Chapter 5

(Enter SOPHRONA from the house of DEMIPHO, at a distance.)

SOPHRONA: (to herself.) What am I to do? What friend, in my distress, shall I find, to whom to disclose these plans; and where shall I look for relief?

For I’m afraid that my mistress, in consequence of my advice, may undeservingly sustain some injury, so extremely ill do I hear that the young man’s father takes what has happened.

CHREMES: (apart, to himself.) But what old woman’s this, that has come out of my brother’s house, half dead with fright?

SOPHRONA: (to herself, continuing) It was distress that compelled me to this step, though I knew that the match was not likely to hold good; my object was, that in the mean time life might be supported.

CHREMES: (apart, to himself.) Upon my faith, surely, unless my recollection deceives me, or my sight’s not very good, I espy my daughter’s nurse.

SOPHRONA: (to herself.) And we are not able to find—

CHREMES: (apart.) What must I do?

SOPHRONA: (to herself.) Her father.

CHREMES: (to himself, apart.) Shall I accost her, or shall I wait to learn more distinctly what it is she’s saying?

SOPHRONA: (to herself) If now I could find him, there’s nothing that I should be in fear of.

CHREMES: (apart, to himself, aloud.) ’Tis the very woman. I’ll address her.

SOPHRONA: (turning round.) Who’s that speaking here?

CHREMES: (coming forward.) Sophrona.

SOPHRONA: Mentioning my name, too?

CHREMES: Look round at me.

SOPHRONA: (seeing him.) Ye Gods, I do beseech you, isn’t this Stilpho?

CHREMES: No.

SOPHRONA: Do you deny it?

CHREMES: (in a low voice.) Step a little this way from that door, Sophrona, if you please (pointing). Don’t you, henceforth, be calling me by that name.

SOPHRONA: Why? Pray, are you not the person you always used to say you were?

CHREMES: Hush! (pointing to his own house.)

SOPHRONA: Why are you afraid about that door?

CHREMES: (in a low voice.) I have got a shrew of a wife shut up there. For by that name I formerly falsely called myself, in order that you might not chance indiscreetly to blab it out of doors, and then my wife, by some means or other, might come to know of it.

SOPHRONA: I’ faith, that’s the very reason why we, wretched creatures, have never been able to find you out here.

CHREMES: Well, but tell me, what business have you with that family from whose house you were coming out? Where are the ladies?

SOPHRONA: Ah, wretched me!

CHREMES: Hah! What’s the matter? Are they still alive?

SOPHRONA: Your daughter is alive.

Her poor mother died of grief.

CHREMES: An unfortunate thing!

SOPHRONA: As for me, being a lone old woman, in want, and unknown, I contrived, as well as I could, to get the young woman married to the young man who is master of this house (pointing).

CHREMES: What! to Antipho?

SOPHRONA: The very same, I say.

CHREMES: What? Has he got two wives?

SOPHRONA: Dear no, prithee, he has only got this one.

CHREMES: What about the other one that’s called his relative?

SOPHRONA: Why, this is she.

CHREMES: What is it you say?

SOPHRONA: It was done on purpose, in order that her lover might be enabled to marry her without a portion.

CHREMES: Ye Gods, by our trust in you! How often do those things come about through accident, which you couldn’t dare to hope for? On my return, I have found my daughter matched with the very person I wished, and just as I wanted;

a thing that we were both using our endeavors, with the greatest earnestness, to bring about. Without any very great management on our part, by her own management, she has by herself brought this about.

SOPHRONA: Now consider what’s to be done. The young man’s father has returned, and they say that he bears this with feelings highly offended.

CHREMES: There’s no danger of that. But, by Gods and men, do take care that no one comes to know that she’s my daughter.

SOPHRONA: No one shall know it from me.

CHREMES: Follow me; in-doors we’ll hear the rest. (He goes into DEMIPHO’S house, followed by SOPHRONA.)

(Enter DEMIPHO and GETA.)

DEMIPHO: ’Tis caused by our own fault, that it is advantageous to be dishonest; while we wish ourselves to be styled very honest and generous. So run away as not to run beyond the house, as the saying is. Was it not enough to receive an injury from him, but money must be voluntarily offered him as well, that he may have something on which to subsist while he plans some other piece of roguery?

GETA: Most clearly so.

