Chapter 2

(Enter AMPHITRYON and SOSIA, at the end of the stage.)

AMPHITRYON: Come, do you follow after me.

SOSIA: I’m following; I’m following close after you.

AMPHITRYON: I think that you are the veriest rogue—

SOSIA: But for what reason?

AMPHITRYON: Because that which neither is, nor ever was, nor will be, you declare to me.

SOSIA: Look at that; you are now acting according to your usual fashion, to be putting no trust in your servants.

AMPHITRYON: Why is it so? For what reason? Surely now, by the powers, I’ll cut out that villanous tongue of yours, you villain.

SOSIA: I am yours; do each thing just as it is agreable and as it pleases you.

Still you never can, by any method, hinder me from saying these things just as they took place here.

AMPHITRYON: You consummate villain, do you dare tell me this, that you are now at home, who are here present?

SOSIA: I speak the truth.

AMPHITRYON: A mishap shall the Gods send upon you, and I this day will send it as well.

SOSIA: That’s in your power, for I am your property.

AMPHITRYON: Do you dare, you whip-scoundrel, to play your tricks with me, your master? Do you dare affirm that which no person ever yet before this has seen, and which cannot possibly happen, for the same man to be in two places together at the same time?

SOSIA: Undoubtedly, such as I say is the fact.

AMPHITRYON: May Jupiter confound you!

SOSIA: What evil, master, have I been deemed deserving of in your service?

AMPHITRYON: Do you ask me, you rogue, who are even making sport of me?

SOSIA: With reason might you curse me, if it had not so happened. But I tell no lie, and I speak as the thing really did happen.

AMPHITRYON: This fellow’s drunk, as I imagine.

SOSIA: What, I?

AMPHITRYON: Yes—you there.

SOSIA: I wish I were so.

AMPHITRYON: You are wishing for that which is fact; where have you been drinking?

SOSIA: Nowhere, indeed.

AMPHITRYON: What is this, that is the matter with the fellow?

SOSIA: Really I have told you ten times over. I am both at home now, I say (do you mark me?), and I, Sosia, am with you likewise. Don’t I appear, master, to have told you quite distinctly, and quite circumstantially, that this is so.

AMPHITRYON: Avaunt, get away with you from me.

SOSIA: What’s the matter?

AMPHITRYON: A pestilence possesses you.

SOSIA: But why do you say so to me? I really am quite well and in perfect health, Amphitryon.

AMPHITRYON: But I’ll make you this very day, just as you have deserved, not to be quite so well, and to be miserable instead of your perfect health, if I return home.

Follow me, you who in this fashion are making sport of your master with your crack-brained talk; you, who, since you have neglected to perform what your master ordered, are now come even of your own accord to laugh at your master. Things which neither can happen, and which no one ever yet heard of in talk, you are telling of, you villain; on your back I’ll take care and make those lies to tell this very day.

SOSIA: Amphitryon, this is the most wretched of wretchedness to a good servant, who is telling the truth to his master, if that same truth is overpowered by violence.

AMPHITRYON: Discuss it with me by proofs. Why, how the plague can such a thing happen, for you now to be both here and at home? That I want to be told.

SOSIA: I really am both here and there; this any person has a right to wonder at; nor, Amphitryon, does this seem more. strange to you than to myself.

AMPHITRYON: In what way?

SOSIA: In no degree, I say, is this more strange to you than to myself; nor, so may the Deities love me, did I at first credit Sosia—me myself, until that Sosia, I myself, made me to believe me myself. In order did he relate everything, as each thing came to pass, when we sojourned with the enemy;

and then besides, he has carried off my figure together with my name. Not even is milk more like to milk than is that I myself like to me myself. For when some time since, before daybreak, you sent me from the harbour home before you—

AMPHITRYON: What then?

SOSIA: I had been standing a long time at the door before I had got there.

AMPHITRYON: Plague on it, what nonsense! Are you quite in your senses?

SOSIA: I’m just as you see me.

AMPHITRYON: Some mischief, I know not what, has befallen this fellow from an evil hand since he left me.

SOSIA: I confess it; for I have been most shockingly bruised with his fists.

AMPHITRYON: Who has been beating you?

SOSIA: I myself, who am now at home, beat me myself.

