Chapter 2

(Enter TRANIO, at a distance.)

TRANIO: (to himself.) Supreme Jove, with all his might and resources, is seeking for me and Philolaches, my master’s son, to be undone.

Our hopes are destroyed; nowhere is there any hold for courage; not even Salvation now could save us if she wished. Such an immense mountain of woe have I just now seen at the harbour: my master has arrived from abroad; Tranio is undone! (To the. AUDIENCE.) Is there any person who’d like to make gain of a little money, who could this day endure to take my place in being tortured? Where are those fellows hardened to a flogging, the wearers-out of iron chains, or those, who, for the consideration of three didrachms, would get beneath besieging towers, where some are in the way of having their bodies pierced with fifteen spears? I’ll give a talent to that man who shall be the first to run to the cross for me;

but on condition that twice his feet, twice his arms are fastened there. When that shall have been done, then ask the money down of me. But am I not a wretched fellow, not at full speed to be running home?

PHILOLACHES: Here come the provisions; see, here’s Tranio; he’s come back from the harbour.

TRANIO: (running.) Philolaches!

PHILOLACHES: What’s the matter?

TRANIO: Both I and you—

PHILOLACHES: What about Both I and you?

TRANIO: Are undone!

PHILOLACHES: Why so?

TRANIO: Your father’s here.

PHILOLACHES: What is it I hear of you?

TRANIO: We are finished up. Your father’s come, I say.

PHILOLACHES: (starting up.) Where is he, I do entreat you?

TRANIO: He’s coming.

PHILOLACHES: Coming? Who says so? Who has seen him?

TRANIO: I saw him myself, I tell you.

PHILOLACHES: Woe unto me! what am I about?

TRANIO: Why the plague now do you ask me what you are about? Taking your place at table, of course.

PHILOLACHES: Did you see him?

TRANIO: I my own self, I tell you.

PHILOLACHES: For certain?

TRANIO: For certain, I tell you.

PHILOLACHES: I’m undone, if you are telling the truth.

TRANIO: What good could it be to me if I told a lie?

PHILOLACHES: What shall I do now?

TRANIO: (pointing to the table and couches.) Order all these things to be removed from here. (Pointing.) Who’s that asleep there?

PHILOLACHES: Callidamates.

TRANIO: Arouse him, Delphium.

DELPHIUM: (bawling out in his ear.) Callidamates! Callidamates! awake!

CALLIDAMATES: (raising himself a little.) I am awake; give me something to drink.

DELPHIUM: Awake; the father of Philolaches has arrived from abroad.

CALLIDAMATES: I hope his father’s well.

PHILOLACHES: He is well indeed; but I am utterly undone.

CALLIDAMATES: You, utterly undone? How can that be?

PHILOLACHES: By heavens! do get up, I beg of you; my father has arrived.

CALLIDAMATES: Your father has come? Bid him go back again. What business had he to come back here so soon?

PHILOLACHES: What am I to do? My father will, just now, be coming and unfortunately finding me amid drunken carousals, and the house full of revellers and women. It’s a shocking bad job, to be digging a well at the last moment, just when thirst has gained possession of your throat; just as I, on the arrival of my father, wretch that I am, am now enquiring what I am to do.

TRANIO: (pointing at CALLIDAMATES.) Why look, he has laid down his head and gone to sleep. Do arouse him.

PHILOLACHES: (shaking him.) Will you awake now? My father, I tell you, will be here this instant.

CALLIDAMATES: How say you? Your father? Give me my shoes, that I may take up arms. On my word, I’ll kill your father this instant.

PHILOLACHES: (seizing hold of him.) You’re spoiling the whole business;

do hold your tongue.

(To DELPHIUM.) Prithee, do carry him off in your arms into the house.

CALLIDAMATES: (To DELPHIUM, who is lifting him up.) Upon my faith, I’ll be making an utensil of you just now, if you don’t find me one. (He is led off into the house.)

PHILOLACHES: I’m undone!

TRANIO: Be of good courage; I’ll cleverly find a remedy for this alarm.

PHILOLACHES: I’m utterly ruined!

TRANIO: Do hold your tongue; I’ll think of something by means of which to alleviate this for you. Are you satisfied, if on his arrival I shall so manage your father, not only that he shall not enter, but even that he shall run away to a distance from the house? Do you only be off from here in-doors, and remove these things from here with all haste.

PHILOLACHES: Where am I to be?

TRANIO: Where you especially desire: with her (pointing to PHILEMATIUM); with this girl, too, you’ll be. (Pointing to DELPHEIUM.)

DELPHIUM: How then? Are we to go away from here?

TRANIO: Not far from here, Delphium. For carouse away in the house not a bit the less on account of this.

PHILOLACHES: Ah me! I’m in a sweat with fear as to how these fine words are to end!

