Chapter 2

(Enter SOPHOCLIDISCA and LEMNISELENE, from the house of DORDALUS.)

SOPHOCLIDISCA: It were enough to tell an untaught, thoughtless, silly girl the same thing so many times over; really, in fact, I do imagine that I’m quite looked upon by you as a blockhead and a country booby.

Although I do drink wine, still I’m not in the habit of swallowing down your commands together with it. I really had fancied that both myself and my ways had now been sufficiently proved by you; for, as for me, I’ve attended you now these five years; whereas, in that time, a cuckoo even, I do believe, if he had gone to school, could by now have been made to know his letters well; while, in the meantime, whether speaking or not speaking, you have not made yourself acquainted with my disposition.

Can you not hold your tongue? Can you not cease advising me? I remember, and I know, and I understand, and I keep in mind; i’ faith, you are in love, poor thing; on that account your mind’s disturbed. I’ll cause that that shall be calmed for you.

LEMNISELENE: Wretched is the person that’s in love. (Goes into the house.)

SOPHOCLIDISCA: (to herself.) Good for nothing, indeed, he certainly is, who is in love with nothing. What need has that person of life? I ought to go, that I may prove obedient to my mistress; that through my aid she may the sooner become a free woman. I’ll go meet this Toxilus, however; his ears I’ll stuff with what has been enjoined upon me. (Stands aside.)

(Enter, from the house, TOXILUS and PAEGNIUM.)

TOXILUS: Are these things quite clear and certain to you—do you quite remember and understand them?

PAEGNIUM: Better than you who have instructed me.

TOXILUS: Say you so, you whip-rascal?

PAEGNIUM: I really do say so.

TOXILUS: What did I say then P

PAEGNIUM: I’ll tell it to her all correctly.

TOXILUS: I’ faith, you don’t know it.

PAEGNIUM: Troth now, lay me a wager that I don’t remember and know it all.

TOXILUS: Why, for my part, I’ll lay a wager with you on this, whether you know your own self, how many fingers you have this day upon your hand.

PAEGNIUM: Without hesitation—if you are desirous to lose.

TOXILUS: A fair truce rather let there be.

PAEGNIUM: For that reason, then, do you let me go.

TOXILUS: I both bid and permit you.

But I wish you so to attend to it, that you are back home while I’m thinking that you are there.

PAEGNIUM: I’ll do so. (Moves towards their own house.)

TOXILUS: Whither are you now going?

PAEGNIUM: Home; that I may be at home while you are thinking that I am there.

TOXILUS: You are a rascal of a boy, and—for this service I’ll give you something to add to your savings.

PAEGNIUM: I’m aware how want of shame is wont to be imputed to a master’s word, and that masters cannot ever be compelled to appear before the judge on account of those promises.

TOXILUS: Be off now.

PAEGNIUM: I’ll give you reason to command me.

TOXILUS: But, Paegnium, take you care and give that letter to Lemniselene herself, and tell her what I bade you.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: (apart.) Do I delay to go whither I was sent?

PAEGNIUM: I’m off.

TOXILUS: Then do be off; I’ll off home. Take care and manage this business with attention. Fly post haste. (Goes into the house.)

PAEGNIUM: That’s what the ostrich is wont to do in the Circus.

He’s off from here in-doors there. But who’s this woman that’s coming towards me?

SOPHOCLIDISCA: (advancing.) Surely this is Paegnium.

PAEGNIUM: This is Sophoclidisca, the private servant of her to whom I’m sent.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: (aside.) There’s not a person this day that’s reported to be more artful than this boy. I’ll accost him.

PAEGNIUM: At this bar

I must come to a stop.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Paegnium, my charmer of a boy, save you; how are you? How do you do?

PAEGNIUM: Sophoclidisca, the Gods will favour me.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Why me? Which of us?

PAEGNIUM: I’ faith, I don’t know. But if they were to do as you deserve, by my troth they’d hold you in hate, and treat you but badly.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Do leave off your abusive talking.

PAEGNIUM: Since I’m saying just as you I’m talking to deserve, properly, not abusively.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: What are you about now?

PAEGNIUM: Standing opposite to you, looking at a worthless woman.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: For my own part, assuredly, I do not know any more good-for-nothing boy than yourself.

PAEGNIUM: What mischief do I do, or to what person do I speak abusively?

