Chapter 4

(Enter ERGASILUS

ERGASILUS: Supreme Jove! thou dost preserve me, and dost augment my means. Plenty, extreme and sumptuous, dost thou present to me;

celebrity, profit, enjoyment, mirth, festivity, holidays, sights, provisions, carousings, abundance, joyousness. And to no man have I now determined with myself to go a-begging; for I’m able either to profit my friend or to destroy my enemy, to such extent has this delightful day heaped delights upon me in its delightfulness.

I have lighted upon a most rich inheritance without incumbrances. Now will I wend my way to this old gentleman Hegio, to whom I am carrying blessings as great as he himself prays for from the Gods, and even greater. Now, this is my determination, in the same fashion that the slaves of Comedy are wont, so will I throw my cloak around my neck, that from me, the first of all, he may learn this matter.

And I trust that I, by reason of this news, shall find provision up to the end.

(Enter HEGIO, at a distance.)

HEGIO: (to himself.) The more that I revolve this matter in my breast, the more is my uneasiness of mind increased. That I should have been duped in this fashion to-day! and that I wasn’t able to see through it!

When this shall be known, then I shall be laughed at all over the city. The very moment that I shall have reached the Forum, all will be saying, This is that clever old gentleman, who had the trick played him. But is this Ergasilus, that I see coming at a distance? Surely he has got his cloak gathered up; what, I wonder, is he going to do?

ERGASILUS: (advancing, and talking to himself.) Throw aside from you all tardiness, Ergasilus, and speed on this business. I threaten, and I strictly charge no person to stand in my way, unless any one shall be of opinion that he has lived long enough. For whoever does come in my way, shall stop me upon his face. (He runs along, flourishing his arms about.)

HEGIO: (to himself.) This fellow’s beginning to box.

ERGASILUS: (to himself.) I’m determined to do it; so that every one may pursue his own path, let no one be bringing any of his business in this street; for my fist is a balista, my arm is my catapulta, my shoulder a battering-ram; then against whomsoever I dart my knee, I shall bring him to the ground. I’ll make all persons to be picking up their teeth, whomsoever I shall meet with.

HEGIO: (to himself.) What threatening is this? For I cannot wonder enough.

ERGASILUS: I’ll make him always to remember this day and place, and myself as well. Whoever stops me upon my road, I’ll make him put a stop to his own existence.

HEGIO: (to himself.) What great thing is this fellow preparing to do, with such mighty threats?

ERGASILUS: I first give notice, that no one, by reason of his own fault, may be caught—keep yourselves in-doors at home, and guard yourselves from my attack.

HEGIO: (to himself.) By my faith, ‘tis strange if he hasn’t got this boldness by means of his stomach. Woe to that wretched man, through whose cheer this fellow has become quite swaggering.

ERGASILUS: Then the bakers, that feed swine, that fatten their pigs upon refuse bran, through the stench of which no one can pass by a baker’s shop; if I see the pig of any one of them in the public way,

I’ll beat the bran out of the masters’ themselves with my fists.

HEGIO: (to himself.) Royal and imperial edicts does he give out. The fellow is full; he certainly has his boldness from his stomach.

ERGASILUS: Then the fishmongers, who supply stinking fish to the public—who are carried about on a gelding, with his galloping galling pace — the stench of whom drives all the loungers in the Basilica into the Forum, I’ll bang their heads with their bulrush fish-baskets, that they may understand what annoyance they cause to the noses of other people. And then the butchers, as well, who render the sheep destitute of their young—who agree with you about killing lamb, and then offer you lamb at double the price— who give the name of wether mutton to a ram—if I should only see that ram in the public way, I’ll make both ram and owner most miserable beings.

HEGIO: (to hieiself.) Well done! He really does give out edicts fit for an Aedile, and ‘tis indeed a surprising thing if the Aetolians haven’t made him inspector of markets.

ERGASILUS: No Parasite now am I, but a right royal king of kings; so large a stock of provision for my stomach is there at hand in the harbour. But why delay to overwhelm this old gentleman Hegio with gladness? With him, not a person among mankind exists equally fortunate.

HEGIO: (apart.) What joy is this, that he, thus joyous, is going to impart to me?

ERGASILUS: (knocking at HEGIO’S door.) Hallo, hallo!—where are you? Is any one coming to open this door?