TRANIO: Can you not be tranquil in your mind, and do as I bid you?

PHILOLACHES: I can be.

TRANIO: In the first place of all, Philematium, do you go in-doors; and you, Delphium.

DELPHIUM: We’ll both be obedient to you. (They go into the house.)

TRANIO: May Jupiter grant it so! Now then, do you give attention as to what I’d have attended to.

In the first place, then, before anything, cause the house to be shut up at once. Take care and don’t let any one whisper a word indoors.

PHILOLACHES: Care shall be taken.

TRANIO: Just as though no living being were dwelling within the house.

PHILOLACHES: Very well.

TRANIO: And let no one answer, when the old gentleman knocks at the door.

PHILOLACHES: Anything else?

TRANIO: Order the master-key of the house to be brought me at once from within; this house I’ll lock here on the outside.

PHILOLACHES: To your charge I commit myself, Tranio, and my hopes. (He goes into the house, and the things are removed from the stage.)

TRANIO: (to himself.) It matters not a feather whether a patron or a dependant is the nearest at hand for that man who has got no courage in his breast.

For to every man, whether very good or very bad, even at a moment’s notice, it is easy to act with craft; but this must be looked to, this is the duty of a prudent man, that what has been planned and done in craftiness, may all come about smoothly and without mishap;

so that he may not have to put up with anything by reason of which he might be loth to live; just as I shall manage, that, from the confusion which we shall here create, all shall really go on smoothly and tranquilly, and not produce us any inconvenience in the results. (Enter a BOY, from the house.) But, why have you come out?

I’m undone!

(The BOY shows him the key.) O very well, you’ve obeyed my orders most opportunely.

A BOY: He bade me most earnestly to entreat you some way or other to scare away his father, that he may not enter the house.

TRANIO: Even more, tell him this, that I’ll cause that he shan’t venture even to look at the house, and to take to flight, covering up his head with the greatest alarm.

Give me the key (taking it), and be off in-doors, and shut to the door, and I’ll lock it on this side. (The BOY goes into the house, and TRANIO locks the door.) Bid him now come forthwith. For the old gentleman here while still alive this day will I institute games in his presence, such as I fancy there will never be for him when he’s dead. (Moving away.) I’ll go away from the door to this spot; hence, I’ll look out afar in which direction to lay the burden on the old fellow on his arrival. (Exit to a little distance.)

(Enter THEUROPIDES, followed by ATTENDANTS.)

THEUROPIDES: (to himself.) Neptune, I do return extreme thanks to thee that thou hast just dismissed me from thee, though scarce alive. But if, from this time forward, thou shalt only know that I have stirred a foot upon the main, there is no reason why, that instant, thou shouldst not do with me that which thou hast now wished to do. Away with you, away with you from me henceforth for ever after to-day; what I was to entrust to thee, all of it have I now entrusted. (overhearing him.)

TRANIO: (apart.) By my troth, Neptune, you’ve been much to blame, to have lost this opportunity so fair.

THEUROPIDES: After three years, I’ve arrived home from Aegypt. I shall come a welcome guest to my household, I suppose.

TRANIO: (apart.) Upon my faith, he might have come a much more welcome one, who had brought the tidings you were dead.

THEUROPIDES: (looking at the door.) But what means this? Is the door shut in the daytime?

I’ll knock. (Knocks at the door.) Hallo, there! is any one going to open this door for me?

TRANIO: (coming forward, and speakcing aloud.) What person is it that has come so near to our house?

THEUROPIDES: Surely this is my servant Tranio.

TRANIO: O Theuropides, my master, welcome; I’m glad that you’ve arrived in safety. Haveyou been well all along?

THEUROPIDES: All along, as you see.

TRANIO: That’s very good.

THEUROPIDES: What about yourselves? Are you all mad?

TRANIO: Why so?

THEUROPIDES: For this reason; because you are walking about outside; not a born person is keeping watch in the house, either to open or to give an answer. With kicking with my feet I’ve almost broken in the pannels?

TRANIO: How now? Have you been touching this house?

THEUROPIDES: Why shouldn’t I touch it? Why, with kicking it, I tell you, I’ve almost broken down the door.

TRANIO: What, you touched it?

THEUROPIDES: I touched it, I tell you, and knocked at it.

TRANIO: Out upon you!

THEUROPIDES: Why so?

TRANIO: By heavens!’twas ill done.

THEUROPIDES: What is the matter?

TRANIO: It cannot be expressed, how shocking and dreadful a mischief you’ve been guilty of.

THEUROPIDES: How so?

TRANIO: Take to flight, I beseech you, and get away from the house. Fly in this direction, fly closer to me. (He runs to wards TRANIO.) What, did you touch the door?

THEUROPIDES: How could I knock, if I didn’t touch it?

TRANIO: By all that’s holy, you’ve been the death—

THEUROPIDES: Of what person?