AMPHITRYON: Take you care to say nothing but what I shall ask you. Now, do you answer me. First of all, who this Sosia is, of that I want to be informed.

SOSIA: He is your servant.

AMPHITRYON: Really I have even more than I desire by your own one self. Never, too, since I was born, had I a servant Sosia besides yourself.

SOSIA: But now, Amphitryon, I say this; I’ll make you, I say, on your arrival, meet with another Sosia at home, a servant of yours, besides myself, a son of Davus, the same father with myself, of figure and age as well just like myself. What need is there of words? This Sosia of yours is become twofold.

AMPHITRYON: You talk of things extremely wonderful. But did you see my wife?

SOSIA: Nay, but it was never allowed me to go in-doors into the house.

AMPHITRYON: Who hindered you?

SOSIA: This Sosia, whom I was just now telling of, he who thumped me.

AMPHITRYON: Who is this Sosia?

SOSIA: Myself, I say; how often must it be told you?

AMPHITRYON: But how say you? Have you been sleeping the while?

SOSIA: Not the slightest in the world.

AMPHITRYON: Then, perhaps, you might perchance have seen some Sosia in your dreams.

SOSIA: I am not in the habit of performing the orders of my master in a sleepy fashion. Awake I saw him, awake I now see you, awake I am talking, awake did he, a little while since, thump me about with his fists.

AMPHITRYON: What person did so?

SOSIA: Sosia, that I myself,—he, I say. Prithee, don’t you understand?

AMPHITRYON: How, the plague, can any one possibly understand? You are jabbering such nonsense.

SOSIA: But you’ll know him shortly.

AMPHITRYON: Whom?

SOSIA: You’ll know this servant Sosia.

AMPHITRYON: Follow me this way, then; for it is necessary for me first to enquire into this. But take care that all the things that I ordered are now brought from the ship.

SOSIA: I am both mindful and diligent that what you order shall be performed; together with the wine, I have not drunk up your commands.

AMPHITRYON: May the Gods grant, that, in the event, what you have said may prove untrue. (They stand apart.)

(Enter ALCMENA, from the house, attended by THESSALA.)

ALCMENA: Is not the proportion of pleasures in life and in passing our existence short in comparison with what is disagreable? So it is allotted to each man in life;

so has it pleased the Gods that Sorrow should attend on Pleasure as her companion; but if aught of good befalls us, more of trouble and of ill forthwith attends us. For this do I now feel by experience at home and in relation to myself, to whom delight has been imparted for a very short time, while I had the opportunity of seeing my husband for but one night; and now has he suddenly gone away hence from me before the dawn.

Deserted do I now seem to myself, because he is absent from here, he whom before all I love. More of grief have I felt from the departure of my husband, than of pleasure from his arrival. But this, at least, makes me happy, that he has conquered the foe, and has returned home loaded with glory. Let him be absent, if only with fame acquired he betakes himself home. I shall bear and ever endure his absence with mind resolved and steadfast; if only this reward is granted me, that my husband shall be hailed the conqueror in the warfare, sufficient for myself will I deem it. Valour is the best reward; valour assuredly surpasses all things:

liberty, safety, life, property and parents, country too, and children, by it are defended and preserved. Valour comprises everything in itself: all blessings attend him in whose possession is valour.

AMPHITRYON: (apart.) By my troth, I do believe that I shall come much wished for by my wife, who loves me, and whom, in return, I love: especially, our enterprise crowned with success, the enemy vanquished, whom no one had supposed to be able to be conquered: these, under my conduct and command, at the first meeting, have we vanquished; but I know for sure that I shall come to her much wished for.

SOSIA: (aside.) Well, and don’t you think that I shall come much wished for to my mistress? (AMPHITRYON advances, at a distance, with SOSIA.)

ALCMENA: (to herself.) Surely, this is my husband.

AMPHITRYON: (to SOSIA.) Do you follow me this way.

ALCMENA: (to herself.) But why has he returned, when just now he said that he was in haste? Is he purposely trying me, and is he desirous to make proof of this, how much I regret his departure? By my faith, against no inclination of mine has he betaken himself home.

SOSIA: Amphitryon, it were better for us to return to the ship.

AMPHITRYON: For what reason?

