Chapter 2

(Enter CLITIPHO.)

CLITIPHO: (to himself.) What partial judges are all fathers in regard to all of us young men, in thinking it reasonable for us to become old men all at once from boys, and not to participate in those things which youth is naturally inclined to. They regulate us by their own desires,—such as they now are,—not as they once were. If ever I have a son, he certainly shall find in me an indulgent father. For the means both of knowing and of pardoning his faults shall be found by me; not like mine, who by means of another person, discloses to me his own sentiments.

I’m plagued to death,—when he drinks a little more than usual, what pranks of his own he does relate to me! Now he says, Take warning from others of what may be to your advantage. How shrewd! He certainly does not know how deaf I am at the moment when he’s telling his stories. Just now, the words of my mistress make more impression upon me. Give me this, and bring me that, she cries; I have nothing to say to her in answer, and no one is there more wretched than myself.

But this Clinia, although he, as well, has cares enough of his own, still has a mistress of virtuous and modest breeding, and a stranger to the arts of a courtesan. Mine is a craving, saucy, haughty, extravagant creature, full of lofty airs. Then all that I have to give her is—fair words —for I make it a point not to tell her that I have nothing. This misfortune I met with not long since, nor does my father as yet know any thing of the matter. (Exit.)

(Enter CLINIA from the house of CHREMES.)

CLINIA: (to himself.) If my love-affairs had been prosperous for me, I am sure she would have been here by this; but I’m afraid that the damsel has been led astray here in my absence. Many things combine to strengthen this opinion in my mind; opportunity, the place, her age, a worthless mother, under whose control she is, with whom nothing but gain is precious. (Enter CLITIPHO.)

CLITIPHO: Clinia!

CLINIA: Alas! wretched me!

CLITIPHO: Do, pray, take care that no one coming out of your father’s house sees you here by accident.

CLINIA: I will do so; but really my mind presages I know not what misfortune.

CLITIPHO: Do you persist in making up your mind upon that, before you know what is the fact?

CLINIA: Had no misfortune happened, she would have been here by this.

CLITIPHO: She’ll be here presently.

CLINIA: When will that presently be?

CLITIPHO: You don’t consider that it is a great way fiom here. Besides, you know the ways of women, while they are bestirring themselves, and while they are making preparations a whole year passes by.

CLINIA: O Clitipho, I’m afraid—

CLITIPHO: Take courage. Look, here comes Dromo, together with Syrus: they are close at hand. (They stand aside.)

(Enter SYRUS and DROMO, conversing at a distance.)

SYRUS: Do you say so?

DROMO: ’Tis as I told you,— but in the mean time, while we’ve been carrying on our discourse, these women have been left behind.

CLITIPHO: (apart.) Don’t you hear, Clinia? Your mistress is close at hand.

CLINIA: (apart.) Why yes, I do hear now at last, and I see and revive, Clitipho.

DROMO: No wonder; they are so encumbered; they are bringing a troop of female attendants with them.

CLINIA: (apart.) I’m undone! Whence come these female attendants?

CLITIPHO: (apart.) Do you ask me?

SYRUS: We ought not to have left them; what a quantity of things they are bringing!

CLINIA: (apart.) Ah me!

SYRUS: Jewels of gold, and clothes; it’s growing late too, and they don’t know the way. It was very foolish of us to leave them. Just go back, Dromo, and meet them. Make haste—why do you delay? (Exit DROMO).)

CLINIA: (apart.) Woe unto wretched me!—from what high hopes am I fallen!

CLITIPHO: (apart.) What’s the matter? Why, what is it that troubles you?

CLINIA: (apart.) Do you ask what it is? Why, don’t you see? Attendants, jewels of gold, and clothes. her too, whom I left here with only one little servant girl. Whence do you suppose that they come?

CLITIPHO: (apart.) Oh! now at last I understand you.

SYRUS: (to himself.) Good Gods! what a multitude there is! Our house will hardly hold them, I’m sure.