DEMIPHO: They now get rewarded for it, who confound right with wrong.

GETA: Most undoubtedly.

DEMIPHO: How very foolishly, in fact, we have managed the affair with him!

GETA: If by these means we can only manage for him to marry her.

DEMIPHO: Is that, then, a matter of doubt?

GETA: I’ faith, judging from what the fellow is, I don’t know whether he mightn’t change his mind.

DEMIPHO: How! change it indeed?

GETA: I don’t know: but if perhaps, I say.

DEMIPHO: I’ll do as my brother advised me, bring hither his wife, to talk with her. Do you, Geta, go before; tell her that Nausistrata is about to visit her. (DEMIPHO goes into the house of CHREMES.)

GETA: The money’s been got for Phaedria; it’s all hushed about the lawsuit; due care has been taken that she’s not to leave for the present. What next, then?

What’s to be done? You are still sticking in the mud. You are paying by borrowing; the evil that was at hand, has been put off for a day. The toils are increasing upon you, if you don’t look out. Now I’ll away home, and tell Phanium not to be afraid of Nausistrata, or his talking. (Goes into the house of DEMIPHO.)

(Enter DEMIPHO and NAUSISTRATA, from the house of CHREMES.)

DEMIPHO: Come now, Nausistrata, after your usual way, manage to keep her in good-humor with us, and make her do of her own accord what must be done.

NAUSISTRATA: I will.

DEMIPHO: You are now seconding me with your endeavors, just as you assisted me with your money before.

NAUSISTRATA: I wish to do so; and yet, i’ faith, through the fault of my husband, I am less able than I ought to be.

DEMIPHO: Why so?

NAUSISTRATA: Because, i’ faith, he takes such indifferent care of the property that was so industriously acquired by my father; for from those farms he used regularly to receive two talents of silver yearly; there’s an instance, how superior one man is to another.

DEMIPHO: Two talents, pray?

NAUSISTRATA: Aye, and when things were much worse, two talents even.

DEMIPHO: Whew!

NAUSISTRATA: What! does this seem surprising?

DEMIPHO: Of course it does.

NAUSISTRATA: I wish I had been born a man; I’d have shown—

DEMIPHO: That I’m quite sure of.

NAUSISTRATA: In what way—

DEMIPHO: Forbear, pray, that you may be able to do battle with her; lest she, being a young woman, may be more than a match for you.

NAUSISTRATA: I’ll do as you bid me; but I see my husband coming out of your house. (Enter CHREMES, hastily, from DEMIPHO’S house.)

CHREMES: Ha! Demipho, has the money been paid him yet?

DEMIPHO: I took care immediately.

CHREMES: I wish it hadn’t been paid him. (On seeing NAUSISTRATA, aside.): Halloo, I espy my wife; I had almost said more than I ought.

DEMIPHO: Why do you wish I hadn’t, Chremes?

CHREMES: It’s all right.

DEMIPHO: What say you? Have you been letting her know why we are going to bring her? (pointing to NAUSISTRATA.)

CHREMES: I’ve arranged it.

DEMIPHO: Pray, what does she say?

CHREMES: She can’t be got to leave.

DEMIPHO: Why can’t she?

CHREMES: Because they are fond of one another.

DEMIPHO: What’s that to us?

CHREMES: (apart, to DEMIPHO.) A great deal; besides that, I’ve found out that she is related to us.

DEMIPHO: (apart.) What! You are mad, surely.

CHREMES: (apart.) So you will find; I don’t speak at random; I’ve recovered my recollection.

DEMIPHO: (apart.) Are you quite in your senses?

CHREMES: (apart.) Nay, prithee, do take care not to injure your kinswoman.

DEMIPHO: (apart.) She is not.

CHREMES: (apart.) Don’t deny it; her father went by another name; that was the cause of your mistake.

DEMIPHO: (apart.) Did she not know who was her father?

CHREMES: (apart.) She did.

DEMIPHO: (apart.) Why did she call him by another name?

CHREMES: (apart, frowning.) Will you never yield to me, nor understand what I mean?

DEMIPHO: (apart.) If you don’t tell me of any thing—

CHREMES: (impatiently.) Do you persist?

NAUSISTRATA: I wonder what all this can be.

DEMIPHO: For my part, upon my faith, I don’t know.

