Chapter 1

(Enter PENICULUS.)

PENICULUS: The young men have given me the name of Peniculus, for this reason, because when I eat, I wipe the tables clean. The persons who bind captives with chains, and who put fetters upon runaway slaves, act very foolishly, in my opinion at least. For if bad usage is added to his misfortune for a wretched man, the greater is his inclination to run away and to do amiss. For by some means or other do they release themselves from the chains;

while thus fettered, they either wear away a link with a file, or else with a stone they knock out the nail;’tis a mere trifle this. He whom you wish to keep securely that he may not run away, with meat and with drink ought he to be chained; do you bind down the mouth of a man to a full table.

So long as you give him what to eat and what to drink at his own pleasure in abundance every day, i’ faith he’ll never run away, even if he has committed an offence that’s capital; easily will you secure him so long as you shall bind him with such chains. So very supple are these chains of food, the more you stretch them so much the more tightly do they bind. But now I’m going directly to Menaechmus; whither for this long time I have been sentenced, thither of my own accord I am going, that he may enchain me. For, by my troth, this man does not nourish persons, but he quite rears and reinvigorates them; no one administers medicine more agreably.

Such is this young man; himself with a very well-stocked larder, he gives dinners fit for Ceres; so does he heap the tables up, and piles so vast of dishes does he arrange, you must stand on your couch if you wish for anything at the top. But I have now had an interval these many days, while I’ve been lording it at home all along together with my dear ones;—for nothing do I eat or purchase but what it is most dear. But inasmuch as dear ones, when they are provided, are in the habit of forsaking us, I am now paying him a visit. But his door is opening; and see, I perceive Menaechmus himself; he is coming out of doors.

(Enter MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus, from his house.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: (speaking at the door to his WIFE within.) Unless you were worthless, unless you were foolish, unless you were stark wild and an idiot, that which you see is disagreable to your husband, you would deem to be so to yourself as well. Moreover, if after this day you do any such thing to me, I’ll force you, a divorced woman, turned out of my doors to go visit your father. For as often as I wish to go out of the house, you are detaining me, calling me back, asking me questions;

whither I am going, what matter I am about, what business I am transacting, what I am wanting, what I am bringing, what I have been doing out of doors? I’ve surely brought home a custom-house officer as my wife; so much am I obliged to disclose all my business, whatever I have done and am doing. I’ve had you hitherto indulged too much. Now, therefore, I’ll tell you how I am about to act.

Since I find you handsomely in maids, provisions, wool, gold trinkets, garments, and purple, and you are wanting in nought, you’ll beware of a mischief if you’re wise; you’ll leave off watching your husband. (In a lower voice.) And therefore, that you mayn’t be watching me in vain, for your pains I shall find me a mistress to-day, and invite her to dinner somewhere out of doors.

PENICULUS: (apart.) This fellow pretends that he’s upbraiding his wife, but he’s addressing myself; for if he does dine out of doors, he really is punishing me, not his wife.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: (to himself.) Hurra! I’ troth, by my taunts I’ve driven my wife from the door at last. Where now are your intriguing husbands? Why do they hesitate, all returning thanks, to bring presents to me who have fought so gallantly?

This mantle of my wife’s (taking it from under his cloak) I’ve just now stolen from in-doors, and I’m taking it to my mistress. This way it’s proper for a clever trick to be played this knowing husband-watcher. This is a becoming action, this is right, this is skilful, this is done in workman-like style; inasmuch as at my own risk I’ve taken this from my plague, this same shall be carried off to destruction. With the safety of my allies I’ve gained a booty from the foe.

PENICULUS: (aloud, at a distance.) Harkye! young man; pray what share have I in that booty?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I’m undone; I’ve fallen into an ambuscade.

PENICULUS: Say a safeguard rather. Don’t be afraid.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: What person’s this?

PENICULUS: ’Tis I. (Coming up to him.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: O my convenient friend—O my ready occasion, save you.

PENICULUS: And save you. (they shake hands.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: What are you about?

PENICULUS: Holding my good Genius in my right hand.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: You couldn’t have come to me more à propos than you have come.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus. PENICULUS: I’m in the habit of doing so; I understand all the points of ready occasion.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Would you like to be witness of a brilliant exploit?

PENICULUS: What cook has cooked it? I shall know at once if he has made any mistake, when I see the remnants..

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Tell me—did you ever see a picture painted on a wall, where the eagle is carrying off Ganymede, or Venus Adonis?

PENICULUS: Many a time. But what are these pictures to me?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Come, look at me. Do I at all bear any resemblance to them?

PENICULUS: What’s this garb of yours?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Pronounce me to be a very clever fellow.

PENICULUS: Where are we to feed?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Only do you say that which I requested you.

PENICULUS: Well, I do say so; very clever fellow.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: And don’t you venture to add anything of your own to it?

PENICULUS: — And very pleasant fellow.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Go on.

PENICULUS: I’ faith, I really can’t go on, unless I know for what reason. You’ve had a fall-out with your wife; on that ground am I the more strongly on my guard against you.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: While you are interrupting me, you are delaying yourself.

PENICULUS: Knock out my only eye, Menaechmus, if I speak one word but what you bid me.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: where, unknown to my wife, we will erect the funeral pile and let us consume this day upon it.

PENICULUS: Well, come then, since you request what’s fair, how soon am I to set fire to the pile?

Why really, the day’s half dead already down to its navel.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Come this way from the door.

PENICULUS: Be it so. (Moves from the door.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Come still more this way.