HEGIO: (apart.) This fellow’s betaking himself to my house to dine.

ERGASILUS: Open you both these doors, before I shall with knocking cause the destruction, piecemeal, of the doors.

HEGIO: (apart.) I’d like much to address the fellow. (Aloud.) Ergasilus!

ERGASILUS: Who’s calling Ergasilus?

HEGIO: Turn round, and look at me.

ERGASILUS: (not seeing who it is.) A thing that Fortune does not do for you, nor ever will do, you bid me to do.

But who is it.

HEGIO: Look round at me.’Tis Hegio.

ERGASILUS: (turning round.) O me! Best of the very best of men, as many as exist, you have arrived opportunely.

HEGIO: You’ve met with some one at the harbour to dine with; through that you are elevated.

ERGASILUS: Give me your hand.

HEGIO: My hand?

ERGASILUS: Give me your hand, I say, this instant.

HEGIO: Take it.

(Giving him his hand.)

ERGASILUS: Rejoice.

HEGIO: Why should I rejoice?

ERGASILUS: Because I bid you; come now, rejoice.

HEGIO: I’ faith, my sorrows exceed my rejoicings.

ERGASILUS: ’Tis not so, as you shall find; I’ll at once drive away every spot of sorrow from your body. Rejoice without restraint.

HEGIO: I do rejoice, although I don’t at all know why I should rejoice.

ERGASILUS: You do rightly; now order—

HEGIO: Order what?

ERGASILUS: A large fire to be made.

HEGIO: A large fire?

ERGASILUS: So I say, that a huge one it must be.

HEGIO: What, you vulture, do you suppose that for your sake I’m going to set my house on fire?

ERGASILUS: Don’t be angry. Will you order, or will you not order, the pots to be put on, and the saucepans to be washed out, the bacon and the dainties to be made warm in the heated cooking-stoves, another one, too, to go purchase the fish?

HEGIO: This fellow’s dreaming while awake.

ERGASILUS: Another to buy pork, and lamb, and pullets.

HEGIO: You understand how to feed well, if you had the means.

ERGASILUS: Gammons of bacon, too, and lampreys, spring pickled tunny-fish, mackerel, and sting-ray; large fish, too, and soft cheese.

HEGIO: You will have more opportunity, Ergasilus, here at my house, of talking about these things than of eating them.

ERGASILUS: Do you suppose that I’m saying this on my own account?

HEGIO: You will neither be eating nothing here to-day, nor yet much more than usual, so don’t you be mistaken.

Do you then bring an appetite to my house for your every-day fare.

ERGASILUS: Why, I’ll so manage it, that you yourself shall wish to be profuse, though I myself should desire you not.

HEGIO: What, I?

ERGASILUS: Yes, you.

HEGIO: Then you are my master.

ERGASILUS: Yes, and a kindly disposed one. Do you wish me to make you happy?

HEGIO: Certainly I would, rather than miserable.

ERGASILUS: Give me your hand.

HEGIO: (extending his hand.) Here is my hand.

ERGASILUS: All the Gods are blessing you.

HEGIO: I don’t feel it so.

ERGASILUS: Why, you are not in a quickset hedge, therefore you don’t feel it; but order the vessels, in a clean state, to be got for you forthwith in readiness for the sacrifice, and one lamb to be brought here with all haste, a fat one.

HEGIO: Why?

ERGASILUS: That you may offer sacrifice

HEGIO: To which one of the Gods?

ERGASILUS: To myself, i’ faith, for now am I your supreme Jupiter. I likewise am your salvation, your fortune, your life, your delight, your joy.

Do you at once, then, make this Divinity propitious to you by cramming him.

HEGIO: You seem to me to be hungry.

ERGASILUS: For myself am I hungry, and not for you.

HEGIO: I readily allow of it at your own good will.

ERGASILUS: I believe you; from a boy you were in the habit—

HEGIO: May Jupiter and the Gods confound you.

ERGASILUS: I’ troth, ‘tis fair that for my news you should return me thanks; such great happiness do I now bring you from the harbour.

HEGIO: Now you are flattering me.

Begone, you simpleton; you have arrived behind time, too late.