How much they will eat! how much they will drink! what will there be more wretched than our old gentleman? (Catching sight of CLINIA and CLITIPHO.) But look, I espy the persons I was wanting.

CLINIA: (apart.) Oh Jupiter! Why, where is fidelity gone? While I, distractedly wandering, have abandoned my country for your sake, you, in the mean time, Antiphila, have been enriching yourself, and have forsaken me in these troubles, you for whose sake I am in extreme disgrace, and have been disobedient to my father;

on whose account I am now ashamed and grieved, that he who used to lecture me about the manners of these women, advised me in vain, and was not able to wean me away from her:—which, however, I shall now do; whereas when it might have been advantageous to me to do so, I was unwilling. There is no being more wretched than I.

SYRUS: (to himself.) He certainly has been misled by our words which we have been speaking here. (Aloud.) Clinia, you imagine your mistress quite different from what she really is.

For both her mode of life is the same, and her disposition toward you is the same as it always was; so far as we could form a judgment from the circumstances themselves.

CLINIA: How so, prithee? For nothing in the world could I rather wish for just now, than that I have suspected this without reason.

SYRUS: This, in the first place, then (that you may not be ignorant of any thing that concerns her); the old woman, who was formerly said to be her mother, was not so.—She is dead: this I overheard by accident from her, as we came along, while she was telling the other one.

CLITIPHO: Pray, who is the other one?

SYRUS: Stay; what I have begun I wish first to relate, Clitipho; I shall come to that afterward.

CLITIPHO: Make haste, then.

SYRUS: First of all then, when we came to the house, Dromo knocked at the door; a certain old woman came out; when she opened the door, he directly rushed in; I followed; the old woman bolted the door, and returned to her wool. On this occasion might be known, Clinia, or else on none, in what pursuits she passed her life during your absence; when we thus came upon a female unexpectedly. For this circumstance then gave us an opportunity of judging of the course of her daily life; a thing which especially discovers what is the disposition of each individual.

We found her industriously plying at the web; plainly clad in a mourning dress, on account of this old woman, I suppose, who was lately dead; without golden ornaments, dressed, besides, just like those who only dress for themselves, and patched up with no worthless woman’s trumpery.

Her hair was loose, long, and thrown back negligently about her temples. (To CLINIA.) Do you hold your peace.

CLINIA: My dear Syrus, do not without cause throw me into ecstasies, I beseech you.

SYRUS: The old woman was spinning the woof: there was one little servant girl besides;—she was weaving together with them, covered with patched clothes, slovenly, and dirty with filthiness.

CLITIPHO: If this is true, Clinia, as I believe it is, who is there more fortunate than you? Do you mark this girl whom he speaks of, as dirty and drabbish? This, too, is a strong indication that the mistress is out of harm’s way, when her confidant is in such ill plight;

for it is a rule with those who wish to gain access to the mistress, first to bribe the maid.

CLINIA: (to SYRUS.) Go on, I beseech you; and beware of endeavoring to purchase favor by telling an untruth. What did she say, when you mentioned me?

SYRUS: When we told her that you had returned, and had requested her to come to you, the damsel instantly put away the web, and covered her face all over with tears; so that you might easily perceive that it really was caused by her affection for you.

CLINIA: So may the Deities bless me, I know not where I am for joy! I was so alarmed before.

CLITIPHO: But I was sure that there was no reason, Clinia. Come now, Syrus, tell me, in my turn, who this other lady is.

SYRUS: Your Bacchis, whom we are bringing.

CLITIPHO: Ha! What! Bacchis? How now, you rascal! whither are you bringing her?

SYRUS: Whither am I bringing her? To our house, to be sure.

CLITIPHO: What! to my father’s?

SYRUS: To the very same.

CLITIPHO: Oh, the audacious impudence of the fellow!

SYRUS: Hark’ye, no great and memorable action is done without some risk.

CLITIPHO: Look now; are you seeking to gain credit for yourself, at the hazard of my character, you rascal, in a point, where, if you only make the slightest slip, I am ruined? What would you be doing with her?

