Chapter 3

(Enter PENICULUS.)

PENICULUS: More than thirty years have I been born yet during that time I never did any more mischievous or more evil trick than this day, when, to my misfortune, I thrust myself into the midst of the assembly. while I was gaping about there, Menaechmus stole away from me, and went, I suppose, to his mistress, and didn’t want to take me. May all the Divinities confound that man who first mischievously devised the holding of an assembly, which keeps men thus engaged. By my troth, is it not fitting that men who are disengaged should be chosen for that purpose? These, when they are cited, if they are not present, let the officers exact the fine forthwith the senate

Abundance of men are there who every day eat their victuals alone, who have no business, who are neither invited nor invite to feast; these ought to give their attendance at the assembly and the law-courts.

If so it had been, this say I shouldn’t have lost my breakfast; to which I deemed myself as much accustomed, as to see myself alive. I’ll go; even yet the hope of the scraps comforts my mind. But why do I see Menaechmus here? He’s coming out of doors with a chaplet on? The banquet is removed; i’ faith, I come just in time to meet him.

I’ll watch the fellow, what he’s about, then I’ll go and accost him. (He steps aside.)

Enter MENAECHMUS SOSICLES, from the house of EROTIUM, with the mantle on.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (speaking to EROTIUM within.) Can’t you rest content, if this day I bring it you back in good time, nicely and properly trimmed? I’ll cause you to say it isn’t itself, so much shall it be disguised.

PENICULUS: (apart.) He’s carrying the mantle to the embroiderer’s, the breakfast finished and the wine drunk up, and the Parasite shut out of doors. By my troth, I’m not the person that I am, if I don’t handsomely avenge this injury and myself.’Tis requisite I should watch I’ll give something.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (to himself.) O ye immortal Gods! on what man ever have you conferred more blessings in one day, who hoped for less?

I’ve been breakfasting, drinking, feasting with a mistress; and I’ve carried off this mantle, of which she shall no more be owner after this day.

PENICULUS: Isn’t he now talking about me, and my share of the repast? I can’t well hear what he says.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (to himself.) She says that I secretly gave her this, and that I stole it away from my wife. When I perceived that she was mistaken, at once I began to assent, as though I really had had acquaintanceship with her. Whatever the woman said, the same said I. What need of many words?

I was never entertained at less expense.

PENICULUS: (apart.) I’ll accost the fellow; for I quite long to have a row.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Who’s this that’s coming up towards me? (Takes off the mantle, and hides it.)

PENICULUS: What say you, you fellow lighter than a feather, most rascally and most abandoned—you disgraceful man—you cheat, and most worthless fellow?

Why have I deserved this of you? For what reason should you ruin me? How you stole yourself away from me just now at the Forum. You’ve been performing the funeral of the breakfast in my absence. Why did you dare to do so, when I was entitled to it in an equal degree?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Young man, prithee, what business with me have you, who are thus purposely insulting a person whom you know not? Do you wish a punishment to be given you for your abuse?

PENICULUS: Do be quiet; by my faith, I discover that you’ve done that already indeed.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Answer me, young man, I beg; what is your name?

PENICULUS: Are you laughing at me, as well, as though you didn’t know my name?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: By my troth, I never saw or knew you, that I’m aware of, before this day; but at all events, whoever you are, if you do what’s right, you won’t be an annoyance to me.

PENICULUS: Don’t you know me?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I shouldn’t deny it if I did know you.

PENICULUS: Menaechmus, awake.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I’ troth, I really am awake, so far as I know.

PENICULUS: Don’t you know your own Parasite?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Young man, I find that your headpiece isn’t sound.

PENICULUS: Answer me; have you not purloined that mantle from your wife to-day, and given it to Erotium?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I’ faith I have no wife, nor have I given the mantle to Erotium, nor have I purloined it.

PENICULUS: Are you really in your senses? This matter’s settled. Did I not see you coming out of doors clad in a mantle?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Woe to your head. Do you think that all people are effeminate rogues because you are one?

Do you declare that I was clothed in a mantle?

PENICULUS: Troth, I really do.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Why don’t you go where you are deserving to go, or else request yourself to be atoned for, you downright madman?

PENICULUS: By my troth, never shall any one prevail upon me not to tell your wife the whole matter now, just as it happened.

All these insults shall be retorted upon yourself. I’ll take care that you shan’t have devoured the breakfast unpunished. (He goes into the house of MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: What’s the meaning of this business? Why, Just as I see each person, do they all make fun of me in this way? But the door makes a noise.

(Enter a MAID-SERVANT, from the house of EROTIUM.)

MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.: Menaechmus, Erotium says that she entreats you much, that at the same opportunity you’ll take this to the goldsmith’s, and add to it an ounce in weight of gold, and order the bracelet to be fashioned anew. (Gives him a bracelet.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Tell her that I’ll attend both to this and anything else that she shall wish, if she wishes anything else attended to.

MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.: Do you know what this bracelet is?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I don’t know, unless it’s of gold.

MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.: This is the same one that you once said that you had secretly stolen out of the closet from your wife.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: By my troth,’twas never done.

MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.: Prithee, don’t you remember it?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Not in the least.

MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.: Give it me back then, if you don’t remember it. (Tries to take it.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Stop. (Pretends to examine the bracelet.)

O yes, I really do remember it; it’s the same, I believe, that I presented to her.

MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.: I’ faith, it is the same.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Where are the clasps which I gave her together with them?

MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.: You never gave her any.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Why, faith, I gave them together with this

MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.: Shall I say that you’ll attend to it?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Do say so; it shall be attended to.

I’ll take care that the mantle and the bracelet are brought back together.

MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.: My dear Menaechmus, do, pray, give me some earrings, the pendants to be made two didrachms in weight; that I may look on you with delight when you come to our house.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Be it so. Give me the gold; I’ll find the price of the workmanship.

MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.: Give it yourself, please; at a future time I’ll give it you back.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: No, give it yourself; at a future time I’ll give it you twofold.

MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.: I haven’t any.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: But when you have it, do you give it me, then.

MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.: Do you wish for aught?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Say that I’ll attend to these things, (aside) to be sold as soon as they can, and for what they’ll fetch.

(The MAID-SERVANT goes into the house.) Has she now gone off in-doors? She’s gone, and has shut the door. Surely all the Gods are favouring, amplifying, and prospering me. But why do I delay while opportunity and time are granted me to get away from these procurers’ dens? Make haste, Menaechmus; pull foot and quicken your pace.

I’ll take off this chaplet, and throw it away on the left hand side (throws the chaplet down), that, if they follow me, they may think I’ve gone in that direction. I’ll go and meet my servant, if I can, that he may learn from me these blessings which the Gods confer upon me.