Chapter 2

(Enter PHAEDRIA and PARMENO.)

PHAEDRIA: Mind that those people are taken there, as I ordered.

PARMENO: I’ll do so.

PHAEDRIA: And carefully.

PARMENO: It shall be done.

PHAEDRIA: And with all speed.

PARMENO: It shall be done.

PHAEDRIA: Have you had sufficient instructions?

PARMENO: Dear me! to ask the question, as though it were a matter of difficulty.

I wish that you were able, Phaedria, to find any thing as easily as this present will be lost.

PHAEDRIA: Together with it, I myself am lost, which concerns me more nearly. Don’t bear this with such a feeling of vexation.

PARMENO: By no means; on the contrary, I’ll see it done. But do you order any thing else?

PHAEDRIA: Set off my present with words, as far as you can; and so far as you are able, do drive away that rival of mine from her.

PARMENO: Pshaw! I should have kept that in mind, even if you hadn’t reminded me.

PHAEDRIA: I shall go into the country and remain there.

PARMENO: I agree with you. (Moves as if going.)

PHAEDRIA: But hark you!

PARMENO: What is it you want?

PHAEDRIA: Are you of opinion that I can muster resolution and hold out so as not to come back within the time?

PARMENO: What, you? Upon my faith, I don’t think so; for either you’ll be returning at once, or by-and-by, at night, want of sleep will be driving you hither.

PHAEDRIA: I’ll do some laborious work, that I may be continually fatigued, so as to sleep in spite of myself.

PARMENO: When wearied, you will be keeping awake; by this you will be making it worse.

PHAEDRIA: Oh, you talk to no purpose, Parmeno: this softness of spirit, upon my faith, must be got rid of; I indulge myself too much. Could I not do without her, pray, if there were the necessity, even for a whole three days?

PARMENO: Whew! an entire three days! Take care what you are about.

PHAEDRIA: My mind is made up. (Exit.)

PARMENO: (to himself.) Good Gods! What a malady is this! That a man should become so changed through love, that you wouldn’t know him to be the same person! Not any one was there less inclined to folly than he, and no one more discreet or more temperate. But who is it that’s coming this way? Heyday! surely this is Gnatho, the Captain’s Parasite; he’s bringing along with him the damsel as a present to her. Heavens!

How beautiful! No wonder if I make but a sorry figure here to-day with this decrepit Eunuch of mine. She surpasses Thais herself. (Stands aside.)

(Enter GNATHO at a distance, leading PAMPHILA.)

GNATHO: (to himself.) Immortal Gods! how much does one man excel another! What a difference there is between a wise person and a fool! This strongly came into my mind from the following circumstance. As I was, coming along to-day, I met a certain person of this place, of my own rank and station, no mean fellow, one who, like myself, had guttled away his paternal estate; I saw him, shabby, dirty, sickly, beset with rags and years;— What’s the meaning of this garb? said I; he answered, Because, wretch that I am, I’ve lost what I possessed: see to what I am reduced,—all my acquaintances and friends forsake me. On this I felt contempt for him in: comparison with myself. What! said I, you pitiful sluggard, have you so managed matters as to have no hope left? Have you lost your wits together with your estate? Don’t you see me, who have risen from the same condition? What a complexion I have, how spruce and well dressed, what portliness of person? I have every thing, yet have nothing; and although I possess nothing, still, of nothing am I in want. But I, said he, unhappily, can neither be a butt nor submit to blows.

What! said I, do you suppose it is managed by those means? You are quite mistaken. Once upon a time, in the early ages, there was a calling for that class; this is a new mode of coney-catching; I, in fact, have been the first to strike into this path. There is a class of men who strive to be the first in every thing, but are not; to these I make my court; I do not present myself to them to be laughed at;

but I am the first to laugh with them, and at the same time to admire their parts: whatever they say, I commend; if they contradict that self-same thing, I commend again. Does any one deny? I deny: does he affirm? I affirm: in fine, I have so trained myself as to humor them in every thing. This calling is now by far the most productive.

PARMENO: (apart.) A clever fellow, upon my faith! From being fools he makes men mad outright.