CHREMES: (whispering to him.) Would you like to know? Then, so may Jupiter preserve me, not a person is there more nearly related to her than are you and I.

DEMIPHO: (starting.) Ye Gods, by our trust in you! let’s away to her; I wish for all of us, one way or other, to be sure about this (going).

CHREMES: (stopping him.) Ah!

DEMIPHO: What’s the matter?

CHREMES: That you should put so little confidence in me!

DEMIPHO: Do you wish me to believe you? Do you wish me to consider this as quite certain? Very well, be it so. Well, what’s to be done with our friend’s daughter?

CHREMES: She’ll do well enough.

DEMIPHO: Are we to drop her, then?

CHREMES: Why not?

DEMIPHO: The other one to stop?

CHREMES: Just so.

DEMIPHO: You may go then, Nausistrata.

NAUSISTRATA: I’ faith, I think it better for all that she should remain here as it is, than as you first intended; for she seemed to me a very genteel person when I saw her. (Goes into her house.)

DEMIPHO: What is the meaning of all this?

CHREMES: (looking at the door of his house.) Has she shut the door yet?

DEMIPHO: Now she has.

CHREMES: O Jupiter! the Gods do befriend us; I have found that it is my daughter married to your son.

DEMIPHO: Ha! How can that possibly be?

CHREMES: This spot is not exactly suited for me to tell it you.

DEMIPHO: Well then, step in-doors.

CHREMES: Hark, you, I don’t wish our sons even to come to know of this. (They go into DEMIPHO’S house.)

(Enter ANTIPHO.)

ANTIPHO: I’m glad that, however my own affairs go, my brother has succeeded in his wishes. How wise it is to cherish desires of that nature in the mind, that when things run counter, you may easily find a cure for them! He has both got the money, and released himself from care; I, by no method, can extricate myself from these troubles;

on the contrary, if the matter is concealed, I am in dread—but if disclosed, in disgrace. Neither should I now go home, were not a hope still presented me of retaining her. But where, I wonder, can I find Geta, that I may ask him what opportunity he would recommend me to take for meeting my father?

(Enter PHORMIO, at a distance.)

PHORMIO: (to himself) I received the money; handed it over to the Procurer; brought away the woman, that Phaedria might have her as his own—for she has now become free. Now there is one thing still remaining for me to manage,—to get a respite from the old gentlemen for carousing; for I’ll enjoy myself the next few days.

ANTIPHO: But here’s Phormio. (Going up to him.) What have you to say?

PHORMIO: About what?

ANTIPHO: Why—what’s Phaedria going to do now? In what way does he say that he intends to take his fill of love?

PHORMIO: In his turn, he’s going to act your part.

ANTIPHO: What part?

PHORMIO: To run away from his father; he begs that you in your return will act on his behalf—to plead his cause for him. For he’s going to carouse at my house. I shall tell the old man that I’m going to Sunium, to the fair, to purchase the female servant that Geta mentioned a while since, so that, when they don’t see me here, they mayn’t suppose that I’m squandering their money.

But there is a noise at the door of your house.

ANTIPHO: See who’s coming out.

PHORMIO: It’s Geta.

(Enter GETA, at a distance, hastily, from the house of DEMIPHO.)

GETA: (to himself.) O fortune! O good luck! with blessings how great, how suddenly hast thou loaded this day with thy favors to my master Antipho!—

ANTIPHO: (apart to PHORMIO.) I wonder what it is he means.

GETA: (continuing.) And relieved us, his friends, from alarm; but I’m now delaying, in not throwing my cloak over my shoulder (throws it over his shoulder), and making haste to find him, that he may know what has happened.

ANTIPHO: (apart to PHORMIO.) Do you understand what he’s talking about?

PHORMIO: (apart to ANTIPHO.) Do you?

ANTIPHO: (apart to PHORMIO.) Not at all.

PHORMIO: (apart to ANTIPHO.) And I just as much.

GETA: (to himself.) I’ll be off hence to the Procurer’s; they are there just now. (Runs along.)

ANTIPHO: (calling out.) Halloo! Geta!

GETA: (still running.) There’s for you. Is it any thing new or wonderful to be called back, directly you’ve started?

ANTIPHO: Geta!

GETA: Do you persist? Troth, you shall not on this occasion get the better of me by your annoyance.

