain secret.

CALLICLES: (to SYRA.) Speak, you. What did you do with this child?

SYRA: I took it to my mistress.

CALLICLES: What did your mistress do with this child?

SYRA: Gave it at once to my mistress.

CALLICLES: Plague on it, to what mistress?

A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.: There are two of them.

CALLICLES: (to the MAID.) Take you care, unless I ask you anything, only to answer that which I ask of you.

SYRA: The mother, I say, made a present of it to the daughter.

CALLICLES: You are saying more than you did just now.

SYRA: You are asking more.

CALLICLES: Answer me quickly; what did she do, to whom it was given? Tell me.

SYRA: She passed it off as—

CALLICLES: Whose?

SYRA: As her own son.

CALLICLES: As her own son?

Ye Gods, by my trust in you I do appeal to you, how much more easily does another than she to whom it belongs, bring forth another’s child! She, by the labours of another, has brought forth this child without pain. A child blest indeed! two mothers it has got, and grandams two. I’m now afraid how many fathers there may have been. Do see, please, the shocking deeds of women!

A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.: I’ troth, this fraud relates rather to the men than to the women.’Twas a man, and not a woman, that caused her pregnancy.

CALLICLES: I know that too. You were a trusty guardian for it.

A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.: He can do the most, who is strong the most. He was a man; he was the strongest; he prevailed; what he wanted, he carried off.

CALLICLES: And, i’ faith, he too brought a heavy mishap, in fact, upon yourself.

A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.: The thing itself experienced, I myself fully know that, even if you had held your tongue.

CALLICLES: Never, this day, have I been able to made you declare who he was.

A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.: (aside, on catching sight of DINARCHUS.) I’ve held my tongue; but now I shan’t hold my tongue, since he’s here; it’s necessary I should tell.

DINARCHUS: (apart.) I’m petrified; in my wretchedness, I dare not move myself; the matter’s all out! The trial’s now going on here for my life!

These are my misdeeds, this is my folly. I’m in dread how soon I may be named.

CALLICLES: (to the MAID-SERVANT.) Speak out, who was it, debauched my maiden daughter?

A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.: I see him near you. A supporter of the wall.

CALLICLES: Hussy, who was it?

DINARCHUS: (apart.) I’m neither alive nor dead, nor know I what I am now to do; neither know I how to go away hence, nor how to accost him; I’m numbed with fear.

CALLICLES: Will you tell me, or no?

A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.: It is Dinarchus, to whom you first betrothed her.

CALLICLES: (looking round.) Where is this person whom you mention?

DINARCHUS: (stepping forward.) Here I am, Callicles. (Falling on the ground.) By your knees I do entreat you that you will bear with wisdom that which was done in folly; and that you will pardon me that, which, losing my senses, I did through the bad influence of wine.

CALLICLES: You please me not. You throw the blame on what is dumb, that which cannot speak.

But the wine, if it could speak, would defend itself. It’s not wine that’s in the habit of ruling men, but men wine; those, indeed, who are virtuous men; but he who is bad, although he drinks water, or if indeed he abstains from intoxicating liquors, still, by nature he’s bad.

DINARCHUS: Well, I’m sensible that many reproaches must be heard by me, which I would prefer not.

I confess that I’ve offended you, and am privy to the crime.

A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.: Callicles, prithee beware that you do injury to no person; the accused is pleading his cause at large, the witnesses you are keeping in bonds.

CALLICLES: (to his SLAVES.) Release those women. (They are unbound.) Come (to each of them in turn), do you be off home, and you home as well. (To SYRA.) Tell your mistress this: she must give up the child, if any one asks for it. (SYRA goes into the house of PHRONESIUM, and exit the MAID-SERVANT.)

You, Dinarchus, let’s go before the judge.

DINARCHUS: Why do you wish me to go before the judge? You are the Praetor to me. But I entreat of you, Callicles, that you’ll give me your daughter for a wife.

CALLICLES: I’ faith, I find, indeed, that you’ve come to a decision on that point yourself; for you haven’t waited till I gave her; you have helped yourself. Now keep her, as you’ve got her, but I’ll fine you this grand haul;

six great talents will I deduct from her dowry for this folly.