GNATHO: (to himself, continuing.) While we were thus talking, in the mean time we arrived at the market-place; overjoyed, all the confectioners ran at once to meet me; fishmongers, butchers, cooks, sausage-makers, and fishermen, whom, both when my fortunes were flourishing and when they were ruined, I had served, and often serve still: they complimented me, asked me to dinner, and gave me a hearty welcome.

When this poor hungry wretch saw that I was in such great esteem, and that I obtained a living so easily, then the fellow began to entreat me that I would allow him to learn this method of me; I bade him become my follower if he could; as the disciples of the Philosophers take their names from the Philosophers themselves, so too, the Parasite; ought to be called Gnathonics.

PARMENO: (apart to the Audience.) Do you see the effects of ease and feeding at another’s cost?

GNATHO: (to Iimself, continuing.) But why do I delay to take this girl to Thais, and ask her to come to dinner? (Aside, on seeing PARMENO.) But I see Parmeno, our rival’s servant, waiting before the door of Thais with a sorrowful air; all’s safe; no doubt these people are finding a cold welcome. I’m resolved to have some sport with this knave.

PARMENO: (aside.) They fancy that, through this present,

Thais is quite their own.

GNATHO: (accosting PARMENO.) With his very best wishes Gnatho greets Parmeno, his very good friend.—What are you doing?

PARMENO: I’m standing.

GNATHO: So I perceive. Pray, do you see any thing here that don’t please you?

PARMENO: Yourself.

GNATHO: I believe you,—but any thing else, pray?

PARMENO: Why so?

GNATHO: Because you are out of spirits.

PARMENO: Not in the least.

GNATHO: Well, don’t be so; but what think you of this slave? (pointing to her.)

PARMENO: Really, not amiss.

GNATHO: (aside.) I’ve galled the fellow.

PARMENO: (aside, on overhearing him.) How mistaken you are in your notion!

GNATHO: How far do you suppose this gift will prove acceptable to Thais?

PARMENO: It’s this you mean to say now, that we are discarded there. Hark you, there are vicissitudes in all things.

GNATHO: For the next six months, Parmeno, I’ll set you at ease; you sha’n’t have to be running to and fro, or sitting up till daylight. Don’t I make you happy?

PARMENO: Me? O prodigiously!

GNATHO: That’s my way with my friends.

PARMENO: I commend you.

GNATHO: I’m detaining you; perhaps you were about to go somewhere else.

PARMENO: Nowhere.

GNATHO: In that case then, lend me your services a little; let me be introduced to her.

PARMENO: Very well; (GNATHO knocks at the door, which immediately opens) now the door is open for you, (aside) because you are bringing her.

GNATHO: (going into the house of THAIS, ironically.) Should you like any one to be called out from here? (Goes in with PAMPHILA, and shuts the door.)

PARMENO: (to himself.) Only let the next two days go by; you who, at present, in such high favor, are opening the door with one little finger, assuredly I’ll cause to be kicking at that door full oft, with your heels, to no purpose. (Re-enter GNATHO from the house.)

GNATHO: Still standing here, Parmeno? Why now, have you been left on guard here, that no go-between might perchance be secretly running from the Captain to her? (Exit.)

PARMENO: Smartly said; really they ought to be wonderful things to please the Captain. But I see my master’s youngest son coming this way; I wonder why he has come away from the Piraeus, for he is at present on guard there in the public service. It’s not for nothing; he’s coming in a hurry, too; I can’t imagine why he’s looking around in all directions.

(Enter CHAEREA on the other side of the stage, in haste.)

CHAEREA: (to himself.) I’m utterly undone! The girl is nowhere; nor do I know where I am myself, to have lost sight of her. Where to inquire for her, where to search for her, whom to ask, which way to turn,

I’m at a loss. I have only this hope; wherever she is, she can not long be concealed. O what beauteous features! from this moment I banish all other women from my thoughts; I can not endure these every-day beauties.

PARMENO: (apart.) Why look, here’s the other one. He’s saying something, I don’t know what, about love.

O unfortunate old man, their father! This assuredly is a youth, who, if he does begin, you will say that the other one was mere play and pastime, compared with what the madness of this one will cause.