ANTIPHO: (running after him.) Won’t you stop?

GETA: You’ll be getting a beating.

ANTIPHO: Assuredly that will befall yourself just now unless you stop, you whip-knave.

GETA: This must be some one pretty familiar, threatening me with a beating. (Turns round.) But is it the person I’m in search of or not?’Tis the very man! Up to him at once.

ANTIPHO: What’s the matter?

GETA: O being most blessed of all men living! For without question, Antipho, you are the only favorite of the Gods.

ANTIPHO: So I could wish; but I should like to be told why I’m to believe it is so.

GETA: Is it enough if I plunge you into a sea of joy?

ANTIPHO: You are worrying me to death.

PHORMIO: Nay but do have done with your promises, and tell us what you bring.

GETA: (looking round.) Oh, are you here too, Phormio?

PHORMIO: I am: but why do you delay?

GETA: Listen, then. When we just now paid you the money at the Forum, we went straight to Chremes; in the mean time, my master sent me to your wife.

ANTIPHO: What for?

GETA: I’ll omit telling you that, as it is nothing to the present purpose, Antipho. Just as I was going to the woman’s apartments, the boy Mida came running up to me, and caught me behind by my cloak, and pulled me back; I turned about, and inquired for what reason he stopped me; he said that it was forbidden for any one to go in to his mistress.

Sophrona has just now, said he, introduced here Chremes, the old gentleman’s brother, and he said that he was then in the room with them: when I heard this, on tip-toe I stole softly along; I came there, stood, held my breath, I applied my ear, and so began to listen, catching the conversation every word in this fashion (shows them).

ANTIPHO: Well done, Geta.

GETA: Here I overheard a very pretty piece of business; so much so that I had nearly cried out for joy.

ANTIPHO: What was it?

GETA: (laughing.) What do you think?

ANTIPHO: I don’t know.

GETA: Why, something most marvelous. Your uncle has been discovered to be the father of your wife, Phanium.

ANTIPHO: (starting.) Ha! what’s that you say

GETA: He formerly cohabited secretly with her mother at Lemnos.

PHORMIO: A dream: how could she be ignorant about her own father?

GETA: Be sure,

Phormio, that there is some reason: but do you suppose that, outside of the door, I was able to understand every thing that passed between them within?

ANTIPHO: On my faith, I too have heard the same story.

GETA: Aye, and I’ll give you still further reason for believing it: your uncle in the mean time came out from there; not long after he returned again, with your father;

each said that he gave you permission to retain her; in fine, I’ve been sent to find you, and bring you to them.

ANTIPHO: Why then carry me off at once;—why do you delay?

GETA: I’ll do so.

ANTIPHO: O my dear Phormio, farewell!

PHORMIO: Farewell, Antipho. (ANTIPHO and GETA go into DEMIPHO’S house.) So may the Gods bless me, this has turned out luckily. I’m glad of it, that such good fortune has thus suddenly befallen them.

I have now an excellent opportunity for diddling the old men, and ridding Phaedria of all anxiety about the money, so that he mayn’t be under the necessity of applying to any of his companions. For this same money, as it has been given him, shall be given for good, whether they like it or not: how to force them to this, I’ve found out the very way.

I must now assume a new air and countenance. But I’ll betake myself off to this next alley; from that spot I’ll present myself to them, when they come out of doors. I sha’n’t go to the fair, where I pretended I was going. (He retires into the alley.)

(Enter DEMIPHO and CHREMES, from DEMIPHO’S house.)

DEMIPHO: I do give and return hearty thanks to the Gods, and with reason, brother, inasmuch as these matters have turned out for us so fortunately. We must now meet with Phormio as soon as possible, before he squanders our thirty minae, so that we may get them from him. (Enter PHORMIO, coming forward, and speaking aloud, as though not seeing them.)

PHORMIO: I’ll go see if Demipho’s at home; that as to what —

DEMIPHO: (accosting him.) Why, Phormio, we were coming to you.

PHORMIO: Perhaps about the very same affair. (DEMIPHO nods assent.)

I’ faith,

I thought so.

What were you coming to my house for? Ridiculous; are you afraid that I sha’n’t do what I have once undertaken? Hark you, whatever is my poverty, still, of this one thing I have taken due care, not to forfeit my word.

CHREMES: (to DEMIPHO.) Is she not genteel-looking, just as I told you?

