Chapter 2

(Enter DEMIPHO.)

DEMIPHO: (to himself.) In wondrous ways do the Gods make sport of men, and in wondrous fashions do they send dreams in sleep. As, for instance, I, this very last night that has passed, have sufficiently experienced in my sleep, and, mortal that I am, was much occupied therewith.

I seemed to have purchased for myself a beautiful she-goat. That she might not offend that other she-goat which I had at home before, and that they mightn’t disagree if they were both in the same spot, after that I had purchased her, I seemed to entrust her to the charge of an ape. This ape, not very long afterwards, came to me, uttered imprecations against me, and assailed me with reproaches; he said that by her means and through the arrival of the she-goat he had suffered injury and loss in no slight degree; he said that the she-goat, which I had entrusted to him to keep, had gnawed away the marriage-portion of his wife.

This seemed extremely wonderful to me, how that this single she-goat could possibly have gnawed away the marriage-portion of the wife of the ape. The ape, however, insisted that it was so, and, in short, gave me this answer, that if I didn’t make haste and remove her away from his own house, he would bring her home into my house to my wife.

And, by my troth, I seemed very greatly to take an interest in her, but not to have any one to whom to entrust this she-goat; wherefore the more, in my distress, was I tormented with anxiety what to do. Meanwhile, a kid appeared to address me, and began to tell me that he had carried off the she-goat from the ape, and began to laugh at me.

But I began to lament and complain that she was carried off. To what reality I am to suppose that this vision points, I can’t discover; except that I suspect that I have just now discovered this she-goat, what she is, or what it all means.

This morning, at daybreak, I went away hence down to the harbour. After I had transacted there what I wanted, suddenly I espied the ship from Rhodes, in which my son arrived here yesterday. I had an inclination, I know not why, to visit it; I went on board a boat, and put off to the ship;

and there I beheld a woman of surpassing beauty, whom my son has brought as a maid-servant for his mother. After I had thus beheld her, I fell in love with her, not as men in their senses, but after the fashion in which madmen are wont. I’ faith, in former times, in my youthful days, I fell in love,

’tis true; but after this fashion, according as I’m now distracted, never. Now beyond a doubt, surely thus this matter stands; this is that she-goat. But what that ape and that kid mean, I’m afraid. One thing, i’ faith, I really do know for certain, that I’m undone for love; (to the AUDIENCE) consider yourselves the other point, what a poor creature I am.

But I’ll hold my tongue; lo! I see my neighbour; he’s coming out of doors. (Stands aside.)

(Enter LYSIMACHUS and a SERVANT with some rakes, from the house of the former.)

LYSIMACHUS: Really I will have this goat mutilated, that’s giving us so much trouble at the farm.

DEMIPHO: (apart.) Neither this omen nor this augury pleases me;

I’m afraid that my wife will be just now mutilating me like the he-goat, and be acting the part of this same ape.

LYSIMACHUS: Do you go hence to my country-house, and take care and deliver personally into his own hands those rakes to the bailiff Pistus himself. Take care and tell my wife that

I have business in the city, so that she mayn’t expect me; for do you mention that I have three causes coming on for judgment to-day. Be off, and remember to say this.

SERVANT: Anything more?

LYSIMACHUS: That’s enough. (Exit SERVANT.)

DEMIPHO: (Stepping forward.) Greetings to you, Lysimachus.

LYSIMACHUS: Well met! and greetings to you, Demipho. How are you? How goes it?

DEMIPHO: As with one that’s most wretched.

LYSIMACHUS: May the Gods grant better things.

DEMIPHO: As for the Gods, it’s they that do this.

LYSIMACHUS: What’s the matter?

DEMIPHO: I’d tell you, if I saw that you had time or leisure.

LYSIMACHUS: Although I have business in hand, if you wish for anything, Demipho, I’m never too busy to give attention to a friend.

DEMIPHO: You speak of your kindness to myself who have experienced it. How do I seem to you as to age?

LYSIMACHUS: A subject for Acheron —an antiquated, decrepit old fellow.

DEMIPHO: You see in a wrong light. I am a child, Lysimachus, of seven years old.

LYSIMACHUS: Are you in your senses, to say that you are a child?

DEMIPHO: I’m telling what’s true.

LYSIMACHUS: I’ faith, it has this moment come into my mind what you mean to say;

directly a person is old, no longer has he sense or taste; people say that he has become a child again.

