Chapter 2

(Enter MENAECHMUS SOSICLES and MESSENIO.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: There’s no greater pleasure to voyagers, in my notion, Messenio, than at the moment when from sea they espy the land afar.

MESSENIO: There is a greater, I’ll say it without subterfuge,—if on your arrival you see the land that is your own.

But, prithee, why are we now come to Epidamnus? Why, like the sea, are we going round all the islands?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: To seek for my own twin-brother born?

MESSENIO: Why, what end is there to be of searching for him? This is the sixth year that we’ve devoted our attention to this business.

We have been already carried round the Istrians, the Hispanians, the Massilians, the Illyrians, all the Upper Adriatic Sea, and foreign Greece, and all the shores of Italy, wherever the sea reaches them. If you had been searching for a needle, I do believe you would, long ere this, have found the needle, if it were visible.

Among the living are we seeking a person that’s dead; for long ago should we have found him if he had been alive.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: For that reason I am looking for a person to give me that information for certain, who can say that he knows that he really is dead; after that I shall never take any trouble in seeking further.

But otherwise I shall never, while I’m alive, desist; I know how dear he is to my heart.

MESSENIO: You are seeking a knot in a bulrush. Why don’t we return homeward hence, unless we are to write a history?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Have done with your witty sayings, and be on your guard against a mischief.

Don’t you be troublesome; this matter shan’t be done at your bidding.

MESSENIO: (aside.) Aye, aye; by that same expression do I rest assured that I’m a slave; he couldn’t in a few words have said more in a plain-spoken way. But still I can’t restrain myself from speaking. (Aloud.) Do you hear, Menaechmus? When I look in the purse,

I find, i’ faith, we’re only equipped for our journey like summer travellers. By my troth, I guess, if you don’t be returning home, while you’re seeking your twin-brother, you’ll surely be groaning, when you have nothing left. For such is this race of people; among the men of Epidamnus there are debauchees and very great drinkers;

swindlers besides, and many wheedlers are living in this city; then the women in the harlot line are said nowhere in the world to be more captivating. The name of Epidamnus was given to this city for the very reason, because hardly any person sojourns here without some damnable mishaps.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I’ll guard against that. Just give me the purse this way.

MESSENIO: What do you want with it?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I’m apprehensive then about yourself, from your expressions.

MESSENIO: Why are you apprehensive?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Lest you should cause me some damnable mishap in Epidamnus. You are a great admirer of the women, Messenio, and I’m a passionate man, of an unmanageable disposition;

of both these things will I have a care, when I’ve got the money, that you shall not commit a fault, and that I shall not be in a passion with you.

MESSENIO: (giving him the purse.) Take and keep it; with all my heart you may do so.

(Enter CYLINDRUS, with a basket of provisions.)

CYLINDRUS: I’ve catered well, and to my mind. I’ll set a good breakfast before the breakfasters.

But see, I perceive Menaechmus. Woe to my back; the guests are now already walking before the door, before I’ve returned with the provisions. I’ll go and accost him. Save you, Menaechmus.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: The Gods bless you, whoever you are.

CYLINDRUS: who I am?

MESSENIO: I’ faith, not I, indeed.

CYLINDRUS: Where are the other guests?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: What guests are you enquiring about?

CYLINDRUS: Your Parasite.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: My Parasite? Surely this fellow’s deranged.

MESSENIO: Didn’t I tell you that there were many swindlers here?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: What Parasite of mine, young man, are you enquiring about?

CYLINDRUS: Peniculus.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Where is my?

MESSENIO: See, I’ve got your sponge [Peniculus] all safe in the wallet.

CYLINDRUS: Menaechmus, you’ve come here too soon for breakfast; I’m but now returning with the provisions.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Answer me this, young man: at what price do pigs sell here, unblemished ones, for sacrifice?

CYLINDRUS: At a didrachm a-piece.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (holding out his hand.) Receive, then, a didrachm of me; bid a sacrifice be made for you at my expense; for, by my faith, I really am sure in very truth that you are deranged, who are annoying me, a person that’s a stranger, whoever you are.

CYLINDRUS: I am Cylindrus; don’t you know my name?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Whether you are Cylindrus or Caliendrus, confound you. I don’t know you, and, in fact, I don’t want to know you.

CYLINDRUS: Well, your name, however, is Menaechmus, that I do know.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: You speak like a sane person when you call me by my name. But where have you known me?

CYLINDRUS: Where have I known you, you who have Erotium, this mistress of mine (pointing to the house), for your lady?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: By my troth, I have not, nor do I know yourself what person you are.

CYLINDRUS: Not know who I am, who have many a time filled the cups for your own self at our house, when you’ve been drinking?