DEMIPHO: Very much so.

PHORMIO: And this is what I’m come to tell you, Demipho, that I’m quite ready; whenever you please, give me my wife. For I postponed all my other business, as was fit I should, when I understood that you were so very desirous to have it so.

DEMIPHO: (pointing to CHREMES.) But he has dissuaded me from giving her to you. For what, says he, will be the talk among people if you do this? Formerly, when she might have been handsomely disposed of, then she wasn’t given; now it’s a disgrace for her to be turned out of doors, a repudiated woman; pretty nearly, in fact, all the reasons which you yourself, some little time since, were urging to me.

PHORMIO: Upon my faith, you are treating me in a very insulting manner.

DEMIPHO: How so?

PHORMIO: Do you ask me? Because I shall not be able to marry the other person I mentioned; for with what face shall I return to her whom I’ve slighted?

CHREMES: Then besides, I see that Antipho is unwilling to part with her. (Aside, prompting DEMIPHO.) Say so.

DEMIPHO: Then besides, I see that my son is very unwilling to part with the damsel. But have the goodness to step over to the Forum, and order this money to be transferred to my account, Phormio.

PHORMIO: What, when I’ve paid it over to the persons to whom I was indebted?

DEMIPHO: What’s to be done, then?

PHORMIO: If you will let me have her for a wife, as you promised, I’ll take her; but if you prefer that she should stay with you, the portion must stay with me, Demipho. For it isn’t fair that I should be misled for you, as it was for your own sakes that I broke off with the other woman, who was to have brought me a portion just as large.

DEMIPHO: Away with you to utter perdition, with this swaggering, you vagabond. What, then, do you fancy we don’t know you, or your doings?

PHORMIO: You are provoking me.

DEMIPHO: Would you have married her, if she had been given to you?

PHORMIO: Try the experiment.

DEMIPHO: That my son might cohabit with her at your house, that was your design.

PHORMIO: Pray, what is that you say?

DEMIPHO: Then do you give me my money?

PHORMIO: Nay, but do you give me my wife?

DEMIPHO: Come before a magistrate. (Going to seize hold of him.)

PHORMIO: Why, really, if you persist in being troublesome—

DEMIPHO: What will you do?

PHORMIO: What, I? You fancy, perhaps, just now, that I am the protector of the portionless; for the well portioned,

I’m in the habit of being so as well.

CHREMES: What’s that to us?

PHORMIO: (with a careless air.) Nothing at all. I know a certain lady here (pointing at CHREMES’S house) whose husband had—

CHREMES: (starting.) Ha!

DEMIPHO: What’s the matter?

PHORMIO: Another wife at Lemnos —

CHREMES: (aside.) I’m ruined!

PHORMIO: By whom he had a daughter; and her he is secretly bringing up.

CHREMES: (aside.) I’m dead and buried!

PHORMIO: This I shall assuredly now inform her of. (Walks toward the house.)

CHREMES: (running and catching hold of him.) I beg of you, don’t do so.

PHORMIO: (with a careless air.) Oh, were you the person?

DEMIPHO: What a jest he’s making of us.

CHREMES: (to PHORMIO.) We’ll let you off.

PHORMIO: Nonsense.

CHREMES: What would you have? We’ll forgive you the money you’ve got,

PHORMIO: I hear you. Why the plague, then, do you two trifle with me in this way, you silly men, with your childish speeches—

I won’t, and I will; I will, and I won’t, over again: keep it, give it me back; what has been said, is unsaid; what had been just a bargain, is now no bargain.

CHREMES: (aside, to DEMIPHO.) In what manner, or from whom has he come to know of this?

DEMIPHO: (aside.) I don’t, know; but that I’ve told it to no one, I know for certain.

CHREMES: (aside.) So may the Gods bless me,’tis as good as a miracle.

PHORMIO: (aside, to himself.) I’ve graveled them.

DEMIPHO: (apart, to CHREMES.) Well now, is he to be carrying off from us such a sum of money as this, and so palpably to impose upon us? By heavens, I’d sooner die. Manage to show yourself of resolute and ready wit. You see that this slip of yours has got abroad, and that you can not now possibly conceal it from your wife;

it is then more conducive to our quiet, Chremes, ourselves to disclose what she will be hearing from others; and then, in our own fashion, we shall be able to take vengeance upon this dirty fellow.

