Chapter 2

(ASTAPHIUM, alone.) ASTAPHIUM: (laughing.) Ha, ha, ha! I’m at rest, since my plague has gone in-doors; now, indeed, I shall speak according to my own inclination, freely, as I please. My mistress has sung a funeral dirge at our house for this fellow, her lover, over his estate; for his lands and tenements are mortgaged for his treats in his amour.

But with him does my mistress speak freely upon the objects of her plans, and so he is rather a friend by way of counsel to her than by way of maintenance. While he had it, he gave; now he has got nothing; what he did have, we have got; what we had, he has now got the same. The common course of things has happened. Fortunes are wont to change upon the instant. Life is checquered.

We remember him as rich, and he us as poor; our reminiscences have shifted places. He must be a fool to wonder at it. If he is in want, it’s necessary that he should allow us to make a living; that’s proper to be done.’Twere a disgrace for us to have compassion on men that squander away their fortunes. A clever Procuress ought to have good teeth;

to smile upon whoever comes, to address him in flattering terms; to design mischief in her heart, but to speak fairly with her tongue. A Courtesan it befits to be like a briar; whatever man she touches, for either mischief or loss certainly to be the result. A Courtesan ought never to listen to the plea of a lover, but, when he has nothing to give, do you pack him off home from service as a deserter; and never is any gallant good for anything unless he’s one who is the enemy of his own fortune. It’s trifling, if, when he has just given, he doesn’t take a pleasure in giving afresh. That person’s esteemed with us who forgets that that has been given which he has given. As long as he has anything, so long let him go on loving; when he has got nothing, then let him look out another employment;

if he himself has got nothing, let him, with a contented mind, make way for others who have. He’s a proper lover who, neglecting his affairs, squanders away his property. But among themselves the men declare that we act ill, and are greedy. Prithee, do we in fact at all act ill? For, by my troth, never did any lover whatever give enough to his mistress;

nor, i’ faith, have we ever received enough, nor has any woman ever asked for enough. For when a gallant is barren with his gifts If he denies that he has anything to give, alone Nor do we receive enough, when a person has not enough to give us. It is ever our duty to look after fresh givers, who take from untouched treasures, and make presents to us. Just like this young man from the country, who dwells here (pointing to the house where STRABAX lives), i’ faith, a very pleasant creature, and a very bounteous giver. But he, without the knowledge of his father, even this very last night, leapt over the wall by way of the garden, and came to our house. I wish to meet with him.

But one servant has he, a very great savage, who, when he sees any one of us near the door, if you approach that way, drives us off just as he scares the geese away with his noise from the corn; he’s such a bumpkin. But come what may, I’ll knock at the door.

(Knocks at the door, and calls.) Who, I wonder, has the keeping of this door? Is anybody coming out from in-doors?

(Enter STRATILAX, from the house of the FATHER of STRABAX.) STRATILAX: Who’s this, that’s so sturdily plying his batteringram against our door?

ASTAPHIUM: It’s I. Look round at me.

STRATILAX: Who’s I?

ASTAPHIUM: Am I not seen by you?

STRATILAX: (turning to her.) Woe worth thee! What mean you by this coming so near this door, or why’s this knocking?

ASTAPHIUM: Health to you.

STRATILAX: Enow of thy health have I; I care nought for’t, I’ve got no health;

I’d rather be sick, than be a bit the sounder with health from thee. This I want to know, what’s owing thee here in our house?

ASTAPHIUM: Do keep close—

STRATILAX: Yea, faith, to my own good woman I trust; let him keep close to thee whose habit’tis. A rare fine joke! a silly hussy to be tempting a countryman to naughty tricks.

ASTAPHIUM: Keep close your anger, I meant.

STRATILAX: As thee’st begun with me, so I’d e’en lay a wager there’s not another like thee.

ASTAPHIUM: (half to herself.) Really this fellow’s very churlish.

STRATILAX: Woman, dost thee go on abusing me?

ASTAPHIUM: Why, what did I say to you?

STRATILAX: Why, because thee dost call me churlish. Therefore now, if thee doesn’t be off this instant, and tell me quickly what thee want’st, adzookers, woman, I’ll be, here this very instant, trampling thee beneath my feet like a sow her piglings.