SOPHOCLIDISCA: I’ faith, to every one that you have the opportunity.

PAEGNIUM: Not an individual has ever thought so.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: But, i’ faith, full many a one knows that so it is.

PAEGNIUM: Heyday, indeed!

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Heyday, indeed!

PAEGNIUM: According to your own disposition you judge of the ways of others.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: I certainly do confess that I’m just as befits one of a Procurer’s household to be.

PAEGNIUM: I’ve now had enough of your chattering.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: What say you? Do you plead guilty to what I take you to be?

PAEGNIUM: If I were so, I should confess it.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Be off then; you’ve got the victory.

PAEGNIUM: Now then be off with you.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Do you then tell me this—whither are you going?

PAEGNIUM: Whither are you?

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Say you.

PAEGNIUM: Say you.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: I was the first to ask.

PAEGNIUM: Then you shall be the last to know.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: I’m going not far hence.

PAEGNIUM: And I, indeed, not far.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Whither then, you rascal?

PAEGNIUM: Unless I know first of you, you shall never know this of me that you are enquiring.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: On my honor you shall never this day know before I’ve heard it of you.

PAEGNIUM: Is such the fact?

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Is such the fact?

PAEGNIUM: You are a worthless one.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Rogue.

PAEGNIUM: That befits me.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Me then it does not befit.

PAEGNIUM: What do you say? Are you quite determined, you hussy, to conceal whither you are going?

SOPHOCLIDISCA: And are you quite resolved to hide whither you are betaking yourself, you scoundrel?

PAEGNIUM: You are giving answer to what I say like for like; be off with you then, since such is your determination. I don’t care at all to know. Good-bye. (Moving.)

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Stop!

PAEGNIUM: But I’m in a hurry.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: And, i’ faith, I as well.

PAEGNIUM: Have you got anything? (Pointing to her hand.)

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Have you anything? (Pointing likewise.)

PAEGNIUM: Really nothing whatever.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Show me your hand then.

PAEGNIUM: (showing his right hand.) Is this the hand?

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Where is that other, the pilfering left hand?

PAEGNIUM: (hiding his left hand.) Why, it is at home, d’ye see; I’ve not brought one hither.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: (trying to seize his hand.) You’ve got something, what it is I know not.

PAEGNIUM: (pushing her away.) Don’t be mauling me about you she-groper.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: But suppose I’m in love with you.

PAEGNIUM: You employ your pains to no purpose.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Why so?

PAEGNIUM: Why, because you are in love with nothing at all, when you are in love with one who doesn’t return it.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: It befits these youthful looks and age to be on the watch for pleasure in good time;

so that, when your hair comes to change its hue, you may not be always in a grovelling servitude. Why, really, as yet you are not eighty pounds in weight.

PAEGNIUM: Still, that warfare is waged much more successfully by spirit than by weight. But I’m losing my pains.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Why so?

PAEGNIUM: Because I’m teaching those who know it all. But I’m loitering here. (Moves.)

SOPHOCLIDISCA: (taking hold of him.) Do stop.

PAEGNIUM: You are annoying to me.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: And so I shall be then, if I don’t find out whither you are betaking yourself.

PAEGNIUM: To your house.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: And I to your house, i’ faith.

PAEGNIUM: Why thither?

SOPHOCLIDISCA: What’s that to you?

PAEGNIUM: (standing before her.) Why, you shan’t go now, unless, in return, I know.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: You are teazing.

PAEGNIUM: I choose to.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Never, upon my faith, shall you wring this out of me, so as to prove yourself more artful than I am.

PAEGNIUM: It’s a misery to contend with you in artfulness.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: You are a mischievous baggage.

PAEGNIUM: What is there for you to fear?

SOPHOCLIDISCA: The very same that there is for you.

PAEGNIUM: Say then, what is it?

SOPHOCLIDISCA: But I’m forbidden to tell this to any person, and am instructed that all the dumb people are to speak of it before myself.

PAEGNIUM: And most especially was I cautioned not to trust this to any person, so that all the dumb people were to mention this before myself.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Still, do you do so; on giving our words, let’s trust each other.

PAEGNIUM: I know this—all procuresses are light of faith, and the weight of a water-gnat is not more light than is the word of a procurer.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Tell me, there’s a dear.

PAEGNIUM: Tell me, there’s a dear.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: I don’t want to be your dear.

