Chapter 3

(Enter LYSIMACHUS, with PASICOMPSA, weeping.)

LYSIMACHUS: (to himself.) I’ve lent my assistance to my friend in a friendly manner; this piece of goods, which my neighbour requested me, I’ve purchased. (Turning to PASICOMPSA.) You are my own; then follow me.

Don’t weep. You are acting very foolishly; spoiling such eyes. Why, really you have more reason to laugh than to be crying.

PASICOMPSA: In the name of heaven, prithee, my good old gentleman, do tell me—

LYSIMACHUS: Ask me what you please.

PASICOMPSA: Why have you bought me?

LYSIMACHUS: What, I, bought you? For you to do what you are bidden;

in like manner what you bid me, I’ll do.

PASICOMPSA: I am determined, to the best of my ability and skill, to do what I shall think you desire.

LYSIMACHUS: I shall bid you do nothing of laborious work.

PASICOMPSA: Why, really, for my part, my good old gentleman, I haven’t learnt, i’ faith, to carry burdens, or to feed cattle at the farm, or to nurse children.

LYSIMACHUS: If you choose to be a good girl, it shall be well for you.

PASICOMPSA: Then, i’ faith, to my sorrow, I’m undone.

LYSIMACHUS: Why so?

PASICOMPSA: Because in the place from which I have been conveyed hither, it used to be well with the worthless.

LYSIMACHUS: (aside.) By my troth, her talk alone is worth more than the sum that she was purchased at.

(To PASICOMPSA.) As though you would say that no woman is good.

PASICOMPSA: Indeed I don’t say so; nor is it my way, to say a thing which I believe all people are acquainted with.

LYSIMACHUS: I want to ask this one thing of you.

PASICOMPSA: I’ll answer you when you ask.

LYSIMACHUS: What say you now? What am I to say your name is?

PASICOMPSA: Pasicompsa.

LYSIMACHUS: The name was given you from your good looks. But what say you, Pasicompsa? Can you, if occasion should arise, spin a fine woof?

PASICOMPSA: I can.

LYSIMACHUS: If you know how to do a fine one, I’m sure you can spin a coarser one.

PASICOMPSA: For spinning, I fear no woman that’s of the same age.

LYSIMACHUS: Upon my faith, I take it that you are good and industrious, since, young woman, now that you are grown up, you know how to do your duty.

PASICOMPSA: I’ faith, I learned it from a skilful mistress. I won’t let my work be called in question.

LYSIMACHUS: Well, thus the matter stands, i’ faith. Look now, I’ll give you a sheep for your own, one sixty years old.

PASICOMPSA: My good old gentleman, one so old as that?

LYSIMACHUS: It’s of the Grecian breed. If you take care of it, it is a very good one; it is shorn very easily.

PASICOMPSA: For the sake of the compliment, whatever it is that shall be given me, I shall receive it with thanks.

LYSIMACHUS: Now, damsel, that you mayn’t be mistaken, you are not mine; so don’t think it.

PASICOMPSA: Prithee, tell me, then, whose I am?

LYSIMACHUS: You’ve been bought back for your own master.

I’ve bought you back for him; he requested me to do so.

PASICOMPSA: My spirits have returned, if good faith is kept with me.

LYSIMACHUS: Be of good courage; this person will give you your liberty. I’ troth, he did so dote upon you this day as soon as ever he had seen you.

PASICOMPSA: I’ faith, it’s now two years since he commenced his connexion with me. Now, as I’m sure that you are a friend of his, I’ll disclose it.

LYSIMACHUS: How say you? Is it now two years since he formed the connexion with you?

PASICOMPSA: Certainly, it is; and we agreed, on oath, between ourselves, I with him, and he with me, that I would never have intercourse with any man except himself, nor he with any woman except myself.

LYSIMACHUS: Immortal Gods! Isn’t he even to sleep with his wife?

PASICOMPSA: Prithee, is he a married man? He neither is nor will he be.

LYSIMACHUS: Indeed, I wish he wasn’t. I’ faith, the fellow has been committing perjury.

PASICOMPSA: No young man do I more ardently love.

LYSIMACHUS: Why, really he’s a child, you simpleton; for, in fact, it’s not so very long a time since his teeth fell out.

PASICOMPSA: What? His teeth?

LYSIMACHUS: It’s no matter? Follow me this way, please; he requested that I would find you room for one day in my house, since my wife is away in the country. (He goes into his house, followed by PASICOMPSA.)

(Enter DEMIPHO.)

DEMIPHO: (to himself.) At last I’ve managed to ruin myself;

a mistress has been purchased for me without the knowledge of my wife and son. I’m resolved on it; I’ll have recourse again to former habits and enjoy myself. In my allotment of existence, almost now run through, the little that there remains of life, I’ll cheer up with pleasure, wine, and love. For it’s quite proper for this time of life to enjoy itself.