ASTAPHIUM: This is indeed right country, and no mistake;’tis an abominable and truly a monkey race.

STRATILAX: (holding up his fist.) Dost thee throw the country in my teeth, when thee hast found a man who’s ashamed of what’s foul?

Hast thee come hither to tempt me with thy decked out bones? Was it for that, shameless slut, thee dyed thy mantle of its smoke-dried colour, or art thee so fine because that thee’s been a stealing?

Come thee towards me then.

ASTAPHIUM: Now you charm me.

STRATILAX: How much I wish I could charm thee.

ASTAPHIUM: You tell a lie.

STRATILAX: Tell me—

ASTAPHIUM: What?

STRATILAX: What I ask thee. Dost thee wish to be taken for a bondswoman, who dost carry on thee those rings? (Pointing to her fingers.)

ASTAPHIUM: They give them to those who are worthy.

STRATILAX: These are the spoils of Laverna which thee dost possess. (Lays hold of her.)

ASTAPHIUM: Don’t be touching me. (Moving away.)

STRATILAX: I, touch thee? So help me my weeding-hoe, I’d rather i’ the country for me to be harnessed like an ox with crumpled horns, and with it spend the livelong night upon the straw, than that a hundred nights with thee, with a dinner apiece, were given me for nothing!

But what business, woman, hast thee at our house? Why dost thee come running this way as often as we come to town?

ASTAPHIUM: I want to meet with your women.

STRATILAX: What women art thee talking to me about, when there’s not even a single woman-fly within the house?

ASTAPHIUM: What, does no woman live here?

STRATILAX: They’ve gone into the country, I say. Be off.

ASTAPHIUM: Why are you bawling out, you lunatic?

STRATILAX: If thee doesn’t make haste to get away from this with prodigious speed, I’ll forthwith be separating even from thy brains those falsified, daintily arranged, corkscrew curls of thine, with all their grease as well.

ASTAPHIUM: For what reason, pray?

STRATILAX: Why, because thee hast even presumed to approach our door anointed up with thine unguents, and because thee hast those cheeks so nicely, painted pink.

ASTAPHIUM: I’ troth, it was by reason of your clamour that I coloured in my alarm.

STRATILAX: And is it so? Thee coloured? As though, hussy, thee really hadst left to thy skin the power of receiving any colour. Redden up thy cheeks, thee hast given all thy skin its colour with chalk.

Ye are scoundrelly jades.

What’s the reason, abominable hussies, that this way?

I know more than thee think’st I know.

ASTAPHIUM: Prithee, what’s this that you know?

STRATILAX: How Strabax, my master’s son, is ruining himself at your house; how you are all enticing him to fraud and present-making.

ASTAPHIUM: If you appeared in your senses, I’d tell you. You’re uttering abuse only;

not a person is in the habit of being ruined here at our house; they waste their property; when they’ve wasted their property, they may go bare thence, if they choose. I don’t know this young man of yours.

STRATILAX: Indeed so.

ASTAPHIUM: In sober truth.

STRATILAX: Aye, but that garden wall that’s in our garden says so, which is becoming every night less by a brick, over which he travels to your house on the road to destruction.

ASTAPHIUM: The wall’s an old one; it isn’t wonderful if the bricks, being old, do tumble down.

STRATILAX: And says thee, hussy, that old bricks do tumble down? By my fakes, may never any mortal man henceforth trust me upon the two grand points, if I don’t inform of these goings on of yours to my elder master.

ASTAPHIUM: Is he a savage as well?

STRATILAX: Why, he didn’t get his money by enriching harlots, but by thriftiness, and living hard; which now, however, is being carried off to you, abominable jades. (Takes her by the shoulders and shakes her.) There’s for thee, six-clawed hussy; a wretched life to both of ye. Am I to keep mum about these matters? But, lookye now, I’ll be off to the Forum at once and tell these goings on to the old gentleman, that he mayn’t somehow be cherishing within this matting a whole swarm of misfortunes. (Exit.)

ASTAPHIUM: (to herself.) Upon my faith, if this fellow were living on mustard, I don’t think he could possibly be as snappish. But, i’ troth, how much a well-wisher to his master he is. Still, although he is a savage, I trust that he can be changed by coaxing, allurements, and other arts of the courtesan. I’ve seen a horse from unruly become tamed, and other brutes as well.

