Chapter 2

(The prologue. Enter PALAESTRIO.)

PALAESTRIO: To tell the subject of this our play, I have all willingness, if you will but have the kindness to listen to it. But he who does not wish to listen, let him arise and go out, that there may be room where he may sit who does wish to listen. Now I will disclose to you both the subject and the name of the play which we are just now about to act, and for the sake of which you are now seated in this mirthful place,

Alazon is the name, in Greek, of this Comedy; the same we call in Latin, the Braggart (Gloriosus). This city is Ephesus; then, the Captain, my master, who has gone off hence to the Forum, a bragging, impudent, stinking fellow, brimful of lying and lasciviousness, says that all the women are following him of their own accord. Wherever he goes, he is the laughing.stock of all; and so, the Courtesans here—since they make wry mouths at him, you may see the greater part of them with lips all awry.

I wish you now to know this, how I came to be his slave, from him to whom I was servant before; for’tis not long that I have been in slavery to him. Give your attention, for now I will begin the argument. A very worthy young man at Athens was my master.

He was in love with a Courtesan, brought up at Athens, in Attica, and she on the other hand loved him; such affection is most worthy to be cherished. In the public service, he was sent to Naupactus as Ambassador on behalf of that mighty republic. In the mean time, by chance, this Captain came to Athens.

He introduced himself to this lady of my master, began to cajole her mother with presents of wine, trinkets, and costly treats; and so the Captain made himself on intimate terms with the procuress. As soon as ever an opportunity was presented for this Captain, he tricked this procuress, the mother of the damsel, whom my master loved. For, unknown to her mother, he put the daughter on board ship, and carried this woman, against her will, hither to Ephesus. Soon as I knew that the lady of my master was carried off from Athens, as quickly as ever I was able, I procured for myself a ship: I embarked, that I might carry tidings of this matter to my master at Naupactum. When we had got out to sea, some pirates, as they had hoped to do, took that ship on board of which I was; thus I was undone before I reached my master, for whom I had commenced to proceed on my voyage.

He that took me, gave me as a present to this same Captain. After he had taken me home to his own house, I saw there that favorite of my master who lived at Athens. When, on the other hand, she perceived me, she gave me a sign with her eyes not to address her by name. Afterwards, when there was an opportunity, the damsel complained to me of her hard fate. She said that she wished to escape to Athens from this house, that she was attached to him, that master of mine who lived at Athens, and that she had never hated any one more thoroughly than this same Captain. As I discovered the feelings of the damsel,

I took tablets, sealed them in private, and gave them to a certain merchant to carry to him (my master, I mean, who was at Athens, and who had so loved her), in order that he might come hither. He did not slight the message, for he both is come, and is lodging here next door, with his host, a friend of his father’s, a nice old man. He, too, gives every assistance to his guest in his amour, and encourages and seconds us with his help and his advice. Therefore, here (pointing to the CAPTAIN’S house), in-doors, I have found a grand contrivance, by which to cause these lovers, each, to meet the other.

For one room, which the Captain gave to his mistress for no one but herself to set foot in, in that same room I have dug a hole through the party-wall, in order that there may secretly be an ingress for the damsel from the one house to the other. And this I have done with the knowledge of the old gentleman;’twas he that gave the advice.

But my fellow-servant, whom the Captain has given as a keeper to his mistress, is a person of no great worth. By clever contrivances and ingenious devices, we will throw dust in his eyes, and we will make him so as not to see what he really does see.

And that you may not hereafter make mistakes, this damsel to-day, in this house and in that, will perform in turn a double part, and will be the same, but will pretend to be another, person. Thus will the keeper of the damsel be gulled. But there is a noise at the door here of the old gentleman, our neighbour.

’Tis himself coming out’tis he, the nice old man that I was speaking of.

(He retires to a distance.)

(Enter PERIPLECOMENUS from his house.)

PERIPLECOMENUS: (speaking to his servants within.) Faith, if you don’t in future smash his ankle-bones for any stranger that you see on my tiles, I will cut you so with lashes as to make thongs of your sides. My neighbours, i’ faith, are overlookers of what is going on in my own house; so often are they peeping down through the skylight. And now, therefore, I give you all notice, whatever person of this Captain’s household you shall see upon our tiles, except Palaestrio only, push him headlong here into the street. Suppose he says that he is following some hen, or pigeon, or monkey; woe be to you, if you don’t badly maul the fellow even to death. And so, that they may commit no infringement against the laws of dice, do you take good care that they keep holiday at home without any ankle-bones at all.

PALAESTRIO: (aside.) Something amiss,—what, I know not, has been done him by our family so far as I can hear, inasmuch as the old man has ordered the ankles of my fellow-servants to be broken. But he has excepted me; nothing care I what he does to the rest of them. I’ll accost the old man. (Advances.)

PERIPLECOMENUS: The person that is coming this way, is he coming towards me? He comes as if he was coming to me.

PALAESTRIO: How do you do, Periplecomenus?

PERIPLECOMENUS: There are not many men, if I were to wish, whom I would rather now see and meet with than yourself.

PALAESTRIO: What’s the matter? What disturbance have you with our family?

