Chapter 2

(Enter APAECIDES and PERIPHANES, from the house of the former.)

APAECIDES: Mostly all men are ashamed when they have no occasion to be; when they ought to be ashamed, then does shame forsake them, when there’s a necessity for their being ashamed. That man, in fact, are you. What is there to be ashamed of in your bringing home a wife, poor, but born of good family? Especially her, whose daughter you say this girl is, who is at your house?

PERIPHIANES: I have some regard for my son.

APAECIDES: But, i’ faith, the wife whom you buried I thought you had felt some respect for;

whose tomb as oft as you see, you straightway sacrifice victims to Orcus; and not without reason, in fact, since you’ve been allowed to get the better of her by surviving her.

PERIPHIANES: Ah me! I was a Hercules while she was with me; and, upon my faith, the sixth labour was not more difficult to Hercules than the one that fell to my lot.

APAECIDES: I’ faith, money’s a handsome dowry.

PERIPHIANES: Troth, so it is, which isn’t encumbered with a wife.

(Enter EPIDICUS, from the house of CHAERIBULUS, softly crossing the stage.)

EPIDICUS: (at the door, as he enters.) Hist! hist! be silent, and have good courage; with a fair omen have I come out of doors, the bird upon the left hand. (Pointing to his head.) I’ve got a sharp knife, with which to embowel the old man’s purse;

but see! here he is before the house of Apaecides, the two old fellows, just as I want. Now I shall change me into a leech, and suck out the blood of these who are called the pillars of the Senate.

PERIPHIANES: Let him be married at once.

APAECIDES: I approve of your design.

PERIPHIANES: For I’ve heard that he’s entangled with love with a certain music-girl, I don’t know who. At that I’m vexed to death.

EPIDICUS: (apart.) By my troth, all the Deities do aid, amplify, and love me; really, these men themselves are pointing out to me the way by means of which I’m to get the money out of them. Now then, come, equip yourself, Epidicus, and throw your cloak about your neck (suiting the action to the word.)

and pretend as though you had been in search of the man all the city over. On with it, if you are going to do it! (He hurries past the OLD MEN as though he didn’t see them, and calls out aloud.) Immortal Gods! I do wish I could meet with Periphanes at home, whom I’m tired with searching for all over the city, throughout the doctors’ shops, throughout the barbers’ shops, in the gymnasium, and in the Forum, at the perfumers’ shops and the butchers’ stalls, and round about the bankers’ shops.

I’m become hoarse with enquiring; I’ve almost dropped down with running.

PERIPHIANES: Epidicus!

EPIDICUS: (looking round.) Who is it that’s calling Epidicus back?

PERIPHIANES: It’s I, Periphanes.

APAECIDES: And I, Apaecides.

EPIDICUS: And I, indeed, am Epidicus. But, master, I find that you’ve both met me at the nick of time.

PERIPHIANES: What’s the matter?

EPIDICUS: Wait, wait! (puffs and blows.) prithee, do let me get breath!

PERIPHIANES: By all means, rest yourself.

EPIDICUS: I’m quite faint;

I must recover my breath.

APAECIDES: Do rest yourself at your leisure.

EPIDICUS: Lend me your attention. All the men of the army have been remanded home from Thebes.

APAECIDES: Who knows for certain that this has been done?

EPIDICUS: I say that it has been done.

PERIPHIANES: Are you sure of that?

EPIDICUS: I am sure of it.

PERIPHIANES: Why are you sure of it?

EPIDICUS: Because I’ve seen the soldiers marching through the streets in shoals. They are bringing back their arms and their baggage-horses.

PERIPHIANES: Very good indeed!

EPIDICUS: Then, what prisoners they’ve got with them! boys, girls, in twos and threes; another one has got five; there’s a crowd in the streets; they are looking out each for his son.

PERIPHIANES: I’ troth, a business very well managed!

EPIDICUS: Then, filly as many of the courtesans as there are in the whole city were going decked out each to meet her lover;

they were going to trap them; that’s the fact, inasmuch as I gave especial attention to it; several of these had with them nets beneath their garments. When I came to the harbour, forthwith I espied her waiting there, and with her were four music-girls.

