Chapter 1

(Enter DINARCHUS.) DINARCHUS: (to himself) Not a whole life is sufficient for a lover thoroughly to learn, until he has become full well aware of this, in how many modes he may come to ruin; nor does Venus herself, in whose hands lie the sum and substance of lovers, ever instruct us in that art of reckoning— in how many ways one in love may be deluded, in how many modes he may come to ruin, and with how many modes of entreaty he may be entreated. How many blandishments are there in it, how many pettish ways in it, how many perils must be courted! Ye Gods! by our trust in you! Hey!

what ground for perjury as well, besides the everlasting presents! In the first place then, there’s the yearly allowance; that’s her first haul. For that the favour of three nights is granted. In the meantime she’s trying for either money, or wine, or oil, or corn, to prove whether you are lavish or thrifty.

Just like the person that throws a casting-net into a fish-pond; when the net has gone and sunk, then he contracts the folds; but if he has rightly thrown it, he takes care that the fish may not escape; then in this direction and that does he enfold the fish netted well, until he has taken them out of the water:

just so is the lover. If he gives that which is asked for, and is lavish rather than thrifty, nightly favours are given in addition. Meanwhile he swallows down the hook. If once he has partaken of the cup of love unmixed, and that draught has made its way within his breast, forthwith both himself is ruined, and his fortune, and his credit. If the mistress is angry with her lover perchance, doubly is the lover ruined, both in fortune and in mind; but if one man is preferable to another in her eyes, just as much is he ruined; if he enjoys but few of her favours, in mind is he ruined;

if he enjoys them in abundance, he himself is joyous, his fortunes are ruined. Thus is it in the houses kept by procurers; before you’ve given a single thing, she’s preparing a hundred to ask for; either a golden trinket’s lost, or a mantle has been torn, or a female servant bought; or some silver vessel, or some vessel of brass, or expensive couch, or a Grecian cabinet, or there’s always something to be lost and for the lover to be replacing for his mistress. And with one common earnestness do we conceal these losses while we are losing our fortunes, and our credit, and ourselves, lest our parents or our relatives should know something;

whom, while we conceal it from them, if we were to make acquainted with it, for them in time to restrain our youthful age, we should be giving what has been received from them before to our descendants in reversion; I’d be for causing, that as there are now more procurers and harlots, there should be fewer and fewer of spendthrift fellows than there are at present; for now-a-days there are almost more procurers and harlots than flies at the time when it is most hot. For, if they are nowhere else, the procurers with their harlots are around the bankers’ shops each day as though on siege. That score is the principal one; inasmuch as I know for certain, that now-a-days there are more harlots ready for the money than there are weights for weighing it.

And I really don’t know what purpose to say it is to serve that these procurers are thus keeping them at the bankers’ shops, except as in the place of account-books, where the sums lent on loan may be set down—the sums received I mean, those expended let no one take count of. In fine, in a great nation, amid numberless persons, the state being tranquil and in quiet, the enemy vanquished, it befits all to be in love who have anything to give. Now, this Courtesan (pointing to the house) Phronesium, who dwells here, has totally expelled from my breast her own name. Phronesium, for Phronesis is wisdom. For I confess that I was with her first and foremost;

a thing that’s very disastrous to a lover’s cash. The same woman, after she had found another out, a greater spendthrift, who would give more, a Babylonian Captain, whom the hussy said was troublesome and odious to her, forthwith banished me from the spot. He now is said to be about to arrive from abroad. For that reason has she now cooked up this device; she pretends that she has been brought to bed. That she may push me out of doors, and with the Captain alone live the life of a jovial Greek, she pretends that this Captain is the father of the child; for that reason does this most vile hussy need a palmed-off child. She fancies that she’s deceiving me! Does she suppose that she could have concealed it from me, if she had been pregnant? Now I arrived at Athens the day before yesterday from Lemnos, whither I have been on an embassy from this place on the public service. But who’s this woman? It’s her servant-maid Astaphium. With her too as well I’ve had some acquaintanceship. (Stands aside.)

(Enter ASTAPHIUM, from the house of PHRONESIUM.) ASTAPHIUM: (speaking to the SERVANTS within.) Listen at the door and guard the house, that no one who comes may go away more loaded than he came, or who has brought empty hands into our house may take them full out of it. (To herself.) I know the ways of people; of such habits are the young men now-a-days.