PERIPLECOMENUS: We are done for.

PALAESTRIO: What’s the matter?

PERIPLECOMENUS: The thing’s discovered.

PALAESTRIO: What thing’s discovered?

PERIPLECOMENUS: Some one just now of your household was looking in from the tiles through our skylight at Philocomasium and my guest as they were toying together.

PALAESTRIO: What person saw it?

PERIPLECOMENUS: Your fellow-servant.

PALAESTRIO: Which person was it?

PERIPLECOMENUS: I don’t know; he took himself off so suddenly—in an instant.

PALAESTRIO: I suspect I’m ruined.

PERIPLECOMENUS: When he went away, I cried: Hallo! you sir! said I, what are you doing upon the tiles? As he went away he replied to me in these terms, that he was following a stray’d monkey.

PALAESTRIO: Woe to wretched me! that I must be ruined for a worthless beast. But is Philocomasium there with you even still?

PERIPLECOMENUS: When I came out, she was there.

PALAESTRIO: If she is, then bid her return to our house as soon as ever she can, that the servants may see that she is at home; unless, indeed, she wishes that we, who are slaves, her fellow-slaves, should all be given up together to tortures by the cross on account of her courting.

PERIPLECOMENUS: I bade her do so; unless you would aught else.

PALAESTRIO: I would. Tell her this: that, by my troth, she must not hesitate at all to bring in play her skill and cleverness.

PERIPLECOMENUS: In what way?

PALAESTRIO: That by her words she may persuade him who saw her here at your house, that he did not see her.

Should he accuse her, on the other hand let her convince him with her oath.

Even though she were seen a hundred times over, still let her deny it.

(Aside.) For, if she is at all inclined to ill, a woman never goes begging to the gardener for material, she has a garden at home and a stock of her own for all mischievous contrivances;

at home she has impudence, a lying tongue, perfidiousness, malice, and boldness, self-conceit, assurance, and deceitfulness,— at home she has wiles,—at home captivating contrivances,—stratagems at home.

PERIPLECOMENUS: I’ll tell her this, if she shall be in-doors here (pointing to his house.) But what is it, Palaestrio, that you are considering with yourself in your mind?

PALAESTRIO: Be silent a moment, while I am calling a council in my mind, and while I am considering what I am to do, what plan I must contrive, on the other hand, as a match for my crafty fellow-servant, who has seen her billing here in your house; so that what was seen may not have been seen.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Do contrive one; in the meantime, I’ll retire hence to a distance from you, to this spot. (He retires to a distance.) Look at him, please (to the AUDIENCE), revolving his cares with brow severe, how he stands. He strikes his breast with his fingers I fancy he’s about to call his heart outside. See, he shifts his posture; again he places his left hand upon his left thigh. His right hand is reckoning down his plans upon his fingers; in despair he strikes his thigh.

His right hand is moving rapidly; with difficulty does it suggest what he is to do. He snaps his fingers now; he’s striving hard; full oft he changes his position. But see how he shakes his head; it pleases him not what he has hit upon. Whatever it is, nothing crude will he bring forth, something well-digested will he produce. But see, he is building; he has placed his hand as a pillar beneath his chin.

Have done with it in truth, this mode of building pleases me not; for I have heard say that the head of a foreign Poet is wont to be supported thus, over whom two guards are ever at all hours keeping watch. Bravo! how becomingly he stands,—i’ faith, how like a very slave, and how faithful to his part. Never, this day,will he rest, before he has completed that which he is in search of.

He has it, I suspect. Come—to the business you’re about: keep wide awake, think not of sleep; unless, indeed, you wish to be keeping your watch here all checquered o’er with stripes.’Tis I, that am talking to you; schemer, don’t you know that I am speaking to you? Palaestrio! awake, say; arouse yourself, I say;’tis daylight now, I say.

PALAESTRIO: I hear you.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Don’t you see that the enemy is upon you, and that siege is being laid to your back? Take counsel, then;

obtain aid and assistance in this matter; the hastily, not the leisurely, is befitting here. Get the start of them in some way, and in some direction this moment lead around your troops. Close round the enemy in siege; prepare the convoy for our side. Cut off the enemy’s provision, secure yourself a passage, by which supplies and provision may be enabled in safety to reach yourself and your forces. Look to this business; the emergency is sudden.

Invent—contrive—this instant give us some clever plan; so that that which has been seen here within, may not have been seen; that which has been done, may not have been done. There, my man, you undertake a great enterprise; lofty the defences which you erect. If you yourself alone but say you undertake this, I have a certainty that we are able to rout our foes.

PALAESTRIO: I do say so, and I do undertake it.

PERIPLECOMENUS: And I do pronounce that you shall obtain that which you desire.

PALAESTRIO: May Jupiter kindly bless you then!

PERIPLECOMENUS: But, friend, do you impart to me the plan which you have devised.

PALAESTRIO: Be silent, then, while I am inducting you in the direction of my devices; that you may know as well as my own self my plans.

PERIPLECOMENUS: The same you shall receive safe from the same spot where you have deposited them.

