Chapter 3

(Enter CHREMES from his house.)

CHREMES: (to himself.) It is now daybreak. Why do I delay to knock at my neighbor’s door, that he may learn from me the first that his son has returned? Although I am aware that the youth would not prefer this. But when I see him tormenting himself so miserably about his absence, can I conceal a joy so unhoped for, especially when there can be no danger to him from the discovery? I will not do so; but as far as I can I will assist the old man. As I see my son aiding his friend and year’s-mate, and acting as his confidant in his concerns, it is but right that we old men as well should assist each other. (Enter MENEDEMUS from his house.)

MENEDEMUS: (to himself) Assuredly I was either born with a disposition peculiarly suited for misery, or else that saying which I hear commonly repeated, that time assuages human sorrow, is false. For really my sorrow about my son increases daily; and the longer he is away from me, the more anxiously do I wish for him, and the more I miss him.

CHREMES: (apart.) But I see him coming out of his house; I’ll go speak to him. (Aloud.) Menedemus, good-morrow; I bring you news, which you would especially desire to be imparted.

MENEDEMUS: Pray, have you heard any thing about my son, Chremes?

CHREMES: He’s alive, and well.

MENEDEMUS: Why, where is he, pray?

CHREMES: Here, at my house, at home.

MENEDEMUS: My son?

CHREMES: Such is the fact.

MENEDEMUS: Come home?

CHREMES: Certainly.

MENEDEMUS: My son, Clinia, come home?

CHREMES: I say so.

MENEDEMUS: Let us go. Lead me to him, I beg of you.

CHREMES: He does not wish you yet to know of his return, and he shuns your presence; he’s afraid that, on account of that fault, your former severity may even be increased.

MENEDEMUS: Did you not tell him how I was affected?

CHREMES: No—

MENEDEMUS: For what reason, Chremes?

CHREMES: Because there you would judge extremely ill both for yourself and for him, if you were to show yourself of a spirit so weak and irresolute.

MENEDEMUS: I can not help it: enough already, enough, have I proved a rigorous father.

CHREMES: Ah

Menedemus! you are too precipitate in either extreme, either with profuseness or with parsimony too great. Into the same error will you fall from the one side as from the other. In the first place, formerly, rather than allow your son to visit a young woman, who was then content with a very little, and to whom any thing was acceptable, you frightened him away from here. After that, she began, quite against her inclination, to seek a subsistence upon the town. Now, when she can not be supported without a great expense, you are ready to give any thing. For, that you may know how perfectly she is trained to extravagance, in the first place, she has already brought with her more than ten female attendants, all laden with clothes and jewels of gold; if a satrap had been her admirer, he never could support her expenses, much less can you.

MENEDEMUS: Is she at your house?

CHREMES: Is she, do you ask?

I have felt it; for I have given her and her retinue one dinner; had I to give them another such, it would be all over with me; for, to pass by other matters, what a quantity of wine she did consume for me in tasting only, saying thus, This wine is too acid, respected sir, do please look for something more mellow.

I opened all the casks, all the vessels; she kept all on the stir: and this but a single night. What do you suppose will become of you when they are constantly preying upon you? So may the Gods prosper me, Menedemus, I do pity your lot.

MENEDEMUS: Let him do what he will;

let him take, waste, and squander; I’m determined to endure it, so long as I only have him with me.

CHREMES: If it is your determination thus to act, I hold it to be of very great foment that he should not be aware that with a full knowledge you grant him this.

MENEDEMUS: What shall I do?

CHREMES: Any thing, rather than what you are thinking of;

supply him with money through some other person; suffer yourself to be imposed upon by the artifices of his servant: although I have smelt out this too, that they are about that, and are secretly planning it among them. Syrus is always whispering with that servant of yours; they impart their plans to the young men; and it were better for you to lose a talent this way, than a mina the other. The money is not the question now, but this—in what way we can supply it to the young man with the least danger. For if he once knows the state of your feelings, that you would sooner part with your life, and sooner with all your money, than allow your son to leave you; whew! what an inlet will you be opening for his debauchery! aye, and so much so, that henceforth to live can not be desirable to you. For we all become worse through indulgence. Whatever comes into his head, he’ll be wishing for; nor will he reflect whether that which he desires is right or wrong. You will not be able to endure your estate and him going to ruin. You will refuse to supply him: he will immediately have recourse to the means by which he finds that he has the greatest hold upon you, and threaten that he will immediately leave you.

MENEDEMUS: You seem to speak the truth, and just what is the fact.

CHREMES: I’faith, I have not been sensible of sleep this night with my eyes, for thinking of this—how to restore your son to you.

MENEDEMUS: (taking his hand.) Give me your right hand. I request that you will still act in a like manner, Chremes.

CHREMES: I am ready to serve you.

MENEDEMUS: Do you know what it is I now want you to do?

CHREMES: Tell me.