Now I’ll go back to see my mistress. But see, my plague’s coming out. (The door of PHRONESIUM’S house is opened.) He’s coming out with a sad air; he hasn’t even yet had a meeting with Phronesium.

(Enter DINARCHUS, from PHRONESIUM’S house.) DINARCHUS: I do believe that the fishes, that are always bathing as long as they live, do not take so long in bathing as this Phronesium does in bathing. If women could be loved on as long as they take in bathing, all lovers would be becoming bath-keepers.

ASTAPHIUM: Can’t you endure waiting for a short time even?

DINARCHUS: Why,’pon my faith, I’m wretchedly tired with waiting already.

ASTAPHIUM: I, as well, shall be obliged to go bathe from weariness

DINARCHUS: But, i’ faith, Astaphium, prithee do go in-doors and tell her that I’m here. Do go at once, and persuade her that she has bathed long enough by this.

ASTAPHIUM: Very well. (Going.)

DINARCHUS: And do you hear as well?

ASTAPHIUM: What do you want? (Comes back.)

DINARCHUS: May the Gods confound me for calling you back. I had nothing to say to you, only do be off.

ASTAPHIUM: Why did you call me back then, you worthless and good-for-nothing fellow? A delay to me which has produced fully a mile’s delay to you. (Goes into the house of PHRONESIUM.)

DINARCHUS: (to himself.) But yet why was she standing here so long before the house? Some one, I don’t know who, she certainly was waiting for; the Captain, I suppose. That’s it; see now, how, just like vultures, a whole three days beforehand they foresee on what day they are to have a feast. They’re all agape for him; on him are all their minds fixed.

No one will be giving any more attention to myself, when he comes, than if I had been dead two hundred years ago. How delightful a thing it is to keep one’s money! Ah wretched me! after it’s done I’m punished, who lost what I once had.

But now, if any great and splendid fortune should chance to fall to my lot, now, after I know it, what sweets and what bitters come of money, by my troth, I’d so keep it, I’d live in a manner so sparing, that—in a few days I’d make there to be none at all. I’d then confute those who now censure me.

But I perceive that this tide-like door is opening (the door of PHRONESIUM’S house is opened), which sucks up whatever comes within its bolts.

(Enter PHRONESIUM, from her house.) PHRONESIUM: Please now, is my door apt to bite, that you are afraid to come in, my love?

DINARCHUS: (aside.) Behold the spring! How all blooming it is! how fragrantly does it smell! how brightly does it shine.

PHRONESIUM: Why so ill-mannered, as not, on your arrival from Lemnos, to give a kiss to your mistress, my Dinarchus?

DINARCHUS: (aside.) O dear, by my troth, I’m being punished now, and most terribly—

PHRONESIUM: Why do you turn yourself away?

DINARCHUS: My greetings to you, Phronesium.

PHRONESIUM: Greetings to you as well. Will you dine here to-day, as you’ve arrived in safety?

DINARCHUS: I’m engaged.

PHRONESIUM: Where will you dine then?

DINARCHUS: Wherever you request me; here.

PHRONESIUM: You’ll give me pleasure by doing so. (They take their places at a collation spread before the house.)

DINARCHUS: I’ troth, myself still more. You’ll give me your company to-day, I suppose, my Phronesium?

PHRONESIUM: If it could possibly be done, I would.

DINARCHUS: Give me my shoes then—make haste, remove the table.

PHRONESIUM: Are you in your senses, pray?

DINARCHUS: By heavens, I cannot drink now; so sick at heart am I.

PHRONESIUM: Stay; something shall be done. Don’t go.

DINARCHUS: Ah, you’ve refreshed me with cold water! My senses have now returned. Take off my shoes; give me something to drink.

PHRONESIUM: By my faith, you are just the same that you used to be. But tell me, have you sped successfully?

DINARCHUS: I’ troth, successfully enough, indeed, hither to you, inasmuch as I enjoy the opportunity of seeing you.

PHRONESIUM: Embrace me then.

DINARCHUS: With pleasure. (He embraces her.) Oh, this is honey sweeter than sweet honey. In this, Jove, my fortune does exceed thine own!