SOSIA: Because there’s no person at home to give us a breakfast on our arrival.

AMPHITRYON: How comes that now into your mind?

SOSIA: Why, because we have come too late.

AMPHITRYON: How so?

SOSIA: Because I see Alcmena standing before the house, with her stomach-full already.

AMPHITRYON: I left her pregnant here when I went away.

SOSIA: Alas, to my sorrow, I’m undone!

AMPHITRYON: What’s the matter with you?

SOSIA: I have come home just in good time to fetch the water in the tenth month after that, according as I understand you to compute the reckoning.

AMPHITRYON: Be of good heart.

SOSIA: Do you know of how good heart I am? By my troth, do you never after this day entrust to me aught that is sacred, if I don’t draw up all the life of that well, if I do but make a beginning.

AMPHITRYON: Do you only follow me this way. I’ll appoint another person for that business; don’t you fear.

ALCMENA: (advancing.) I think that I shall now be doing my duty more, if I go to meet him. (They meet.)

AMPHITRYON: With joy, Amphitryon greets his longed for wife—her, whom of all women in Thebes her husband deems by far the most excellent, and whom so much the Theban citizens truthfully extol as virtuous. Have you fared well all along? Do I arrive much wished for by you?

SOSIA: (aside.) I never saw one more so;

for she greets her own husband not a bit more than a dog.

AMPHITRYON: When I see you pregnant, and so gracefully burdened, I am delighted.

ALCMENA: Prithee, in the name of all that’s good, why, for the sake of mockery, do you thus salute and address me, as though you hadn’t lately seen me—as though now, for the first time, you were betaking yourself homeward here from the enemy?

For now you are addressing me just as though you were seeing me after a long time.

AMPHITRYON: Why, really for my part, I have not seen you at all this day until now.

ALCMENA: Why do you deny it?

AMPHITRYON: Because I have learned to speak the truth.

ALCMENA: He does not do right, who unlearns the same that he has learned. Are you making trial what feelings I possess? But why are you returning hither so soon?

Has an ill omen delayed you, or does the weather keep you back, you who have not gone away to your troops, as you were lately speaking of?

AMPHITRYON: Lately? How long since was this lately?

ALCMENA: You are trying me; but very lately, just now.

AMPHITRYON: Prithee, how can that possibly be as you say?— but very lately, just now.

ALCMENA: Why, what do you imagine? That I, on the other hand, shall trifle with you who are playing with me, in saying that you are now come for the first time, you who but just now went away from here?

AMPHITRYON: Surely she is talking deliriously.

SOSIA: Stop a little while, until she has slept out this one sleep.

AMPHITRYON: Is she not dreaming with her eyes open?

ALCMENA: Upon my faith, for my part I really am awake, and awake I am relating that which has happened; for, but lately, before daybreak, I saw both him (pointing at SOSIA) and yourself.

AMPHITRYON: In what place?

ALCMENA: Here, in the house where you yourself dwell.

AMPHITRYON: It never was the fact.

SOSIA: Will you not hold your peace? What if the vessel brought us here from the harbour in our sleep?

AMPHITRYON: Are you, too, going to back her as well?

SOSIA: (aside to AMPHITRYON.) What do you wish to be done? Don’t you know, if you wish to oppose a raving Bacchanal, from a mad woman you’ll render her more mad—she’ll strike the oftener;

if you humour her, after one blow you may overcome her?

AMPHITRYON: But, by my troth, this thing is resolved upon, somehow to rate her who this day has been unwilling to greet me on my arrival home.

SOSIA: You’ll only be irritating hornets.

AMPHITRYON: You hold your tongue. Alcmena, I wish to ask you one thing.

ALCMENA: Ask me anything you please.

AMPHITRYON: Is it frenzy that has come upon you, or does pride overcome you?

ALCMENA: How comes it into your mind, my husband, to ask me that?

AMPHITRYON: Because formerly you used to greet me on my arrival, and to address me in such manner as those women who are virtuous are wont their husbands. On my arrival home I’ve found that you have got rid of that custom.

ALCMENA: By my faith, indeed, I assuredly did both greet you yesterday, upon your arrival, at that very instant, and at the same time I enquired if you had continued in health all along, my husband, and I took your hand and gave you a kiss.