PALAESTRIO: My master is surrounded with the hide of an elephant, not his own, and has no more wisdom than a stone.

PERIPLECOMENUS: I myself know the same thing.

PALAESTRIO: Now, thus I would begin upon my plan; this contrivance I shall act upon. I shall say that her other own twin-sister has come here from Athens, with a certain person, her lover, to Philocomasium, as like to her as milk is to milk. I shall say that they are lodged and entertained here in your house.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Bravo! bravo! cleverly thought of. I approve or your device.

PALAESTRIO: So that, if my fellow-servant should accuse her before the Captain, and say that he has seen her here at your house, toying with another man, I shall assert, on the other hand, that my fellow-servant has seen the other one, the sister, at your house, fondling and toying with her own lover.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Aye, most excellent. I’ll say the same, if the Captain shall inquire of me.

PALAESTRIO: But do you say that they are extremely alike; and this must be imparted in time to Philocomasium, in order that she may know; that she mayn’t be tripping if the Captain should question her.

PERIPLECOMENUS: A very clever contrivance. But if the Captain should wish to see them both in company together, what shall we do then?

PALAESTRIO: That’s easy enough. Three hundred excuses may be picked up—she is not at home; she has gone out walking; she is asleep; she is dressing; she is bathing; she is at breakfast; she is taking dessert; she is engaged; she is enjoying her rest; in fact, she can’t come. There are as many of these put-offs as you like, if I can only persuade him at the very outset to believe that to be true which shall be contrived.

PERIPLECOMENUS: I like what you say.

PALAESTRIO: Go in-doors then; and if the damsel’s there, bid her return home directly, and instruct and tutor her thoroughly in this plan, that she may understand our scheme, as we have begun it, about the twin-sister.

PERIPLECOMENUS: I’ll have her right cleverly tutor’d for you. Is there anything else?

PALAESTRIO: Only, be off in-doors.

PERIPLECOMENUS: I’m off.

(Exit.)

(PALAESTRIO alone.)

PALAESTRIO: And I’ll go home, too;

and I’ll conceal the fact that I am giving her my aid in seeking out the man, which fellow-servant of mine it was, that to-day was following the monkey. For it cannot be but in his conversation he must have made some one of the household acquainted about the lady of his master, how that he himself has seen her next door here toying with some stranger spark.

I know the habit myself; I can’t hold my tongue on that which I know alone. If I find out the person who saw it, I’ll plant against him all my mantelets and covered works. The material is prepared;’tis a sure matter that I must take this person by force, and by thus besieging him. If so I don’t find the man, just like a hound I’ll go smelling about, even until I shall have traced out the fox by his track.

But our door makes a noise: I’ll lower my voice; for here is the keeper of Philocomasium, my fellow-servant, coming out of doors.

(Stands aside.)

(Enter SCLEDRUS from the CAPTAIN’s house.)

SCELEDRUS: Unless, in fact, I have been walking this day in my sleep upon the tiles, i’ faith, I know for sure that I have seen here, at our neighbour’s next door, Philocomasium, the lady of my master, on the high road to mischief to herself.

PALAESTRIO: (aside.) ’Twas he that saw her billing, so far as I have heard him say.

SCELEDRUS: Who’s that?

PALAESTRIO: Your fellow-servant. How are you, Sceledrus?

SCELEDRUS: I am glad that I have met you, Palaestrio.

PAT.: What now? Or what’s the matter? Let me know.

SCELEDRUS: I’m afraid.

PALAESTRIO: What are you afraid of?

SCELEDRUS: By my troth, lest, this day, as many domestics as there are of us here, we shall jump into a most woful punishmient by way of torture.

PALAESTRIO: Jump you alone, please;

for I don’t at all like this jumping in and jumping out.

SCELEDRUS: Perhaps you don’t know what new mischance has happened at home?

PALAESTRIO: What mischance is this?

SCELEDRUS: A disgraceful one.

PALAESTRIO: Do you then keep it to yourself alone: don’t tell it me; I don’t want to know it.

SCELEDRUS: But I won’t let you not know it. To-day I was following our monkey upon the tiles, next door there.

(Points to the house.)

PALAESTRIO: By my troth, Sceledrus, a worthless fellow, you were following a worthless beast.

SCELEDRUS: The Gods confound you!

PALAESTRIO: That befits yourself, since you began the conversation.

SCELEDRUS: By chance, as it happened, I looked down there through the skylight, into the next house; and there I saw Philocomasium toying with some strange young man, I know not whom.

PALAESTRIO: What scandalous thing is this I hear of you, Sceledrus?

SCELEDRUS: I’ faith, I did see her, beyond a doubt.

PALAESTRIO: What, yourself?

SCELEDRUS: Yes, I myself, with these eyes of mine.

PALAESTRIO: Get away, it isn’t likely what you say, nor did you see her.

SCELEDRUS: Do I, then, appear to you as if I were purblind?

PALAESTRIO: ’Twere better for you to ask the doctor about that. But, indeed, if the Gods only love you, don’t you rashly father this idle story. Now are you breeding thence a fatal dilemma for your legs and head;

for, in two ways, the cause is contrived for you to be ruined, unless you put a check upon your foolish chattering.