PHRONESIUM: Won’t you give me a kiss?

DINARCHUS: Aye, ten even. (Kisses her.)

PHRONESIUM: You are not niggardly in that. You promise more than I ask of you. (Turns away her head.)

DINARCHUS: I only wish that from the first I had been as sparing of my property, as you are now thrifty of your kisses.

PHRONESIUM: If I could possibly cause you any saving, i’ troth, I could wish it done.

DINARCHUS: Have you bathed then?

PHRONESIUM: I’ troth, indeed I have then, to my own satisfaction and that of my eyes. Do I seem to be loathsome to you?

DINARCHUS: I’ faith, not to myself indeed;

but I remember that there was once a time when between ourselves we were loathsome, the one to the other. But what doing of yours is this I’ve heard upon my arrival? What new matter have you been scheming here in my absence?

PHRONESIUM: Why, what is it?

DINARCHUS: In the first place, that you’ve been blessed with children, and that you’ve safely got over it, I’m delighted.

PHRONESIUM: (to some ATTENDANTS near the door.) Go you away from there into the house, and shut the door. (They go in, and shut the door.) You now alone are left to be present at my communication; to you I’ve ever entrusted my designs. For my own part, I’ve neither had any child nor have I been pregnant;

but I’ve pretended that I was pregnant; I wasn’t though.

DINARCHUS: For what reason, O my life?

PHRONESIUM: On account of a Babylonian Captain, who kept me as though his wife for a year, while he was here.

DINARCHUS: That I knew. But what means this? For what purpose was your design in pretending this?

PHRONESIUM: That there might be a certain bond and tie for him to be returning to me again. Now he has lately sent me a letter hither, that he’ll make trial how much I value him. If I should raise and bring up the child which I should bear, that then I should have all his property.

DINARCHUS: I listen with pleasure. In fine, what is it you are contriving?

PHRONESIUM: My mother ordered the servant-maids, since now the tenth month is arriving close at hand, each to go in some different direction, to seek out and bespeak a boy or a girl, to be passed off as my own.

Why need I make many words? You know Syra, the female hair-dresser, who now lives hard by our house?

DINARCHUS: I know her.

PHRONESIUM: She, with the utmost care, went about among the families, and secretly found out a child, and brought it to me. She said it was given to her.

DINARCHUS: O shocking traffic!

She then hasn’t borne this child who at first did bear it, but you who come afterwards.

PHRONESIUM: You have the whole matter in its order. Now, as the Captain has sent a message before to me, he’ll be here no long time hence.

DINARCHUS: Now, in the mean time, you are treating yourself here as though one who had just lain in?

PHRONESIUM: Why not, when, without trouble, the matter can be nicely managed? It’s proper that every one should be alive at his own trade.

DINARCHUS: What’s to become of me when the Captain comes? Forsaken, can I live without you?

PHRONESIUM: When I’ve got from him that which I want, I shall easily find a way how to create discord and a separation between us; after that, my delight, I shall be always at your side.

DINARCHUS: Aye, faith, but I’d rather it were at my couch.

PHRONESIUM: Moreover, I wish to sacrifice to-day to the Deities for the child, on this the fifth day, as is proper to be done.

DINARCHUS: I think you ought.

PHRONESIUM: Can’t you venture to give me some trifling present?

DINARCHUS: Upon my faith, my delight, I seem to be making a gain for myself when you ask anything of me.

PHRONESIUM: (aside.) And I, when I’ve got it.

DINARCHUS: I’ll take care it shall be here just now. I’ll send my servant hither.

PHRONESIUM: Do so.

DINARCHUS: But whatever it shall be, do take it in good part.

PHRONESIUM: I troth, I’m sure that you’ll give all attention to your present, of which I shan’t be ashamed so long as you send it to me.

DINARCHUS: Do you wish anything else of me?

PHRONESIUM: That, when you have leisure, you’ll come again to see me.

DINARCHUS: Fare you well.

PHRONESIUM: Farewell. (Goes into her house.)