DEMIPHO: Why, no; for I’m twice as hearty as ever I was before.

LYSIMACHUS: I’ faith, it’s well that so it is, and I’m glad of it.

DEMIPHO: Aye, and if you did but know; with my eyes, too, I see even better now than I did formerly.

LYSIMACHUS: That’s good.

DEMIPHO: Of a thing that’s bad, I’m speaking.

LYSIMACHUS: Then that same is not good.

DEMIPHO: But, if I wished at all, could I venture to disclose something to you?

LYSIMACHUS: Boldly.

DEMIPHO: Give heed, then.

LYSIMACHUS: It shall be carefully done.

DEMIPHO: This day, Lysimachus, I’ve begun to go to school to learn my letters. I know three letters already.

LYSIMACHUS: How? Three letters?

DEMIPHO: (spelling.) A M O [I am in love].

LYSIMACHUS: What! you, in love, with your hoary head, you most shocking old fellow?

DEMIPHO: Whether that is hoary, or whether red, or whether black, I’m in love.

LYSIMACHUS: You’re now playing upon me in this, I fancy, Demipho.

DEMIPHO: Cut my throat, if it’s false, what I’m saying. That you may be sure I’m in love, take a knife, and do you cut off either my finger, or my ear, or my nose, or my lip: if I move me, or feel that I’m being cut, then, Lysimachus, I give you leave to torture me to death here with being in love.

LYSIMACHUS: (aside to the AUDIENCE.) If ever you’ve seen a lover in a picture, why, there he is (pointing at DEMIPHO): for really, in my way of thinking, an antiquated, decrepit old man is just about the same as though he were a figure painted upon a wall.

DEMIPHO: Now, I suppose, you are thinking of censuring me.

LYSIMACHUS: What, I, censure you?

DEMIPHO: Well, there’s no reason that you should censure me. Other distinguished men have done the like before.

It’s natural to be in love, it’s natural, as well, to be considerate. Then, please, don’t reprove me; no inclination impelled me to this.

LYSIMACHUS: Why, I’m not reproving you.

DEMIPHO: But still, don’t you think any the worse of me for acting thus.

LYSIMACHUS: I, think the worse of you? O, may the Deities forbid it.

DEMIPHO: Still, please, only do take care of that.

LYSIMACHUS: Due care is taken.

DEMIPHO: Quite sure?

LYSIMACHUS: You’re wearing me out. (Aside.) This person’s deranged through love. (To DEMIPHO.) Do you desire aught with me?

DEMIPHO: Farewell!

LYSIMACHUS: I’m making haste to the harbour; for I’ve got business there.

DEMIPHO: Good luck go with you.

LYSIMACHUS: Heartily fare you well.

DEMIPHO: Kindly fare you well. (Exit LYSIMACHUS.) (DEMIPHO continues, to himself.) And what’s more, I too as well have got some business at the harbour; now, therefore, I shall be off thither. But, look! most opportunely I see my son. I’ll wait for the fellow; it’s necessary for me now to see him, to persuade him, as far as I possibly can, to sell her to me, and not make a present of her to his mother; for I’ve heard that he has brought her as a present for her. But I have need of precaution, that he mayn’t any way imagine that I have set my fancy upon her.

(Enter CHARINUS, at a distance.)

CHARINUS: (to himself.) Never, I do think, was any person more wretched than myself, nor one who had more everlasting crosses. Isn’t it the fact, that whatever thing there is that I have commenced to attempt, it cannot fall out to my wish according as I desire? To such an extent is some evil fortune always befalling me, which overwhelms my fair intentions. To my misfortune, I procured me a mistress to please my inclination; I acquired her for a sum of money, fancying that I could keep her unknown to my father. He has found her out, and has seen her, and has undone me. Nor have I yet determined what to say when he asks me, so much do uncertain thoughts, aye, tenfold, struggle within my breast; nor know I now in my mind what resolution I can possibly take; so much uncertainty, mingled with anxiety, is there in my feelings, at one moment the advice of my servant pleases me, then again it doesn’t please me, and it doesn’t seem possible for my father to be induced to think that she was bought as a maid-servant for my mother. Now, if I say, as is the fact, and declare that I purchased her for myself, what will he think of me? He may take her away, too, and carry her hence beyond sea, to be sold!