MENEDEMUS: As you have perceived that they are laying a plan to deceive me, that they may hasten to complete it. I long to give him whatever he wants: I am now longing to behold him.

CHREMES: I’ll lend my endeavors. This little business is in my way. Our neighbors Simus and Crito are disputing here about boundaries;

they have chosen me for arbitrator. I’ll go and tell them that I can not possibly give them my attention to-day as I had stated I would. I’ll be here immediately. (Exit.)

MENEDEMUS: Pray do. (To himself.) Ye Gods, by our trust in you! That the nature of all men should be so constituted, that they can see and judge of other men’s affairs better than their own! Is it because in our own concerns we are biased either with joy or grief in too great a degree? How much wiser now is he for me, than I have been for myself! (Re-enter CHREMES.)

CHREMES: I have disengaged myself, that I might lend you my services at my leisure. Syrus must be found and instructed by me in this business.

Some one, I know not who, is coming out of my house: do you step hence home, that they may not perceive that we are conferring together. (MENEDEMUS goes into his house.)

(Enter SYRUS from the house of CHREMES.)

SYRUS: (aloud to himself.) Run to and fro in every direction; still, money, you must be found: a trap must be laid for the old man.

CHREMES: (apart, overhearing him.) Was I deceived in saying that they were planning this?

That servant of Clinia’s is somewhat dull; therefore that province has been assigned to this one of ours.

SYRUS: (in a low voice.) Who’s that speaking? (Catches sight of CGREMES.) I’m undone! Did he hear it, I wonder?

CHREMES: Syrus.

SYRUS: Well—

CHREMES: What are you doing here?

SYRUS: All right. Really, I am quite surprised at you, Chremes, up so early, after drinking so much yesterday.

CHREMES: Not too much.

SYRUS: Not too much, say you? Really, you’ve seen the old age of an eagle, as the saying is.

CHREMES: Pooh, pooh!

SYRUS: A pleasant and agreeable woman this Courtesan.

CHREMES: Why, so she seemed to me, in fact.

SYRUS: And really of handsome appearance.

CHREMES: Well enough.

SYRUS: Not like those of former days, but as times are now, very passable:

nor do I in the least wonder that Clinia doats upon her. But he has a father—a certain covetous, miserable, and niggardly person—this neighbor of ours (pointing to the house). Do you know him? Yet, as if he was not abounding in wealth, his son ran away through want. Are you aware that it is the fact, as I am saying?

CHREMES: How should I not be aware?

A fellow that deserves the mill.

SYRUS: Who?

CHREMES: That servant of the young gentleman, I mean.

SYRUS: (aside.) Syrus! I was sadly afraid for you.

CHREMES: To suffer it to come to this!

SYRUS: What was he to do?

CHREMES: Do you ask the question? He ought to have found some expedient, contrived some stratagem, by means of which there might have been something for the young man to give to his mistress, and thus have saved this crabbed old fellow in spite of himself.

SYRUS: You are surely joking.

CHREMES: This ought to have been done by him, Syrus.

SYRUS: How now—pray, do you commend servants, who deceive their masters?

CHREMES: Upon occasion—I certainly do commend them.

SYRUS: Quite right.

CHREMES: Inasmuch as it often is the remedy for great disturbances.

Then would this man’s only son have staid at home.

SYRUS: (aside.) Whether he says this in jest or in earnest, I don’t know; only, in fact, that he gives me additional zest for longing still more to trick him.

CHREMES: And what is he now waiting for, Syrus? Is it until his father drives him away from here a second time, when he can no longer support her expenses?

Has he no plot on foot against the old gentleman?

SYRUS: He is a stupid fellow.

CHREMES: Then you ought to assist him—for the sake of the young man.

SYRUS: For my part, I can do so easily, if you command me; for I know well in what fashion it is usually done.

CHREMES: So much the better, i’ faith.

SYRUS: ’Tis not my way to tell an untruth.

CHREMES: Do it then.

SYRUS: But hark you! Just take care and remember this, in case any thing of this sort should perchance happen at a future time, such are human affairs!—your son might do the same.

CHREMES: The necessity will not arise, I trust.

SYRUS: I’ faith, and I trust so too: nor do I say so now, because I have suspected him in any way;

but in case, none the more —You see what his age is; (aside) and truly, Chremes, if an occasion does happen, I may be able to handle you right handsomely.

CHREMES: As to that, we’ll consider what is requisite when the occasion does happen. At present do you set about this matter. (Goes into his house.)

SYRUS: (to himself.) Never on any occasion did I hear my master talk more to the purpose;

nor at any time could I believe that I was authorized to play the rogue with greater impunity. I wonder who it is coming out of our house? (Stands aside.)

(Enter CHREMES and CLITIPHO from the house of the former.)

CHREMES: Pray, what does this mean? What behavior is this, Clitipho? Is this acting as becomes you?

CLITIPHO: What have I done?

CHREMES: Did I not see you just now putting your hand into this Courtesan’s bosom?

