Chapter 2

(Enter DEMIPHO, at the other side of the stage.)

DEMIPHO: (to himself.) And is it possible that Antipho has taken a wife without my consent? and that no authority of mine—but let alone authority —no displeasure of mine, at all events, has he been in dread of? To have no sense of shame! O audacious conduct! O Geta, rare adviser!

GETA: (apart to PHAEDRIA.) Just brought in at last.

DEMIPHO: What will they say to me, or what excuse will they find?

I wonder much.

GETA: (apart.) Why, I’ve found that out already; do think of something else.

DEMIPHO: Will he be saying this to me: I did it against my will; the law compelled me? I hear you, and admit it.

GETA: (apart.) Well said!

DEMIPHO: But knowingly, in silence, to give up the cause to his adversaries—did the law oblige him to do that as well?

GETA: (apart.) That is a hard blow.

PHAEDRIA: I’ll clear that up; let me alone for that.

DEMIPHO: It is a matter of doubt what I am to do; for beyond expectation, and quite past all belief, has this befallen me.

So enraged am I, that I can not compose my mind to think upon it. Wherefore it is the duty of all persons, when affairs are the most prosperous, then in especial to reflect within themselves in what way they are to endure adversity. Returning from abroad, let him always picture to himself dangers and losses, either offenses committed by a son, or the death of his wife, or the sickness of a daughter,— that these things are the common lot, so that no one of them may ever come as a surprise upon his feelings. Whatever falls out beyond his hopes, all that he must look upon as so much gain.

GETA: (apart.) O Phaedria, it is incredible how much I surpass my master in wisdom. All my misfortunes have been already calculated upon by me, upon my master coming home. I must grind at the mill, be beaten, wear fetters, be set to work in the fields; not one individual thing of these will happen unexpected by my mind. Whatever falls out beyond my expectations, all that I shall look upon as so much gain. But why do you hesitate to accost him, and soften him at the outset with fair words? (PHAEDRIA goes forward to accost DEMIPHO.)

DEMIPHO: (to himself.) I see Phaedria, my brother’s son, coming toward me.

PHAEDRIA: My uncle, welcome!

DEMIPHO: Greetings to you; but where is Antipho?

PHAEDRIA: That you have arrived in safety—

DEMIPHO: I believe it; answer my question.

PHAEDRIA: He is well; he’s close at hand; but is every thing quite to your wishes?

DEMIPHO: I wish it was so, indeed.

PHAEDRIA: What’s the matter?

DEMIPHO: Do you ask me, Phaedria? You people have cooked up a fine marriage in my absence.

PHAEDRIA: What now, are you angry with him for that?

GETA: (apart.) What a clever contriver!

DEMIPHO: Have I not reason to be angry with him? I long for him to come into my sight, that he may know that through his faultiness, from being a mild father, I am become a most severe one.

PHAEDRIA: But he has done nothing, uncle, for which you should blame him.

DEMIPHO: Now, do look at that; all alike; all hanging together;

when you know one, you know all.

PHAEDRIA: That is not the case.

DEMIPHO: When the one is in fault, the other is at hand to defend him; when it is the other, then he is ready; they just help one another by turns.

GETA: (apart.) The old man, without. knowing it, has exactly described their proceedings.

DEMIPHO: For if it had not been so, you would not, Phaedria, have stood up for him.

PHAEDRIA: If, uncle; it is the fact, that Antipho has been guilty of any fault, in consequence of which he has been too regardless of his interest or his reputation, I would not allege any reason why he should not suffer what he deserves. But if some one by chance, relying upon his own artfulness, has laid a snare for our youthful age, and has succeeded, is it our fault or that of the judges, who often, through envy, take away from the rich, or, through compassion, award to the poor?

GETA: (apart.) Unless I knew the case, I could fancy he was saying the truth.

DEMIPHO: Is there any judge who can possibly know your rights, when you yourself don’t answer a word—as he has done?

PHAEDRIA: He acted the part of an ingenuous young man; after they had come before the judges, he was not able to say what he had intended, so much did his modesty confuse him there through his bashfulness.

GETA: (apart.) I commend him: but why do I hesitate at once to accost the old man? (Going forward to DEMIPHO.) Master, welcome to you! I’m glad to see you safe returned.

DEMIPHO: (ironically.) Ah, excellent guardian! save you, stay of my family, no doubt, to whom, at my departure, I intrusted my son.

