Chapter 3

(Enter STRATIPPOCLES and CHAERIBULUS, from the house of the latter.)

STRATIPPOCLES: I’m distractedly in suspense and worn to the heart with waiting how the fair promises of Epidicus will turn out for me. I’ve been tormented too long. Whether there is to be anything, or whether there is not, I wish to know.

CHAERIBULUS: For all these resources you may still seek some other resources for yourself. For my part, I knew at the first, or the instant, that there was no help for you in him.

STRATIPPOCLES: Upon my faith, I’m ruined!

CHAERIBULUS: You act absurdly in tormenting yourself in mind. By my troth, if I should catch him, I would never allow that slave of a fellow to be laughing at us with impunity.

STRATIPPOCLES: What can you expect him to do, you, who have such great wealth at home, and have not a coin of it, as you say, and have in yourself no resources for your friend?

CHAERIBULUS: I’ faith, if I had had it, I should have proffered it with pleasure; but something in some manner, in some way, in some direction, from some person, some hope I have for you, that there’ll be some good fortune for you to share with me.

STRATIPPOCLES: Woe to you, you sneaking fellow.

CHAERIBULUS: Why does it please you to abuse me?

STRATIPPOCLES: Why, because you are prating to me about something in some manner, from somewhere or other, from some persons, that nowhere exists, and I won’t admit it to my ears. Of no more assistance are you unto me than he who never yet has been born. (They stand near the door of the house of CHAERIBULUS.)

(Enter EPIDICUS, from the house of PERIPHANES, with a bag of money round his neck.)

EPIDICUS: (to PERIPHANES, within the house.) You’ve done your duty then; it now befits me to do mine. Through this care of mine, you may be allowed to be at ease. (In a lower voice.) This, in fact, is now lost to you; don’t at all be setting your hopes on it. (Holding some of the coins in his hands.) How very shining it is! You only trust me for that.

This way I’m going to act, this way my forefathers have acted before me. O ye immortal Gods, what a brilliant day you have bestowed upon me in this how propitious and how favourable to my requests! But why do I delay to take my departure hence, that I may bear this supply with lucky auspices to the colony. I’m delaying while I’m standing here. But what means this? Before the house I see the two companions, my master and Chaeribulus. (Accosting them.) What are you doing? Take this, will you. (Gives STRATIPPOCLES the bag of money.)

STRATIPPOCLES: How much is there in this?

EPIDICUS: As much as is enough, and more than enough; a superabundance; I’ve brought more by ten minae than you owe to the Banker. So long as I please and obey you, I value my own back at a straw.

STRATIPPOCLES: But why so?

EPIDICUS: Because I shall make your father a bag-murderer.

STRATIPPOCLES: What kind of expression is that?

EPIDICUS: I don’t at all care for your old-fashioned and every-day words; you chouse by purses full, but I’ll chouse by bags full. For the procurer took away a whole lot of money for the music-girl (I paid it; with these hands I counted it out), her whom your father supposes to be his own daughter. Now, again, that your father may be deceived, and assistance be provided for you,

I’ve discovered a method. In such a way have I persuaded the old gentleman—and had a talk to this effect, that, when you returned, you might not have possession of her —

STRATIPPOCLES: Bravo!—bravo!

EPIDICUS: She’s now at your house in place of her.

STRATIPPOCLES: I understand.

EPIDICUS: Now he has given me Apaecides by way of guarantee in this matter (he’s waiting for me at the Forum), as if to seem the purchaser.

STRATIPPOCLES: Not a bad precaution!

EPIDICUS: The cautious man’s now taken in himself;

your own father himself placed this purse around my neck. He’s making preparation, that immediately on your arrival home you shall be married.

STRATIPPOCLES: In one way only will he persuade me; if Orcus takes her away from me, who has been brought with me.

EPIDICUS: Now I’ve hit upon this scheme: I’ll go by myself alone to the procurer’s house; I’ll instruct him, if any one comes to him, to say that the money has been paid him for the music-girl; inasmuch as, the day before yesterday, I paid it down with my own hands for this mistress of yours, whom your father takes to be his own daughter. Then the procurer, unknowingly, will be staking his accursed head, as though he had received the money for her who has now been brought here together with you.

CHAERIBULUS: You are more versatile than a potter’s-wheel.

EPIDICUS: Now I’ll get ready some artful music-girl, who’s hired at a didrachm, to pretend that she has been purchased, and cleverly to trick the two old fellows: Apaecides, together with her, will bring her to your father.

STRATIPPOCLES: How adroitly managed!

EPIDICUS: Her, prepared beforehand with my devices, and provided with my schemes, I shall send to him. But I’m talking at too great length; you have delayed me too long: you now know these things how they are to be; I’ll be off.

STRATIPPOCLES: Success attend you! (Exit EPIDICUS.)

CHAERIBULUS: He is very clever at artful tricks.

STRATIPPOCLES: Indeed, by his plans, he has saved me, that’s sure.