SYRUS: But still—

CLITIPHO: Why still?

SYRUS: If you’ll give me leave, I’ll tell you.

CLINIA: Do give him leave.

CLITIPHO: I give him leave then.

SYRUS: This affair is now just as though when—

CLITIPHO: Plague on it, what roundabout story is he beginning to tell me?

CLINIA: Syrus, he says what’s right—do omit digressions; come to the point.

SYRUS: Really I can not hold my tongue. Clitipho, you are every way unjust, and can not possibly be endured.

CLINIA: Upon my faith, he ought to have a hearing. (To CLITIPHO.) Do be silent.

SYRUS: You wish to indulge in your amours; you wish to possess your mistress; you wish that to be procured wherewithal to make her presents; in getting this, you do not wish the risk to be your own. You are not wise to no purpose,—if indeed it is being wise to wish for that which can not happen.

Either the one must be had with the other, or the one must be let alone with the other. Now, of these two alternatives, consider which one you would prefer; although this project which I have formed, I know to be both a wise and a safe one. For there is an opportunity for your mistress to be with you at your father’s house, without fear of a discovery; besides, by these self-same means, I shall find the money which you have promised her— to effect which, you have already made my ears deaf with entreating me. What would you have more?

CLITIPHO: If, indeed, this could be brought about—

SYRUS: If, indeed? You shall know it by experience.

CLITIPHO: Well, well, disclose this project of yours. What is it?

SYRUS: We will pretend that your mistress is his. (pointing to CLINIA)

CLITIPHO: Very fine! Tell me, what is he to do with his own? Is she, too, to be called his, as if one was not a sufficient discredit?

SYRUS: No—she shall be taken to your mother.

CLITIPHO: Why there?

SYRUS: It would be tedious, Clitipho, if I were to tell you why I do so; I have a good reason.

CLITIPHO: Stuff! I see no grounds sufficiently solid why it should be for my advantage to incur this risk. (Turning as if going.)

SYRUS: Stay; if there is this risk, I have another project, which you must both confess to be free from danger.

CLITIPHO: Find out something of that description, I beseech you.

SYRUS: By all means;

I’ll go meet her, and tell her to return home.

CLITIPHO: Ha! what was it you said?

SYRUS: I’ll rid you at once of all fears, so that you may sleep at your ease upon either ear.

CLITIPHO: What am I to do now?

CLINIA: What are you to do? The goods that—

CLITIPHO: Only tell me the truth, Syrus.

SYRUS: Dispatch quickly; you’ll be wishing just now too late and in vain. (Going.)

CLINIA: The Gods provide, enjoy while yet you may; for you know not—

CLITIPHO: (calling.) Syrus, I say!

SYRUS: (moving on.) Go on; I shall still do that which I said.

CLINIA: Whether you may have another opportunity hereafter or ever again.

CLITIPHO: I’faith, that’s true. (Calling.) Syrus, Syrus, I say, harkye, harkye, Syrus!

SYRUS: (aside.) He warms a little. (To CLITIPHO.) What is it you want?

CLITIPHO: Come back, come back.

SYRUS: (coming back to him.) Here I am; tell me what you would have. You’ll be presently saying that this, too, doesn’t please you.

CLITIPHO: Nay, Syrus, I commit myself, and my love, and my reputation entirely to you: you are the seducer; take care you don’t deserve any blame.

SYRUS: It is ridiculous for you to give me that caution, Clitipho, as if my interest was less at stake in this affair than yours.

Here, if any ill luck should perchance befall us, words will be in readiness for you, but for this individual blows (pointing to himself). For that reason, this matter is by no means to be neglected on my part: but do prevail upon him (pointing to CLINIA) to pretend that she is his own mistress.

CLINIA: You may rest assured I’ll do so. The matter has now come to that pass, that it is a case of necessity.

CLITIPHO: ’Tis with good reason that I love you, Clinia.

CLINIA: But she mustn’t be tripping at all.

SYRUS: She is thoroughly tutored in her part.