Well taught at home, I know how severe he is. Is this, then, being in love? I’d rather be at the plough-tail than love in this fashion. Before to-day, long ago, he drove me away against my inclination from his house, my home, and bade me go and traffic. There did I meet with this misfortune. When its misery can surpass its pleasure, what is there delightful in it?

In vain I’ve hidden her, concealed her, kept her in secret; my father’s a very fly; nothing can be kept away from him; nothing so sacred or so profane is there, but that he’s there at once; neither have I any assured hope in my mind through which to feel confidence in my fortunes.

DEMIPHO: (apart.) What’s the reason of this, that my son is talking to himself alone? He seems to me anxious about some matter, I know not what.

CHARINUS: (looking round.) Heyday, now! Why, surely it’s my father here that I see. I’ll go and accost him. (Accosting him.) How goes it, father?

DEMIPHO: Whence do you come? Why are you in a hurry, my son?

CHARINUS: It’s all right, father.

DEMIPHO: So I trust; but what’s the reason that your colour’s so changed? Do you feel ill at all?

CHARINUS: I know not what it is affects my spirits, father;

this last night I didn’t rest quite as well as I wished.

DEMIPHO: As you’ve been travelling by sea, your eyes, I suppose, are at present rather unaccustomed to the shore.

CHARINUS: No doubt it is that; but it will be going off presently.

DEMIPHO: Troth, it’s for that reason you are pale; if you were prudent, you’d go home and lie down.

CHARINUS: I haven’t the leisure; I wish to attend to business on commission.

DEMIPHO: Attend to it to-morrow; the day after, attend to it.

CHARINUS: I’ve often heard from you, father, it behoves all wise men, the first thing, to give their earliest attention to business upon commission.

DEMIPHO: Do so, then; I have no wish to be striving against your opinion.

CHARINUS: (aside.) I’m all right, if, indeed, his adherence to that sentiment is immoveable and lasting.

DEMIPHO: (aside.) Why is it that he calls himself aside into counsel with himself?

I’m not afraid now lest he should be able to come to know that I’m in love with her, because I’ve not as yet done anything in a foolish manner, as people in love are wont to do.

CHARINUS: (aside.) I’ faith, the affair for the present is really quite safe; for I’m quite certain that he doesn’t know anything about that mistress of mine; if he did know, his talk would have been different.

DEMIPHO: (aside.) Why don’t I accost him about her?

CHARINUS: (aside.) Why don’t I betake myself off hence?

(Aloud.) I’m going to deliver the commissions from my friends to their friends. (Moves as if going.)

DEMIPHO: Nay, but stop; I still want to make a few enquiries of you first.

CHARINUS: Say what it is you wish.

DEMIPHO: Have you all along been well?

CHARINUS: Quite well all the time, so long, indeed, as I was there; but as soon as I had arrived here in harbour, I don’t know what faintness it was came over me.

DEMIPHO: I’ faith, I suppose it arose from sea-sickness; but it will be going off just now.

But how say you? What servant-maid is this that you have brought from Rhodes for your mother?

CHARINUS: I’ve brought one.

DEMIPHO: Well, what sort of a woman is she as to appearance?

CHARINUS: Not an ill-favored one, i’ faith.

DEMIPHO: How is she as to manners?

CHARINUS: In my way of thinking, I never saw one better.

DEMIPHO: So, indeed, i’ faith, she seemed to me when I saw her.

CHARINUS: How now, have you seen her, father?

DEMIPHO: I have seen her; but she doesn’t suit our ways, and so she doesn’t please me.

CHARINUS: Why so?

DEMIPHO: Because she hasn’t a figure suitable to our establishment; we stand in need of no female servant but one who can weave, grind, chop wood, make yarn, sweep out the house, stand a beating, and who can have every day’s victuals cooked for the household. This one will be able to do not any single one of these things.

CHARINUS: Why, in fact, for this reason I purchased her, to make a present of her to my mother.

DEMIPHO: Don’t you be giving her, nor mention that you have brought her.

CHARINUS: (aside.) The Deities favour me.

DEMIPHO: (aside.) I’m shaking him by slow degrees. (Aloud.) But, what I omitted to say,—she can neither with due propriety follow your mother as an attendant;

nor will I allow it.

CHARINUS: But why?

DEMIPHO: Because, with those good looks, it would be scandalous if she were to be following a matron when she’s walking through the streets; all people would be staring, gazing, nodding, winking, hissing, twitching, crying out, be annoying, and singing serenades at our door; my door, perhaps, would be filled with the charcoal marks of her praises;

and, according as persons are scandalizing at the present day, they might throw it in the teeth of my wife and myself, that we are carrying on the business of a Procurer. Now what occasion is there for this?