When you are young, then, when the blood is fresh, it’s right to devote your exertions to acquiring your fortune; and then when at last, you are an old man, you may set yourself at your ease; drink, and be amorous; this, the fact that you are living, is now so much profit. This, as I say, I’ll carry out in deed. (Turning to his house.) Meanwhile, however, I’ll take a look in-doors here at my house; my wife has been some time expecting me at home quite hungry: now, she’ll be worrying me to death with her scolding, if I go in-doors. But, in fine, whatever comes of it, i’ faith, I’ll not go, but I’ll first meet this neighbour of mine before I return home;

I want him to hire some house for me, where this damsel may dwell. And, see, he’s coming out of doors.

(Enter LYSIMACHUS, from his house.)

LYSIMACHUS: (to PASICOMPSA, within.) I’ll bring him to you directly, if I meet him.

DEMIPHO: (behind.) He’s meaning me.

LYSIMACHUS: (turning about.) How say you, Demipho?

DEMIPHO: Is the damsel at your house?

LYSIMACHUS: What do you suppose?

DEMIPHO: What if I go see her? (Moves towards the house.)

LYSIMACHUS: Why making such haste? Stay.

DEMIPHO: What am I to do?

LYSIMACHUS: What you ought to do; take care and consider.

DEMIPHO: Consider what? Why troth, for my own part, I think there’s need for my doing this, going in-doors there, I mean.

LYSIMACHUS: What, is it so, you old wether? Would you be going in?

DEMIPHO: What should I do else?

LYSIMACHUS: First listen to this, and attend; there’s something even before this that I think it proper you should do.

For if you now go in-doors to her, you’ll be wishing to embrace her, chatting with her, and kissing her.

DEMIPHO: Really you know my feelings; you understand what I would be at.

LYSIMACHUS: You will be doing wrong.

DEMIPHO: What, with that which you love?

LYSIMACHUS: So much the less reason. Would you, full of hungriness, with a foul breath, a stinking old fellow, be kissing a woman? And wouldn’t you, as you approached, be setting a female vomiting?

DEMIPHO: I’ faith, I’m sure that you’re in love, as you point out these things beforehand to me. What then, if I give a dinner? If you approve of this, let’s lay hold of some cook, who may be cooking away a meal here at your house, even until the evening.

LYSIMACHUS: Well, I’m of that way of thinking. Now you are talking wisely, and like a lover.

DEMIPHO: Why are we standing here? Why then don’t we be off and procure the provisions, that we may be comfortable?

LYSIMACHUS: For my part, I’ll follow you. And, i’ troth, you’ll be finding out a lodging for her, if you are prudent;

for, i’ faith, she shan’t be at my house a single day beyond the present; I’m afraid of my wife, lest, if she should return from the country to-morrow, she’ll be finding her here. (Exeunt.)

(Enter CHARINUS, from DEMIPHO’s house.)

CHARINUS: (to himself.) Am I not a wretched mortal, who can rest quietly nowhere? If I’m at home, my mind’s abroad; but if I’m abroad, my mind’s at home.

To such a degree. has love kindled a flame in my breast and in my heart; did not the tears fall from my eyes, why then, I doubt, my head would be on fire. I cling to hope; safety I’ve lost; whether she’ll return or no, I know not. If my father seizes her, as he has said, then my welfare is gone in exile; but if my companion has done what he promised, then my welfare has not departed.

But still, even if Eutychus had had gouty feet, he could have been back from the harbour by this. This is a very great fault of his, that he is too slow, against the wishes of my feelings. But (looking towards the side) isn’t this he whom I espy running?’Tis he himself; I’ll go meet him. (Clasps his hands.) Thou who art the overlooker of Gods and of men and the mistress of mortals as well, inasmuch as thou hast indulged me in this hope that I entertained, I do return thee thanks. Does any hope remain? Alas! I’m utterly undone. His countenance by no means pleases me!

He moves along in sadness. My breast burns. I am in doubt. He shakes his head. Eutychus! (Enter EUTYCHUS.)

EUTYCHUS: Alas! Charinus. (He pants.)

CHARINUS: Before you take breath, in one word, speak out. Where am I? Here, or among the dead?

EUTYCHUS: You are neither among the dead nor here.

CHARINUS: I’m saved, immortality has been vouchsafed me—he has purchased her. He has nicely tricked my father.

There’s no one living more clever at gaining his purpose. Prithee, do tell me; if I’m neither here nor at Acheron, where am I?

EUTYCHUS: Nowhere in the world.

CHARINUS: I’m utterly undone! That speech has just put an end to me here.

Whatever it is, do come to the material points of the matter.

EUTYCHUS: First of all, we are ruined.

CHARINUS: But why don’t you in preference tell me that which I don’t know?

It is an annoying way of speaking, when you should despatch the business, to be beating about the bush.