SCELEDRUS: But how, two ways?

PALAESTRIO: I’ll tell you. First then, if you falsely accuse Philocomasium, by that you are undone; in the next place, if it is true, having been appointed her keeper, there you are undone.

SCELEDRUS: What may happen to me, I know not; I know for certain that I did see this.

PALAESTRIO: Do you persist in it, unfortunate wretch?

SCELEDRUS: What would you have me say to you, but that I did see her? Moreover, she is in there, next door, at this very moment.

PALAESTRIO: What! Isn’t she at home?

SCELEDRUS: Go and see. Go in-doors yourself; for I don’t ask now for any confidence to be put in me.

PALAESTRIO: I’m determined to do so.

SCELEDRUS: I’ll wait here for you. (PALAESTRIO goes into the CAPTAIN’S house. SCLEDRUS, alone.)

SCELEDRUS: In this direction will I be on the watch for her, how soon the heifer may betake herself from the pasture this way towards her stall.

What now shall I do? The Captain gave me to her as her keeper. Now, if I make a discovery, I’m undone; if I am silent, still I am undone, if this should be discovered. What is there more abandoned or more daring than a woman? While I was upon the tiles, this woman betook herself out of doors from her dwelling. By my troth,’twas a brazen act she did. If, now, the Captain were to know of this, i’ faith, I believe he would pull down the whole entire house next door, and me he would send to the gibbet. Whatever comes of it, i’ faith, I’ll hold my tongue rather than come to a bad end. I cannot keep effectual guard on a woman that puts herself up for sale.

PALAESTRIO: (Enter PALAESTRIO from the CAPTAIN’s house.) Sceledrus, Sceledrus, what one man is there on earth more impudent than yourself? Who more than yourself has been born with the Deities hostile and enraged?

SCELEDRUS: What’s the matter?

PALAESTRIO: Do you want those eyes of yours gouged out, with which you see what never existed?

SCELEDRUS: How, what never existed?

PALAESTRIO: I would not buy your life at the price of a rotten nut.

SCELEDRUS: Why, what’s the matter?

PALAESTRIO: What’s the matter, do you ask?

SCELEDRUS: And why shouldn’t I ask?

PALAESTRIO: Why don’t you beg for that tongue of yours to be cut out, that prates so at random?

SCELEDRUS: Why should I beg for that?

PALAESTRIO: Why, Philocomasium is there at home, she whom you were saying that you had seen next door kissing and toying with another man.

SCELEDRUS: ’Tis a wonder that you are in the habit of feeding on darnel, with wheat at so low a price.

PALAESTRIO: Why so?

SCELEDRUS: Because you are so dim of sight.

PALAESTRIO: You gallows-bird,’tis you, indeed, that are blind, with a vengeance, and not dim of sight; for, sure enough, there she is at home.

SCELEDRUS: How? At home?

PALAESTRIO: At home, i’ faith, undoubtedly.

SCELEDRUS: Be off with you; you are playing with me, Palaestrio

PALAESTRIO: My hands are dirty, then.

SCELEDRUS: How so?

PALAESTRIO: Because I am playing with dirt.

SCELEDRUS: A mischief on your head.

PALAESTRIO: Nay rather, Sceledrus, it shall be on yours, I promise you, unless you change for fresh your eyes and your talk. But our door made a noise.

SCELEDRUS: Well, I shall watch here out of doors, for there is no way by which she can pass hence in-doors, except through the front door.

PALAESTRIO: But there she is, at home. I don’t know, Scledrus, what mischief is possessing you.

SCELEDRUS: I see for my own self, I judge for my own self, I have especial faith in my own self: no man shall frighten me out of it, but that she is in that house. (Points to the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.) Here I’ll take my stand, that she may not steal out home without my knowledge.

PALAESTRIO: (aside) This fellow is in my hands; now will I drive him from his strong hold.

(To SCLEDRUS) Do you wish me now to make you own that you don’t see correctly?

SCELEDRUS: Come, do it then.

PALAESTRIO: And that you neither think aright in your mind, nor yet make use of your eyes?

SCELEDRUS: I’d have you do it.

PALAESTRIO: Do you say, then that the lady of your master is there in that house?

SCELEDRUS: I assert, as well, that I saw here here in this house (points to the house of PERIPLECOMENUS), toying with a strange man.

PALAESTRIO: don’t you know that there is no communication between our house here and that one?

SCELEDRUS: I know it.

PALAESTRIO: Neither by the terrace, nor by the garden, only through the skylight?

SCELEDRUS: I know it.

PALAESTRIO: What then, if she is now at home? If I shall make her, so as you may see her,come out hence from our house, are you not deserving of many a lashing?

SCELEDRUS: I am so deserving.

PALAESTRIO: Watch that door, then, that she may not privily betake herself out thence without your knowledge and pass here into our house.

SCELEDRUS: ’Tis my intention to do so.

PALAESTRIO: Upon her feet will I place her this moment here before you in the street.

SCELEDRUS: Come, then, and do so. (PALAESTRIO goes into the CAPTAIN’s house.)

(SCLEDRUS, alone.)