GETA: For some minutes past I’ve heard you accusing all of us undeservedly; and me the most undeservedly of them all; for what would you have had me do for you in this affair? The laws do not allow a person who is a slave to plead; nor is there any giving evidence on his part.

DEMIPHO: I grant all that: I admit this too—the young man, unused to courts, was bashful; I allow it:

you, too, are a slave: still, if she was ever so near a relative, it was not necessary for him to marry her, but as the law enjoins, you might have given her a portion; she could have looked out for another husband. Why, then, in preference, did he bring a pauper home?

GETA: No particular reason; but he hadn’t the money.

DEMIPHO: He might have borrowed it from some person or other.

GETA: From some person or other? Nothing more easily said.

DEMIPHO: After all, if on no other terms, on interest.

GETA: Aye, aye, fine talking; as if any one would have trusted him, while you were living.

DEMIPHO: No, it shall not be so; it must not be. Ought I to allow her to remain with him as his wife a single day?

She merits no indulgence. I should like this fellow to be pointed out to me, or to be shown where he lives.

GETA: Phormio, do you mean?

DEMIPHO: That fellow, the woman’s next friend?

GETA: I’ll have him here immediately.

DEMIPHO: Where is Antipho at present?

GETA: Away from home.

DEMIPHO: Go, Phedria, look for him, and bring him here.

PHAEDRIA: I’Il go straightway to the place.

GETA: (aside.) To Pamphila, you mean. (Exeunt PHAEDRIA and GETA.)

DEMIPHO: (to himself.) I’ll just step home to salute the house-hold Gods. From there, I’ll go to the Forum, and summon some of my friends to give me their assistance in this affair; so that I may not be unprepared, when Phormio comes. (Goes into his house.)

(Enter PHORMIO and GETA.)

PHORMIO: And so you say that, dreading his father’s presence, he has taken himself off?

GETA: Exactly so.

PHORMIO: That Phanium is left alone?

GETA: Just so.

PHORMIO: And that the old man is in a rage?

GETA: Extremely so.

PHORMIO: The whole business, Phormio, rests on yourself alone; you yourself have hashed it up; it must all be swallowed by yourself, so set about it.

GETA: I entreat you—

PHORMIO: (to himself.) If he inquires.

GETA: In you is all our hope.

PHORMIO: (to himself.) Look at this, now:—

What if he sends her back?

GETA: It was you that urged us.

PHORMIO: (to himself.) I think that will do.

GETA: Do help us.

PHORMIO: (with alacrity.) Let the old gentleman come; all my plans are now ready prepared in my mind.

GETA: What will you do?

PHORMIO: What would you have me? But that Phanium may continue with him, and that I may clear Antipho from this charge, and turn upon myself all the wrath of the old gentleman?

GETA: O brave and kind man! But, Phormio, I often dread lest this courage may end in the stocks at last.

PHORMIO: Oh, by no means; I’ve made trial, and have already pondered on the paths for my feet. How many men before to-day do you suppose I have beaten, even to death, strangers as well as citizens: the better I understand it, the oftener I try it. Just tell me, look you, did you ever hear of an action of damages being brought against me?

GETA: How is that?

PHORMIO: Because the net is never spread for the hawk or the kite, that do us the mischief; it is spread for those that do us none: because in the last there is profit, while with the others it is labor lost. For persons, out of whom any thing can be got, there’s risk from others; they know that I’ve got nothing. You will say: They will take you, when sentenced, into their house;

they have no wish to maintain a devouring fellow; and, in my opinion, they are wise, if for an injury they are unwilling to return the highest benefits.

GETA: It’s impossible that sufficient thanks can be returned you by him for your kindness.

PHORMIO: Why no; no person can return thanks sufficient to his patron for his kindness. For you to take your place at table at free cost, anointed and just washed at the bath, with your mind at ease, whereas he is devoured with the care and expense: while every thing is being done to give you delight, he is being vexed at heart; you are laughing away, first to drink, take the higher place; a banquet full of doubts is placed before you—

GETA: What is the meaning of that expression?

PHORMIO: When you are in doubt which in especial to par-take of. When you enter upon a consideration how delicious these things are, and how costly they are, the person who provides them, must you not account him a very God—neither more nor less?

GETA: The old man is coming; take care what you are about; the first onset is the fiercest; if you stand that, then, afterward, you may play just as you please. (They retire to a distance.)

(Enter, at a distance, DEMIPHO, HEGIO, CRATINUS, and CRITO, following him.)