DINARCHUS: (to himself.) O immortal Gods!’twere the part not of a woman in love, but of a partner of kindred feelings and confiding, to do what she just now has done for me, in disclosing to me the palming of the child upon the Captain,—a thing that a sister entrusts not to her own born sister. She discloses herself now to me from her very soul, that she will never prove faithless to me so long as she exists. Ought I not to love her? Ought I not to wish her well? I’ll rather not love myself, than that love should be wanting for her. Shall I not send her a present? This instant, then, I’ll order five minae to be brought to her from my house, besides catering to the amount of a mina at least. Much rather shall kindness be shown to her who wishes kindly to me, than to myself, who do every mischief to myself. (Exit.)

(Enter PHRONESIUM, from her house.) PHRONESIUM: (speaking at the door to the SERVANTS within.) Give the breast to that child. (To herself, coming forward.) How wretchedly and anxiously are mothers distressed in mind. I’ faith,’twas craftily contrived; and when I revolve this matter in my mind, we are accounted to be much less artful than we naturally are in disposition. I’m now speaking of what, but lately, for the first time, I’ve been taught at home;

how great is my anxiety of mind, what pangs I do feel in my heart, lest through the death of the child the plot should fail. Because I’m styled its mother, for that reason am I the more anxious for its life, who have ventured thus secretly to attempt a stratagem so great. In my avarice, for the sake of gain, have I entered on this disgraceful scheme;

the pangs of others have I falsely shammed for myself. You must attempt nothing by craftiness, unless you would carry it out with cunning and with care. (To the AUDIENCE.) You yourselves now see in what garb I go; I’m now pretending that I’m an invalid from having lain in. A thing that a woman attempts to do in fraud, unless she is perfect in carrying it out, that same is as bad as disease to her, that same is as bad as old age to her, that to her, wretched creature, is wretchedness: if she begins to do what’s right, soon does weariness of it overtake her. How very few are tired who have commenced to do what’s wrong; how very few carry it out, if they have commenced to do anything aright.

To a female it is a much less burden to do bad than good. In that I’m an artful one, through the agency of my mother and my own artful disposition am I artful, who have thus feigned to the Babylonian Captain that I am pregnant. I wish now the Captain may find this artful plot concocted well. He’ll be here no long time hence, I suppose; forewarned of that I’m now forearmed, and I’m wearing this garb, as though I had just lain in in pregnancy. (Calls to the SERVANTS within.) Bring me hither some myrrh and fire for the altar, that I may pay adoration to my Lucina. (They bring it.) Place it here (pointing to an altar near the door), and go out of my sight. Ho there! Pithecium, help me to lay me down. Come hither; thus is it proper to help one who has just lain in. (A couch is brought in by ASTAPHIUM and two HANDMAIDS, and she lays herself down.) Take off my sandals; throw a coverlet here over me, Archylis.

Astaphium, where are you? Bring me hither, holy herbs, frankincense, and sweetmeats. Bring water for my hands. (The SERVANTS go and fetch the things as ordered.) Now, i’ faith, I could wish that the Captain should come. (The SERVANTS stand aside.)

(Enter STRATOPHANES, at a distance, followed by a SERVANT and several FEMALE SLAVES.) STRATOPHANES: (to the AUDIENCE.) Don’t you be expecting, Spectators, that I should recount my combats; with my hands in battle I’m wont to recount them, and not in words. I know that many a soldier have told lies;

both the Homeric poetlings, and a thousand others besides them could be named, who have been both convicted and condemned for their sham battles. He’s not to be commended who trusts another any further than he sees. It pleases me not when those commend more who hear than those who see; of more value is one eye-witness than ten hearsays.

Those who hear, speak of what they’ve heard; those who see, know beyond mistake. I like him not whom the town-gossips are praising, and the men of his maniple are mum about; nor yet those whose tongues at home make blunt the edge of our swords. The valiant are much more serviceable to the public than the eloquent and skilled. Valour easily finds for itself a fluent eloquence;

without valour, for my own part, I esteem an eloquent citizen as a hired mourner, who praises other people, but can’t do the same for herself. Now, after ten months, am I come to Athens of Attica to see my mistress, how she gets on, whom I left pregnant by my embrace.

PHRONESIUM: (raising herself on the couch, and speaking to ASTAPHIUM.) See who’s talking.