SCELEDRUS: I wish to know whether I did see that which I did see, or whether he can do that which he says he can do — make her to be at home. For, really, I have eyes of my own, and I don’t ever ask to borrow them out of doors. But this fellow is forever fawning about her; he is always near her; he is called first to meat; his mess is given to him first.

For this fellow has been, perhaps, about three years with us; nor fares it better with any other servant in our family than with him. But it is necessary for me to mind what I am about; to keep my eye upon this door. If I take my station here, this way, in faith, I warrant they will never impose on me.

(Enter PALAESTRIO and PHILOCOMASIUM from the CAPTAIN’s house.)

PALAESTRIO: (speaking to her in a low voice as he enters) Be sure to remember my instructions.

PHILOCOMASIUM: (aside) It’s strange you should so often remind me.

PALAESTRIO: (aside) But I fear you may not prove cunning enough.

PHILOCOMASIUM: (aside) Give me even ten scholars, though far from artful, I could instruct them so as to prove artful; in me alone is there a superabundance of artfulness;

come, then, now put your plans in force; I’ll step aside here.

(Steps aside.)

PALAESTRIO: What have you to say, Scledrus?

SCELEDRUS: (not lifting up his eyes) I’m about this business of mine; I have got ears, say what you please.

PALAESTRIO: I think that in that self-same position you will have to die outside the gates, when, with hands outstretched, you will be carrying your cross.

SCELEDRUS: For what reason so?

PALAESTRIO: Just look on your left hand; who is that lady?

SCELEDRUS: (looking.) O ye immortal Gods, it really is the lady of my master!

PALAESTRIO: I’ faith, so she seems to me as well. Do then, now, since so you would have it—

SCELEDRUS: Do what?

PALAESTRIO: Die this very instant.

PHILOCOMASIUM: (advancing.) Where is this faithful servant, who has falsely accused me in my innocence of this most heinous crime?

PALAESTRIO: See, here he is;’tis he that told it me,—assuredly’twas he.

PHILOCOMASIUM: Villain, did you say that you had seen me next door here kissing?

PALAESTRIO: Besides, he said it was with some strange young man.

SCELEDRUS: I’ faith, I did. say so, undoubtedly.

PHILOCOMASIUM: You, saw me?

SCELEDRUS: Yes, with these self-same eyes.

PHILOCOMASIUM: I fancy you will lose those eyes, which see more than what they really do see.

SCELEDRUS: By my faith, I shall never be intimidated from having seen what I really did see.

PHILOCOMASIUM: In my foolishness I am delaying too long in parleying with this madman, whom, by the powers, I’ll punish with death.

SCELEDRUS: Forbear to threaten me: I know that the cross will prove my tomb; there are laid my forefathers, my father, grandfather, great-grandfather, great-great-grandfather.’Tis not in possibility, however, for these eyes of mine to be dug out by your threats.

But I want a few words with you; prithee, Palaestrio, whence came she hither?

PALAESTRIO: Whence but from our house?

SCELEDRUS: From our house?

PALAESTRIO: Do you credit me?

SCELEDRUS: I do credit you: but’tis a thing to be wondered at, how she has been able to return from that house to ours. For, beyond a doubt, we have neither a terrace to our house, nor any garden, nor any window but what is latticed. (To PHILOCOMASIUM.) But, undoubtedly, I did see you in the house next door.

PALAESTRIO: Do you persist, you rascal, in pretending to accuse her?

PHILOCOMASIUM: In good sooth, then, the dream has not turned out untrue, that I dreamed last night.

PALAESTRIO: What did you dream?

PHILOCOMASIUM: I’ll tell you; but, I pray you, give attention. Last night, in my sleep, my twin-sister seemed to have come from Athens to Ephesus with a certain person, her lover.

Both of them seemed to me to be having their lodgings here next door.

PALAESTRIO: (to the AUDIENCE.) The dream that’s being related is Palaestrio’s—pray, go on.

PHILOCOMASIUM: I seemed to be delighted because my sister had come, and on her account I seemed to be incurring a most grievous suspicion. For, in my sleep, my own servant seemed to accuse me, as you are now doing, of being caressed by a strange young man, whereas it was that own twin-sister of mine, who had been toying with her own friend. Thus did I dream that I was wrongfully accused of a crime.

PALAESTRIO: And isn’t just the same thing befalling you when awake, that you speak of as seen in your sleep? Capital; i’ faith, the dream is verified: go in-doors, and pray.

I should recommend that this be told to the Captain.

PHILOCOMASIUM: I am resolved to do so; nor, in fact, will I allow myself, with impunity, to be accused of disgraceful conduct. (Goes into the CAPTAIN’S house.)

SCELEDRUS: I fear for the thing I have done; my back does so tingle all over.

PALAESTRIO: Are you not aware that you are done for?

SCELEDRUS: Now, indeed, I’m sure she is at home; I am now resolved to watch our door, wheresoever she may be. (Places himself at the door.)

PALAESTRIO: But, prithee, Sceledrus, how very like the dream she dreamt to what has happened; and how you really did believe that you had seen her kissing.