DEMIPHO: Well now—did you ever hear of an injury being done to any person in a more affronting manner than this has to me?

Assist me, I do beg of you.

GETA: (apart.) He’s in a passion.

PHORMIO: (apart.) Do you mind your cue; I’ll rouse him just now. (Stepping forward and crying aloud.) Oh immortal Gods! does Demipho deny that Phanium here is related to him?

GETA: He does deny it.

DEMIPHO: (to his friends.) I believe it is the very man I was speaking about. Follow me. (They all come forward.)

PHORMIO: (to GETA.) And that he knows who her father was?

GETA: He does deny it.

PHORMIO: And that he knows who Stilpho was?

GETA: He does deny it.

PHORMIO: Because the poor thing was left destitute, her father is disowned; she herself is slighted: see what avarice does.

GETA: (in a loud voice.) If you are going to accuse my: master of avarice, you shall hear what you won’t like.

DEMIPHO: Oh, the impudence of the fellow! Does he come on purpose to accuse me?

PHORMIO: For really, I have no reason why I should be offended at the young man, if he did not know him; since that person, when growing aged and poor, and supporting himself by his labor, generally confined himself to the country; there he had a piece of land from my father to cultivate; full oft, in the mean time, did the old. man tell me that this kinsman of his neglected him: but what a man? The very best I ever saw in all my life.

GETA: (in a loud voice.) Look to yourself as well as to him, how you speak.

PHORMIO: (with affected indignation.) Away, to utter perdition, with you. For if I had not formed such an opinion of him, I should never have incurred such enmity with your family on her account, whom he now slights in such an ungenerous manner.

GETA: (aloud.) What, do you persist in speaking abusively of my master in his absence, you most abominable fellow?

PHORMIO: Why, it’s just what he deserves.

GETA: (aloud.) Say you so, you jail-bird?

DEMIPHO: (calling aloud.) Geta!

GETA: (aloud.) A plunderer of people’s property—a perverter of the laws!

DEMIPHO: (calling aloud.) Geta!

PHORMIO: (apart, in a low voice.) Answer him.

GETA: Who is it? (Looking round.) Oh!—

DEMIPHO: Hold your peace.

GETA: He has never left off uttering abuse against you behind your back, unworthy of you, and just befitting himself.

DEMIPHO: Well now, have done. (Addressing PHORMIO.) Young man, in the first place, with your good leave, I ask you this, if you may possibly be pleased to give me an answer:

explain to me who this friend of yours was, that you speak of, and how he said that he was related to me.

PHORMIO: (sneeringly.) You are fishing it out, just as if you didn’t know.

DEMIPHO: I, know?

PHORMIO: Yes.

DEMIPHO: I say I do not; you, Who affirm it, recall it to my recollection.

PHORMIO: Come now, didn’t you know your own cousin-ger-man?

DEMIPHO: You torture me to death;

tell me his name.

PHORMIO: His name?

DEMIPHO: Of course. (PHORMIO hesitates.) Why are you silent now?

PHORMIO: (aside.) Heavens, I’m undone; I’ve forgot the name.

DEMIPHO: Well, what do you say?

PHORMIO: (aside, to GETA.) Geta, if you recollect the name I told you a short time since, prompt me. (Aloud, to DEMIPHO.) Well then, I sha’n’t tell you; as if you didn’t know, you come to pump me.

DEMIPHO: I, come to pump you, indeed?

GETA: (whispering to PHORMIO.) Stilpho.

PHORMIO: But, after all, what matters that to me?

It is Stilpho.

DEMIPHO: Whom did you say?

PHORMIO: Stilpho, I tell you; you knew him.

DEMIPHO: I neither know him, nor had I ever any relation of that name.

PHORMIO: Say you so? Are you not ashamed of this? But if he had left you ten talents—

DEMIPHO: May the Gods confound you!

PHORMIO: You’d have been the first, from memory, to trace your line of kindred, even as far back as from grandfather and great-grandfather.

DEMIPHO: Very likely what you say. In that case, when I had undertaken it, I should have shown how she was related to me; do you do the same: tell me, how is she related to me?

GETA: Well done, my master, that’s right! (Threateningly to PHORMIO.) Hark you, take you care.

PHORMIO: I’ve already made the matter quite plain where I ought, before the judges; besides, if it was untrue, why didn’t your son disprove it?

DEMIPHO: Do you talk about my son to me? Of whose folly there is no speaking in the language it deserves.