CHARINUS: Why, faith, you say what’s just, and I agree with you. But what shall be done with her now?

DEMIPHO: Exactly; I’ll buy for your mother some stout wench of a female slave, not a bad servant, but of ungainly figure, as befits the mistress of a family—either a Syrian or an Egyptian woman: she shall do the grinding, spin out the yarn, and stand a lashing; and on her account no disgrace at all will be befalling our doors.

CHARINUS: What then if she is restored to the person of whom she was purchased?

DEMIPHO: By no means in the world.

CHARINUS: He said that he would take her back, if she didn’t suit.

DEMIPHO: There’s no need of that;

I don’t want you to get into litigation, nor yet your honor to be called in question. I’ troth, I would much rather, if any must be endured, put up with the loss myself, than that disgrace or scandal on account of a woman should be brought upon my house. I think that I am able to sell for you at a good profit.

CHARINUS: I’ faith, so long, indeed, as you don’t be selling her at a less price than I bought her at, father.

DEMIPHO: Do you only hold your tongue; there is a certain old gentleman who commissioned me to buy one for him of just that same appearance.

CHARINUS: But, father, a certain young man commissioned me to buy one for him of just that same appearance that she is of.

DEMIPHO: I think that I am able to dispose of her for twenty minae.

CHARINUS: But, if I had chosen, there have been already seven-and-twenty minae offered.

DEMIPHO: But I—

CHARINUS: Nay, but I, I say—

DEMIPHO: But you don’t know what I was going to say; do hold your tongue. I can add three minae even to that, so that there will be thirty. (Looks as though on one side at a distance.)

CHARINUS: What are you turning yourself towards?

DEMIPHO: Towards him who’s making the purchase.

CHARINUS: (staring about.) Why, where in the world is this person?

DEMIPHO: Look there, I see him, yonder (pointing); he’s bidding me even still to add five minae.

CHARINUS: (aside.) By my troth, may the Gods send a curse upon him, whoever he is!

DEMIPHO: (looking in the distance.) There he is again, making a sign to me, even still, for me to add six minae.

CHARINUS: My man is bidding seven minae, for her, full weight, father. (Aside.) I’ faith, he shall never this day outdo me.

DEMIPHO: He’s bidding in vain; I will have her!

CHARINUS: But the other one made the first offer.

DEMIPHO: I care nothing for that.

CHARINUS: He bids fifty.

DEMIPHO: No, a hundred’s the offer. Can’t you desist from bidding against the determination of my mind. I’ troth, you’ll be having an immense profit, in such a way is this old gentleman for whom she’s being purchased. He’s not in his senses by reason of his love; whatever you ask, you’ll get.

CHARINUS: I’ faith, that young man, for whom I’m purchasing, is assuredly dying with distraction for love of her.

DEMIPHO: Troth, very much more so is that old gentleman, if you did but know it.

CHARINUS: I’ faith, that old man never was nor ever will be more distracted with love than that young man, father, to whom I’m lending this assistance.

DEMIPHO: Do be quiet, I tell you; I’ll see to that matter, that it’s all right.

CHARINUS: How say you—?

DEMIPHO: What is it?

CHARINUS: I didn’t take her for a slave; but it was he that took her for such.

DEMIPHO: Let me alone.

CHARINUS: By law you cannot put her up for sale.

DEMIPHO: I’ll somehow see to that.

CHARINUS: And then besides, she’s the common property of myself and another person; how do I know how he’s disposed, whether he does wish or doesn’t wish to sell her?

DEMIPHO: I’m sure he does wish.

CHARINUS: But, i’ faith, I believe that there’s a certain person who doesn’t wish.

DEMIPHO: What matters that to me?

CHARINUS: Because it’s right that he should have the disposal of his own property.

DEMIPHO: What is it you say?

CHARINUS: She is the common property of myself and another person; he isn’t here at present.

DEMIPHO: You are answering me before I ask.

CHARINUS: You are buying, father, before I sell. I don’t know, I say, whether he chooses to part with her or not.

DEMIPHO: But if she is purchased for that certain person who gave you the commission, will he choose it then? If I purchase her for that person who gave me the commission, will he then not choose it? You avail nothing.