MESSENIO: Woe to me, that I’ve got nothing with which to break this fellow’s head.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Are you in the habit of filling the cups for me, who, before this day, have never beheld Epidamnus, nor been there?

CYLINDRUS: Do you deny it?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Upon my honor,, I decidedly do deny it.

CYLINDRUS: Don’t you live in that house? (Pointing to the house of MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: May the Gods send to perdition those that live there.

CYLINDRUS: Surely, this fellow’s mad, who is thus uttering curses against his own self.

Do you hear, Menaechmus?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: What do you want?

CYLINDRUS: If you take my advice, that didrachm, which you just now promised to give me— you would order, if you were wise, a pig to be procured with it for yourself.

For, i’ faith, you really for sure are not in your senses, Menaechmus, who are now uttering curses against your own self.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Alas! By my faith, a very silly fellow, and an annoyance to me.

CYLINDRUS: (to MESSENIO.) He’s in the habit of often joking with me in this fashion. How very droll he is, when his wife isn’t present. How say you—?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: What do you mean, you rascal?

CYLINDRUS: (pointing to the basket.) Has this that you see been provided in sufficient quantity for three persons, or am I to provide still more for yourself and the Parasite and the lady?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: What ladies—what Parasites are you talking about?

MESSENIO: What, you villain, urges you to be an annoyance to him?

CYLINDRUS: Pray what business have you with me? I don’t know you; I’m talking to this person, whom I do know.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: By my troth, you are not a person in his right senses, that I know for sure.

CYLINDRUS: I’ll have these things cooked directly; there shall be no delay. Don’t you be going after this anywhere at a distance from the house. Do you want anything?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: You to go to utter and extreme perdition.

CYLINDRUS: I’ faith,’twere better for you to go in-doors at once and take your place, while I’m subjecting these things to the strength of the fire. I’ll go in-doors now, and tell Erotium that you are standing here, that she may fetch you away hence, rather than you be standing here out of doors. (He goes into the house.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Is he gone then? He is gone. By my faith, I find by experience that your words are not untrue.

MESSENIO: Do you only be on your guard;

for I do believe that some woman in the harlot line is living here, as, in fact. this madman said, who has just gone away from here.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: But I wonder how he came to know my name.

MESSENIO: I’ faith,’tis far from surprising: courtesans have this custom; they send servant-boys and servant-girls down to the harbour;

if any foreign ship comes into port, they enquire of what country it is, and what its name is; after that, at once they set themselves to work, and fasten themselves upon him; if they inveigle him, they send him home a ruined man. Now in this harbour there stands a piratical craft, against which I really think that we must be on our guard.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I’ troth, you really counsel aright.

MESSENIO: Then, in fine, shall I be sure that I’ve counselled aright, if you are rightly on your guard.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Be silent for a moment, then; for the door makes a noise. Let’s see who’s coming out from there.

MESSENIO: Meanwhile, I’ll lay this down. (He puts down the wallet.)

Do you keep watch upon these things, if you please, you sailors.

(Enter EROTIUM from her house.)

EROTIUM: (speacking to her SERVANTS within.) Leave the door ajar thus; begone. I don’t want it shut: prepare, attend, and provide within; what is requisite, let it be done. Lay down the couches, burn the perfumes; neatness, that is the charm for the minds of lovers. Our agreableness is for the lover’s loss, for our own gain. (To herself.) But where is he whom the Cook said was in front of the house? O, I see him there—one who is of service to me, and who profits me very much. And right willingly is such usage shown to him, as he deserves to be of especial importance in my house.

Now I’ll accost him; I’ll address him of my own accord. (To MENAECHMUS.) My dear life, it seems wonderful to me that you are standing here out of doors, for whom the door is wide open, more so than your own house, inasmuch as this house is at your service. Everything’s ready as you requested and as you desired; nor have you now any delay in-doors. The breakfast, as you ordered, is prepared here; when you please, you may go and take your place.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: To whom is this woman addressing herself?

EROTIUM: Why, I’m talking to yourself.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: What business have I ever had with you, or have I now?

EROTIUM: Troth, inasmuch as Venus has willed that you singly above all I should exalt; and that not without your deserving it. For, by my faith, you alone make me, by your kindnesses, to be thriving.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: For sure this woman is either mad or drunk, Messemo, that addresses me, a person whom she knows not in so familiar a way.

MESSENIO: Didn’t I say that these things are in the habit of occurring here? The leaves are falling now; in comparison with this, if we shall be here for three days, the trees will be tumbling upon you. For to such a degree are all these Courtesans wheedlers out of one’s money. But only let me address her. Harkye, woman, I’m speaking to you.

EROTIUM: What’s the matter?

MESSENIO: Where have you yourself known this person?