SOSIA: What, did you welcome him yesterday?

ALCMENA: And you too, as well, Sosia.

SOSIA: Amphitryon, I did hope that she was about to bring you forth a son; but she isn’t gone with child.

AMPHITRYON: What then?

SOSIA: With madness.

ALCMENA: Really I am in my senses, and I pray the Gods that in safety I may bring forth a son; but (to SOSIA) hap-ill shall you be having, if he does his duty: for those ominous words, omen-maker, you shall catch what befits you.

SOSIA: Why really an apple ought to be given to the lady thus pregnant, that there may be something for her to gnaw if she should begin to faint.

AMPHITRYON: Did you see me here yesterday?

ALCMENA: I did, I say, if you wish it to be ten times repeated.

AMPHITRYON: In your sleep, perhaps?

ALCMENA: No—I, awake, saw you awake.

AMPHITRYON: Woe to me!

SOSIA: What’s the matter with you?

AMPHITRYON: My wife is mad.

SOSIA: She’s attacked with black bile; nothing so soon turns people mad.

AMPHITRYON: When, madam, did you first find yourself affected?

ALCMENA: Why really, upon my faith, I’m well, and in my senses.

AMPHITRYON: Why, then, do you say that you saw me yesterday, whereas we were brought into harbour but last night? There did I dine, and there did I rest the livelong night on board ship, nor have I set my foot even here into the house, since, with the army, I set out hence against the Teleboan foe, and since we conquered them.

ALCMENA: On the contrary, you dined with me, and you slept with me.

AMPHITRYON: How so?

ALCMENA: I’m telling the truth.

AMPHITRYON: On my honor, not in this matter, really; about other matters I don’t know.

ALCMENA: At the very break of dawn you went away to your troops.

AMPHITRYON: By what means could I?

SOSIA: She says right, according as she remembers; she’s telling you her dream. But, madam, after you arose, you ought to have sacrificed to Jove, the disposer of prodigies, either with a salt cake or with frankincense.

ALCMENA: A mischief on your head!

SOSIA: That’s your own business, if you take due care.

ALCMENA: Now again this fellow is talking rudely to me, and that without punishment.

AMPHITRYON: (to SOSIA.) You hold your tongue. (To ALCMENA.) Do you tell me now—did I go away hence from you at daybreak?

ALCMENA: Who then but your own self recounted to me how the battle went there?

AMPHITRYON: And do you know that as well?

ALCMENA: Why, I heard it from your own self, how you had taken a very large city, and how you yourself had slain king Pterelas.

AMPHITRYON: What, did I tell you this?

ALCMENA: You yourself, this Sosia standing by as well.

AMPHITRYON: (to SOSIA.) Have you heard me telling about this to-day?

SOSIA: Where should I have heard you?

AMPHITRYON: Ask her.

SOSIA: In my presence, indeed, it never took place, that I know of.

ALCMENA: It would be a wonder if he didn’t contradict you.

AMPHITRYON: Sosia, come here and look at me.

SOSIA: (looks at him.) I am looking at you.

AMPHITRYON: I wish you to tell the truth, and I don’t want you to humour me. Have you heard me this day sav to her these things which she affirms?

SOSIA: Prithee now, by my troth, are you, too, mad as well, when you ask me this, me, who, for my part, my own self now behold her in company with you for the first time?

AMPHITRYON: How now, madam? Do you hear him?

ALCMENA: I do, indeed, and telling an untruth.

AMPHITRYON: Do you believe neither him nor my own self, your husband?

ALCMENA: No; for this reason it is, because I most readily believe myself, and I am sure that these things took place just as I relate them.

AMPHITRYON: Do you say that I came yesterday?

ALCMENA: Do you deny that you went away from here to-day?

AMPHITRYON: I really do deny it, and I declare that I have now come home to you for the first time.

ALCMENA: Prithee, will you deny this too, that you to-day made me a present of a golden goblet, with which you said that you had been presented?

AMPHITRYON: By heavens, I neither gave it nor told you so: but I had so intended, and do so now, to present you with that goblet. But who told you this?

ALCMENA: Why, I heard it from yourself, and I received the goblet from your own hand. (She moves as if going.)