Never, on my faith, shall any person have her in preference to the person that I wish. That I’m resolved upon.

CHARINUS: Have you made up your mind that it is resolved upon?

DEMIPHO: Why, I’m going hence at once to the ship; there she shall be sold.

CHARINUS: Do you wish me to go there with you?

DEMIPHO: I don’t wish you.

CHARINUS: You don’t choose it, then.

DEMIPHO: It’s better for you to give your earliest attention to the business which you’ve been commissioned upon.

CHARINUS: You are hindering me from doing so.

DEMIPHO: Then do you make your excuse that you have used all diligence.

Don’t you go to the harbour, I tell you that now.

CHARINUS: That shall be attended to.

DEMIPHO: (aside.) I’ll be off to the harbour, and (I have need of caution lest he should find it out) I’ll not buy her myself, but commission my friend Lysimachus; he said just now that he was going to the harbour. I’m delaying while I’m standing here. (Exit.)

(CHARINUS, alone.)

CHARINUS: (wringing his hands, and crying aloud.) I’m lost—I’m undone.

They say that the Bacchanals tore Pentheus to pieces. I do believe that that was the merest trifle compared with the manner in which I am rent asunder in different ways.

Why do I exist? Why don’t I die? What good is there for me in life? I’m determined, I’ll go to a doctor, and there I’ll put myself to death by poison, since that is being taken from me for the sake of which I desire to remain in existence. (He is going off.)

EUTYCHUS: (Enter EUTYCHUS, from the house of LYSIMACHUS.) Stop, prithee, stop, Charinus.

CHARINUS: (turning.) Who is it, that calls me back?

EUTYCHUS: Eutychus, your friend and companion, your nearest neighbour as well.

CHARINUS: You don’t know what a vast weight of my woes I am enduring.

EUTYCHUS: I do know. I listened to it all at the door: I know the whole matter.

CHARINUS: What is it that you know?

EUTYCHUS: Your father wishes to sell—

CHARINUS: You have the whole matter.

EUTYCHUS: —Your mistress—

CHARINUS: You know by far too much.

EUTYCHUS: —Against your wish.

CHARINUS: You know everything. But how do you know that this woman is my mistress?

EUTYCHUS: You yourself told me yesterday.

CHARINUS: Isn’t it the fact that I had quite forgotten that I told you yesterday?

EUTYCHUS: It’s not surprising it is so.

CHARINUS: I now consult you. Answer me; by what death do you think that I should die in preference?

EUTYCHUS: Won’t you hold your peace? Take you care how you say that.

CHARINUS: What then do you wish me to say?

EUTYCHUS: Should you like me to trick your father nicely?

CHARINUS: I really should like it.

EUTYCHUS: Should you like me to walk to the harbour—

CHARINUS: What, rather than that you should fly?

EUTYCHUS: And release the fair one for a sum.

CHARINUS: What, rather than you should pay her weight in gold?

EUTYCHUS: Whence is it to come?

CHARINUS: I’ll entreat Achilles to lend me the gold with which Hector was ransomed

EUTYCHUS: Are you in your senses?

CHARINUS: I’ faith, if I were in my senses, I shouldn’t be seeking you for my physician.

EUTYCHUS: Do you wish her to be purchased for as high a price as he asks?

CHARINUS: Throw in something by way of surplus; even a thousand didrachms more than he shall demand.

EUTYCHUS: Now, do hold your peace. But what say you as to this? Whence will the money come, for you to give, when your father asks for it?

CHARINUS: It shall be found, it shall be sought out, something shall be done.

EUTYCHUS: You are worrying me to death. For I’m afraid of that Something shall be done.

CHARINUS: Why won’t you hold your tongue?

EUTYCHUS: You give your commands to one who is dumb.

CHARINUS: Is this matter sufficiently pointed out to you?

EUTYCHUS: Can’t you possibly be attending to something else?

CHARINUS: It isn’t possible.

EUTYCHUS: (going.) Kindly fare you well.

CHARINUS: I’ faith, I cannot fare well, before you come back to me.

EUTYCHUS: To better purpose, recover your senses.

CHARINUS: Farewell, and prevail, and be my preserver.

EUTYCHUS: I’ll do so. Wait for me at home.

CHARINUS: Do you take care, then, to betake yourself back just now with the booty. (Exit EUTYCHUS, and CHARINUS goes into DEMIPHO’S house.)