SYRUS: (apart.) It’s all up with us—I’m utterly undone!

CLITIPHO: What, I?

CHREMES: With these self-same eyes I saw it—don’t deny it.

Besides, you wrong him unworthily in not keeping your hands off: for indeed it is a gross affront to entertain a person, your friend, at your house, and to take liberties with his mistress. Yesterday, for instance, at wine, how rude you were—

SYRUS: (apart.) ’Tis the truth

CHREMES: How annoying you were! So much so, that for my part, as the Gods may prosper me, I dreaded what in the end might be the consequence.

I understand lovers. They resent highly things that you would not imagine.

CLITIPHO: But he has full confidence in me, father, that I would not do any thing of that kind.

CHREMES: Be it so; still, at least, you ought to go somewhere for a little time away from their presence. Passion prompts to many a thing; your presence acts as a restraint upon doing them. I form a judgment from myself. There’s not one of my friends this day to whom I would venture, Clitipho, to disclose all my secrets. With one, his station forbids it; with another, I am ashamed of the action itself, lest I may appear a fool or devoid of shame; do you rest assured that he does the same. But it is our part to be sensible of this; and, when and where it is requisite, to show due complaisance.

SYRUS: (coming forward and whispering to CLITIPHO.) What is it he is saying?

CLITIPHO: (aside, to SYRUS.) I’m utterly undone!

SYRUS: Clitipho, these same injunctions I gave you.

You have acted the part of a prudent and discreet person.

CLITIPHO: Hold your tongue, I beg.

SYRUS: Very good.

CHREMES: (approaching them.) Syrus, I am ashamed of him.

SYRUS: I believe it; and not without reason. Why, he vexes myself even.

CLITIPHO: (to SYRUS.) Do you persist, then?

SYRUS: I’ faith, I’m saying the truth, as it appears to me.

CLITIPHO: May I not go near them?

CHREMES: How now—pray, is there but one way of going near them?

SYRUS: (aside.) Confusion! He’ll be betraying himself before I’ve got the money.

(Aloud.) Chremes, will you give attention to me, who am but a silly person?

CHREMES: What am I to do?

SYRUS: Bid him go somewhere out of the way.

CLITIPHO: Where am I to go?

SYRUS: Where you please; leave the place to them; be off and take a walk.

CLITIPHO: Take a walk! where?

SYRUS: Pshaw! Just as if there was no place to walk in. Why, then, go this way, that way, where you will.

CHREMES: He says right, I’m of his opinion.

CLITIPHO: May the Gods extirpate you, Syrus, for thrusting me away from here.

SYRUS: (aside to CLITIPHO.) Then do you for the future keep those hands of yours within bounds. (Exit CLITIPHO.) Really now (to CHREMES), what do you think? What do you imagine will become of him next, unless, so far as the Gods afford you the means, you watch him, correct and admonish him?

CHREMES: I’ll take care of that.

SYRUS: But now, master, he must be looked after by you.

CHREMES: It shall be done.

SYRUS: If you are wise,—for now he minds me less and less every day.

CHREMES: What say you? What have you done, Syrus, about that matter which I was mentioning to you a short time since? Have you any plan that suits you, or not yet even?

SYRUS: You mean the design upon Menedemus? I have; I have just hit upon one.

CHREMES: You are a clever fellow; what is it? Tell me.

SYRUS: I’ll tell you; but, as one matter arises out of another—

CHREMES: Why, what. is it, Syrus?

SYRUS: This Courtesan is a very bad woman.

CHREMES: So she seems.

SYRUS: Aye, if you did but know.

O shocking! just see what she is hatching. There was a certain old woman here from Corinth,—this Bacchis lent her a thousand silver drachmae.

CHREMES: What then?

SYRUS: She is now dead: she has left a daughter, a young girl. She has been left with this Bacchis as a pledge for that sum.

CHREMES: I understand you.

SYRUS: She has brought her hither along with her, her I mean who is now with your wife.

CHREMES: What then?

SYRUS: She is soliciting Clinia at once to advance her this money; she says, however, that this girl is to be a security, that, at a future time, she will repay the thousand pieces of money.

CHREMES: And would she really be a security?

SYRUS: Dear me, is it to be doubted?

I think so.

CHREMES: What then do you intend doing?

SYRUS: What, I? I shall go to Menedemus; I’ll tell him she is a captive from Caria, rich, and of noble family; if he redeems her, there will be a considerable profit in this transaction.

CHREMES: You are in an error.

SYRUS: Why so?

CHREMES: I’ll now answer you for Menedemus—I will not purchase her.

SYRUS: What is it you say? Do speak more agreeably to our wishes.

CHREMES: But there is no occasion.

SYRUS: No occasion?

CHREMES: Certainly not, i’ faith.

SYRUS: How so, I wonder?

CHREMES: You shall soon know.

SYRUS: Stop, stop; what is the reason that there is such a great noise at our door? (They retire out of sight.)