EROTIUM: In that same place where he has known me for this long time, in Epidamnus.

MESSENIO: In Epidamnus? A man who, until this day, has never put a foot here inside of this city.

EROTIUM: Heyday! You are making fun, my dear Menaechmus. But, prithee, why not go in? There, it will be more suitable for you.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I’ faith, this woman really does address me rightly by my name. I wonder very much what’s the meaning of this business.

MESSENIO: (aside.) That purse that you are carrying has been smelt out by her.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (aside.) I’ faith, and rightly have you put me in mind. Take it, then; I’ll know now whether she loves myself or the purse most. (Gives him the purse.)

EROTIUM: Let’s go in the house to breakfast.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: You invite me kindly; so far, my thanks.

EROTIUM: Why then did you bid me a while since prepare a breakfast for you?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I, bid you prepare?

EROTIUM: Certainly you did, for yourself and your Parasite.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: A plague, what Parasite? Surely this woman isn’t quite right in her senses.

EROTIUM: Peniculus.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Who is this Peniculus The one with which the shoes are wiped clean?

EROTIUM: Him, I mean, who came with you a while ago, when you brought me the mantle which you purloined from your wife.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: What do you mean? I, gave you a mantle, which I purloined from my wife? Are you in your senses?

Surely this woman dreams standing, after the manner of a gelding.

EROTIUM: Why does it please you to hold me in ridicule, and to deny to me things that have been done by you?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Tell me what it is that I deny after having done it?

EROTIUM: That you to-day gave me your wife’s mantle.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Even still do I deny it. Indeed, I never had a wife, nor have I one; nor have I ever set my foot here within the city gate since I was born. I breakfasted on board ship; thence did I come this way, and here I met you.

EROTIUM: See that now; I’m undone, wretched creature that I am! What ship are you now telling me about?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: A wooden one, weather-beaten full oft, cracked full oft, many a time thumped with mallets. Just as the implements of the furrier; so peg is close to peg.

EROTIUM: Now, prithee, do leave off making fun of me, and step this way with me.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: for, madam, you are looking for some other person, I know not whom, not me.

EROTIUM: Don’t I know you, Menaechmus, the son of your father Moschus, who are said to have been born in Sicily, at Syracuse, where King Agathocles reigned, and after him Pintia, the third Liparo, who at his death left the kingdom to Hiero—which Hiero is now king?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: You say, madam, what is not untrue.

MESSENIO: By Jupiter, hasn’t this woman come from there, who knows you so readily?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (apart.) Troth, I think she must not be denied.

MESSENIO: (apart.) Don’t you do it. You are undone, if you enter inside her threshold.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (apart.) But you only hold your tongue The matter goes on well. I shall assent to the woman, whatever she shall say, if I can get some entertainment. Just now, madam (speaking to her in a low voice),

I contradicted you not undesignedly; I was afraid of that fellow, lest he might carry word to my wife about the mantle and the breakfast. Now, when you please, let’s go in-doors.

EROTIUM: Are you going to wait for the Parasite as well?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I’m neither going to wait for him, nor do I care a straw for him, nor, if he should come, do I want him to be admitted in-doors.

EROTIUM: By my faith, I shall do that not at all reluctantly. But do you know what I beg you to do?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Only command me what you will.

EROTIUM: For you to take that mantle which you gave me just now to the embroiderer’s, that it may be trimmed again, and that some work may be added which I want.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I’ faith, you say what’s right; in such a way shall it be disguised that my wife shan’t know that you are wearing it, if she should see you in the street.

EROTIUM: Then take it away with you just now, when you go away.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: By all means.

EROTIUM: Let’s go in-doors. (Goes into her house.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: I’ll follow you this instant; I only wish to speak to this person. So, there! Messenio, step to me this way.

MESSENIO: What’s the matter?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Listen.

MESSENIO: What need for it?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: There is need, I know what you’ll say to me—

MESSENIO: So much the worse.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Hold your tongue I’ve got some spoil; thus much of the business have I begun upon. Go, and, as quick as you can, take away those people at once to an inn. Then do you take care to come and meet me before sunset.

MESSENIO: Don’t you know that these people are harlots, master?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Hold your tongue, I say, and go you away from here. It will cost me pain, not you, if I do anything here that’s foolish.

This woman is silly and inexperienced. So far as I’ve perceived just now, there’s some spoil for us here. (He goes into the house of EROTIUM.)

MESSENIO: I’m undone. Are you going away then? He is certainly ruined; the piratical craft is now leading the boat straight to destruction. But I’m an unreasonable fellow to wish to rule my master; he bought me to obey his orders, not to be his commander.

(To the ATTENDANTS.) Follow me, that, as I’m ordered, I may come in good time to meet my master.