PERIPHIANES: With whom, Epidicus?

EPIDICUS: With her whom your son has been loving and doting on for years, with whom he’s making all haste to ruin credit, property, himself, and yourself. She was on the lookout for him at the harbour.

PERIPHIANES: Just see the sorceress now!

EPIDICUS: But decked out, sparkling with gold, and adorned so splendidly! so nicely! so fashionably!

PERIPHIANES: What was she drest in? Was it a royal robe, or was it a plain dress?

EPIDICUS: A skylight one, according as these women coin names for garments.

PERIPHIANES: What! was she dressed in a skylight?

EPIDICUS: What’s there wonderful in that? As though many women didn’t go through the streets decked out with farms upon them. But when the tax is demanded, they declare it cannot be paid; while to these hussies, to whom a larger tax is paid, it can be paid. Why, what new names every year these women are finding for their clothing— the thin tunic, the thick tunic, your fulled linen cloth, chemises, bordered shifts’ the marigold or saffron-coloured dress, the under-petticoat or else the light vermilion dress, the hood, the royal or the foreign robe, the wave pattern or the feather-pattern, the wax or the apple-tint. The greatest nonsense! From dogs, too, do they even take the names.

PERIPHIANES: How so?

EPIDICUS: They call one the Laconian. These names compel men to make auctions.

PERIPHIANES: But do you say on as you commenced.

EPIDICUS: Two other women behind me began to speak thus between themselves; I, like my wont, went away a little distance from them; I pretended that I wasn’t attending to their talk: I didn’t quite hear all, and still I wasn’t deceived in a word they said.

PERIPHIANES: I long to hear it.

EPIDICUS: Then one of them said to the other with whom she was talking—

PERIPHIANES: What?

EPIDICUS: Be quiet then, that you may hear. After they had caught sight of her whom your son is dying for: Prithee, how happily and luckily has it befallen that woman for her lover to be wishing to set her free. Who is he?

said the other. She mentioned Stratippocles.

PERIPHIANES: Troth now, I’m undone; what is it I hear of you?

EPIDICUS: That which really took place. After this, I myself, when I heard them talking, began again to draw closer towards them little by little, as though the crowd of people was pushing me, whether I would or no.

PERIPHIANES: I understand.

EPIDICUS: Then the one asked the other, How do you know? Why, because a letter has been brought her to-day from Stratippocles; that he has borrowed money on interest from a banker at Thebes; that it is ready, and he himself has brought it for that purpose.

PERIPHIANES: Tell on—I’m undone!

EPIDICUS: She said that she had heard so from her and from the letter which she had seen.

PERIPHIANES: What am I to do now? I ask your advice, Apaecides.

APAECIDES: Let us find some clever, useful expedient; for he, indeed, will either be here just now, or is here already.

EPIDICUS: If it were right for me to be wiser than you, I could give you some good advice, which you will praise, I fancy, both of you—

PERIPHIANES: Then where is it, Epidicus?

EPIDICUS: Yes, and useful for this purpose,

APAECIDES: Why do you hesitate to mention it?

EPIDICUS: It’s proper for yourselves, who are the wiser, to be the first to speak, and for me to speak afterwards.

PERIPHIANES: Aye, aye, of course—come, say on.

EPIDICUS: But you’ll laugh at me.

APAECIDES: On my word, we will not do so.

EPIDICUS: Well then, if it pleases you, use my advice; if it doesn’t please you, find better.

There’s neither sowing nor reaping for me in this matter; only that I do wish the same that you wish.

PERIPHIANES: I return you thanks. Make us partakers in your wisdom.

EPIDICUS: Let a wife at once be chosen for your son; and so take vengeance on this music-girl whom he wants to liberate, and who is corrupting him for you; and so let it be managed, that even until her dying day she may remain a slave.

APAECIDES: It ought to be so managed.

PERIPHIANES: I am ready to do anything, so long only as this may be brought about

EPIDICUS: Well then, now there’s an opportunity of doing so, before he comes into the city, as to-morrow he will be here; to-day he will not have come.

PERIPHIANES: How do you know?