PENICULUS: Very well. (Moves.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus: Even still, step aside boldly from the lioness’s den.

PENICULUS: (still moving.) Well done; by my troth, as I fancy, you really would bean excellent charioteers.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Why so?

PENICULUS: That your wife mayn’t follow you, you are looking back ever and anon.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: But what say you?

PENICULUS: What, I? Why, whatever you choose, that same do I say, and that same do I deny.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Could you make any conjecture at all from the smell, if perchance you were to take a smell at something?

PENICULUS: Were the college of Augurs summoned

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: (holds out the skirt of the mantle.) Come then, take a sniff at this mantle that I’m holding. What does it smell of? Do you decline?

PENICULUS: It’s as well to smell the top of a woman’s garment; for at this other place the nose is offended with an odour that can’t be washed out.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: (holding another part.) Take a smell here then, Peniculus, as you are so daintily nice.

PENICULUS: Very well. (He smells it.)

MENAECHMUS: How now? What does it smell of? Answer me.

PENICULUS: Theft, a mistress, and a breakfast. To you

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: You have spoken out now it shall be taken to this mistress of mine, the Courtesan Erotium. I’ll order a breakfast at once to be got ready, for me, you, and her;

then will we booze away even to the morrow’s morning star.

PENICULUS: Capital. You’ve spoken out distinctly. Am I to knock at the door then?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Knock—or hold, rather.

PENICULUS: You’ve removed the goblet a full mile by that.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Knock gently.

PENICULUS: You’re afraid, I think, that the doors are made of Samian crockery. (Goes to knock.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Hold, prithee, hold, i’ faith; see, she’s coming out herself. (The door of EROTIUM’S house is opened.) Ha you behold the sun, is it not quite darkened in comparison with the bright rays of her person.

(Enter EROTIUM, from her house.)

EROTIUM: My life, Menaechmus, save you.

PENICULUS: And what for me?

EROTIUM: You are out of my number.

PENICULUS: that same thing is wont to be done for the other supernumeraries of the legion.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I would order a skirmish to be got ready there at your house for me to-day.

EROTIUM: To-day it shall be done.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: In that skirmish we two shall drink. Him shall you choose that shall be found there the better warrior with the goblet; do you make up your mind with which of the two you’ll pass this night. How much, my love, when I look upon you, do I hate my wife.

EROTIUM: Meantime, however, you cannot help being wrapped in something of hers. What’s this? (Takes hold of the mantle.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: (taking it off.) ’Tis a new dress for you, and a spoil from my wife, my rosebud.

EROTIUM: You have a ready way of prevailing, so as to be superior in my eyes to any one of those that pay me suit. (Embraces him.)

PENICULUS: (aside.) The harlot’s coaxing in the meantime, while she’s looking out what to plunder

(to EROTIUM) for if you really loved him, by this his nose ought to have been off with your teething him..

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Take hold of this, Peniculus: I wish to dedicate the spoil that I’ve vowed.

PENICULUS: Give it me. (Holds it while MENAECHMUS puts it on.) But, i’ faith, prithee, do dance afterwards with the mantle on in this way.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I—dance? I’ faith, you’re not in your senses.

PENICULUS: Are you or I the most? If you won’t dance, then take it off.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: (to EROTIUM.) At a great risk have I stolen this to-day. In my opinion, indeed, Hercules didn’t ever carry off the belt from Hippolyta with danger as great. Take this for yourself (he takes it off, and gives her the mantle), since you are the only one alive that’s compliant with my humours.

EROTIUM: With such feelings’tis proper that real lovers should be animated.

PENICULUS: (aside.) Those, indeed, who are making haste to bring themselves down to beggary.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: I purchased that for my wife a year since at the price of four minae.

PENICULUS: (aside.) The four minae are clearly gone for ever, as the account now stands.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Do you know what I wish you to attend to?

EROTIUM: I don’t know; but I’ll attend to whatever you do wish.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Order a breakfast, then, to be provided for us three at your house, and some dainties to be purchased at the market;

kernels of boars’ neck, or bacon off the gammon, or pig’s head, or something in that way, which, when cooked and placed on table before me, may promote an appetite like a kite’s: and-forthwith—

EROTIUM: I’ faith, I will.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: We’re going to the Forum: we shall be here just now. While it’s cooking, we’ll take a whet in the meantime.

EROTIUM: Come when you like, the things shall be ready.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.: Only make haste, then. Do you follow me (to PENICULUS.)

PENICULUS: By my troth, I certainly shall keep an eye on you, and follow you. I wouldn’t take the wealth of the Gods to lose you this day. (Exeunt MENAECHMUS and PENICULUS.)

EROTIUM: (speaking at the door of her house.) Call Cylindrus, the cook, out of doors this moment from within.

(Enter CYLINDRUS, from the house.)

EROTIUM: Take a hand-basket and some money. See, you have three didrachmns here. (Giving him money..)

CYLINDRUS: I have so.

EROTIUM: Go and bring some provisions, see that there’s enough for three; let it be neither deficient nor overmuch.

CYLINDRUS: What sort of persons are these to be?

EROTIUM: Myself, Menaechmus, and his Parasite.

CYLINDRUS: Then these make ten, for the Parasite easily performs the duty of eight persons.

EROTIUM: I’ve now told you the guests; do you take care of the rest.

CYLINDRUS: Very well.

It’s cooked already; bid them go and take their places.

EROTIUM: Make haste back.

CYLINDRUS: I’ll be here directly. (Exit CYLINDRUS, and EROTIUM goes into her house.)