DINARCHUS: You act kindly towards me.

CALLICLES: ’Twere best for you to demand your son back from thence. (Pointing to the house of PHRONESIUM.) But your wife, as soon as possible, take away from my house. I shall at once, therefore, send a messenger to that kinsman of mine by marriage, and tell him to look out for another match for his son. (Exit.)

DINARCHUS: (to himself.) But I’ll demand back the child of her, lest by-and-by she should deny it. That’s of no use; for she herself, of her own accord, has discovered the whole matter to me, how it happened. But see, right opportunely, i’ faith, is she coming out of doors from her house. Assuredly, a far-darting sting has that woman, who even from that distance is wounding my heart. (Stands aside.)

(Enter PHRONESIUM and ASTAPHIUM, from the house of the former.) PHRONESIUM: (to herself.) A woman is a spoony and a trolloping slut, if she hasn’t a view to her own interests, even in her cups.

If her other limbs are soaked in wine, at least let her head be sober. But it’s a vexation to me that my hair-dresser has been thus badly treated. She has been telling me that this child has been discovered to be the son of Dinarchus. When I heard that (She moves, as if going.)

DINARCHUS: (apart.) She’s going, in whose hands are all my fortune and my children.

PHRONESIUM: (seeing DINARCHUS.) I see him who has constituted me the guardian of his property.

DINARCHUS: (coming forward.) Madam, here am I.

PHRONESIUM: It certainly is he. What’s the matter, my love?

DINARCHUS: No love; cease your trifling. I’ve nothing now to do with that subject.

PHRONESIUM: By my faith, I know what you want, and what you desire, and what you ask for. You want to see me; you desire to caress me; you ask for the child.

DINARCHUS: (aside.) Immortal Gods! how plain she speaks. How, in a few words, has she hit upon the very point!

PHRONESIUM: As for me, I know that you are betrothed, and that you have a son by your betrothed, and that a wife is now going to be married by you; that now your thoughts are elsewhere, that myself you are going to consider as forsaken. But still consider, the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is, which never entrusts its life to one hole only;

inasmuch as, if one hole is blocked up, it seeks another as a place of refuge.

DINARCHUS: When there’s leisure, then I’ll talk to you on those matters more at large; at present, give me up the child.

PHRONESIUM: No; do, there’s a dear, let it be at my house the few next days.

DINARCHUS: Certainly not.

PHRONESIUM: Do, there’s a dear.

DINARCHUS: What occasion is there?

PHRONESIUM: It’s for my interest. This for the next three days at least, until the Captain is circumvented somehow;

for that same purpose. If I get anything, it shall be for your own advantage as well. If you take the child away, all hope in the Captain will evaporate from my heart.

DINARCHUS: I would have that done; but, when it’s taken home, to do it again, if I were to wish it, I have not the opportunity. Now make use of the child, and take care of it, because you have the means by which to take care of it.

PHRONESIUM: Upon my faith, I do love you much for this matter. When you shall be afraid of a scolding at home, do you take shelter here in my house. At least, prove a friend, to help me to a profitable speculation.

DINARCHUS: (moving.) Kindly farewell, Phronesium.

PHRONESIUM: Won’t you any longer call me apple of your eye?

DINARCHUS: That name too, meanwhile, shall be repeated full oft.

PHRONESIUM: Do you wish for anything else?

DINARCHUS: Fare thee well; when I have leisure, I’ll come to your house. (Exit.)

PHRONESIUM: Well, he’s gone away from here, and has taken his departure; we may say here whatever we please.

’Tis a true proverb that’s quoted, Where the friends are, there are the riches. Through him, there’s still some hope that the Captain may be duped to-day; whom, by the powers, I love better than my own self,—so long as I get out of him what I want: since, when we have got much, not much of it is seen that has been given. Such are the brilliant prospects of Courtesans!

ASTAPHIUM: Hush! hush! be quiet.

PHRONESIUM: Prithee, what is it?

ASTAPHIUM: The father of the child is coming.

PHRONESIUM: Well, let him come here. Let him, if it only is he, let him come himself straight up to me here just as he chooses.

If he does come, for very sure, i’ faith, I’ll do him to-day with some cunning tricks. (They go into the house.)