TRANIO: Of all your family.

THEUROPIDES: May the Gods and Goddesses confound you with that omen.

TRANIO: I’m afraid that you can’t make satisfaction for yourself and them.

THEUROPIDES: For what reason, or what new affair is this that you thus suddenly bring me news of?

TRANIO: And (whispering) hark you, prithee, do bid those people to move away from here. (Pointing to the ATTENDANTS of THEUROPIDES.)

THEUROPIDES: (to the ATTENDANTS.) Move away from here.

TRANIO: Don’t you touch the house. Touch you the ground as well. (Exeunt the ATTENDANTS.)

THEUROPIDES: I’ faith, prithee, do speak out now.

TRANIO: Because it is now seven months that not a person has set foot within this house, and since we once for all left it.

THEUROPIDES: Tell me, why so?

TRANIO: Just look around, whether there’s any person to overhear our discourse.

THEUROPIDES: (looking around.) All’s quite safe.

TRANIO: Look around once more.

THEUROPIDES: (looking around.) There’s nobody; now then, speak out.

TRANIO: (in a loud whisper.) The house has been guilty of a capital offence.

THEUROPIDES: I don’t understand you.

TRANIO: A crime, I tell you, has been committed there, a long while ago, one of olden time and ancient date.

THEUROPIDES: Of ancient date?

TRANIO: ’Tis but recently, in fact, that we’ve discovered this deed.

THEUROPIDES: What is this crime, or who committed it? Tell me.

TRANIO: A host slew his guest, seized with his hand;

he, I fancy, who sold you the house.

THEUROPIDES: Slew him?

TRANIO: And robbed this guest of his gold, and buried this guest there in the house, on the spot.

THEUROPIDES: For what reason do you suspect that this took place?

TRANIO: I’ll tell you; listen. One day, when your son had dined away from home, after he returned home from dining;

we all went to bed, and fell asleep. By accident, I had forgotten to put out my lamp; and he, all of a sudden, called out aloud—

THEUROPIDES: What person? My son?

TRANIO: Hist! hold your peace: just listen.

He said that a dead man came to him in his sleep—

THEUROPIDES: In his dreams, then, you mean?

TRANIO: Just so. But only listen. He said that he had met with his death by these means—

THEUROPIDES: What, in his sleep?

TRANIO: It would have been surprising if he had told him awake, who had been murdered sixty years ago.

On some occasions you are absurdly simple.

But look, what he said: I am the guest of Diapontius, from beyond the seas; here do I dwell; this has been assigned me as my abode; for Orcus would not receive me in Acheron, because prematurely I lost my life. Through confiding was I deceived: my entertainer slew me here, and that villain secretly laid me in the ground without funereal rites, in this house, on the spot, for the sake of gold. Now do you depart from here; this house is accursed, this dwelling is defiled.

The wonders that here take place, hardly in a year could I recount them.

Hush, hush! (He starts.)

THEUROPIDES: Troth now, what has happened, prithee?

TRANIO: The door made a noise.

Was it he that was knocking?

THEUROPIDES: (turning pale.) I have not one drop of blood! Dead men are come to fetch me to Acheron, while alive!

TRANIO: (aside.) I’m undone! those people there will mar my plot. (A noise is heard from within.) How much I dread, lest he should catch me in the fact.

THEUROPIDES: What are you talking about to yourself? (Goes near the door.)

TRANIO: Do get away from the door. By heavens, fly, I do beseech you.

THEUROPIDES: Fly where? Fly yourself, as well.

TRANIO: I am not afraid: I am at peace with the dead.

A VOICE: (from within.) Hallo! Tranio.

TRANIO: (in a low voice, near the door.) You won’t be calling me, if you are wise. (Aloud, as if speaking to the APPARITION.)’Tis not I that’s guilty; I did not knock at the door.

THEUROPIDES: Pray, what is it that’s wrong? What matter is agitating you, Tranio? To whom are you saying these things?

TRANIO: Prithee, was it you that called me?

So may the Gods bless me, I fancied it was this dead man expostulating because you had knocked at the door. But are you still standing there, and not doing what I advise you?

THEUROPIDES: What am I to do?

TRANIO: Take care not to look back. Fly; cover up your head!

THEUROPIDES: Why don’t you fly?

TRANIO: I am at peace with the dead.

THEUROPIDES: I recollect. Why then were you so dreadfully alarmed just now?

TRANIO: Have no care for me, I tell you; I’ll see to myself. You, as you have begun to do, fly as quick as ever you can; Hercules, too, you will invoke.

THEUROPIDES: Hercules, I do invoke thee! (Runs off.)

TRANIO: (to himself.) And I, as well, old fellow, that; this day he’ll send some heavy mishap upon you.

O ye immortal Gods, I do implore your aid. Plague on it! what a mess I have got into to-day. (Exit.)