AMPHITRYON: Stay, stay, I entreat you. Sosia, I marvel much how she knows that I was presented there with this golden goblet, unless you have lately met her and told her all this.

SOSIA: Upon my faith, I have never told her, nor have I ever beheld her except with yourself.

AMPHITRYON: What is the matter with this person?

ALCMENA: Should you like the goblet to be produced?

AMPHITRYON: I should like it; to be produced.

ALCMENA: Be it so. Do you go, Thessala, and bring from indoors the goblet, with which my husband presented me today. (THESSALA goes into the house, and AMPHITRYON and SOSIA walk on one side.)

AMPHITRYON: Sosia, do you step this way. Really, I do wonder extremely at this beyond the other wondrous matters, if she has got this goblet.

SOSIA: And do you believe it, when it’s carried in this casket, sealed with your own seal. (He shows the casket.)

AMPHITRYON: Is the seal whole?

SOSIA: Examine it.

AMPHITRYON: (examining it.) All right, it’s just as I sealed it up.

SOSIA: Prithee, why don’t you order her to be purified as a frantic person?

AMPHITRYON: By my troth, somehow there’s need for it, for, i’ faith, she’s certainly filled with sprites. (ALCMENA.)

ALCMENA: What need is there of talking? See, here’s the goblet; here it is.

AMPHITRYON: Give it me.

ALCMENA: Come, now then, look here, if you please, you who deny what is fact, and whom I shall now clearly convict in this case.

Isn’t this the goblet with which you were presented there?

AMPHITRYON: Supreme Jupiter! what do I behold? Surely this is that goblet. Sosia, I’m utterly confounded.

SOSIA: Upon my faith, either this woman is a most consummate juggler, or the goblet must be in here (pointing to the casket.)

AMPHITRYON: Come, then, open this casket.

SOSIA: Why should I open it? It is securely sealed. The thing is cleverly contrived;

you have brought forth another Amphitryon, I have brought forth another Sosia; now if the goblet has brought forth a goblet, we have all produced our doubles.

AMPHITRYON: I’m determined to open and examine it.

SOSIA: Look, please, how the seal is, that you may not hereafter throw the blame on me.

AMPHITRYON: Now do open it. For she certainly is desirous to drive us mad with her talking.

ALCMENA: Whence then came this which was made a present to me, but from yourself?

AMPHITRYON: It’s necessary for me to enquire into this.

SOSIA: (opening the casket.) Jupiter, O Jupiter!

AMPHITRYON: What is the matter with you?

SOSIA: There’s no goblet here in the casket.

AMPHITRYON: What do I hear.

SOSIA: That which is the truth.

AMPHITRYON: But at your peril now, if it does not make its appearance.

ALCMENA: (showing it.) Why, it does make its appearance.

AMPHITRYON: Who then gave it you?

ALCMENA: The person that’s asking me the question.

SOSIA: (to AMPHITRYON.) You are on the catch for me, inasmuch as you yourself have secretly run before me hither from the ship by another road, and have taken the goblet away from here and given it to her, and afterwards you have secretly sealed it up again.

AMPHITRYON: Ah me! and are you too helping her frenzy as well? (To ALCMENA) Do you say that we arrived here yesterday?

ALCMENA: I do say so, and on your arrival you instantly greeted me, and I you, and I gave you a kiss.

SOSIA: (aside.) That beginning now about the kiss doesn’t please me.

AMPHITRYON: Go on telling it.

ALCMENA: Then you bathed.

AMPHITRYON: What, after I bathed?

ALCMENA: You took your place at table.

SOSIA: Bravo, capital! Now make further enquiry.

AMPHITRYON: (to SOSIA.) Don’t you interrupt. (To ALCMENA.) Go on telling me.

ALCMENA: The dinner was served; you dined with me; I reclined together with you at the repast.

AMPHITRYON: What, on the same couch?

ALCMENA: On the same.

SOSIA: Oh dear, I don’t like this banquet.

AMPHITRYON: Now do let her give her proofs. (To ALCMENA.) What, after we had dined?

ALCMENA: You said that you were inclined to go to sleep; the table was removed; thence we went to bed.

AMPHITRYON: Where did you lie?

ALCMENA: In the chamber, in the same bed together with your. self.