PAEGNIUM: You’ll easily prevail upon me in that.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Keep it yourself.

PAEGNIUM: And you be mum about this. (Showing her a letter.)

SOPHOCLIDISCA: It shall be kept a secret.

PAEGNIUM: It shall not be known. (She shows him a letter.)

SOPHOCLIDISCA: I’m carrying this letter to Toxilus, your master.

PAEGNIUM: Be off; he’s there at home. And I am carrying this pinewood tablet sealed, to Lemniselene, your mistress.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: What’s written there.

PAEGNIUM: If you don’t know, pretty much like yourself, I don’t know, except soft words, perhaps.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: I’m off.

PAEGNIUM: And I’ll be off.

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Move on then. (They go into the respective houses.)

(Enter SAGARISTO.)

SAGARISTIO: (to himself.) To Jove the opulent, the renowned, the son of Ops, the strong, the mighty in power, who riches, hopes, kind plenty does bestow, joyously and gratefully do I offer the sacrifice of thanksgiving, inasmuch as in a friendly way they have bestowed for my friend this opportunity of satisfying his necessity and of borrowing the money, so that I can lend him aid in his need. Whereas I no more dreamed, or thought, or imagined that I should have this opportunity—that same has now fallen from heaven as it were.

For my master has sent me to Eretria; he has given me the money to purchase some trained oxen for him; but he said that the fair would take place seven days hence;

a simpleton to trust this money to me whose propensity he knew; for this money I shall misapply in some other purpose: there were no oxen for me to buy. Now I’ll both promote the success of my friend, and will give my inclination full enjoyment. The pleasures that belong to a long time will I serve up in a single day. Crack, crack it will be upon my back; I don’t care.

Now, to a person that is my friend I shall present these trained oxen from out of my purse; for this, in fact, is a delightful thing, handsomely to bite your thrice-dotted niggardly, antiquated, covetous, spiritless people, who against their servant seal up the saltcellar with the salt. It’s a virtue, when occasion prompts, to hold them in contempt. What will he do to me? He’ll order me to be beaten with stripes, the fetters to be put on. I may get a beating.

Don’t let him fancy that I shall go begging to him. Woe be unto him! Nothing new can now be inflicted upon me but what I have already experienced it. But see, here comes Paegnium, Toxilus’s boy.

(Enter PAEGNIUM, from the house of DORDALUS.)

PAEGNIUM: (to himself.) My task that was set me I’ve finished; now I’m hastening home.

SAGARISTIO: Stop, although you are in haste—Paegnium, listen to me.

PAEGNIUM: You ought to buy a person, for you to desire to be obedient to you. (Moves on.)

SAGARISTIO: Stop there, I say.

PAEGNIUM: You’d be giving some trouble, I fancy, if I were to be owing you anything, who are now so troublesome.

SAGARISTIO: You rascal, will you look back then?

PAEGNIUM: I am aware of what age I am; for that reason you shall get off for this abuse with impunity.

SAGARISTIO: Where is Toxilus, your master?

PAEGNIUM: Wherever he pleases, and he don’t ask your advice.

SAGARISTIO: Won’t you tell me, then, where he is, you villain?

PAEGNIUM: I don’t know, I say, you elm-twig spoiler.

SAGARISTIO: You are abusive to your senior.

PAEGNIUM: As you deserved it first, do you put up with it. My master bade me hold my labour at his bidding, my tongue in freedom.

SAGARISTIO: Will you not tell me, where is Toxilus?

PAEGNIUM: I tell you that—you may go to perdition everlasting.

SAGARISTIO: This day you shall be flogged with a rope’s end.

PAEGNIUM: On your account, indeed, you cuckoo! I’ faith, you carrion, if I were to give you a broken head, I shouldn’t be afraid of that.

SAGARISTIO: I understand you, you’ve been up to some bad work just now.

PAEGNIUM: So I have. What business is that to you?

But I haven’t, like yourself, all for nothing.

SAGARISTIO: Assurance!

PAEGNIUM: I’ faith, I certainly am; for I am assured that I shall be free; don’t be hoping that you’ll ever be so.

SAGARISTIO: Can’t you cease your impertinence?

PAEGNIUM: That which you are mentioning, you can’t do yourself.

SAGARISTIO: Away with you to utter perdition.

