Chapter 1

(Enter TOXILUS and SAGARISTIO, on different sides..)

TOXILUS: (to himself.) He who, falling in love, destitute of means, has first entered upon the paths of love, has in his own labours exceeded all the labours of Hercules. For with the lion, and with the Hydra, with the stag, with the Aetolian boar, with the birds of Stamphalus, with Antaeus, would I rather contend than with love. So wretched am I become with hunting after money to borrow; and yet, those whom I ask know of nothing to answer me, except I have got none.

SAGARISTIO: (apart.) The servant that is desirous faithfully to serve his master, i’ troth, it surely does behove him to treasure up full many a thing in his breast which he may think will please his master, both present and abroad.

I neither serve with cheerfulness, nor am I quite to my master’s satisfaction; but, as though from a running eye, my master is still unable to keep his hands off me, in giving me his commands, in making me the support of his affairs.

TOXILUS: Who’s this that’s standing opposite to me?

SAGARISTIO: Who’s that that’s standing opposite to me?

TOXILUS: It’s like Sagaristio.

SAGARISTIO: Surely this is my friend Toxilus.

TOXILUS: Certainly it is he.

SAGARISTIO: I think it is he.

TOXILUS: I’ll go meet him.

SAGARISTIO: I’ll go up and accost him.

TOXILUS: (meeting him.) O Sagaristio, may the Gods bless you.

SAGARISTIO: O Sagaristio, the Gods grant you what you may desire. How fare you?

TOXILUS: Just as I can.

SAGARISTIO: What’s the matter?

TOXILUS: I still live.

SAGARISTIO: Quite then to your satisfaction?

TOXILUS: If the things come to pass which I desire, quite.

SAGARISTIO: You deal with your friends in a very silly fashion.

TOXILUS: How so?

SAGARISTIO: Because you ought to give them your commands.

TOXILUS: As for myself, you were already dead to me, because I haven’t seen you.

SAGARISTIO: Business, upon my faith—

TOXILUS: In the iron chain line, perhaps.

SAGARISTIO: For more than a twelvemonth I’ve been promoted in chains to be commanding officer in the basting line at the mill.

TOXILUS: Why, that’s your old line of service.

SAGARISTIO: Have you been quite well all along?

TOXILUS: Not very.

SAGARISTIO: I’ faith, it’s with reason then you are so pale.

TOXILUS: I’ve been wounded in the battles of Venus;

Cupid has pierced my heart with his arrow.

SAGARISTIO: Do servants then fall in love here?

TOXILUS: Why, what could I do? Was I to be struggling against the Gods? Was I, like the sons of Titan, to be waging war with the Deities, with whom I am not quite able to cope?

SAGARISTIO: Do you only take care that catapultae made of elm don’t pierce your sides.

TOXILUS: In right royal manner I’m celebrating the feast of Freedom.

SAGARISTIO: How so?

TOXILUS: Because my master’s gone abroad.

SAGARISTIO: Do you say so?

Is he gone abroad?

TOXILUS: If you can bear to be enjoying yourself, do you come: you shall live with me; you shall be treated with right royal entertainment.

SAGARISTIO: Out upon it (rubbing himself.) my shoulder-blades are quite itching now, because I’ve heard you mention these things.

TOXILUS: But this one thing is torturing me.

SAGARISTIO: Why, what is it?

TOXILUS: This day is the very last day, to determine whether my mistress is to be free, or whether she is to endure lasting servitude.

SAGARISTIO: What, then, do you now desire?

TOXILUS: You have it in your power to make me your friend for ever.

SAGARISTIO: In what way?

TOXILUS: In lending me six hundred didrachms, for me to pay the same for her freedom, which I will forthwith refund you in the next three or four days. Come, do be good-natured; give me your help.

SAGARISTIO: With what assurance, you impudent fellow, do you venture to ask so much money of me?

Why, if I myself were to be sold all in one lot, it’s hardly possible for as much to be received as you are asking me for; for now you are asking for water from a pumice-stone, which is all a-dry itself.

TOXILUS: Ought you to be treating me in this fashion?

SAGARISTIO: What am I to do?

TOXILUS: Do you ask the question? Beg it on loan from somebody.

SAGARISTIO: You do the same as you are asking me.