PHORMIO: (aside, to himself.) Good lack-a-day, now’s the sticking-point, if I don’t look out for myself. They are making toward me with a gladiatorial air.

CHREMES: (apart, to DEMIPHO.) But I doubt whether it’s possible for her to be appeased.

DEMIPHO: (apart, to CHREMES.) Be of good courage; I’ll effect a reconciliation between you; remembering this, Chremes, that she is dead and gone by whom you had this girl.

PHORMIO: (in a loud voice.) Is this the way you are going to deal with me? Very cleverly done. Come on with you. By heavens, Demipho, you have provoked me, not to his advantage (pointing at CHREMES).

How say you? (addressing CHREMES). When you’ve been doing abroad just as you pleased, and have had no regard for this excellent lady here, but on the contrary, have been injuring her in an unheard-of manner, would you be coming to me with prayers to wash away your offenses? On telling her of this, I’ll make her so incensed with you, that you sha’n’t quench her, though you should melt away into tears.

DEMIPHO: (aside.) A plague may all the Gods and Goddesses send upon him. That any fellow should be possessed of so much impudence! Does not this villain deserve to be transported hence to some desolate land at the public charge?

CHREMES: (aside.) I am brought to such a pass, that I really don’t know what to do in it.

DEMIPHO: I know; let’s go into court.

PHORMIO: Into court? Here in preference (pointing to CHREMES’S house), if it suits you in any way. (Moves toward the house.)

DEMIPHO: (to CHREMES.) Follow him, and hold him back, till I call out the servants.

CHREMES: (trying to seize PHORMIO.) But I can’t by myself; run and help me.

PHORMIO: (to DEMIPHO, who seizes hold of him.) There’s one action of damages against you.

CHREMES: Sue him at law, then.

PHORMIO: And another with you, Chremes.

DEMIPHO: Lay hold of him. (They both drag him.)

PHORMIO: Is it thus you do? Why then I must exert my voice: Nausistrata, come out (calling aloud).

CHREMES: (to DEMIPHO.) Stop his mouth.

DEMIPHO: See how strong the rascal is.

PHORMIO: (calling aloud.) Nausistrata, I say.

CHREMES: Will you not hold your tongue?

PHORMIO: Hold my tongue?

DEMIPHO: (to CHREMES, as they drag him along.) If he won’t follow, plant your fists in his stomach.

PHORMIO: Or e’en gouge out an eye. The time’s coming when I shall have a full revenge on you.

(Enter NAUSISTRATA, in haste, from the house.)

NAUSISTRATA: Who calls my name?

CHREMES: (in alarm.) Ha!

NAUSISTRATA: My husband, pray what means this disturbance?

PHORMIO: (to CHREMES.) Oh, oh, why are you mute now?

NAUSISTRATA: Who is this man? Won’t you answer me?

PHORMIO: What, he to answer you? who, upon my faith, doesn’t know where he is.

CHREMES: (to NAUSISTRATA.) Take care how you believe that fellow in any thing.

PHORMIO: (to NAUSISTRATA.) Go, touch him; if he isn’t in a cold sweat all over, why then kill me.

CHREMES: ’Tis nothing at all.

NAUSISTRATA: What is it, then, that this person is talking about?

PHORMIO: You shall know directly; listen now.

CHREMES: Are you resolved to believe him?

NAUSISTRATA: Pray, how can I believe him, when he has told me nothing?

PHORMIO: The poor creature is distracted from fright.

NAUSISTRATA: It isn’t for nothing, i’ faith, that you are in such a fright.

CHREMES: What, I in a fright?

PHORMIO: (to CHREMES.) All right, of course: since you are not in a fright at all, and this is nothing at all that I’m going to tell, do you relate it.

DEMIPHO: Villain, is he to relate it at your request?

PHORMIO: (to DEMIPHO.) Come now, you’ve managed nicely for your brother.

NAUSISTRATA: My husband, will you not tell me?

CHREMES: But—

NAUSISTRATA: But what?

CHREMES: There’s no need to tell you.

PHORMIO: Not for you, indeed; but there’s need for her to know it. At Lemnos —

CHREMES: (starting.) Ha! what are you doing?

DEMIPHO: (to PHORMIO.) Won’t you hold your tongue?