AMPHITRYON: You have proved my undoing.

SOSIA: What’s the matter with you?

AMPHITRYON: This very moment has she sent me to my grave.

ALCMENA: How so, pray?

AMPHITRYON: Don’t address me.

SOSIA: What’s the matter with you?

AMPHITRYON: To my sorrow I’m undone, since, in my absence from here, dishonor has befallen her chastity.

ALCMENA: In heaven’s name, my lord, why, I beseech you, do I hear this from you?

AMPHITRYON: I, your lord? False one, don’t call me by a false name.

SOSIA: (aside.) ’Tis an odd matter this, if indeed he has been made into my lady from my lord.

ALCMENA: What have I done, by reason of which these expressions are uttered to me?

AMPHITRYON: You yourself proclaim your own doings; do you enquire of me in what you have offended?

ALCMENA: In what have I offended you, if I have been with you to whom I am married?

AMPHITRYON: You, been with me? What is there of greater effrontery than this impudent woman? At least, if you were wanting in modesty of your own, you might have borrowed it.

ALCMENA: That criminality which you lay to my charge befits not my family. If you try to catch me in incontinence, you cannot convict me.

AMPHITRYON: Immortal Gods! do you at least know me, Sosia?

SOSIA: Pretty well.

AMPHITRYON: Did I not dine yesterday on board ship in the Persian Port?

ALCMENA: I have witnesses as well, who can confirm that which I say.

SOSIA: I don’t know what to say to this matter, unless, perchance, there is another Amphitryon, who, perhaps, though you yourself are absent, takes care of your business, and who, in your absence, performs your duties here. For about that counterfeit Sosia it is very surprising. Certainly, about this Amphitryon, now, it is another matter still more surprising.

AMPHITRYON: Some magician, I know not who, is bewildering this woman.

ALCMENA: By the realms of the supreme Sovereign I swear, and by Juno, the matron Goddess, whom for me to fear and venerate it is most especially fitting, that no mortal being except yourself alone has ever touched my person in contact with his so as to render me unchaste.

AMPHITRYON: I could wish that that was true.

ALCMENA: I speak the truth, but in vain, since you will not believe me.

AMPHITRYON: You are a woman; you swear at random.

ALCMENA: She who has not done wrong, her it befits to be bold and to speak confidently and positively in her own behalf.

AMPHITRYON: That’s very boldly said.

ALCMENA: Just as befits a virtuous woman.

AMPHITRYON: Say you so? By your own words you prove it.

ALCMENA: That which is called a dowry, I do not deem the same my dowry;

but chastity, and modesty, and subdued desires, fear of the Gods, and love of my parents, and concord with my kindred; to be obedient to yourself and bounteous to the good, ready to aid the upright.

SOSIA: Surely, by my troth, if she tells the truth in this, she’s perfect to the very ideal.

AMPHITRYON: Really I am so bewildered, that I don’t know myself who I am.

SOSIA: Surely you are Amphitryon; take you care, please, that you don’t peradventure lose yourself; people are changing in such a fashion since we came from abroad.

AMPHITRYON: Madam, I’m resolved not to omit having this matter enquired into.

ALCMENA: I’ faith, you’ll do so quite to my satisfaction.

AMPHITRYON: How say you? Answer me; what if I bring your own kinsman, Naucrates, hither from the ship, who, together with me, has been brought on board the same ship; and if he denies that that has happened which you say has happened, what is proper to be done to you? Do you allege any reason. why I should not at your cost dissolve this our marriage?

ALCMENA: If I have done wrong, there is no reason.

AMPHITRYON: Agreed. Do you, Sosia, take these people in-doors. I’ll bring Naucrates hither with me from the ship. (Exit.)

SOSIA: (going close to ALCMENA.) Now then, there’s no one here except ourselves; tell me the truth seriously, is there any Sosia in-doors who is like myself?

ALCMENA: Won’t you hence away from me, fit servant for your master?

SOSIA: If you command me, I’m off, (Goes into the house.)

ALCMENA: (to herself.) By heavens, it is a very wondrous proceeding, how it has pleased this husband of mine thus to accuse me falsely of a crime so foul.

Whatever it is, I shall now learn it from my kinsman Naucrates. (Goes into the house.)