Chapter 4

(Enter the CHOREGUS, as CHORUS.)

THE CHOREGUS: By my faith, Phaedromus has cleverly met with this clever rogue; but whether a salt-water rogue or a dry-land one I’m the rather to say he is, I really don’t know. The costume that I’ve lent I fear I shan’t get back.

Although I have nothing whatever to do with him (I trusted Phaedromus himself), still I’ll keep an eye upon him. But until he comes out of doors, I’ll point out in what place you may easily meet with each person, that he mayn’t lose his labour through too much trouble, if any one wishes to meet either a rascal or one without rascality, or an honest man or a dishonest one.

He who desires to meet with a perjured fellow, let him go into the courts of law; he who wants a liar and a braggart, near the rites of Cloacina. The rich and erring husbands seek you at the magisterial halls of the Basilica. There, too, will be the worn-out harlots, and those who are wont to haggle for them. Contributors to pic-nic dinners you’ll find in the fishmarket.

In the lower part of the Forum good men and opulent do walk; in the middle, near the canal, there are the mere puffers-off. Beyond the lake of Curtius are impudent, talkative, and malevolent fellows, who boldly, without reason, utter calumnies about another, and who, themselves, have sufficient that might with truth be said against them.

There, at the old shops, are these who lend and those who borrow at interest. Behind the Temple of Castor there are those to whom unguardedly you may be lending to your cost. There, in the Etrurian street, are those men who hold themselves on sale. In the Velabrum you’ll find either baker, or butcher, or soothsayer; either those who sell retail themselves, or supply to others things to be sold by retail.

Rich sinning husbands you’ll find at the house of Oppian Leucadia. But, meantime, the door makes a noise; I must curb my tongue. (Exit.)

(Enter, from the house of CAPPADOX, CURCULIO, leading PLANESIUM, followed by LYCO and CAPPADOX.)

CURCULIO: Maiden, do you go before; what is behind me I cannot keep my eye upon. Both the trinkets of gold, and all the clothing that she had, were his own, he said.

CAPPADOX: No one is going to deny it.

CURCULIO: Still, however, it’s somewhat better for me to remind you.

LYCO: Remember that you’ve undertaken, that, if any one should assert in course of law that she’s properly free, all the money is to be returned to me-thirty minae.

CAPPADOX: I shall remember; be easy about that; and now I say the same.

CURCULIO: But I wish you to remember this well.

CAPPADOX: I remember, and I shall deliver her to you on warranty.

CURCULIO: And am I to take anything on warranty from a Procurer, people who have nothing of their own except a tongue only;

who, if anything’s entrusted them, deny it upon oath? You Procurers dispose of what belongs to others, you give liberty to what belongs to others, and what belongs to others your give your commands to; no guarantee of ownership is there in the transfer to yourselves, nor are you yourselves guarantees to another person. The race of Procurers, among mortals, in my way of thinking at least, are just like flies, gnats, bugs, lice, and fleas—a plague, a mischief, and a nuisance; you are of no serviceable use, and no respectable person dares to stand with you in the Forum; he that does associate with you, they censure him, he’s spat upon and abused; they say that he has lost his property and his honor, although he has done nothing at all.

LYCO: Upon my faith, my clever one-eyed friend, in my way of thinking, you are well acquainted with the Procurers.

CURCULIO: You bankers, i’ faith, I put and place in the same rank; you are the very counterparts of them. They, at least, are on sale in dark corners, you in the very Forum. You tear men to pieces with usury, they by persuading them amiss and by means of their dens. Full many a proposed statute has the public confirmed on your account, which when confirmed you break; some loophole you find out; just as boiling water becomes cold, so do you deem the laws.

LYCO: (aside.) I’d rather I’d held my tongue.

CAPPADOX: Not wrongfully, and with good reason, are you abusive against them.

CURCULIO: If abuse is uttered against those who deserve it not, that I do hold to be abuse; but if it is uttered against those who are deserving, it is fair censure, in my way of thinking, at least.

I care nothing about your warranty, nor about any other Procurer whatever. Lyco, do you want anything with me?

LYCO: Heartily fare you well.

CURCULIO: Farewell. (Going.)

CAPPADOX: Hark you! I say to you—

CURCULIO: Say on; what do you want?

CAPPADOX: Prithee do you take care that all’s well with her (pointing to PLANESIUM); I’ve brought her up in my house carefully and in chastity.

CURCULIO: If you have such compassion for her, pray, what would you give for it to be all well with her?

CAPPADOX: A plaguy mishap for yourself.

CURCULIO: You need take due care on that score about yourself.

CAPPADOX: (to PLANESIUM, who is weeping.) Why, simpleton, do you cry? Don’t be afraid; upon my faith, I’ve sold you favourably. Take care, will you, and be a good girl; now prettily accompany him, pretty one.

LYCO: Summanus, do you want anything with me at present?

CURCULIO: Fare you well, and health attend you. (Aside.) For you’ve kindly given me your services and your money.

LYCO: Give abundant greetings to my patron.

CURCULIO: I’ll give them. (Exit with PLANESIUM.)

LYCO: Procurer, do you wish for anything?

CAPPADOX: Give me those ten minae for me to manage for myself with, until things are better with me.