PHORMIO: (to NAUSISTRATA.) Unknown to you—

CHREMES: Ah me!

PHORMIO: He married another—

NAUSISTRATA: My dear sir, may the Gods forbid it!

PHORMIO: Such is the fact.

NAUSISTRATA: Wretch that I am, I’m undone!

PHORMIO: And had a daughter by her, too, while you never dreamed of it.

CHREMES: What are we to do?

NAUSISTRATA: O immortal Gods!—a disgraceful and a wicked misdeed!

DEMIPHO: (aside, to CHREMES.) It’s all up with you.

PHORMIO: Was ever any thing now more ungenerously done?

Your men, who, when they come to their wives, then become incapacitated from old age.

NAUSISTRATA: Demipho, I appeal to you; for with that man it is irksome for me to speak. Were these those frequent journeys and long visits at Lemnos? Was this the lowness of prices that reduced our rents?

DEMIPHO: Nausistrata, I don’t deny that in this matter he has been deserving of censure;

but still, it may be pardoned.

PHORMIO: (apart.) He is talking to the dead.

DEMIPHO: For he did this neither through neglect or aversion to yourself. About fifteen years since, in a drunken fit, he had an intrigue with this poor woman, of whom this girl was born, nor did he ever touch her afterward. She is dead and gone: the only difficulty that remained in this matter.

Wherefore, I do beg of you, that, as in other things, you’ll bear this with patience.

NAUSISTRATA: Why should I with patience? I could wish, afflicted as I am, that there were an end now of this matter. But how can I hope? Am I to suppose that, at his age, he will not offend in future? Was he not an old man then, if old age makes people behave themselves decently? Are my looks and my age more attractive now, Demipho?

What do you advance to me, to make me expect or hope that this will not happen any more?

PHORMIO: (in a loud voice.) Those who have a mind to come to the funeral of Chremes, why now’s their time.’Tis thus I retaliate: come now, let him challenge Phormio who pleases: I’ll have him victimized with just a like mischance. Why then, let him return again into her good graces. I have now had revenge enough.

She has got something for her as long as she lives, to be forever ringing into his ears.

NAUSISTRATA: But it was because I deserved this, I suppose; why should I now, Demipho, make mention of each particular, how I have conducted myself toward him?

DEMIPHO: I know it all, as well as yourself.

NAUSISTRATA: Does it appear, then, that I deserved this treatment?

DEMIPHO: Far from it: but since, by reproaching, it can not now be undone, forgive him: he entreats you—he begs your pardon—owns his fault—makes an apology. What would you have more?

PHORMIO: (aside.) But really, before she grants pardon to him, I must take care of myself and Phaedria. (To NAUSISTRATA.) Hark you, Nausistrata, before you answer him without thinking, listen to me.

NAUSISTRATA: What’s the matter?

PHORMIO: I got out of him thirty minae by a stratagem. I give them to your son; he paid them to a Procurer for his mistress.

CHREMES: Ha! what is it you say?

PHORMIO: (sneeringly.) Does it seem to you so very improper for your son, a young man, to keep one mistress, while you have two wives? Are you ashamed of nothing? With what face will you censure him? Answer me that.

DEMIPHO: He shall do as you wish.

NAUSISTRATA: Nay, that you may now know my determination, I neither forgive nor promise any thing, nor give any answer, before I see my son: to his decision I leave every thing. What he bids me, I shall do.

DEMIPHO: You are a wise woman, Nausistrata.

NAUSISTRATA: Does that satisfy you, Chremes?

CHREMES: Yes, indeed, I come off well, and fully to my satisfaction; indeed, beyond my expectation.

NAUSISTRATA: (to PHORMIO.) Do you tell me, what is your name?

PHORMIO: What, mine? Phormio; a well-wisher to your family, upon my honor, and to your son Phaedria in particular.

NAUSISTRATA: Then, Phormio, on my word, henceforward I’ll both do and say for you all I can, and whatever you may desire.

PHORMIO: You speak obligingly.

NAUSISTRATA: I’ faith, it is as you deserve.

PHORMIO: First, then, will you do this, Nausistrata, at once, to please me, and to make your husband’s eyes ache with vexation?

NAUSISTRATA: With all my heart.

PHORMIO: Invite me to dinner.