CHAERIBULUS: Let’s go hence into my house.

STRATIPPOCLES: Yes, and a little more joyfully than I came out of your house, by the courage and conduct of Epidicus, do I return into camp with the spoil. (They go into the house.)

(Enter PERIPHANES.)

PERIPHIANES: (to herself.) Not only for the sake of the face were it right for men to have a mirror for themselves wherein to look at their faces; but one with which they might be enabled to examine the heart of discretion, and therefore be able to examine the resources of the mind; when they had looked in that, they might afterwards consider how they had once passed their lives in youth. Just as myself, for instance, who, for the sake of my son, began to torment myself in mind, as though my son had been guilty of some offence against, me, or as though my own misdeeds had not been most heavy in my youth. In truth, we old fellows are out of our senses sometimes. This, in my own opinion at least, has proved advantageous. But my friend Apaecides is coming with the spoil.

I’m glad that the negotiator has returned safe. (Enter APAECIDES, with a MUSIC-GIRL.)

PERIPHIANES: How goes it?

APAECIDES: The Gods and Goddesses are favouring you.

PERIPHIANES: The omen pleases me.

APAECIDES: A person with whom all things go on prosperously. But do you order her to be taken in-doors.

PERIPHIANES: (going to the door of his house, and calling.) Hallo there! come out of doors here, some one. (A SERVANT comes out.) Take that woman into the house!

And, do you hear?

SERVANT: What do you desire?

PERIPHIANES: Take care you don’t permit this woman to associate with my daughter, or to see her. Now do you understand? I wish her to be shut up apart in that little chamber; there’s a great difference between the manners of a maiden and a courtesan. (The SERVANT leads the MUSIC-GIRL into the house.)

APAECIDES: You speak cleverly and judiciously; each man cannot keep too strict a guard upon the chastity of his daughter.

Upon my faith, we certainly did forestall this woman from your son just in time.

PERIPHIANES: Why so?

APAECIDES: Because another person told me that he had just seen your son here.

PERIPHIANES: I’ troth, he was stirring in this business.

APAECIDES: Upon my faith, it really is so, clearly.

You really have a clever servant, and worth any price.

PERIPHIANES: At his weight in gold he would not be dear.

APAECIDES: How well he kept that Music-girl quite in ignorance that she was purchased for you; so full of joke and fun did he bring her hither along with him.

PERIPHIANES: It’s wonderful how that could be managed.

APAECIDES: He said that you were going to offer a sacrifice at home for your son, because he had returned safe from Thebes.

PERIPHIANES: He hit upon the right thing.

APAECIDES: Yes, and he himself told her that she had been hired to assist you here in the sacrifice. He said that you were about to perform it, and that you had a sacrifice at home.

But I then made pretence that I was ignorant, as it were, inasmuch as I made myself out half-witted.

PERIPHIANES: Why yes; it was right to do so.

APAECIDES: An important trial of a friend is going on at the Forum; I want to go as his advocate.

PERIPHIANES: Go, and when you have leisure, return to me mediately.

APAECIDES: I’ll be here just now. (Exit.)

PERIPHIANES: (to himself.) Nothing is there more opportune to man than a friend in need; without labour of your own, what you want is done nevertheless. If I had commissioned any one upon this business, a less skilful person, and less fitted for this matter, he would have been gulled; and so, grinning with his white teeth, my son would have most deservedly laughed at me.

But who is this I see coming this way, that with his swaggering makes his scarf to be streaming in the wind? (He stands aside.)

(Enter a CAPTAIN, with his SERVANT.)

A CAPTAIN: (to his SERVANT.) Take care not to pass by any house without asking where lives the old gentleman, Periphanes of Plothea. Take care that you don’t return to me without knowing it.

PERIPHIANES: (coming forward.) Young man, if I point out to you the person whom you are in search of, what thanks shall I get of you?

A CAPTAIN: In arms, by the might of war, I’ve deserved that all people ought to give me thanks.

PERIPHIANES: You haven’t found out, young man, a tranquil spot where to recount your virtues as you wish; for, if an inferior vaunts his battles to a superior, by his lips they become soiled; but this Periphanes of Plothea whom you are seeking, I am he, if you want him for anything.

A CAPTAIN: Him, you mean, who in his youth among kings in arms, by his skill in war, gained vast wealth?

PERIPHIANES: Aye, if you were to hear of my achievements, drop ping your hands you would run off home.

A CAPTAIN: I’ faith, I’m rather in search of one to whom to speak of my own, than of one to be speaking of his to me.

PERIPHIANES: This is not the place for it.

Do you then look out for another person, into whom to stuff your scraps of nonsense. (Aside.) And yet this is folly, for me to impute that to him as a fault, which I myself used to do in my youth when I was a soldier; in recounting my battles I used to tear out men’s ears by the roots, when I had once begun.

A CAPTAIN: Lend your attention, that you may learn what I’ve come to you about. I’ve heard that you have purchased my mistress.