TOXILUS: I’ve been trying; I’ve found it nowhere.

SAGARISTIO: I really will try, if any one will trust me.

TOXILUS: Am I then to consider it as a thing in possibility?

SAGARISTIO: If I had had it at home, I’d promise it at once. This is in my power, to use my best endeavours.

TOXILUS: Whatever it is, come you home to me.

SAGARISTIO: Still do you try to get it; I’ll carefully do the same. If anything shall turn up, I’ll let you know at once.

TOXILUS: I entreat you, and entreat over and over again, do give me your stanch help in this.

SAGARISTIO: O dear! you are worrying me to death by your importunity.

TOXILUS: It’s through the fault of love, and not my own, that I’m now become a silly prater to you.

SAGARISTIO: Then, i’ troth, I’ll now be taking my leave of you. (Moving.)

TOXILUS: Are you going away, then? A good walk to you. But betake yourself back as soon as you can, and do take care that I haven’t to seek you; I shall be close at home until I have cooked up a mishap for the Procurer. (Exit SAGARISTIO, and TOXILUS goes into the house.)

(Enter SATURIO.)

SATURIO: (to himself.) The old and ancient calling of my forefathers do I follow, and hold, and cultivate with great care.

For never was there any one of my forefathers, but that by acting the parasite they filled their bellies: my father, grandfather, great-grandfather, great-great-grandfather, his father, and his grandfather, just like mice, always fed on the victuals of others, and in love of good eating no one could excel them.

Hard Heads was their surname. From them have I derived this calling, and the station of my forefathers; nor do I wish myself to turn informer, nor indeed does it become me, without risk of my own, to go seize upon the goods of other people; nor do those persons please who do so; I’m speaking out.

For whoever does this, more for the sake of the public than of his own benefit, my mind can be induced to believe that he is a citizen both faithful and deserving; but if he should not prosecute to conviction the breaker of the laws, let him pay one half of the intended penalty to the public. And let this, too, be written in that law;

when an informer has prosecuted any one, let the other in his turn sue him for just as much, and upon equal terms let them come before the Triumvirs. If that were done, assuredly I’d make those nowhere to be seen, who here with their whitened nets lay siege to the property of others.

But am I not a simpleton, to be taking care of the public interests when there are the magistrates, whose duty it is to take care of them? Now I’ll in-doors here; I’ll go look after the scraps from yesterday, whether they have rested well or not; whether they have had a fever; whether they’ve been well covered up or not, so that no one could creep up to them.

But the door is opening; I must pause in my steps.

(Enter TOXILUS, from the house of his MASTER.)

TOXILUS: (to himself.) I’ve hit upon the whole matter, so that with his own money the Procurer may this day make her his freed-woman. But see, here’s the Parasite whose assistance I have need of. I’ll make believe as though I didn’t see him; in that way I’ll allure the fellow.

(Goes to the door, and calls to the SERVANTS within.) Do you attend, you there, and quickly make haste, that I mayn’t have any delay when I come in-doors. Mix the honied wine; get ready the quinces and the junkets, that they may be nicely warmed upon the dishes, and throw in some scented calamus. I’ faith, that boon-companion of mine, I fancy, will be here just now.

SATURIO: (apart.) He’s meaning me—bravo!

TOXILUS: I think that he’ll be here just now from the baths when he has bathed.

SATURIO: (apart.) How he does keep everything in its due order.

TOXILUS: Take you care that the gravy-cakes and the cheese-biscuits are hot; don’t be giving them to me unbaked.

SATURIO: (apart.) He’s speaking the very fact; they are worth nothing raw, only if you swallow them warm.

Then, unless the broth for the gravy-cakes is of a thick consistency, that miserable, thin, pale, transparent stuff, is worth nothing at all. The broth for a gravy-cake ought to be like a soup. I don’t want it to be going into my bladder, I want it for my stomach.

TOXILUS: (pretending not to see him.) Some one, I know not who, is talking near me here.

SATURIO: (accosting him.) O my earthly Jupiter, your fellow-feaster addresses you.

TOXILUS: O Saturio, you’ve come opportunely for me.

SATURIO: Upon my faith, you are telling a lie, and it becomes you not; for as Hungerio I’m come, not as Saturio am I come.

TOXILUS: But you shall have something to eat; for now the creature-comforts for the stomach are smoking away in-doors.