CLITIPHO: But this I wonder at, how you could so easily prevail upon her, who is wont to treat such great peoplel with scorn.

SYRUS: I came to her at the proper moment, which in all things is of the first importance:

for there I found a certain wretched captain soliciting her favors: she artfully managed the man, so as to inflame his eager passions by denial; and this, too, that it might be especially pleasing to yourself. But hark you, take care, will you, not to be imprudently impetuous.

You know your father, how quick-sighted he is in these matters; and I know you, how unable you are to command yourself. Keep clear of words of double meaning, your sidelong looks, sighing, hemming, coughing, tittering.

CLITIPHO: You shall have to commend me.

SYRUS: Take care of that, please.

CLITIPHO: You yourself shall be surprised at me.

SYRUS: But how quickly the ladies have come up with us!

CLITIPHO: Where are they? (SYRUS stands before him.) Why do you hold me back?

SYRUS: For the present she is nothing to you.

CLITIPHO: I know it, before my father; but now in the mean time—

SYRUS: Not a bit the more.

CLITIPHO: Do let me.

SYRUS: I will not let you, I tell you.

CLITIPHO: But only for a moment, pray.

SYRUS: I forbid it.

CLITIPHO: Only to salute her.

SYRUS: If you are wise, get you gone.

CLITIPHO: I’m off.

But what’s he to do? (Pointing at CLINIA.)

SYRUS: He will stay here.

CLITIPHO: O happy man!

SYRUS: Take yourself off. (Exit CLITIPHO.)

(Enter BACCHIS and ANTIPHILA at a distance.)

BACCHIS: Upon my word, my dear Antiphila, I commend you, and think you fortunate in having made it your study that your manners should be conformable to those good looks of yours: and so may the Gods bless me, I do not at all wonder if every man is in love with you. For your discourse has been a proof to me what kind of disposition you possess.

And when now I reflect in my mind upon your way of life, and that of all of you, in fact, who keep the public at a distance from yourselves, it is not surprising both that you are of that disposition, and that we are not; for it is your interest to be virtuous; those, with whom we are acquainted, will not allow us to be so. For our lovers, allured merely by our beauty, court us for that;

when that has faded, they transfer their affections elsewhere; and unless we have made provision in the mean time for the future, we live in destitution. Now with you, when you have once resolved to pass your life with one man whose manners are especially kindred to your own, those persons become attached to you. By this kindly feeling, you are truly devoted to each other;

and no calamity can ever possibly interrupt your love.

ANTIPHILA: I know nothing about other women: I’m sure that I have, indeed, always used every endeavor to derive my own happiness from his happiness.

CLINIA: (apart, overhearing ANTIPHILA.) Ah!’tis for that reason, my Antiphila, that you alone have now caused me to return to my native country; for while I was absent from you, all other hardships which I encountered were light to me, save the being deprived of you.

SYRUS: (apart.) I believe it.

CLINIA: (apart.) Syrus, I can scarce endure it! Wretch that I am, that I should not be allowed to possess one of such a disposition at my own discretion!

SYRUS: Nay, so far as I understand your father, he will for a long time yet be giving you a hard task.

BACCHIS: Why, who is that young man that’s looking at us?

ANTIPHILA: (seeing CLINIA.) Ah! do support me, I entreat you!

BACCHIS: Prithee, what is the matter with you?

ANTIPHILA: I shall die, alas! I shall die!

BACCHIS: Why are you thus surprised, Antiphila?

ANTIPHILA: Is it Clinia that I see, or not?

BACCHIS: Whom do you see?

CLINIA: (running to embrace ANTIPHILA.) Blessings on you, my life!

ANTIPHILA: Oh my long-wished for Clinia, blessings on you!

CLINIA: How fare you, my love?

ANTIPHILA: I’m overjoyed that you have returned safe.

CLINIA: And do I embrace you, Antiphila, so passionately longed for by my soul?

SYRUS: Go in-doors; for the old gentleman has been waiting for us some time. (They go into the house of CHREMES.)