PERIPHIANES: (aside.) Heyday! now at last I know who he is; the officer whom Epidicus was telling me about a short time since. (To the OFFICER.) Young man, it is as you say; I have purchased her.

A CAPTAIN: I want a few words with you, if it is not inconvenient to you.

PERIPHIANES: Upon my faith, I don’t know whether it’s convenient or not, until perhaps you say what you want.

A CAPTAIN: I want you to transfer her to me, and take the ransom.

PERIPHIANES: You may have her.

A CAPTAIN: But why should I hesitate to speak out to you? I wish at once to make her my freed-woman, that she may be my mistress.

PERIPHIANES: I’ll make short work with you; she was bought for me for fifty minae of silver; if sixty minae are paid down to me, I’ll let the damsel employ your holidays, and so assuredly so, that, if you like, you may remove her from this country.

A CAPTAIN: Is she then purchased by me?

PERIPHIANES: On those terms you may have her.

You have made a good bargain. (Going to the door of his house.) Hallo there! bring out of doors the Music-girl you took in. The harp, too, as well, that was thrown in with her, I’ll make you a present of it for nothing.

PERIPHIANES: (MUSIC-GIRL.) (taking her by the hand and leading her to the CAPTAIN.) Come, take her, please.

A CAPTAIN: What madness possesses you? What mystery are you devising for me? Why don’t you order the Music-girl to be brought from in-doors?

PERIPHIANES: Why, this is the Music-girl. There’s no other one here.

A CAPTAIN: You can’t impose on me. Why don’t you bring out here the Music-girl Acropolistis?

PERIPHIANES: This, I tell you, is she.

A CAPTAIN: This, I tell you, is not she. Do you suppose that I can’t know my own mistress?

PERIPHIANES: It was this Music-girl, I tell you, for whom my son was dying with love.

A CAPTAIN: This is not she.

PERIPHIANES: How, not she?

A CAPTAIN: It is not.

PERIPHIANES: Where in the world, then, does, she come from? For my part, i’ faith, I certainly paid the money for her.

A CAPTAIN: Foolishly paid, I guess, and a mighty mistake.

PERIPHIANES: Nay, but this is she; for I sent the servant who is in the habit of attending my son; he himself this moment purchased the Music-girl.

A CAPTAIN: Well then, this fellow has cut you up joint by joint, old gentleman, this servant of yours.

PERIPHIANES: How, cut me up?

A CAPTAIN: Such is my suspicion;

for she has been palmed upon you for that Music-girl. Old gentleman, you’ve been bubbled clearly and cleverly. I shall now go seek her wherever she is.

Warrior, farewell! (Exeunt the OFFICER and SERVANT.)

PERIPHIANES: (stamnping with rage.) Bravo, bravo! Epidicus You’re a clever fellow! You have fought well—you’re a man! you’ve wiped my nose when snivelling, worthless fellow that I am! (To the MUSIC-GIRL.) Did Apaecides purchase you to-day of the procurer? (A pause.) Come now, tell me.

MUSIC-GIRL: I never heard of that person before to-day, nor, indeed, was any one able to purchase me for any money; I’ve been free now for more than five years.

PERIPHIANES: What business have you, then, at my house?

MUSIC-GIRL: You shall hear;

I came, being hired to perform for an old gentleman while he was sacrificing.

PERIPHIANES: I do confess that I am the most worthless of all men in Athens of Attica. But do you know Acropolistis the Music-girl?

MUSIC-GIRL: As well as my own self.

PERIPHIANES: Where does she live?

MUSIC-GIRL: Since she has been made free,

I don’t know for certain.

PERIPHIANES: Well now, I should like to know who has made her free, if you know?

MUSIC-GIRL: That which I have heard, you shall hear; I heard that Stratippocles, the son of Periphanes, had provided in his absence that she should be made free.

PERIPHIANES: By heavens, I’m undone, most clearly, if these things are true. Epidicus has disembowelled my purse!

MUSIC-GIRL: I’ve heard to that effect. Do you want me for anything else?

PERIPHIANES: Away to perdition in the veriest torments, and off this instant!

MUSIC-GIRL: Won’t you give me back my harp?

PERIPHANES: Neither harp nor pipes.

Make haste, then, and escape from here, if the Gods love you!

MUSIC-GIRL: I’ll be off. At a future time, however, you’ll restore it, with the greater disgrace to yourself. (Exit.)

PERIPHIANES: (to himself.) What now? Shall I, who have been placed before so many edicts, allow him to get with impunity? No; even though as much again should be required to be lost, I’ll lose it rather than allow myself to be held in derision with impunity and plundered by them. That I should have been thus cheated openly to my face, and that I should have been set at nought before this Apaecides, who is famed as being the framer and founder of all the laws and ordinances! He too declares that he is a wise man! that the hammer, forsooth, should be wiser than the handle! (He stands aside.)