SCELEDRUS: And do you suppose that I didn’t see her?

PALAESTRIO: I’ faith, I verily believe you’ll come to your senses when’tis too late. If this matter should only reach our master, you certainly are undone.

SCELEDRUS: Now, at length, I find out that there was a mist placed before my eyes.

PALAESTRIO: I’ faith, that really has been plain for some time now; as she was here in-doors all the while.

SCELEDRUS: Not a word of certainty have I to utter; I did not see her, although I did see her.

PALAESTRIO: By my troth, through this folly of yours you certainly have nearly ruined us; while you have wished to prove yourself faithful to your master, you have been almost undone.

But the door of our next neighbour makes a noise; I’ll be silent.

(Enter PHILOCOMASIUM, dressed in another habit, from the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.)

PHILOCOMASIUM: (to a servant SERVANT.) Put fire on the altar, that in my joy I may return praises and thanks to Diana of Ephesus, and that I may send up for her a grateful smoke with odours of Arabia: she who has preserved me in the realms of Neptune and amid the boisterous temples, where with raging billows I have been so recently dismayed.

SCELEDRUS: (discovering her.) Palaestrio! O Palaestrio!

PALAESTRIO: Sceledrus! O Sceledrus! What is it you want?

SCELEDRUS: This lady that has come out of that house just now—is she Philocomasium, our master’s lady, or is she not?

PALAESTRIO: I’ faith, I think, it seems to be she. But’tis a wondrous thing how she could pass from our house to next door; if, indeed, it is she.

SCELEDRUS: And have you any doubt that this is she?

PALAESTRIO: It seems to be she.

SCELEDRUS: Let us approach her, and accost her. Hallo! how’s this, Philocomasium? What is there owing to you in that house? What is your business there? Why are you silent now? I am speaking to you.

PALAESTRIO: No, faith, you are talking to yourself; for nothing at all does she answer.

SCELEDRUS: I am addressing you, woman, brimful of viciousness and disgrace, who are roaming about among your neighbours.

PHILOCOMASIUM: To whom are you talking?

SCELEDRUS: To whom but to yourself?

PHILOCOMASIUM: What person are you? Or what business have you with me?

SCELEDRUS: O, you ask me who I am, do you?

PHILOCOMASIUM: Why shouldn’t I ask that which I don’t know?

PALAESTRIO: Who am I, then, if you don’t know him?

PHILOCOMASIUM: You are an annoyance to me, whoever you are, both you and he.

SCELEDRUS: What? don’t you know us?

PHILOCOMASIUM: No, neither of you.

SCELEDRUS: I very much fear—

PALAESTRIO: What do you fear?

SCELEDRUS: Why, that we have lost ourselves somewhere or other; for she says that she knows neither you nor me.

PALAESTRIO: I wish, Sceledrus, to examine into this, whether we are ourselves, or else some other persons; lest secretly somehow some one of our neighbours may have transformed us without our knowing it.

SCELEDRUS: For my part, beyond a doubt, I am my own self.

PALAESTRIO: I’ faith, and so am I.

SCELEDRUS: My lady, you are seeking your destruction. To you I am speaking; hark you, Philocomasium!

PHILOCOMASIUM: What craziness possesses you, to be calling me wrongly by a crackjaw name?

SCELEDRUS: How now! What are you called, then?

PHILOCOMASIUM: My name is Glycera.

SCELEDRUS: For a bad purpose, Philocomasium, you wish to have a wrong name. Away with you, shocking woman; for most notably are you doing a wrong to my master.

PHILOCOMASIUM: I?

SCELEDRUS: Yes, you.

PHILOCOMASIUM: I, who arrived from Athens yesterday evening at Ephesus, with my lover, a young man of Athens?

SCELEDRUS: Tell me, what business have you here in Ephesus?

PHILOCOMASIUM: I had heard that my own twin-sister is here in Ephesus; I came here to look for her.

SCELEDRUS: You’re a good-for-nothing woman.

PHILOCOMASIUM: Yes, i’ faith, I am a very foolish one to be parleying with you fellows. I am going.

SCELEDRUS: I won’t let you go.

(Catches hold of her.)

PHILOCOMASIUM: Let me go.

SCELEDRUS: You are discovered in the fact.

I won’t let you go.

PHILOCOMASIUM: But my hands shall just now sound again against your cheek, if you don’t let me go.

SCELEDRUS: (to PALAESTRIO.) Why the plague are you standing idle? Why don’t you hold her on the other side?

PALAESTRIO: I don’t choose to bring the business down upon my back. How do I know but that this is not Philocomasium, but is some other female that resembles her?

PHILOCOMASIUM: Will you let me go, or will you not let me go?

SCELEDRUS: No; by force and against your will, in spite of you,

I’ll drag you home, unless you’ll go of your own accord.

PHILOCOMASIUM: (pointing to the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.) This is my lodging here abroad, at Athens is my home.

SCELEDRUS: But your master lives here.

(pointing to the CAPTAIN’S house.)

PHILOCOMASIUM: I have nothing to do with that house, nor do I know or understand yourselves what persons you are.