LYCO: They shall be paid; order them to be fetched to-morrow. (Exit.)

CAPPADOX: Since I’ve successfully finished the matter, I wish to return thanks here in the Temple. For long since, when a little girl, I bought her for ten minae; but him who sold her to me, never since then have I set eyes upon.

I think he’s dead. What matters that to me? I’ve got the money. The man to whom the Gods are propitious, for him, no doubt, they throw gain in his way. Now will I give my attention to my devotions; it’s clear that he has a kind regard for me. (Goes into the Temple.)

(Enter THERAPONTIGONUS. and LYCO.)

THERAPONTIGONUS: I’m come now, inflamed with wrath in no moderate degree, but with that same with which I’ve learned to deal destruction upon cities.

At once now, unless this moment you make haste instantly to pay me the thirty minae which I left with you, make haste to lay down your life.

LYCO: By my troth, to no little mischief do I now devote you, but to that same to which I am wont to devote that man to whom I owe nothing at all.

THERAPONTIGONUS: Don’t you be making yourself bold with me, or suppose that I shall be entreating you.

LYCO: And you, indeed, shall never force me to pay you what has been paid, nor shall I give it you.

THERAPONTIGONUS: I thought this, when I entrusted you with it, that you would repay nothing at all.

LYCO: Why then are you now asking it back of me?

THERAPONTIGONUS: I wish to know to whom you have paid it.

LYCO: To your one-eyed freed-man; he said that he was called Summanus; I paid it to him, who brought me this sealed letter. (Gives him the letter.)

THERAPONTIGONUS: What letter of mine, what one-eyed freed-man, what people called Summanus are you dreaming about? I really have no freed-man at all.

LYCO: You act more wisely than a portion of the military men who have freed-men, and then forsake them.

THERAPONTIGONUS: What have you done?

LYCO: What you requested me, I’ve done for your sake, that I mightn’t slight the messenger who had brought your seal’s impression.

THERAPONTIGONUS: More fool than fool were you to give credit to this letter.

LYCO: To that by which matters both public and private are carried on ought I not to have given credit? I’ll be off; the money has been properly paid you. Warrior, farewell.

THERAPONTIGONUS: How—farewell?

LYCO: Fare you ill then, if you choose,—aye, all your life, so far as I’m concerned. (Exit.)

THERAPONTIGONUS: What shall I do now? Of what use is it that I have caused kings to obey me, if this obscure fellow is this day to laugh at me?

(Enter CAPPADOX, from the Temple.)

CAPPADOX: (to himself.) The man to whom the Gods are propitious, they cannot, I think, be angered with him. After I ad finished my devotions, it then came into my mind, lest the banker should abscond, to go fetch the money, that I may make good cheer rather than he.

THERAPONTIGONUS: I had left my compliments for you at your house.

CAPPADOX: Therapontigonus Platagidorus, save you; since you are come safe to Epidaurus this day, at my house—you won’t lick up one grain of salt.

THERAPONTIGONUS: You give me a kind invitation; things, however, are in a train for it to go badly with yourself. But how fares my purchase at your house?

CAPPADOX: Why, not at my house at all.

Don’t be bringing your witnesses—assuredly, I don’t owe you anything.

THERAPONTIGONUS: How’s that?

CAPPADOX: What I was bound on oath to do, I’ve done.

THERAPONTIGONUS: Will you give me up the girl or not, before I spit you with this sabre of mine, you whip-scoundrel?

CAPPADOX: I bid you go to perdition with all my heart; don’t you be terrifying me.

She has been carried off; you shall be carried off hence away from me, beyond a doubt, if you persist in abusing me, to whom I owe nothing but a punishing.

THERAPONTIGONUS: What, threaten me with a punishing?

CAPPADOX: Aye, and by my troth, I’ll not be threatening, but I’ll give it, if you persist in being impertinent to me.

THERAPONTIGONUS: A Procurer, forsooth, threatening me; and are my combats in battle, so many in number, lying trodden under foot? But so may my sabre and my shield trustily aid me when fighting in the field; unless the girl is restored to me, I’ll at once cause the ants to carry you away piecemeal from this spot.

CAPPADOX: And so may my tweezers, my comb, my looking-glass, my crisping-iron, and my hair-scissors and scrubbing-towel love me well,

I don’t value your high-sounding words, nor these big threats of yours, a bit the more than my servant-girl that washes out my sink. I’ve given her up to him who brought the money from you.

THERAPONTIGONUS: What person was that?

CAPPADOX: He said that he was Summanus, your freed-man.

THERAPONTIGONUS: Mine? You don’t say so; i’ faith, it’s that Curculio that has put a trick upon me, when I think upon it; he stole my ring from me.

CAPPADOX: (aside.) The Captain has been finely appointed to a cashiered company.

THERAPONTIGONUS: Where now shall I find Curculio?

CAPPADOX: In some wheat with the greatest ease I’ll make you find even five hundred Curculios instead of one. Therefore I’m off; fare you well, and my service to you. (Exit.)

THERAPONTIGONUS: Fare you ill, a plague attend you. What shall I do? Shall I stop or go away? That I should have been imposed upon in this way!

I’d like to give a reward to him who would point out that fellow to me. (Exit.)