I’ve ordered the remnants to be warmed.

SATURIO: Why, it’s the proper thing for the gammon to be served up cold the day after.

TOXILUS: I’ve ordered it so to be done.

SATURIO: Any caviare?

TOXILUS: Get out—do you ask the question?

SATURIO: You have a capital notion of what’s good.

TOXILUS: But do you at all remember the matter about which I was making mention to you yesterday?

SATURIO: I recollect; that the lamprey and the conger ought not to be made warm; for they are much better stripped of their meat when cold. But why do we delay to commence the engagement? While it’s the morning, it befits all people to eat.

TOXILUS: It’s almost too early in the morning.

SATURIO: The business that you begin to do in the morning, that same lasts on throughout the day.

TOXILUS: Prithee, do give your attention to this. For yesterday I mentioned it to you, and entreated you to lend me six hundred didrachms.

SATURIO: I recollect it and am aware, both that you did ask me, and that I hadn’t any to lend.

A Parasite’s good for nothing that has got money at home; he has a longing at once to begin upon an entertainment, and to gobble away at his own expense, if he has anything at home. A Parasite ought to be a right down needy Cynic; he ought to have a leather bottle, a strigil, an utensil, a pair of slippers, a cloak, and a purse; and in that a little of the needful, with which he may just cheer up the existence of his own household.

TOXILUS: I don’t want money now; lend me your daughter.

SATURIO: By my troth, never to any person whatsoever have I lent her as yet.

TOXILUS: Not for that purpose which you are insinuating.

SATURIO: Why do you want her then?

TOXILUS: You shall know;

because she’s of a pretty and genteel figure.

SATURIO: Such is the fact.

TOXILUS: This Procurer (pointing to the house of DORDALUS.) neither knows yourself nor your daughter.

SATURIO: How should any one know me, except him who finds me food?

TOXILUS: Such is the fact. This way you can find some money for me.

SATURIO: I’ faith, I wish I could.

TOXILUS: Then do you allow me to sell her.

SATURIO: You to sell her?

TOXILUS: Why no, I’ll depute another person to sell her, and to say that he is a foreigner; since it isn’t six months since that Procurer removed hither from Megara.

SATURIO: The remnants are spoiling; this, however, can be done afterwards.

TOXILUS: Do you understand on what terms it can?

Never, on my word, shall you eat here this day, so don’t be mistaken, before you declare to me that you’ll do this that I’m requesting; and unless you bring your daughter with you hither at once as soon as you can, by my faith, I’ll cashier you from this squad. What now? What’s the matter? Why don’t you say what you will do?

SATURIO: I’ troth, prithee sell even myself as well, if you like, so long as you sell me with my stomach full.

TOXILUS: If you are going to do this, do it.

SATURIO: For my part, I’ll do what you desire,

TOXILUS: You act kindly. Make haste, be off home; cleverly tutor your daughter beforehand, instruct her cunningly, what she is to say, where she is to declare she was born, who were her parents, how she was kidnapped. But let her declare that she was born at a distance from Athens; and let her shed tears when she makes mention of it.

SATURIO: Now won’t you hold your tongue? Three times more artful is she than you would have her be.

TOXILUS: I’ troth, you say what’s excellent. But do you know what you are to do? Get a tunic and a girdle, and bring a scarf and a broad-brimmed hat for him to wear who is to sell her to this Procurer—

SATURIO: Well-capital!

TOXILUS: As though he were a foreigner.

SATURIO: I approve of it—

TOXILUS: And do you bring your daughter cleverly drest up after a foreign fashion.

SAGARISTIO: Où sont the dresses?

TOXILUS: Borrow them of the chorus-leader.

He ought to lend them; the Aediles have contracted for them to be found.

SATURIO: I’ll have them here just now. But I’m to be acquainted with nothing of these matters?

TOXILUS: I’ faith, nothing, in fact. But, when I’ve got the money, do you at once claim her of the Procurer.

SATURIO: Let him keep her for himself, if I don’t immediately carry her off from him.

TOXILUS: Be off and attend to this. (Exit SATURIO.) In the meantime, I want to send a boy to my mistress; that she may be of good courage, and that I shall manage it to-day. I’m talking too much at length. (Goes into the house.)