SCELEDRUS: Proceed against me at law. I’ll never let you go, until you give me your solemn word that you will go indoors here (pointing to the CAPTAIN’S house) if I let go of you.

PHILOCOMASIUM: You are compelling me by force, whoever you are.

I give you my word, that if you let go of me, I will go into that house where you bid me.

SCELEDRUS: Then, now I let go of you.

PHILOCOMASIUM: And, as I’m let go, I’ll go in here.

(Runs into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.)

SCELEDRUS: She has acted with a woman’s honour.

PALAESTRIO: Sceledrus, you’ve lost the prey through your hands; as sure as possible she is the lady of our master. Do you intend to act in this matter with spirit?

SCELEDRUS: How am I to act?

PALAESTRIO: Bring me a sword out here from in-doors.

SCELEDRUS: What will you do with it?

PALAESTRIO: I’ll break right into the house; and whatever man I see in-doors there caressing Philocomasium, I’ll behead him on the spot.

SCELEDRUS: And do you think that it was she?

PALAESTRIO: I’ faith, it was she, sure enough.

SCELEDRUS: But how she did dissemble.

PALAESTRIO: Go, bring me a sword out here.

SCELEDRUS: I’ll have it here this moment. (Goes into the CAPTAIN’S house.)

(PALAESTRIO alone.)

PALAESTRIO: Beyond a doubt, neither any horse nor foot has so great a degree of boldness in carrying out anything with as much confidence as some women. How cleverly and how skilfully she performed her part in both her characters!—how her wary keeper, my fellow-servant, is being gulled!’Tis most fortunate that the passage communicates through the party-wall.

(Enter SCLEDRUS from the CAPTAIN’s house.)

SCELEDRUS: Hallo! Palaestrio, there’s no occasion for the sword.

PALAESTRIO: How so?—or what’s the matter now?

SCELEDRUS: Our master’s lady is there, at home.

PALAESTRIO: What? At home?

SCELEDRUS: She’s lying on the sofa.

PALAESTRIO: Faith, but you’ve certainly brought on yourself a disagreable affair, according to what you report.

SCELEDRUS: How so?

PALAESTRIO: Inasmuch as you have dared to touch that lady next door here.

SCELEDRUS: I’ faith, I fear it much. But no one shall ever make her to be any other than her own twin-sister.

PALAESTRIO: ’twas she, in troth, that you saw toying: and, in fact,’tis plain that it is she, as you remark.

SCELEDRUS: What was there more likely than that I should have been undone, if I had spoken of it to my master.

PALAESTRIO: Then, if you’re wise, you’ll hold your tongue. It befits a servant to know of more than he speaks. I’m going to leave you, that I may not at all participate in your designs. And I shall go to our neighbour here; these turmoils of yours don’t please me.

My master, if he comes, should he inquire for me, I shall be there; send for me next door.

(Goes into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.)

(SCLEDRUS, alone.)

SCELEDRUS: Well, he’s off; nor cares he any more for his master’s business than if he were not in his service. For sure she really is now here in-doors in the house, for I myself found her just now lying down in our house.

I am resolved now to employ myself in watching.

(Places himself against the CAPTAIN’S door.)

(Enter PERIPLECOMENUS from his house.)

PERIPLECOMENUS: Faith, but these men here, these servants of my neighbour the Captain, take me not to be a man, but a woman, so much do they trifle with me. My lady guest, who came here yesterday from Athens with the gentleman, my guest, is she to be mauled about and made fun of here in the street—a lady, free-born and free?

SCELEDRUS: (aside.) By my troth, I’m undone. He’s coming in a straight line up towards me. I fear that this matter may cause me great trouble, so far as I have heard this old gentleman speak.

PERIPLECOMENUS: I’ll up to this fellow. Was it you, Sceledrus, source of mischief, that were just now making fun of my lady guest before the house?

SCELEDRUS: Good neighbour, listen, I beg.

PERIPLECOMENUS: I, listen to you?

SCELEDRUS: I wish to clear myself.

PERIPLECOMENUS: You, clear yourself to me, who have done an action so gross and so unbecoming? And because you are soldiers, do you suppose, you gallows-bird, that you may do what you like with us?

SCELEDRUS: May I—?

PERIPLECOMENUS: But so may all the Gods and Goddesses prosper me, if a punishment with the rod is not given to you at my request, a long and lasting one, from morning to evening; because you have been breaking my gutters and my tiles, while you were following there a monkey like your own self; because, too, you have been peeping down from there at my guest in my house, when he was caressing and fondling his mistress; besides, you have dared to accuse the chaste lady of your master of criminality, and myself of a heinous offence;

and further, because you have dared to maul about my lady guest before my house. If the punishment of the whip is not given to you, I will cause your master to be more laden with disgrace than the sea is full of waves in a heavy storm.

SCELEDRUS: I am driven to such straits, Periplecomenus, that I don’t know whether it is fitter for me rather to dispute this matter with you, or whether, if she is not our lady, and if our lady was not seen by me, it seems more proper for me to excuse myself to you; as even now I don’t know which I saw, so like is that guest of yours to our lady— if, indeed, she is not the same person.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Go into my house and look: you’ll soon see.