ERGASILUS: If I had come sooner, then for that reason you might rather have said that. Now, receive this joyous news of me which I bring you; for at the harbour I just now saw your son Philopolemus in the common fly-boat, alive, safe and sound, and likewise there that other young man together with him, and Stalagmus your slave, who fled from your house, who stole from you your little son, the child of four years old.

HEGIO: Away with you to utter perdition! You are trifling with me.

ERGASILUS: So may holy Gluttony love me, Hegio, and so may she ever dignify me with her name, I did see—

HEGIO: My son?

ERGASILUS: Your son, and my good Genius.

HEGIO: That Elean captive, too?

ERGASILUS: Yes, by Apollo

HEGIO: The slave, too? My slave Stalagmus, he that stole my son—?

ERGASILUS: Yes, by Cora.

HEGIO: So long a time ago?

ERGASILUS: Yes, by Praeneste!

HEGIO: Is he arrived?

ERGASILUS: Yes, by Signia!

HEGIO: For sure?

ERGASILUS: Yes, by Phrysinone!

HEGIO: Have a care, if you please.

ERGASILUS: Yes, by Alatrium!

HEGIO: Why are you swearing by foreign cities?

ERGASILUS: Why, because they are just as disagreable as you were declaring your fare to be.

HEGIO: Woe be to you!

ERGASILUS: Because that you don’t believe me at all in what I say in sober earnestness. But of what country was Stalagmus, at the time when ne departed hence?

HEGIO: A Sicilian.

ERGASILUS: But now he is not a Sicilian—he is a Boian; he has got a Boian woman. A wife, I suppose, has been given to him for the sake of obtaining children.

HEGIO: Tell me, have you said these words to me in good earnest?

ERGASILUS: In good earnest.

HEGIO: Immortal Gods, I seem to be born again, if you are telling the truth.

ERGASILUS: Do you say so? Will you still entertain doubts, when I have solemnly sworn to you? In fine, Hegio, if you have little confidence in my oath, go yourself to the harbour and see.

HEGIO: I’m determined to do so. Do you arrange in-doors what’s requisite. Use, ask for, take from my larder what you like; I appoint you cellarman.

ERGASILUS: Now, by my troth, if I have not prophesied truly to you, do you comb me out with a cudgel.

HEGIO: I’ll find you in victuals to the end, if you are telling me the truth.

ERGASILUS: Whence shall it be?

HEGIO: From myself and from my son.

ERGASILUS: Do you promise that?

HEGIO: I do promise it.

ERGASILUS: But I, in return, promise you that your son has arrived.

HEGIO: Manage as well as ever you can.

ERGASILUS: A happy walk there to you, and a happy walk back.

(Exit HEGIO.)

(ERGASILUS, alone)

ERGASILUS: He has gone away from here, and has entrusted to me the most important concern of catering. Immortal Gods how I shall now be slicing necks off of sides; how vast a downfall will befall the gammon; how vast a belabouring the bacon! How great a using-up of udders, how vast a bewailing for the brawn!

How great a bestirring for the butchers, how great a preparation for the porksellers! But if I were to enumerate the rest of the things which minister to the supply of the stomach, ‘twould be sheer delay. Now will I go off to my government, to give laws to the bacon, and, those gammons that are hanging uncondemned, to give aid to them.

(Goes into the house.)

(Enter a LAD, a servant of HEGIO.)

A LAD: May Jupiter and the Deities confound you, Ergasilus, and your stomach, and all Parasites, and every one who henceforth shall give a dinner to Parasites. Destruction and devastation and ruin have just now entered our house. I was afraid that he would be making an attack on me, as though he had been an hungry wolf. And very dreadfully, upon my faith, was I frightened at him; he made such a gnashing with his teeth. On his arrival, the whole larder, with the meat, he turned upside down.

He seized a knife, and first cut off the kernels of the neck from three sides. All the pots and cups he broke, except those that held a couple of gallons; of the cook he made enquiry whether the salting pans could be set on the fire to be made hot. All the cellars in the house he has broken into, and has laid the store-closet open. (At the door.) Watch him, servants, if you please; I’ll go to meet the old gentleman.

I’ll tell him to get ready some provisions for his own self, if, indeed, he wishes himself to make use of any. For in this place, as this man, indeed, is managing, either there’s nothing already, or very soon there will be nothing.

(Exit.)