ASTAPHIUM: (coming forward, and looking about.) The Captain’s now close at hand, my mistress Phronesium:

Stratophanes is coming to you. (In a low voice.) Now is it requisite for you to pretend yourself an invalid.

PHRONESIUM: (in a low voice.) Hold your tongue. What, the plague, de I want you for as an adviser in this matter? Is it possible to excel myself in craftiness?

STRATOPHANES: (to himself.) Madam’s brought to bed, as I fancy.

ASTAPHIUM: (it a low voice.) Would you like me to accost the gentleman?

PHRONESIUM: I wish you. (ASTAPHIUM moves forward.)

STRATOPHANES: O delightful! Why, see, here’s Astaphium coming to meet me.

ASTAPHIUM: (affecting surprise.) By all the powers! welcome to you, Stratophanes, that you’re safe arrived—

STRATOPHANES: I know it all. But, prithee, has Phronesium been brought to bed?

ASTAPHIUM: She has been delivered of a very fine boy.

STRATOPHANES: Is it like me at all?

ASTAPHIUM: Do you ask the question? Why, the moment it was born, it asked for a sabre and shield for itself.

STRATOPHANES: It’s my own; I know it at once from the proofs.

ASTAPHIUM: Indeed it is extremely like you.

STRATOPHANES: Ye Gods above! Is it of full growth already? Has it already chosen some army which it intends to plunder?

ASTAPHIUM: Why really, it was only born five days ago.

STRATOPHANES: What then, after it was born? After so many days, i’ faith, something really ought by this time to have been done. What business had it to leave the womb before it could go forth to battle?

ASTAPHIUM: Follow me, and wish her joy, and congratulate her.

STRATOPHANES: I follow. (They move to the other side of the stage.)

PHRONESIUM: (in a faint voice.) Prithee, where is she who has left me here and forsaken me?

ASTAPHIUM: I’m here; I’m bringing you Stratophanes, so much longed for by you.

PHRONESIUM: Prithee, where is he?

STRATOPHANES: (going close to the couch.) Mars, on his arrival from abroad, salutes Neriene his spouse. Since you’ve well got over it, and since you’ve been blest with offspring, I congratulate you in that you have given birth to a great glory to me and to yourself.

PHRONESIUM: Welcome to you, you who have almost deprived me of life and light;

and who have, for your own gratification, centred in my body the cause of great anguish, with the pangs of which I’m even now dreadfully afflicted.

STRATOPHANES: Well, well; not to your misfortune, my love, do these pains befall you. You’ve brought forth a son who’ll be filling your house with plunder.

PHRONESIUM: By the powers, there’s very much greater need to have our granaries well filled with wheat; lest, before he takes the plunder, hunger should be putting an end to us here.

STRATOPHANES: Be of good heart.

PHRONESIUM: Do, please, take a kiss from me here. I cannot lift up my head; such pain I’ve felt, and in such pain I now am; and I cannot as yet, of my own strength, walk upon my feet.

STRATOPHANES: (stooping down, and kissing her.) If, right from the middle of the sea, you were to order me to take a kiss from you, I would not hesitate to fetch it, my sweet. You’ve experienced it already so to be; and now shall you experience it, my Phronesium, that I do dote upon you. (Pointing to a distance behind him.) See there, I’ve brought you two female slaves from Syria; I present you with them. (To a SERVANT behind him.) Do you bring those women this way. Now, these were both of them queens at their own homes; but with my own hand I laid waste their country, I present you with them. (Handing them forward to her.)

PHRONESIUM: Are you dissatisfied with the number of female slaves I have already, that you must be still making additions to the number, to be devouring food for me?

STRATOPHANES: I’ troth, if this indeed isn’t acceptable to you, you boy (beckoning to the SERVANT), do you give me that bag. See here, my love, I’ve brought this mantle from Panchaea for you. Take it for yourself. (He presents it to her.)

PHRONESIUM: What, is so little as this to be given me in return for pain so great?

STRATOPHANES: (aside.) I’ faith, to my misfortune, I’m undone! My son’s already costing me his weight in gold. (To PHRONESIUM.) Do you still set such little value on me? I’ve brought you a purple garment from Sarra, and two pretty ones from Pontus. (Takes the garments from the SERVANT, and presents them.) Take this for yourself, my love. (To the SERVANT.) Take those Syrian women hence out of my sight. (The SERVANT takes them into the house.)