SCELEDRUS: May I go?

PERIPLECOMENUS: Why, I command you; go and examine at your leisure.

SCELEDRUS: I am determined to do so.

(Goes into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.)

PERIPLECOMENUS: (probably looking up to a window in the CAPTAIN’S house.) Ho! Philocomasium! pass instantly, with all speed, into my house;’tis absolutely necessary. Afterwards, when Sceledrus shall have come out from my house, pass quickly, with all haste, back again to your own house. By my troth, now, I’m afraid she’ll be making some blunder. Should he not see the woman My door opens.

(Enter SCLEDRUS from the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.)

SCELEDRUS: O ye immortal Gods! A woman more like, and more the same, who is not the same, I do not think the Gods could make.

PERIPLECOMENUS: What now?

SCELEDRUS: I certainly merit chastisement.

PERIPLECOMENUS: What then? Is it she?

SCELEDRUS: Although’tis she,’tis not she.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Have you seen this lady?

SCELEDRUS: I have seen both her and the gentleman, your guest, caressing and kissing.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Is it she?

SCELEDRUS: I know not.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Would you know for certain?

SCELEDRUS: I should like to.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Go you this instant into your own house: see whether your lady is within.

SCELEDRUS: Very well: you’ve advised me rightly. I’ll be out again to you this instant.

(Goes into the CAPTAIN’S house.)

PERIPLECOMENUS: I’ faith, I never saw any man more cleverly fooled, and by more singular devices.

But here he is coming.

(Enter SCLEDRUS from the CAPTAIN’s house.)

SCELEDRUS: Periplecomenus, by Gods and men, and by my own folly, and by your knees! I do beseech you—

PERIPLECOMENUS: What now?

SCELEDRUS: Pardon my ignorance and my folly; now, at length, I know that I am half-witted, blind, and thoughtless;

for, behold! Philocomasium is at home.

PERIPLECOMENUS: How, then, hang-dog. Have you seen them both?

SCELEDRUS: I have seen them.

PERIPLECOMENUS: I wish you to bring your master to me.

SCELEDRUS: Indeed, I confess that I deserve a very great punishment; and I own that I have done a wrong to your lady guest. But I thought that she was the lady of my master, to whom the Captain, my master, gave me as a keeper; for it is not possible for water ever to be drawn more like to water from the same well, than is she to this lady guest of yours. And I will confess, as well, that I did look through the skylight into your house.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Why shouldn’t you confess what I saw myself?

SCELEDRUS: And there saw in your house this lady guest of yours, kissing.

PERIPLECOMENUS: You saw her?

SCELEDRUS: I saw her. Why should I deny what I did see? But I fancied that I had seen Philocomasium.

PERIPLECOMENUS: And did you suppose me to be the very vilest of all men, in allowing, with my own knowledge, such an injury so glaringly to be done to my neighbour?

SCELEDRUS: Now, at length, I am of opinion that it was done foolishly by me, when I come to understand the matter; but still I did not do it with any ill intent.

PERIPLECOMENUS: Yes, but’twas improperly done; for it befits a person that is a servant to keep his eyes, and hands, and talk, asleep.

SCELEDRUS: Now, if after this day I mutter anything, even what I know for certain, give me over to torture; I’ll give myself up to you. This time, prithee, do pardon me for this.

PERIPLECOMENUS: I shall subdue my feelings, so as to think that it was not done by you with malicious intent.

I will pardon you in this matter.

SCELEDRUS: May the Gods bless you, then!

PERIPLECOMENUS: Troth now, as the Gods may prosper you, really do restrain your tongue henceforth; even that which you do know, don’t know, and don’t you see what you do see.

SCELEDRUS: You counsel me aright; so I’m resolved to do. Are you quite appeased?

PERIPLECOMENUS: Away with you.

SCELEDRUS: Is there aught else you now require of me?

PERIPLECOMENUS: That you would know me not.

(Makes as if he is departing.)

SCELEDRUS: (aside.) He has been cajoling me. How kindly he vouchsafed his favour not to be angry. I know what plan he is upon: that directly the Captain returns home from the Forum, I may be caught at home. He and Palaestrio together have me in their power: I have perceived that, and for some time I’ve known it. I’ faith, never will I be seeking a bait this day from out of that wicker-net. For now somewhither will I betake myself, and for some days will I lie concealed until this turmoil is hushed and their resentment is softened. Enough punishment for my unlucky prating have I already merited.

But still, whatever befals me I’ll be off hence home.

(Goes into the CAPTAIN’S house.)

(PERIPLECOMENUS, alone.)

PERIPLECOMENUS: So he has departed hence. I’ faith, I know right well, that a dead pig full oft has more relish by far than a living one: so bamboozled has he been, that he did not see what he really did see. For his eyes, and ears, and thoughts have come over to us. So far,’tis right cleverly managed; the lady has played her part most excellently. I’ll go back again to my Senate; for Palaestrio is now at home in my house, and now Sceledrus is gone from the door. A full Senate can now be held.

I’ll go in; lest while I am absent, there should be a distribution of their parts among them.

(Goes into his house.)