EPIDICUS: I do know, because another person told me, who came from there, that he would be here in the morning.

PERIPHIANES: Then say you what we are to do.

EPIDICUS: I’m of opinion that you ought to do thus:

you must pretend as though you were desirous to give her liberty to the music-girl for your own whim, and as though you were violently in love with her.

PERIPHIANES: To what advantage does that tend?

EPIDICUS: Do you ask that? Why, that you may purchase her beforehand with money, before your son comes, and may say that you bought her to set her at liberty—

PERIPHIANES: I understand.

EPIDICUS: When she’s bought, you must remove her somewhere out of the city; unless your own feelings are any way opposed.

PERIPHIANES: O no, skilfully suggested.

EPIDICUS: But what say you, Apaecides?

APAECIDES: Why, what should I? Except that I think you’ve contrived it very cleverly.

EPIDICUS: Then, in consequence, all thoughts of marriage with her will be removed from him, so that he will make no difficulties as to what you wish.

APAECIDES: Long life to you, wise as you are, it really does please us.

EPIDICUS: Do you then skilfully do whatever you are going to do.

PERIPHIANES: I’ faith, you speak to the purpose.

EPIDICUS: I have found, too, how this suspicion may be removed from yourself.

PERIPHIANES: Let me know it.

EPIDICUS: You shall know it; just listen.

APAECIDES: He’s come with a breast full of counsel.

EPIDICUS: There’s need of a person to carry the money there for the music-girl; but there’s no equal necessity for yourself to do it.

PERIPHIANES: Why so?

EPIDICUS: Lest he should think you are doing it for the sake of your son—

PERIPHIANES: Cleverly thought of!

EPIDICUS: By which means you’ll keep him away from her;

lest any difficulty might arise by reason of that suspicion.

PERIPHIANES: What person shall we find suited to this purpose?

EPIDICUS: (pointing to APAECIDES.) He will be the best; he will be able to take all due precautions, as he understands the laws and ordinances.

PERIPHIANES: Epidicus, receive my thanks. But I’ll attend to this with all care.

EPIDICUS: I’ll find him and bring him here to you, to whom the music-girl belongs;

and I’ll take the money along with him. (Pointing to APAECIDES.)

PERIPHIANES: For how much, at the lowest, can she be bought?

EPIDICUS: What, she? Perhaps she might possibly be bought at the lowest for forty minae; but if you give me more, I shall return it. There’s no trickery in this matter. This money, too, of yours won’t be locked up ten days.

PERIPHIANES: How so?

EPIDICUS: Why, because another young man is dying with love for this woman, one abounding in money, a great warrior, a Rhodian, a spoiler of his foes, a boaster; he’ll buy her of you, and give the money with pleasure. You only do it; there’s a large profit for you here.

PERIPHIANES: I really pray the Gods it may be so.

EPIDICUS: You’ll obtain your prayer.

APAECIDES: Why then, don’t you go in-doors and bring the money out here? I’ll go visit the Forum. Epidicus, do you come thither.

EPIDICUS: (to APAECIDES.) Don’t you go away from there before I come to you.

APAECIDES: I’ll wait till then.

PERIPHIANES: (to EPIDICUS.) Do you follow me in-doors.

EPIDICUS: Go and count it out; I’ll not detain you at all. (Exit APAECIDES, and PERIPHANES goes into his house.)

(EPIDICUS, alone.)

EPIDICUS: (to himself.) I do think that in the Attic land there is no spot of land so fertile as is this Periphanes of ours; why, from the locked and sealed-up money-chest I summon forth silver just as much as I please.

But this, i’ troth, I am afraid of, that if the old man should come to know it, he’ll be making parasites of elm-twigs, to be shaving me quite clean. But one matter and consideration disturbs me—what music-girl, one that goes out on hire, I’m to show to Apaecides. (He muses.) And that as well I’ve got: this morning the old gentleman bade me bring for him on hire some music-girl to his house here, to sing for him while he was performing a sacrifice. She shall be hired, and be instructed beforehand in what way she’s to prove herself cunning towards the old man. I’ll away in-doors; I’ll get the money out of the swindled old fellow. (He goes into the house of PERIPHANES.)