Do you love me at all?

PHRONESIUM: Not at all, i’ faith; nor do you deserve it.

STRATOPHANES: (aside.) What, is nothing enough for her? Really, to myself she hasn’t even said one word. I do believe that these presents would sell for more than twenty minae, which I have given her.

Now she’s desperately enraged with me I perceive and understand it; but I’ll address her still. (To PHRONESIUM.) What say you then? Do you wish me, my love, to go to dinner where I was invited, and after that to return hither to your house to sleep? Why are you silent? (Aside.) I’ troth, beyond a doubt, I’m undone. But what fine affair is this?

Who’s this fellow that’s leading such a long train? I’m resolved to watch whither they are taking it. It’s being brought to her, I do believe; but I’ll soon know more. (He stands at a distance.)

(Enter GETA, at a distance, followed by SLAVES with presents from DINARCHUS.) GETA: Get on, get on this way together with you, mules laden with money only to be squandered, you emptyers out of the house, you carriers off of property by waggon-loads! (To the AUDIENCE.) And can’t he who is in love do without being good for nought, and cleaning himself out by his disgraceful practices? But how I know this, don’t any one be asking that of me;

we’ve a lover at home, who’s engaged in disgraceful pursuits; who esteems property just as dung: he’s in dread of the public officers; most cleanly in his ways is he. He wishes his house to be cleaned out; whatever he has at home, it’s swept completely dehors. Since he himself is sending his own self to ruin, for my part, i’ faith, I’ll help him by stealth, and not through my assistance, indeed, shall he be ruined e’en a bit the less speedily than he may. For now from these provisions, from the one mina I’ve just now abstracted five didrachms; I’ve deducted for myself the Herculean share. But this is just like as though a person should turn off a stream for himself from a river; if it is not turned off into a channel, still all that water would go into the sea.

For this is going into the sea, and is being utterly wasted to no good purpose whatever. When I see these things going on, I pilfer, I purloin, from plunder I plunder take. I take a harlot to be just like what the sea is; what you give her she swallows down, and yet never overflows.

But this at least the sea does preserve; what’s in it is seen. Give her as much as ever you please, it’s never seen either by the giver or the acceptor. For instance, this harlot by her blandishments has reduced my poor master to poverty; has robbed him of fortune, life, honor, and friends.

(Catching sight of her.) Heyday! why look, she’s close by. I do think she has heard me saying all this. She’s pale, as she has been delivered of a child. I’ll address her, as though I didn’t know her. (Addressing PHRONESIUM.) I present you my respects.

PHRONESIUM: Our Geta, what is it you’re about? How are you?

GETA: I’m well, and I’m come to one who’s not so well, and I’m bringing something with which she may get well. My master, the apple of your eye, bade me bring these presents to you, which you see those persons carrying, and these five minae of silver.

PHRONESIUM: I’ faith, it’s not thrown away, that I’m so very fond of him.

GETA: He bade me beg that you would accept these in kind part.

PHRONESIUM: I’ troth, I do accept them kindly and thankfully. (To CYAMUS, who comes out of the house.) Go, Cyamus, and order them to be taken in-doors.

Do you hear at all this which has been ordered? (The SERVANTS take up the things.)

GETA: I don’t want them to take away the vessels; I’d like to have them emptied.

PHRONESIUM: An impudent fellow, i’ faith, how busy he is.

GETA: What? do you say that I’m impudent, you who yourself are a receptacle of villany?

PHRONESIUM: Tell me, I beg of you, where is Dinarchus?

GETA: At home.

PHRONESIUM: Tell him, that, for these presents which he has sent me,

I love him the most of all men, and that in return I hold him in the highest esteem of all, and entreat that he will come hither to me.

GETA: This instant. But who’s that person, pray (looking towards STRATOPHANES), that’s devouring himself, scowling with malignant eyes I’ faith, the man’s distressed in his mind, whoever he is.

PHRONESIUM: I’ troth, he’s deserving of it.

GETA: What’s the matter?