CHAEREA: (to himself, aloud.) May all the Gods and Goddesses confound that old fellow who detained me to-day, and me as well who stopped for him, and in fact troubled myself a straw about him. But see, here’s Parmeno. (Addressing him.) Good-morrow to you.

PARMENO: Why are you out of spirits, and why in such a hurry? Whence come you?

CHAEREA: What, I? I’faith, I neither know whence I’m come, nor whither I’m going;

so utterly have I lost myself.

PARMENO: How, pray?

CHAEREA: I’m in love.

PARMENO: (starting.) Ha!

CHAEREA: Now, Parmeno, you may show what sort of a man you are. You know that you often promised me to this effect: Chaerea, do you only find some object to fall in love with; I’ll make you sensible of my usefulness in such matters, when I used to be storing up my father’s provisions for you on the sly in your little room.

PARMENO: To the point, you simpleton.

CHAEREA: Upon my faith, this is the fact. Now, then, let your promises be made good, if you please, or if indeed the affair is a deserving one for you to exert your energies upon. The girl isn’t like our girls, whom their mothers are anxious to have with shoulders kept down, and chests well girthed, that they may be slender. If one is a little inclined to plumpness, they declare that she’s training for a boxer, and stint her food;

although their constitutions are good, by their treatment they make them as slight as bulrushes; and so for that reason they are admired, forsooth.

PARMENO: What sort of a girl is this one of yours?

CHAEREA: A new style of beauty.

PARMENO: (ironically.) Astounding!

CHAEREA: Her complexion genuine, her flesh firm and full of juiciness.

PARMENO: Her age?

CHAEREA: Her age Sixteen.

PARMENO: The very flower of youth.

CHAEREA: Do you make, it your care to obtain her for me either by force, stealth, or entreaty; so that I only gain her, it matters not how to me.

PARMENO: Well, but to whom does the damsel belong?

CHAEREA: That, i’faith, I don’t know.

PARMENO: Whence did she come?

CHAEREA: That, just as much.

PARMENO: Where does she live?

CHAEREA: Nor yet do I know that.

PARMENO: Where did you see her?

CHAEREA: In the street.

PARMENO: How did you come to lose her?

CHAEREA: Why, that’s what I was just now fretting myself about; and I do not believe that there is one individual to whom all good luck is a greater stranger than to myself.

What ill fortune this is!

I’m utterly undone!

PARMENO: What’s the matter?

CHAEREA: Do you ask me? Do you know Archidemides, my father’s kinsman and years’-mate?

PARMENO: Why not?

CHAEREA: He, while I was in full pursuit of her, met me.

PARMENO: Unseasonably, upon my faith.

CHAEREA: Aye, unhappily, rather; for other ordinary matters are to be called unseasonable, Parmeno.

It would be safe for me to make oath that I have not seen him for fully these six or seven months, until just now, when I least wanted, and there was the least occasion. Come now! isn’t this like a fatality? What do you say?

PARMENO: Extremely so.

CHAEREA: At once he came running up to me, from a considerable distance, stooping, palsied, hanging his lip, and wheezing. Halloo, Chaerea! halloo! said he; I’ve something to say to you. I stopped. Do you know what it is I want with you? said he. Say on, said I. To-morrow my cause comes on, said he. What then? Be sure and tell your father to remember and be my advocate in the morning.

In talking of this, an hour elapsed. I inquired if he wanted any thing else. That’s all, said he. I left him. When I looked in this direction for the damsel, she had that very instant turned this way down this street of ours.

PARMENO: (aside.) It’s a wonder if he doesn’t mean her who has just now been made a present of to Thais here.

CHAEREA: When I got here, she was nowhere to be seen.

PARMENO: Some attendants, I suppose, were accompanying the girl?

CHAEREA: Yes; a Parasite, and a female servant.

PARMENO: (apart.) It’s the very same. (To CHAEREA.) It’s all over with you; make an end of it; you’ve said your last.

CHAEREA: You are thinking about something else.

PARMENO: Indeed I’m thinking of this same matter.

CHAEREA: Pray, tell me, do you know her, or did you see her?