PHORMIO: Then do you, who are so wise, go to the magistrates, that for you they may give a second decision in the same cause, since you reign alone here, and are the only man allowed to get a second trial in the same cause.

DEMIPHO: Although wrong has been done me, still, however, rather than engage in litigation, or listen to you, just as though she had been my relation, as the law orders one to find her a portion, rid me of her, and take five minae.

PHORMIO: laughing.) Ha, ha, ha! a pleasant individual!

DEMIPHO: Well! am I asking any thing unfair? Or am I not to obtain even this, which is my right at common law?

PHORMIO: Pray, really is it so, that when you have abused-her like a courtesan, the law orders you to pay her hire and pack her off? Or is it the fact, that in order that a citizen may bring no disgrace upon herself through poverty, she has been ordered to be given to her nearest relative, to pass her life with him alone? A thing which you mean to prevent.

DEMIPHO: Yes, to her nearest.relative, indeed; but why to us, or on what ground?

PHORMIO: Well, well, a thing tried, they say, you can’t try over again.

DEMIPHO: Not try it? On the contrary, I shall not desist until I have gone through with it.

PHORMIO: You are trifling.

DEMIPHO: Only let me alone for that.

PHORMIO: In short, Demipho, I have nothing to do with you; your son has been cast, and not you; for your time of life for marrying has now gone by.

DEMIPHO: Consider that it is he that says to you all I now say, or else assuredly, together with this wife of his, I’ll be forbidding him the house.

GETA: (aside.) He’s in a passion.

PHORMIO: You’ll be acting more considerately.

DEMIPHO: Are you so resolved, you unlucky fellow, to do me all the mischief you can?

PHORMIO: (aside, to GETA.) He’s afraid of us, although he’s so careful to conceal it.

GETA: (aside, to PHORMIO.) Your beginning has turned out well.

PHORMIO: But if, on the contrary, you endure what must be endured, you’ll be doing what’s worthy of you, so that we may be on friendly terms.

DEMIPHO: (indignantly.) What, I seek your friendship, or have any wish to see or hear you?

PHORMIO: If you can agree with her, you will have some one to cheer up your old age; just consider your time of life.

DEMIPHO: Let her cheer up yourself; keep her to yourself.

PHORMIO: Really, do moderate your passion.

DEMIPHO: Mark what I say. There have been words enough already; if you don’t make haste to fetch away the woman, I shall turn her out: I have said it, Phormio.

PHORMIO: If you use her in any other manner than is befitting a free-born woman, I shall be bringing a swinging action against you: I have said it, Demipho.

(To GETA.) Hark you, if there should be any occasion for me, I shall be at home.

GETA: (apart.) I understand you. (Exit PHORMIO.)

(DEMIPHO, HEGIO, CRATINUS, CRITO, and GETA.)

DEMIPHO: What care and anxiety my son does bring upon me, by entangling himself and me in this same marriage! And he doesn’t so much as come into my sight, that at least I might know what he says about this matter. or what his sentiments are.

(To GETA.) Be off, go see whether he has returned home or not by this.

GETA: I will. (Goes into the house.)

DEMIPHO: (to the ASSISTANTS.) You see how the case stands. What am I to do? Tell me, Hegio.

HEGIO: What, I? I think Cratinus ought, if it seems good to you.

DEMIPHO: Tell me, Cratinus.

CRATINUS: What, do you wish me to speak?

I should like you to do what is most for your advantage;

it is my opinion, that what this son of yours has done in your absence, in law and justice ought to be annulled; and that you’ll obtain redress. That’s my opinion.

DEMIPHO: Say now, Hegio.

HEGIO: I believe that he has spoken with due deliberation; but it is the fact, as many men, so many minds; every, one his own way.

It doesn’t appear to me that what has been done by law can be revoked; and it is wrong to attempt it.

DEMIPHO: Speak, Crito.

CRITO: I am of opinion that we must deliberate further; it is a, matter of importance.

HEGIO: Do you want any thing further with us?

DEMIPHO: You have done very well. (Exeunt ASSISTANTS.) I am much more at a loss than before. (Re-enter GETA, from the house.)

GETA: They say that he has not come back.

DEMIPHO: I must wait for my brother. The advice that he gives me about this matter, I shall follow. I’ll go make inquiry at the harbor, when he is to come back. (Exit.)

GETA: And I’ll go look for Antipho, that he may learn what has passed here. But look, I see him coming this way, just in the very nick of time.