NAUSISTRATA: Assuredly indeed, I do invite you.

DEMIPHO: Let us now away in-doors.

CHREMES: By all means; but where is Phaedria, our arbitrator?

PHORMIO: I’ll have him here just now.

(To the AUDIENCE.) Fare you well, and grant us your applause.

(Enter PHAEDRIA and PHORMIO, from opposite sides of the stage.)

PHAEDRIA: Assuredly there is a God, who both hears and sees what we do. And I do not consider that to be true which is commonly said: Fortune frames and fashions the affairs of mankind, just as she pleases.

PHORMIO: (aside.) Heyday! what means this? I’ve met with Socrates, not Phaedria, so far as I see. Why hesitate to go up and address him? (Accosting him.) How now, Phaedria, whence have you acquired this new wisdom, and derived such great delight, as you show by your countenance?

PHAEDRIA: O welcome, my friend; O most delightful Phormio, welcome! There’s not a person in all the world I could more wish just now to meet than yourself.

PHORMIO: Pray, tell me what is the matter.

PHAEDRIA: Aye, faith, I have to beg of you, that you will listen to it. My Pamphila is a citizen of Attica, and of noble birth, and rich.

PHORMIO: What is it you tell me? Are you dreaming, pray?

PHAEDRIA: Upon my faith, I’m saying what’s true.

PHORMIO: Yes, and this, too, is a true saying: You’ll have no great difficulty in believing that to be true, which you greatly wish to be so.

PHAEDRIA: Nay, but do listen, I beg of you, to all the wonderful things I have to tell you of. It was while thinking of this to myself, that I just now burst forth into those expressions which you heard—that we, and what relates to us, are ruled by the sanction of the Gods, and not by blind chance.

PHORMIO: I’ve been for some time in a state of suspense.

PHAEDRIA: Do you know Phanocrates?

PHORMIO: As well as I do yourself.

PHAEDRIA: The rich man?

PHORMIO: I understand.

PHAEDRIA: He is the father of Pamphila. Not to detain you, these were the circumstances: Calchas was his servant, a worthless, wicked fellow. Intending to run away from the house, he carried off this girl, whom her father was bringing up in the country, then five years old, and, secretly taking her with him to Eubaea, sold her to Lycus, a merchant. This person, a long time after, sold her, when now grown up, to Dorio. She, however, knew that she was the daughter of parents of rank, inasmuch as she recollected herself being attended and trained up by female servants: the name of her parents she didn’t recollect.

PHORMIO: How, then, were they discovered?

PHAEDRIA: Stay; I was coming to that. This runaway was caught yesterday, and sent back to Phanocrates: he related the wonderful circumstances I have mentioned about the girl, and how she was sold to Lycus, and afterward to Dorio. Phanocrates sent immediately, and claimed his daughter; but when he learned that she had been sold, he came running to me.

PHORMIO: O, how extremely fortunate!

PHAEDRIA: Phanocrates has no objection to my marrying her; nor has my father, I imagine.

PHORMIO: Trust me for that; I’ll have all this matter managed for you; Phormio has so arranged it, that you shall not be a suppliant to your father, but his judge.

PHAEDRIA: You are joking.

PHORMIO: So it is, I tell you. Do you only give me the thirty minae which Dorio—

PHAEDRIA: You put me well in mind; I understand you; you may have them; for he must give them back, as the law forbids a free woman to be sold; and, on my faith, I do rejoice that an opportunity is afforded me of rewarding you, and taking a hearty vengeance upon him; a monster of a fellow he has feelings more hardened than iron.

PHORMIO: Now, Phaedria, I return you thanks; I’ll make you a return upon occasion, if ever I have the opportunity. You impose a heavy task upon me, to be contending with you in good offices, as I can not in wealth; and in affection and zeal, I must repay you what I owe. To be surpassed in deserving well, is a disgrace to a man of principle.

PHAEDRIA: Services badly bestowed, I take to be disservices. But I do not know any person more grateful and more mindful of a service than yourself. What is it you were just now mentioning about my father?

PHORMIO: There are many particulars, which at present I have not the opportunity to relate. Let’s go in-doors, for Nausistrata has invited me to dinner, and I’m afraid we may keep them waiting.

PHAEDRIA: Very well; follow me. (To the AUDIENCE.) Fare you well, and grant us your applause.