PARMENO: I did see, and I do know her, I am aware to what house she has been taken.

CHAEREA: What, my dear Parmeno, do you know her, and are you aware where she is?

PARMENO: She has been brought here (pointing) to the house of Thais the Courtesan. She has been made a present to her.

CHAEREA: What opulent person is it, to be presenting a gift so precious as this?

PARMENO: The Captain Thraso, Phaedria’s rival.

CHAEREA: An unpleasant business for my brother, it should seem.

PARMENO: Aye, and if you did but know what present he is pitting against this present, you would say so still more.

CHAEREA: Troth now, what is it, pray?

PARMENO: A Eunuch.

CHAEREA: What! that unsightly creature, pray, that he purchased yesterday, an old woman?

PARMENO: That very same.

CHAEREA: To a certainty, the gentleman will be bundled out of doors, together with his present; but I wasn’t aware that this Thais is our neighbor.

PARMENO: It isn’t long since she came.

CHAEREA: Unhappy wretch that I am! never to have seen her, even. Come now, just tell me, is she as handsome as she is reported to be?

PARMENO: Quite.

CHAEREA: But nothing in comparison with this damsel of mine?

PARMENO: Another thing altogether.

CHAEREA: Troth now, Parmeno, prithee do contrive for me to gain possession of her.

PARMENO: I’ll do my best, and use all my endeavors; I’ll lend you my assistance. (Going.) Do you want any thing else with me?

CHAEREA: Where are you going now?

PARMENO: Home; to take those slaves to Thais, as your brother ordered me.

CHAEREA: Oh, lucky Eunuch that! really, to be sent as a present to that house!

PARMENO: Why so?

CHAEREA: Do you ask? He will always see at home a fellow-servant of consummate beauty, and be conversing with her; he will be in the same house with her; sometimes he will take his meals with her; sometimes sleep near her.

PARMENO: What now, if you yourself were to be this fortunate person?

CHAEREA: By what means, Parmeno? Tell me.

PARMENO: Do you assume his dress.

CHAEREA: His dress! Well, what then?

PARMENO: I’ll take you there instead of him.

CHAEREA: (musing.) I hear you.

PARMENO: I’ll say that you are he.

CHAEREA: I understand you.

PARMENO: You may enjoy those advantages which you just now said lie would enjoy; you may take your meals together with her, be in company with her, touch her, dally with her, and sleep by her side; as not one of these women is acquainted with you, nor yet knows who you are. Besides, you are of an age and figure that you may easily pass for a eunuch.

CHAEREA: You speak to the purpose; I never knew better counsel given. Well, let’s go in at once; dress me up, take me away, lead me to her, as fast as you can.

PARMENO: What do you mean? Really, I was only joking.

CHAEREA: You talk nonsense.

PARMENO: I’m undone! Wretch that I am! what have I done? (CHAEREA pushes him along.) Whither are you pushing me? You’ll throw me down presently. I entreat you, be quiet.

CHAEREA: Let’s be off. (Pushes him.)

PARMENO: Do you still persist?

CHAEREA: I am resolved upon it.

PARMENO: Only take care that this isn’t too rash a project.

CHAEREA: Certainly it isn’t; let me alone for that.

PARMENO: Aye, but I shall have to pay the penalty for this?

CHAEREA: Pshaw!

PARMENO: We shall be guilty of a disgraceful action.

CHAEREA: What, is it disgraceful to be taken to the house of a Courtesan, and to return the compliment upon those tormentors who treat us and our youthful age so scornfully, and who are always tormenting us in every way;—to dupe them just as we are duped by them?

Or is it right and proper that in preference my father should be wheedled out of his money by deceitful pretexts? Those who knew of this would blame me; while all would think the other a meritorious act.

PARMENO: What’s to be done in such case? If you are determined to do it, you must do it: but don’t you by-and-by be throwing the blame upon me.

CHAEREA: I shall not do so.

PARMENO: Do you order me, then?

CHAEREA: I order, charge, and command you; I will never disavow my authorizing you.

PARMENO: Follow me; may the Gods prosper it! (They go into the house of LACHES.)