EUTYCHUS: The damsel has been taken away from you.

CHARINUS: Eutychus, you are guilty of a capital offence.

EUTYCHUS: How so?

CHARINUS: Because you are killing your year’s-mate and friend, a free citizen.

EUTYCHUS: May the Gods forbid it!

CHARINUS: You’ve thrust a sword into my throat; this moment I shall fall.

EUTYCHUS: Troth now, prithee, don’t be desponding in mind.

CHARINUS: I have none to be desponding in.

Tell on, then, the rest of your bad news; for whom has she been purchased?

EUTYCHUS: I don’t know. She had been already knocked down to the bidder and taken off by him, when I got to the harbour.

CHARINUS: Ah me! Already, indeed, have you heaped burning mountains of woe upon me. Proceed, executioner, torment me on, since you have once begun.

EUTYCHUS: This is not more a cause of anguish to yourself, than it has proved to me this day.

CHARINUS: Tell me, who bought her?

EUTYCHUS: I’ faith, I do not know.

CHARINUS: Well, is this a good friend giving one his aid?

EUTYCHUS: What would you have me do?

CHARINUS: The same that you see me doing, die with grief. But did you make enquiry, what was the appearance of the person that had bought her? Perhaps the damsel might have been traced out by that means.

EUTYCHUS: Ah! wretch that I am—

CHARINUS: Do cease lamenting; attend to that which you are now about.

EUTYCHUS: What have I done?

CHARINUS: Proved the destruction of myself, and with myself of your own word.

EUTYCHUS: The Gods know that that is not any fault of mine.

CHARINUS: A fine thing, indeed! You mention the Gods, who are absent, as witnesses; how am I to believe you in that?

EUTYCHUS: Why, it rests with your own self what to believe; with myself, what to say, that rests with me.

CHARINUS: On that point you are ready, so as to give answer like for like;

but as to what you are requested, you are lame, blind, dumb, defective, and weak. You promised that you would trick my father; I myself supposed that I was entrusting the matter to a skilful person, and I entrusted it to an utter stone.

EUTYCHUS: What could I do?

CHARINUS: What could you do, do you ask me? You should have enquired, and asked who he was or whence he was, of what lineage;

whether he was a citizen or a foreigner—

EUTYCHUS: They said that he was a citizen of Attica.

CHARINUS: At least, you should have found out where he lives, if you couldn’t the name.

EUTYCHUS: No person was able to say he knew.

CHARINUS: But at least you should have enquired what was the appearance of the man.

EUTYCHUS: I did do so.

CHARINUS: Of what figure, then, did they say he was?

EUTYCHUS: I’ll tell you: grey-headed, bandy-legged, pot-bellied, wide-mouthed, of stunted figure, with darkish eyes, lank jaws, splay-footed rather.

CHARINUS: You are mentioning to me not a human being, but a whole storehouse, I don’t know what, of deformities. Is there anything else that you can tell about him?

EUTYCHUS: It is just as much as I know.

CHARINUS: I’ troth, for sure, with his lank jaws he has caused my jaw to drop. I cannot endure it; I’m determined that I’ll go hence in exile.

But what state in especial to repair to, I’m in doubt; Megara, Eretria, Corinth, Chalcis, Crete, Cyprus, Sicyon, Cnidos, Zacynthus, Lesbos, or Bœotia.

EUTYCHUS: Why are you adopting that design?

CHARINUS: Why, because love is tormenting me.

EUTYCHUS: What say you as to this? Suppose, if when you have arrived there, whither you are now intending to go, you begin there to fall desperately in love, and there, too, you fail of success, then you’ll be taking flight from there as well, and after that, again, from another place, if the same shall happen, what bounds, pray, will be set to your exile, what limits to your flight? What country or home can possibly be certain for you? Tell me that. Say now, if you leave this city, do you fancy that you’ll leave your love here behind?

If it is so fully taken as certain in your mind that so it will be, if you hold that as a point resolved upon, how much better is it for you to go away somewhere in the country, to be there, to live there, until the time when desire for her and passion have set you at liberty?

CHARINUS: Have you now said your say?

EUTYCHUS: I have said it.

CHARINUS: You have said it to no purpose; this is my full determination. I’ll be off home, to pay my duty to my father and my mother; after that, unknown to my father, I’ll fly from this country, or adopt some other plan. (Goes into DEMIPHO’S house, leaving EUTYCHUS alone)

EUTYCHUS: (to himself.) How suddenly he has taken himself off and gone away. Ah! wretch that I am! if he goes away, all will say that it has happened through my remissness. I’m determined at once to order as many criers as possible to be hired to search for her to find her; after that, I’ll go to the Praetor forthwith, and beg him to give me search-warrant officers in all the quarters of the city; for I find that nothing else whatever is now left for me to do. (Exit.)