For as soon as ever the jolly companions have arrived at the courtesans’ houses, their plans are formed. When they’ve arrived in-doors, some one of them is incessantly bestowing kisses on his mistress. While they are engaged, the others are pilfering. But if they see that any one is observing them, they play some trick, by which to amuse the observer with pleasantry and sport. Full oft do they devour that belonging to us just as the sausage-makers do.

Upon my faith, this is the case, and some of the Spectators (to the AUDIENCE), i’ faith, you know full well that I tell no lie in this. There with them is the struggle and the valour, to carry oft a booty from the plunderers.

But we again nicely give a like return to these robbers of us; for they themselves look on, while we are heaping up their property; indeed, of their own accord even do they themselves bring it to us.

DINARCHUS: (apart.) In those words she’s surely lashing myself; for I’ve been heaping up presents there.

ASTAPHIUM: (in answer to some one who calls from PHRONESIUM’S house.) I well recollect it. I’ troth, his own self, if he’s at home, I’ll at once bring here with me. (Runs on.)

DINARCHUS: (calling out.) Hallo! Astaphium, do stop a moment, before you go away.

ASTAPHIUM: Who’s calling me back?

DINARCHUS: You shall know; look back this way.

ASTAPHIUM: Who is it?

DINARCHUS: One who wishes many a blessing to yourselves.

ASTAPHIUM: Give them then, if you wish us to have them.

DINARCHUS: I’ll let you have them. Only do look back this way.

ASTAPHIUM: O dear, you’re teazing wretched me to death, whoever you are. (Runs on.)

DINARCHUS: Worst of women, stop.

ASTAPHIUM: Best of men, go on; you are troublesome. (Turns round.) Is that Dinarchus? Why, it is he.

DINARCHUS: He’s going to your house;

and do you give me your hand (holding out his) in return, and walk together with me.

ASTAPHIUM: I am your servant, and am obedient to your command. (Gives her hand.)

DINARCHUS: Yourself, how are you?

ASTAPHIUM: I’m well, and am holding by the hand one who’s well. Since you’ve arrived from abroad, a dinner must be given.

DINARCHUS: You speak obligingly.

ASTAPHIUM: But, prithee, do let me go whither she ordered me. (Withdrawing her hand.)

DINARCHUS: (lets go her hand.) Be off then. But how say you—?

ASTAPHIUM: What do you want?

DINARCHUS: He, that you are on your road to, who is it that you’re going to fetch?

ASTAPHIUM: Achiva, the midwife.

DINARCHUS: You are an artful damsel.

ASTAPHIUM: I’m as usual then; that’s my practice.

DINARCHUS: You deceitful hussy, I’ve caught you detected in a lie.

ASTAPHIUM: How so, pray?

DINARCHUS: Because you said that you were going to bring his own self, and not herself. A woman, then, has been made out of a man. You are an artful one.

ASTAPHIUM: A conjurer!

DINARCHUS: But, pray, tell me, Astaphium who is this person? A new lover?

ASTAPHIUM: I think that you are a gentleman too much at his ease.

DINARCHUS: Why now do you think so?

ASTAPHIUM: Because you trouble yourself about things that don’t concern your own clothing and food.

DINARCHUS: It’s yourselves have made me a gentleman at ease.

ASTAPHIUM: Why so?

DINARCHUS: I’ll explain it to you. I’ve lost my property; with my property you’ve robbed me of occupation.

If I had preserved my property, there had been something with which I might have been occupied.

ASTAPHIUM: And do you suppose that you can possibly well manage the affairs of state, or those of love, on any other terms without being a gentleman at ease?

DINARCHUS: It was she held a public employment, not I; you misinterpret me. But, against the law, in spite of my tax paid for pasturage, she has received other cattle beside myself.

ASTAPHIUM: Most persons who manage their property badly, do the same as you are doing; when they haven’t wherewith to pay the tax, they blame the farmers of the taxes.

DINARCHUS: My pasturage contract with you turns out but badly; now in its turn, I wish to have, according to my narrow circumstances, a little bit of arable land here with you.

ASTAPHIUM: Here is no arable, but the field is pasture land. If you desire some ploughing, you had better go to those who are in the habit of ploughing; we hold this public emolument, the right of pasturage; those are farmers of other taxes.

DINARCHUS: Full well enough do I know both sides.

ASTAPHIUM: I’ troth, it’s that way you are a gentleman at ease, since you’ve been going wrong both in that direction and in this. But the acquaintance of which do you like the best?

DINARCHUS: You are the more exacting, but they are perjured.

Whatever’s given to them is lost outright, nor with themselves is there any show at all of it; you, if you gain anything, do at least drink and feast it away. In short, they are unprincipled; you are good-for-nothings, and full of airs.