PAEGNIUM: And off home with you; for there it’s all ready prepared for you.

SAGARISTIO: He summons me on my recognizances.

PAEGNIUM: I only wish the sureties may be out of the way, so that you may get to prison.

SAGARISTIO: Why’s this?

PAEGNIUM: Aye, why is it?

SAGARISTIO: Still abusing me, rascal?

PAEGNIUM: Why, inasmuch as you are a slave, it ought at least to be allowed a slave to abuse you.

SAGARISTIO: And is it so? Just look (holding up his fist.) what I shall give you.

PAEGNIUM: Nothing; for nothing have you.

SAGARISTIO: May all the Gods and Goddesses confound me, if I don’t this very day, if I lay hold of you, fell you to the ground with blows.

PAEGNIUM: I am your friend; I trust that what you wish may befall you, and that it may come to pass;

if you fell me, may others make you feel yourself fixed to the cross before long.

SAGARISTIO: But you may the Gods and Goddesses—You understand what I was going to say after that, if I hadn’t been able to restrain my tongue. Can’t you be off?

PAEGNIUM: You drive me off with ease; for already my shadow’s getting a whipping in-doors. (Goes into the house.)

SAGARISTIO: (to himself.) May the Gods and Goddesses confound that fellow! just like a crawling serpent he has got a double tongue, and is a wicked one.

Upon my faith, I’m glad he’s gone. (Going towards the door.) Open, you door. But look! he’s coming from within, the person that I most especially wished to meet with.

(Enter TOXILUS, from his MASTER’S house, followed by SOPHOCLIDISCA.)

TOXILUS: (to SOPHOCLIDISCA.) Tell her that it’s now arranged whence the money is to come. Bid her be of good heart; tell her that I love her exceedingly. When she cheers up, then does she cheer me up. What I’ve told you to tell her, do you quite understand it?

SOPHOCLIDISCA: Better than your legs understand you, do I understand it.

TOXILUS: Make all haste, be off home. (SOPHOCLIDISCA goes into the house of DORDALUS.)

SAGARISTIO: (apart.) Now I’ll make myself a perfect droll towards him; I’ll carry myself with arms a-kimbo, and assume a lordly air. (Struts along.)

TOXILUS: But who’s this that’s walking like a two-handled jug?

SAGARISTIO: (apart.) I’ll spit about me in a dignified style. (Spits about.)

TOXILUS: Why, surely this is Sagaristio. How are you, Sagaristio? How do you do?

Is there any tiny hope in you as to that which I entrusted to you?

SAGARISTIO: (in a lofty way.) Step this way; it shall be seen to; I would have it done. Advance—move forward.

TOXILUS: What’s this swelling here upon your neck? (Touches his neck.)

SAGARISTIO: It’s a tumour; forbear to press it, for when any person touches it with a rude hand, pain is the result.

TOXILUS: When did that first come upon you?

SAGARISTIO: To-day.

TOXILUS: You should order it to be lanced.

SAGARISTIO: I’m afraid to lance it before it’s ripe, lest it should cause me more trouble.

TOXILUS: I’d like to examine your complaint. (Comes nearer.)

SAGARISTIO: (retreatinq.) Be off, and do be careful, will you, of the horns.

TOXILUS: Why so?

SAGARISTIO: Because a couple of oxen are here in the purse.

TOXILUS: Do let them out, please; don’t starve them with hunger—do let them go to pasture.

SAGARISTIO: Why, I’m afraid that I mayn’t be able to drive them back to their stall, lest they should wander.

TOXILUS: I’ll drive them back; be of good heart,

SAGARISTIO: You shall be trusted then; I’ll lend them you Follow this way, please (taking the purse from his neck.) in this there is the money which you were asking me for a short time since.

TOXILUS: What is it you say?

SAGARISTIO: My master has sent me to Eretria to purchase some oxen; at present my Eretria shall be this house of yours.

TOXILUS: You speak quite enchantingly; and I shall very soon return you all the money safe;

for now I’ve arranged and put in readiness all my devices, in which way I’m to get this money out of this Procurer.

SAGARISTIO: So much the better.

TOXILUS: Both for the damsel to be set at liberty, and, still further, for himself to pay the money. But follow me; I have need of your assistance in this affair.

SAGARISTIO: Make use of it just as you please. (They go into the house.)