PHRONESIUM: Prithee, don’t you know? He that’s yonder used to live with me; he, there, is the father of my child. He ordered it to be brought up till about a before-daylight breakfast. I waited his coming, I listened to his injunctions; I attended to the child.

GETA: The good-for-nothing fellow that I knew so well, prithee, is that he?

PHRONESIUM: That’s he.

GETA: He looks at me as he groans.

He heaved a sigh from the very bottom of his breast. Observe that now; he gnashes his teeth; he strikes his thigh. Prithee, is he deranged, that he’s beating his own self?

STRATOPHANES: (coming forward.) Now will I at once summon up my ungovernable indignation and my wrath from my breast!

(To GETA.) Say, whence are you? To whom do you belong? Why have you dared to speak rudely against me?

GETA: It’s my pleasure.

STRATOPHANES: Do you answer me in that way?

GETA: In this way (snaps his fingers); I don’t care one straw for you.

STRATOPHANES: (to PHRONESIUM.) What say you? Why have you dared to say that you love another man?

PHRONESIUM: I chose to.

STRATOPHANES: Say you so, indeed? I’ll first make trial of that. Do you, for the sake of such a shabby present, vegetables, and comestibles, and vinegar-water, bestow your love upon an effeminate, frizzle-pated, dark-haunt frequenting, drum-drubbing debauchee, a fellow not worth a nutshell?

GETA: What new thing’s this? Do you dare, you rogue, to speak ill of my master, you spring-head of vice and perjury?

STRATOPHANES: Add a single word to that; by the powers, I’ll that instant here with this cut you up into mincemeat upon the spot. (Shaking his sword at him.)

GETA: Only touch me; I’ll that instant be making a lamb of you on the spot, and I’ll slice you asunder in the middle.

If you have the renown of a warrior with your troops, still I’m a Mars in the kitchen.

PHRONESIUM: (to STRATOPHANES.) If you did the thing that’s right, you’d not be abusing my visitors, whose gifts I hold as acceptable and pleasing, and your own which I have received of you as unacceptable.

STRATOPHANES: Then, i’ faith, I’m both deprived of my presents and undone as well!

GETA: Clearly it is so.

PHRONESIUM: Why then are you now here, with your annoyance, who confess that you are worsted in every point?

STRATOPHANES: (aside.) I’ faith, I’m this day undone, if I don’t drive this fellow away from you. (He approaches GETA.)

GETA: (holding up his fist.) Only approach this way; only step this way!

STRATOPHANES: Scoundrelly fellow, threatening even? Whom this very, very, very instant I’ll be chopping up into splinters. What business have you coming here? What business have you to approach her? (Pointing to PHRONESIUM.) What business have you, I say, to be knowing my mistress? You shall die this instant if you make the slightest movement with your hand.

GETA: Why shouldn’t I move my hand?

STRATOPHANES: Do as I commanded; stop; I’ll this instant cut you up into mincemeat on the spot.

GETA: (aside.) I’m done for.

STRATOPHANES: ’Twere best to be off.

GETA: It’s a ticklish point; you have a longer sword there than this is (pointing to a knife in his girdle); but just let me go seek a spit, if indeed I must be having a battle with you. I’ll be off home. Warrior, for me and you I’ll choose an impartial judge.

(Aside.) But why am I delaying to betake myself off hence, while with a safe inside I may? (Exit.)

(PHRONESIUM and STRATOPHANES.) PHRONESIUM: (to her SERVANTS.) Give me my sandals, and take me at once in-doors; for my head aches shockingly from the air.

STRATOPHANES: What’s to become of me, to whom the two female slaves cause ache enough, with which I presented you? (PHRONESIUM is led into the house.) Are you off then? Well thus one’s used in return. How can you possibly shut me out. (The door is slammed to.)

Prithee, can anything be more clear than that I’m now shut out? I’m finely fooled. Be it so. With how little difficulty (placing his foot against the door) might I now be persuaded to break the ankles of this entire mansion! Do the manners of covetous women change at all?

Since she has brought forth a son, she has plucked her spirit up. Now it’s as though she said to me, I neither ask you nor forbid you to come into the house. But I won’t—I shan’t go—I’ll make her to be saying in a very few days that I’m a cruel man. (To his ATTENDANTS.) Follow me this way. A word’s enough. (Exit.)