ASTAPHIUM: All this abuse which, Dinarchus, you are uttering against us and them, you utter against yourself, both as respects us and them.

DINARCHUS: How’s that?

ASTAPHIUM: I’ll tell the reason;

because he who accuses another of dishonesty, him it behoves to look into himself. You who are so prudent, have got nothing from us; we, who are good-for-nothings, have got all out of you.

DINARCHUS: O Astaphium! you were not in the habit of speaking to me in that fashion formerly, but courteously, when I myself possessed that which is now in your possession.

ASTAPHIUM: While he’s alive, you may know a person; when he’s dead, you may keep yourself quiet.

I used to know you when you were alive.

DINARCHUS: Do you consider me to be dead?

ASTAPHIUM: Prithee, how can it be plainer? He who formerly was esteemed a first-rate lover, for him to be bringing to his mistress nought but lamentations.

DINARCHUS: I’ faith, through your own faults it was done, who in former days were in haste to plunder me. You ought to have done it leisurely, that, unscathed, I might last the longer for you.

ASTAPHIUM: A lover is like an enemy’s fortress.

DINARCHUS: On what ground?

ASTAPHIUM: The sooner the lover can be taken by storm, the better it is for the mistress.

DINARCHUS: I confess it; but far different is the friend from the lover. I’ faith, for sure, the oldest friend’s the best one possible for a man.

I’ faith, my lands and tenements are not yet all gone.

ASTAPHIUM: Why then, prithee, are you standing before the door as a stranger and an alien? Do go in-doors. Really you are no stranger; for, upon my faith, not one person this day does she more love in her heart and soul— (aside) if, indeed, you’ve got land and tenements.

DINARCHUS: Your tongues and talk are steeped in honey; your doings and dispositions are steeped in gall and sour vinegar.

From your tongues you utter sweet words; you make your lovers of bitter heart if any don’t give you presents.

ASTAPHIUM: I’ve not learnt to say what’s false.

DINARCHUS: It was not this liberality of mine that taught you to say what’s false, but those niggardly fellows who are struggling against their appetites.

You are a sly one, and the same artful coaxer that you used to be.

ASTAPHIUM: How ardently longed for have you returned from abroad! But, prithee, do come, my mistress wants to see you.

DINARCHUS: How so, pray?

ASTAPHIUM: You alone of all mankind does she love.

DINARCHUS: (aside.) Well done, lands and tenements; you have come to my aid in good time. (To ASTAPHIUM.) But how say you, Astaphium—?

ASTAPHIUM: What do you want?

DINARCHUS: Is Phronesium in-doors just now?

ASTAPHIUM: To you at all events she’s in-doors.

DINARCHUS: Is she well?

ASTAPHIUM: Aye, faith, and I do believe she’ll be still better when she sees you.

DINARCHUS: This is our greatest fault: when we’re in love, then we are undone; if that which we wish is told us, when manifestly they are telling lies, in our folly we believe it to be true; verily as though with a tide we fluctuate.

ASTAPHIUM: Heyday now—such is not the fact.

DINARCHUS: Do you say that she loves me?

ASTAPHIUM: Aye, you only, alone.

DINARCHUS: I heard that she was brought to bed.

ASTAPHIUM: Oh, prithee, Dinarchus, do hold your tongue.

DIN,: Why so?

ASTAPHIUM: I shudder in my alarm, as often as mention is made of childbirth, with such difficulty has Phronesium survived for you. Prithee, do come in-doors now; do go to see her and wait there a little. She’ll be out just now; for she was at the bath.

DINARCHUS: What do you say? She who was never pregnant, how could she be brought to bed? For really, I never, that I am aware of, perceived her to be in a breeding state.

ASTAPHIUM: She concealed it from you and was afraid, lest you should persuade her to have recourse to abortion, and so destroy the child.

DINARCHUS: Troth then, who’s the father of this child?

ASTAPHIUM: A Babylonian Captain, whose arrival she is now expecting.

So much so, indeed, that, according as was reported, they say that he’ll be here just now. I wonder he has not arrived by this.

DINARCHUS: Shall I go in, then?

ASTAPHIUM: Why not? As boldly as at home, into your own house; for even still are you now one of us, Dinarchus.

DINARCHUS: How soon are you on your return?

ASTAPHIUM: I’ll be there this instant; it’s close at hand where I was going.

DINARCHUS: But do return directly; meanwhile I’ll wait for you at your house. (He goes into the house of PHRONESIUM.)